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Topic: Back Again

27 posts, 0 answered
  1. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    28 October 2021
    Hi guys, just want to say hi again. I'm back again. I think it was around the time I had my birthday and I turned 35. Anyways, nothing's changed as I said. I am still as hopeless as ever.

    Here's a few things about me. I am still jobless, unable to get a job anywhere (due to longterm unemployment), unable to work due to my mental condition and don't know what to do with my life. I still live at home. I am still single, unwanted and childless (I dont think that will change, sadly). I am still socially isolated, with no friends. All my friends are gone from my life. I am STILL suffering from depression and anxiety, been unable to work, still. I am still on medication. I was cut off from Centrelink because I went through a really depressed period this winter where I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't function at all. And this Spring has felt like a continuation of winter. I have NO social life.

    Basically, Centrelink referred me to a Disability Employment Services. However, I went through a really low patch where I was feeling really crappy. Both about myself and my life. I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't even do the one thing that's been helping my mental health and that's gardening because the weather has been nearly constantly terrible. I stopped answering my phone, they were trying to contact me by mail, but I had no motivation to do anything. My depression has been really bad. I have no purpose in my life. I have never been married, never even been in a real relationship before. No one has ever wanted me. My friends have all abandoned me years ago before things even turned to crap in my life.

    I was going to the gym. But I stopped that too. When the lockdown hit, I didn't go there for 2 weeks. Then we had to wear masks there. I went after that. But then I lost all my motivation to go anymore. I started going only once a week, then it was once every 2 weeks, now I haven't been for nearly a month. All I do these days is lay in bed. I feel like I've lost in this life. I don't even know how I ended up so alone. I have no one to talk to each day. I have no one to hang out with. I am so painfully lonely and isolated. I am in an online relationship but all she does is abuse me. I tried online dating sites, but nobody is ever interested in me and I never found anyone I liked. I feel so lonely in my life.
  2. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    28 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    I haven't left the house much at all this year. My dog is like my only real friend these days. The closest thing I have ever had to having a child. She's 16 now, struggling to walk, doesn't even like going outside anymore. She's losing her sight. I don't know if or when we might have to put her down. But I will be struggling with that as well emotionally.

    I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm such a burden on everyone I know. I am an outcast. I wish I was better but I can't be. I can't be more than what I am. All I see on Facebook is other people with happy successful lives, while I have nothing, and I am isolated - I never hear from anyone anymore. I have never been in a relationship in my life. And all the women my age are married with kids or have been married before and don't want to do it again. When I think about it, I just want to throw myself off a bridge because I can't handle these feelings anymore. No woman wants a guy who is inexperienced, who they have to teach everything to. But nobody has ever wanted me. I have tried online dating sites for over a decade with no luck whatsoever in meeting anyone. Because most people are either taken or married or there's something seriously off about them.

    I don't know how I ended up so alone. My last job at the hotel I was bullied, and insulted. I had a breakdown back then. I lost my self-esteem, I lost everything. I distanced myself from workmates. I didn't want to see anyone. Since then I saw a therapist who diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder, ADHD, Aspergers. Was on medication and went to group therapy for social anxiety. I went back to study I.T. but I failed dismally. Was again called a retard by my classmates, had no friends there and didn't fit in, was mocked by the lecturer, fell into yet another depression and never went back. My therapist got so angry with me, she never wanted to see me again so I never went back.

    My doctor/GP has lost patience with me. Because I've been unable to follow through with a mental health plan. My memory and functioning is crap and so is my organization. I am so lonely I think I am developing early onset dementia. I used to look at groups of friends hanging out and feel sad I was alone. Then I used to see happy couples together and feel sad that I was alone. These days I see couples with kids together and I feel sad that I am alone. But I try to keep myself busy doing things, or I feel empty, lonely, bored and depressed and I start to go nuts.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    28 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Hi cee123,
     
    Thank you for keeping us updated as to how things are going with yourself and your GP/therapy. We are sorry to hear that things are still quite difficult despite the help you are receiving from your GP and therapist.
     
    We have reached out to you privately tonight to see how we can support your further.
     
    Have you discussed a safety plan with them in regard to your thoughts?
     
    If you feel like you may act upon your thoughts, would you consider calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 to discuss how you feel and strategies on how to keep yourself safe?
     
    If you feel like you may harm yourself in anyway, this would be an emergency and you should call 000.
     
    We hope things improve shortly and we hope you keep the community updated as to how things are in future.
  4. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    29 October 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Well I still feel terrible this morning. But I managed to get out of bed, shower and have coffee. So that's something. That's basically my life though. I ran out of antidepressants. I've been out for a few days. So maybe that's why I am feeling terrible. I have not seen a therapist in over a decade but I've seen multiple therapists throughout my life... none of it helped. Each time I'd make a step in the right direction to fix my life, everything falls apart again and I end up back at square one. I might have to go back to my GP and get another script on my antidepressants. I don't feel that they were a huge help, but they numbed these feelings at least.

