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Topic: Wife and I decided to separate.

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    20 July 2020

    Hi,

    im a father of 2 young boys, have been with wife for 10 years married 6.

    a few months ago she decided to say she wasn’t too happy with our life and feelings towards me. It was quite the shock as I thought everything was going Great. It hit me like a truck and was left wondering what’s going on. As time has gone on I tried romancing her more and all that sort of thing to no avail.

    I know I’m difficult to get on with the kids are a handful as all are, and it causes us a lot of stress. She thinks it would be easier on her own and that I would be happier with someone else in the future.

    im not a romantic touchy touchy person it’s just not me. I didnt realise all these things were getting to her, I feel hard done by as I’ve had no chance to better myself.

    I understand her feelings. And I’m pretty bad at picking up signals. I will be moving out in a month or 2 slowly So that it’s not a huge shock to everyone. Especially the kids.

    my biggest thing is that I feel like I need to see my kids every minute I can and I won’t have enough time with them, How do you over come these feelings of sadness, How do you move on?

    ill be trying to have the boys thurs fri sat n every second Sunday. I just can’t imagine my life without seeing them as much as I am now.

    thanks for any guidance or opinion.

  2. Mr Paul
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Mr Paul avatar
    286 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120

    Hi NFP

    Welcome to BB; sorry it was not under better circumstances. You sound like a typical married man trying to figure out what went wrong. I and a lot of others on this forum know what you are going through; you are not alone.

    "It was quite the shock as I thought everything was going Great."

    This is more common than you might think. A lot of men enter a marriage with low to no expectations; that in itself creates a problem if your wife is expecting the happily ever after ending.

    "I feel hard done by as I’ve had no chance to better myself."

    There may be more to the story. There is no gain in bettering yourself if you wife is not willing to do the same.

    "I will be moving out in a month or 2 slowly So that it’s not a huge shock to everyone".

    Unless you have a good reason to move out, I would stay put until you get the benefit of some legal advice. There is no law that says you have to move out; after all, it is your house also. You can legally separate under the one roof if you want too.

    "my biggest thing is that I feel like I need to see my kids every minute"

    Another good reason not to move out.

    "How do you over come these feelings of sadness, How do you move on?"

    With great difficulty. You might want to consider a few session with a phycologist. I didn't find them particularly helpful, but some people do; worth a try.

    If you visit your GP, s/he will organise 10 Medicare subsidised visits to a phycologist. If you want something less formal, you can talk to a counsellor at "Relationships Australia" over the phone.

    You have options; but please get legal advice before you do anything rash. You are entering a brave, sad new world.

  3. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3264 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120
    Hi Npf1120,

    Mr Paul has given U some things to think about/ ponder on.

    Sorry to hear about what you are currently going through.

    It's a difficult time for all involved. The sadness will be there along with a whole other range of emotions and feelings in regard to the split. Unfortunately everything has to be worked through.

    When my partner split with me I was left broken hearted and devestated and had to cry my way out of it. I also listened to a lot of music and expressed how I was feeling.

    If there is any hope of reconsilling with your partner or simply helping you both process the split you could always try Relationships Australia.

    Surround yourself with other ppl, take up a new hobby, keep busy...

    U can and will get through this. I did.

  4. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Thanks Mr Paul and monkey magic,

    there isn’t any animosity we are both calm people. She mentioned that we do a trial separation and who knows she might realise she needs me in her life is what she said. also she mentioned not to get my hopes up.

    we are debt free which makes the whole scenario super easy financially.

    I did hear this is a common situation bro g surprised about these unknown feelings she has. Also I mentioned we should try counselling but she believes it won’t help us it might help with being better with the kids. I’m over trying to push the issue with her.

    she’s been trying to study work full time and be a mum so I figure it’s all just too much at the moment.

    I did ask that I can still do the routine we all do for a while and slowly ease off as in picking kids up from school and making dinner and such.

    my heart is gut wrenched all the time,

    I really appreciate your views on this.

    can kids have a good quality of life in these situations? I come from a split home that wasn’t too great but I feel it was ok in the end. But I never thought I’d have to do this with my boys.

    thanks

  5. Mr Paul
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Mr Paul avatar
    286 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120

    Things don't sound to promising!

    If you do decide to move out, you may not be able to move back; keep that in mind. Moving out may even have unintended consequence if a parenting plan is required. Think long and hard before making that decision.

