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Topic: Wife of many years now non-binary - really not sure how I feel about this

  1. Lillylane
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Lillylane avatar
    369 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Battlin Business Owner

    Hi BBO,

    You’ve been married a long time. I do wonder if your wife is quite worried about what you might say (in terms of your relationship). So might be putting it off? (Which isn’t great I know).

    Do you ever email or text each other to discuss things? It could be a way of talking when it’s too emotionally charged in person.

    I would try and reassure her that:

    - you don’t expect ‘a say’ in her gender identity. That is hers alone. You acknowledge and accept that.

    - as her partner, you’re trying to adjust to information that is new to you. You’d rather talk about it, than be left wondering or assuming.

    And from her perspective, is she happy for your marriage and personal interaction to continue as it always has? I think it’s reasonable that you’re asking for clarification on that.

    Even if it takes a bit of time to work out how you both feel.

    Thanks for letting us know how you’re going. Hope it helps to talk.


    2 people found this helpful
  2. Feeling Lost and Alone
    Feeling Lost and Alone avatar
    1 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Battlin Business Owner
    I feel for you but dont have any suggestions except that your not alone as I'm in the same boat.
    Been together nearly 25yrs and my wife has always had what I thought was a low libido. She stopped wanting physical affection early in our relationship but everything else was good, so I just dealt with it, until we got married and it was like an off switch was hit. I tired talking about it when We started seeing a marriage counselor and I told her to raise the issue of our sexless marriage because I didn't want to be the typical male complaining. She still hasn't mentioned anything to the councilor.
    Recently she mentioned to my step mom, when talking about my niece's being non-binary, that when she was younger she never had that option so just identified as a tomboy.
    Now I wonder if this is the reason she is not sexually attracted to me. She won't discuss it. I feel lost and alone, like she had always felt this way and I've just been strung along. Now I feel trapped. like I have no options and it's really difficult and there's no support. I'm wanting her to admit she has an issue but I feel she is in denial.
    At least you have a real reason from you wife but the hurt is real.

    I hope you can get some closure soon.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Battlin Business Owner
    Battlin Business Owner avatar
    18 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to randomx
    Hey Rx, that's exactly how I feel.
  4. Battlin Business Owner
    Battlin Business Owner avatar
    18 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Juliet_84
    Thx Juliet. I don't think she see's the need to 'talk' about it as; it's about her, and, she's apparently always felt this way just didn't understand it, or have a way of explaining it.
  5. Battlin Business Owner
    Battlin Business Owner avatar
    18 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Feeling Lost and Alone

    Wow, so very similar. My wife also identified as a tomboy early in life.

    I hope your wife will soon at least discuss with you the fact she's identifying as non-binary.

    Like you, I don't have a solution.

    as with many things in life seems you either accept it, adapt and move forward or make a more drastic change. I still haven't decided.

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