Topic: Wife of 25 years cheated on me due to depression.

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't understand how she could do it to me. I feel our relationship is in a good place now and I want to move forward but I struggle every day with what she did.

Hi Zedman,

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. It definitely is a disheartening situation. Understanding a mental health problem that you have never experienced is a hard thing to do. I myself have never experienced depression, so I hope another person comments to maybe explain a little more about it. Cheating is also something difficult to recover from, but it is not impossible. You clearly have a strong connection after 25 years of marriage. Affairs are not something to recover over quickly, but by taking baby steps, things could begin to move forward. Maybe talking to her and gaining some closure about the affair, and focussing on the present may help your relationship. Do what feels right and comfortable for yourself.

So I know very little about affairs but ok on depression. Thinking out loud ... The affair was maybe a way of disengaging with the real world? Does not have to think about bills, cleaning etc. For a few brief moments of happiness?

On the other hand it could made her feel more stressed. A bad decision? I am a bad person... Thoughts!

There are likely many possibilities of reasons as to why. Forgiveness and acceptance and moving forward can take a while. You seem to want to make it work and that is a plus in my book.

Zedman

welcome to the forum.
Depression affects individuals in different ways.
Has she ever spoken to you about the affair ? If not is that something that may be helpful or confronting.
I know for me depression made me feel worthless and unloveable and I felt I was a burden to my partner. Depression can be cruel and makes us believe things that aren’t true.

I think it will take time for understanding and forgiveness .

Hello Zedman, it's always so disappointing when you find out your spouse has been having an affair, and although I'm certainly not supporting this at all as it wedges a rock between the two of you, not knowing what's actually going on when they aren't with you and any messages left on their phone, however, with depression they tend to want to talk to someone new who will listen and pay attention in another way than their spouse.

I'm not a doctor but know of this happening, and it did happen to me, but it was only talking to someone else and nothing more, but can see how it might become more than that.

If you can understand that as she was suffering from depression, it's just like talking to a therapist, getting another view point from a person who is not linked to the situation.

What can happen is that once the two of you reunite and she knows that she has done something wrong, then she and this other person's relationship fades away because she realises that another third person only confuses the situation, but needs to be able to talk to a therapist.

I know it's been tough for you and as your relationship has improved, then a little trust has to be built, once this has been achieved then develop new strategies to get you both on track.

Please take care.

Geoff.

I have tried talking to her but she is very guarded about telling me what happened because she feel so ashamed of what she has done.

She said she felt worthless and by entering into a relationship with a man who treated her badly was her way of trying to make herself feel worse because she thought she didn't deserve to be happy. He decided to tell me about the affair to get back at her and sent me all the text messages over the 2½ year affair. I try to talk to her about what happened but she is guarded about telling me everything I want know because she said she feels ashamed of what she did. She described as watching a movie, where you feel you have no control over where it is going or what is happening. She is seeing a psychologist and we see a counsellor together. What she did was so out of character for her.

sounds as though you are both working on this together.

I obviously cannot speak for your wife, except to say that some things are easier to o psychologist in a safe space than to your partner. (If it was a type of punishment (?) for herself what was the catalyst - perhaps something the psychologist will only find out?) And from my side again ... with self-sabotage you know the result. Happiness from uncertainly can be fearful.

And you both deserve to happy.

Hi Zedman,

Thanks for reaching out here and sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. I know you mentioned that you spoke to your wife about your concerns but i think your feelings won't go away until you fully talk to her about it. I know you may not want to speak to her about this topic because of what she is going through and you probably don't want to hurt her feelings, but you will have to talk about it. Unfortunately being cheated on is not something you can forget and it may be difficult to move on from. If you love your wife and want this relationship to continue, the only way it will work is if you forgive her. It will be very hard, but you have to forgive her. Try to maybe understand her viewpoint so you can get closure, but you have to forgive what she has done, if you want your relationship to continue. It might be a good idea to book an appointment together with her psychologist to maybe help resolve these issues. Relationships are hard work, there are ups and downs, but both parties have to work together to make things work. Hope this helps.