  6. Betternow
    Betternow avatar
    237 posts
    21 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120

    You've received some excellent advice here. I wish this forum existed when my ex wife made a similar announcement. We had three young children and I was poleaxed. Men don't often see this coming and when it hits us, we're stuck in shock and confusion.

    However, I survived and now my children whom I feared I had lost forever are parents themselves and I am the loving grandfather. My marriage didn't survive.

    The separation idea can in some cases have merits. It allows both parties some clear air to assess their position.

    It can also have unintended consequences as Mr Paul has alluded. Your wife made the statement ...she mentioned not to get my hopes up. She refuses to consider marriage counselling. These two features are the clearest indication you will ever receive about your wife's true conviction. It suggests to me that she has been thinking and planning for this situation for some time.

    I think you need to follow your wife's advice. Pleading to save the marriage or trying to nice her back won't work. In fact it will push her further away. Remember, you can only control your own actions and thoughts, not your wife's.

    Before you move out, I suggest you see a Family Law experienced solicitor and obtain a clear picture of your rights and obligations. Follow the best advice you can get.

    If you do separate and eventually divorce, it will hurt. There will be many tough days ahead. But your life and especially those of your children will still forge ahead. You have to find the strength and courage to model ideal manly behaviour for your sons. If you still love your wife and she reconsiders her position, well that is a nice bonus that unfortunately few receive and unfortunately one that you have no control over.



  7. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    21 July 2020 in reply to Betternow

    Hi better now,

    it’s great advice, I don’t feel she is being nasty in any way, She’s just feeling the way she feels. I’m just having a hard time processing it. I think the time separation will do us wonders regardless of whether we stay together however I doubt we will.

    every day we are constructively talking about everything. I’m kind of looking forward to having my own space too, I’ll be staying with my dad for a bit. The kids love it there so it’s good for us all.

    As for the lawyers, do I really need to do that? We don’t own heaps.

    thanks so much, it really helps just talking about this.

  8. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3264 posts
    21 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120
    Dear Npf1120,

    It's so good to hear you are constructively talking to your wife about everything and I'm sure your dad will be a great support.

    You and your wife are providing an excellent example.

    Nothing worse than not being amicable and wasting money on lawyers.

    Sincerely hope it all works out.
  9. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Thanks again guys. , Me too. I hope it turns out easy. I’ve gotten in touch with some old friends who have divorced partners in the past and hoping seeing how well they are now hopefully I can look forward to a bright future.

    is there any tips on how to make my 2 boys happy with my slight absence? I won’t see them mon to weds.,

    I just want to give them the best and make sure they are super loved. It’s probably the hardest thing about the whole situation to be honest.

    also looking at finances, I struggle to find info but when I split does daycare fees reduce as she will be a single parent? And I go half or something?

    on another Note I get quite resentful when she says her girlfriends want to take her out to make her feel better....... jeez she wanted this, I kind of feel like I don’t want to hear it.

    cheers.

  10. Betternow
    Betternow avatar
    237 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120

    Good morning Npf

    You sound more cheerful since your original post. Great sign.

    I also was a part time father after my wife left our marriage. A few things I learned.

    Children are more resilient than most adults give credit. My kids actually liked the idea of having a special bedroom at Daddy's with special toys. Double fun!

    It is very important that you don't spoil them or over indulge them with affection. Try and keep things as normal as possible. Stay organised, make sure there is food in the fridge and keep spare pyjamas, underwear etc at your house. Your wife will probably have a list of instructions for you at the pick up. Please listen carefully. I got into trouble more than once for only half listening and mucking something up. Stay consistent with the house rules that your wife has set e.g. TV, iPads and bedtime rituals.

    No matter how stressed your feeling always make their visits a positive experience. This is very important as you don't want them returning home with complaints or not looking forward to their next visit. Remember, your kids will be watching your behaviour closely. Always model courageous manly behaviour. Being boys you are their masculine role model. Never, ever criticise your wife within their earshot.

    Schedule their visits so there is routine and predictability. Avoid last minute swapping schedules etc.

    As far as child care fees go, I'm afraid I can't help. Discuss this issue with your wife. It may be easier if she chases down the answer with Childcare Centre or CentreLink.