    I've reached out to people but nobody ever seems to care or reaches back. Everyone is too busy with their lives. Too busy that they forget about me. Since I have been so alone in my life and without much social support, that has made me a target for some cruel, horrible people. So I have had difficulties with trusting people.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    29 October 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi there,

    I really appreciate that you've shared your story on here. Please always remember that you will always be welcomed here with open arms, and that this is a safe space free of judgement.

    I can see that everything is incredibly difficult for you right now, and you're feeling like there's no where to turn. You are feeling extremely isolated, abandoned, and that you're a burden on everyone, as well as your GP and therapist. You've been extremely depressed to the point where you've hardly left your house, or gotten in contact with anyone over the phone, and you haven't been able to do the things you enjoy.

    I can imagine that because of lockdown, isolating yourself has become much easier and has made everything a lot more difficult, in terms of loneliness and losing motivation.

    You mentioned that you're currently in an online relationship with someone who is abusive, that you've experienced bullying in your previous workplace and university, and you're GP has lost patience with you and your therapist had gotten angry with you.. In conjunction with your diagnoses, I can see how this is has been unbearable for you and your ability to live your life.

    It's unfair that to this day, mental health stigma still exists in healthcare and all facets of society. You do not deserve negligence, abuse or bullying from anyone, and I'm so sorry that you've had to and continue to experience this.

    I can see that you're seriously considering ending your life. As Sophie has mentioned, how would it feel to contact Lifeline today, or when you feel like you're going to act on these thoughts? You could also use their text service if you aren't comfortable talking to someone on the phone and if you find it easier to type out your thoughts.

    I can see that you believe that there isn't a way out. But I want you to know that you have options, and I see strength in you and a strong desire to change. Your immediate safety is the most important thing, and I hope that you can focus on getting through today.

    I'd love to hear from you. <3

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    29 October 2021 in reply to Isabella_
    I'm not suicidal. I just feel like garbage. I just have those thoughts but I wouldn't act on them. I don't feel like I have any options in my life, I don't feel like I have anything good to look forward to. When I was younger, I felt like I still had a bit of hope, but as I get older, I feel like that hope is dimishing. I honestly don't know how I'm still alive or for what reason but I wake up everyday and I don't know why. If it wasn't for my supportive family, I don't think I'd still be here. And I never went to university, it was TAFE. I got such poor grades at school, I never would've made it to university. I was bullied at school, and left halfway through year 11. I went through a really bad period after high school. I had a lot of anger issues where I was referred to a psychologist. That didn't help me. I've only ever worked at a chicken factory and when I left there, I worked briefly as a housekeeper at a hotel in the afternoon shift. I went through a breakdown at that job after some bullying that happened there by the guys working in security, and went to see a psychiatrist after that. That didn't help either. Well it did... briefly. I went back to studying, and I didnt have anything in common with other students there as they were all 10 years younger than me and had a lot going on in their lives. And then I failed my course miserably which hurt my self esteem even more. I haven't worked in about 10 years and dont even think I'd even be able to get a job or fit in in the workplace. Some people have suggested to me to do volunteer work, but that would basically be the same thing. I dont know what to do anymore. Somedays I scroll through Facebook for hours on end but no one ever talks to me, even when I reach out. Except once a year when it's my birthday. My phone never rings. I never get emails from anyone. My only company are my family who I still live with and when we visit other family, my dog who is ageing and in poor condition, and the occasional person walking past. My brother recently moved out and got a house he bought with his friend, I hardly see him anymore. I've never been in a real relationship (I know, I've mentioned that so many times). I don't know. I have rang Lifeline once before and it helped me... The woman on the phone really listened to me and made me feel cared about. Maybe I should ring again sometime but I am really shy and would feel like I'm wasting their time.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    29 October 2021 in reply to Isabella_
    I dont understand why all the terrible people who do nothing but treat other people badly in life get everything they want and more than what they deserve, including the people who badly bullied me at high school. They all have good jobs, nice partners, own their own homes and families. And I have tried to be nothing more than a good person and an honest person in my life, and I've ended up with nothing. Not even a drop or shred of anything. And if it wasn't for my family, I would also be homeless and abandoned. It's reverse karma. The neighbours don't talk to us anymore. Nobody does. Only occasionally walking past. Today a woman walked past and told us that we need to put our dog down. How mean is that?? My dog is my only friend, she's like a child I never had. During the breakdown I had, she was what lifted my spirits and got me to get out of bed and go outside when all I wanted to do was lay there in a ball and die. All I want to do lately is cry, and somedays I feel like I can't look at people because I don't want them to see that. I don't know anymore what the future holds. I've been told I'm still young. But honestly I'd have a better chance of anything if I was 25, and I can't go back.
  8. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    30 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    I'm struggling mentally, socially, financially and the older I get I'm also starting to struggle physically. My mental health issues are still there, I can't get disability for it. I was on unemployment, searched for jobs but never heard anything from anybody. I only got 3 payments from Centrelink over a 6 month period before they started harassing me weekly, and I got cut off. I don't know how I'm going to afford the gym anymore (not that I've been going lately, I've lost all motivation for everything). I used to be keeping fit and healthy. But now I don't care anymore what happens to me. Pretty soon I'm going to be confined to the house as I can't afford anything I won't even be able to afford medication anymore for this depression and anxiety. I don't know if there's any point to this anymore. Everyday I wake up I think to myself "what's the point?" "I might as well be dead" and then I'd start doing some housework, or gardening or work around the house and I start to feel better. Just going outside for some fresh air makes me feel better but that's about as far as it goes.
  9. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    One thing I forgot to mention is that my dad still controls mine and tries to control my brother's life. He doesn't even seem to realize that myself and my brother are adults now in our 30's and that we want a life of our own. He has put us down our whole lives, never said anything positive about us or gave us any encouragement whatsoever or said that we could do anything. He's a selfish person. My mother has always tried to help us throughout our lives, while he has done absolutely nothing for us. He parks his car behind mine or takes my car driving so I am stuck at home and can't go anywhere. He is a very selfish person. He wont let us make decisions, and has stopped both of us from having anything meaningful in our lives. My brother is lucky in that he had a friend who was going to purchase a house, and they bought it together, so he got to move out at 32 and now lives there with his mate. BUT he is facing a similar problem now - his mate has started becoming controlling and doing the same thing. He can never get his car out of the garage because his mate has always parked his behind it while he fixes other people's cars. His mate decides on everything they do. So neither myself or my brother have had a meaningful social life. My dad has failed us both... turned us into losers like him. I hate him sometimes.

