Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: Wife has new male best friend

  1. JM2020
    JM2020 avatar
    10 posts
    23 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Thank you.... apparently now she's in love. i am sure this guy 20 years her senior will jump at this opportunity if he has the guts to leave his wife.

    I told her about the text messages i found and she really couldnt dispute anything.

    I'm moving out, just trying to figure out where. I have said we're done.

    Just need to discuss with the kids.

    Gee i really need to update the heading of the thread lol we've come so far....

    2 people found this helpful
  2. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    23 January 2022 in reply to white knight
    Hi Tony. Agreed, and it is common to lay the blame at the penultimate stage in acrimonious separation without acknowledging the mitigating events that led up to it - there are no winners, and retaining compassion for the sufferer (regardless of trigger) can concede the shared responsibility for the dissolution.
    In this respect, 'finding fault' is of no consequence and only leads to bitterness - all one can allow is melancholy for not seeing the signs earlier. Nevertheless, the family carries on (albeit in a new configuration) and respectful communication is no less warranted once the ink has dried. I am sorry your ex could not respond in kind.
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    23 January 2022 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe

    Re: "finding fault' is of no consequence and only leads to bitterness -". Too right. It's been 25 years since I split with her. I can truly say I'd still be confused had her 2nd husband not approached me and express he had the same issues before he also left.

    Which raises an interesting thing, in regards to JM, To maintain your confidence. Wrong is wrong, there is no grey in cheating.


  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16471 posts
    24 January 2022 in reply to JM2020

    Hello JM, marriages always have disagreements, you can't or don't have to accept everything your spouse wants and if this doesn't happen then problems develop either way, as you might be scared to offer your suggestion, however, when two people don't agree doesn't mean the marriage is in trouble and shouldn't be a cause to have an affair.

    A marriage may go through a period of not agreeing, that's a marriage that often happens until a settlement has been determined but it doesn't mean you go out with another person, hold hands, cuddle, kiss each other and whatever else this leads to because that's cheating on your spouse, sure you can contact someone to talk about this situation but that's how far it goes.

    I pity not only you but also this other chaps wife and the children in both situations and if you want to move on from her then you have my support.

    Best wishes.


  5. Isabella_
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    162 posts
    24 January 2022 in reply to JM2020

    Please don't apologise for venting on here.. That's exactly what this place is made for. We're all here to listen and please feel free to share as much as you're comfortable with.

    I hope you'll find comfort in updating us on your situation if you're willing. <3

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Kim1988
    Kim1988 avatar
    26 posts
    29 January 2022 in reply to JM2020

    Hi JM2020. I don’t think what you’re requesting is unreasonable at all. This friendship has obviously crossed a boundary that you’re not comfortable with and you are her husband. She’s married to you and if there’s something she’s doing that you don’t like you need to tell her and vice versa.

    The fact that the two have even acknowledged that they have feelings for each other so openly would be a major no-no for me. They have feelings for each other. They’ve just agreed not to sleep together. How strong are the feelings that they have towards each other? If it’s a strong connection it might be hard for them to resist in the end.

    If my husband told me he had a female friend and they both had feelings for each other I’d find it highly concerning. It is not fair to you to be with someone who’s got 50% of her attention somewhere else. I know it’s not like once you’re in a relationship everyone else is somehow ugly. Thinking that someone from the opposite sex is attractive isn’t a crime, but if there’s feelings involved that should be meant for only you that’s an issue.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Earth Girl
    Earth Girl avatar
    18 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to JM2020

    I feel like what they are doing is kind of cheating because they have feelings for each other (they even admitted to it) and are hanging out despite her being in a relationship with you. You don't have to do sexual things with a person who isn't your partner (or boyfriend/girlfriend) for it to be cheating. It seems like emotional cheating to me.

    This must be really hard for you because you still love her, but you also notice that she seems happier with someone else and that it is helping her mental health. Like someone else suggested, I think it would be good to do couple's therapy. You may even need to ask her if she is still interested in being with you any more because this type of cheating could definitely escalate into something more, though they'd probably do this part secretly.

    There is unfortunately a chance that she will leave you for him so just be prepared in case that happens. Reach out to loved ones if it helps and do things you enjoy and spend lots of time with your children. In the mean time, it is very important that you find out if she still wants to be with you to save you from getting even more hurt further down the road.

    If she says she still wants to be with you, but also wants to spend time with this other man she also has feeling for, ask her if she would like it if you started dating or spending time with someone else that you also had feelings for. I don't think she would like you doing that and if she doesn't have a problem with that, then maybe she doesn't even value the good thing she already has that much.

    If you can't at least get her to go to couple's counselling with you, it would be good if you could see someone by yourself, because while what she is doing may be helping her with her mental health, it's probably making yours/going to make yours' a lot worse.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.

Sign me up