    As far as feeling resentful about her girlfriends taking her out, I'm afraid you are going to have to grin and bear it on this matter and many others that are likely to come your way. Marital separation is a stony road to walk and while amicable separations are far better for everyone, there will always be disappointment and pain to bear. Get back here if you require further support.

  11. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Betternow

    yeah im definitely feeling better as each day goes on, im feeling positive.

    I do believe my kids will be ok . My wife and i rarely argue about things and especially not in front of them.

    I spoke to my eldest 5 and a half year old and like you said he really likes the idea of having 2 homes and even better that its at grandpas, ( he has all my toys from when me and my brothers were kids ) As for the youngest one hes just over 2 and i dont think he would understand anything thats happening.

    ive spoken to my wife about the spoiling and i mentioned we would need to have the same rules as to not let the boys get away with things that are not ok in another house hold. Im extremely organised in my life maybe a little too much but that wont be a big issue. They will have everything they need with me.

    when it comes to the positive experience i believe i have the grit to man up and be a good role model for them, we always have lots of fun, however i do bump heads with my eldest he is extremely hard work, but since my wife has told me things about me she doesn't like ive changed a fair bit for the better (not so cranky with the mess in the house and such and dirty kids) i don't criticize my wife in any instance so thats one il hopefully be ok with.

    like i said im very organized so hopefully it shouldn't be too mcuh of an issue with schedules.

    no dramas on the child care fees just thought i would ask.

    and as for the resentful thing i just feel crappy about it, i completely understand this is how it is, and in the same instance im sure she will feel the same when i move on or something of the sort, theres no doubt i will, but until then it will be tough emotionally.

    Did you end up having a better run next time round if you have had one yet?

    thanks again, this is truly helpful for me, you have all been extremely kind to me in this sad time.

    Thank you

  12. Betternow
    Betternow avatar
    237 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Npf1120

    Did you end up having a better run next time round if you have had one yet?

    Well, that's another full chapter of my life that would fill several pages. After my wife shot through, I was crushed. She left me without warning and no discussion. I came home from work one day and she was gone. I was dumped for another man, who she had been seeing while still married to me. I only discovered her affair after she had left me. I was in shock. My world was turned upside down overnight. I became distrustful of the world in general. I developed anxiety disorder with panic. I was not attractive partner material. I put my energy into my career and my children. No girlfriends and few dates. I wasn't emotionally ready for many years.

    I would never advise any recently divorced man to rush into marriage. You need a time for deep reflection after divorce. Consider therapy to try and get a better understanding of your self. The Australian statistics on men in successful second marriages aren't pretty. Women tend to stay single longer after divorce than men, and when they remarry the failure rate is less than men marrying again.

    I found that as a weekend father, it was difficult to meet women. You work all week, then spend weekends running around with the kids to sport and as they got older, there would be sleep overs with friends and all the usual things kids do.

    Eventually, my children reached their late teens and stopped visiting. No problems, they just developed different interests, like most teenagers. I was 46 years of age by now and met a divorced woman, with two adult children. I had been divorced 13 years at this point. We clicked, got married a couple of years later and just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary in May.

    So the answer to your question is YES, I did get a better run on the next round. The mistakes I made in the first marriage I attempted to correct in the second marriage. Mind you, you have to put the work in and not every day is a bed of roses. The biggest thing I learnt from the failure of the first marriage, was to always make sure you actively listen when your wife is talking to you. Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, never brush them away. You can never afford to be emotionally absent if you want your marriage to thrive.

  13. Npf1120
    Npf1120 avatar
    8 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to Betternow

    Oh that’s terrible to hear, obviously a long time ago. not a nice thing to have to overcome. Good to hear your kids and yourself had a good run though, that’s the most important part for me, I also want to focus on my career more and feel this will give me the opportunity to do better at it and grow a bit more,

    to be frank, I never really wanted to get married, I had heaps of pressure and just went with it. So to be honest I’m not too interested in marriage again unless I’m magnificently in love.

    I have read a lot this past few weeks, and I see that men go through some soul searching to help make themselves a better partner, I know somethings now I wish I knew a few years ago and I would have fixed them.

    I will definitely date but I don’t think I will rush into it.

    I do know I need to listen more intently. I’m just such a simple person that has very little needs but I guess others have different needs that I need to consider.

    thanks so much for sharing, It’s great to hear life is good for you and that’s unbelievable 22 year anInveraray I have only hit my 6th..., Gives me some real hope.

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