    So many people have lectured my dad about us being adults now and being capable of making our own decisions but he just won't listen, instead he laughs about it thinking it's a joke and doesn't care. My brother has become an alcoholic and seems like he's depressed and I drink a fair bit myself as a result of loneliness and unhappiness. When my dad found out my brother bought a house with his mate (my brother didn't tell him) he got angry and started yelling, telling him he's stupid and he's going to end up in debt, that he wasted his money etc instead of being happy for him! Even today I struggle with managing my own finances and doing my own shopping. No one understands. They hate me and think I'm a joke. Myself and my brother have never been married or had any kids because he isolated us and wouldn't let us live our lives. And this is why we lost friends, didnt have a social life etc because we have a selfish, controlling father who controlled all the bills, decisions, transport, what we eat or drink and everything in this family. He never took us anywhere or did anything as kids.
  10. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Sleep was really rough last night. I kept checking my phone. Logging into forums, checking youtube, checking facebook, checking my messages, commenting on random things, and waiting for people to reply. No one ever did. This is what I do lately. Compulsively I've been checking my phone. I just wanted that one person to talk to me and I would've felt alright. But that's not what I got just quietness and crickets outside my window. I turned on the TV, watched something instead. My clouded mind couldn't focus on what they were saying. Couldn't piece together what was going on. I pulled the blankets over my head, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. Today I woke up late, didn't bother showering and now I'm just sitting here. Compulsively checking my phone. I went outside for 5 minutes but there's nobody around. I have days where I feel like I'm going nuts.
  11. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    There's nobody here... I'm talking to myself. Why does everybody always ignore me? :(
  12. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Hey Cee123, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. Sorry to hear you're struggling and we're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. 

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
      We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

    Kind regards,
    Modsupport  
  13. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee,

    I'm glad to hear back from you, and I'm glad to hear that you're safe.

    I resonate with what you said about feeling frustrated that the people who treat you and others badly seemingly get handed what they don't deserve.

    I don't have a lot of knowledge about how Centrelink works for disability pay.. But I'm wondering with your diagnoses how you aren't eligible? Would you need to give them more recent medical information by contacting a GP and getting a mental health care plan?

    It's really nice to read that you got out of bed, had a shower and a coffee, and also that you've found housework, gardening and getting some fresh air helpful in making you feel better. It's these little things that are so important.

    It's awful what your dad has put you and your family through. You are indeed an adult and should have the freedoms of deciding what you want to do. But importantly.. you don't deserve a father who intentionally tries to lower your self esteem.

    I can see that you feel a lot of disappointment with yourself, and feel that you won't ever fit in with groups of people, which on top of how people have treated you has made you resistant to start working again and do other social activities. I think being patient with yourself by realising that your mental and physical health currently needs to be worked on before putting any expectations on yourself. is important. I have faith that you will find yourself able to take the steps to do the things you want to do, but right now you need to take care of yourself and get the help you need. I wouldn't expect anyone going through the things that you are to be able to shake it off one day and find a job or a partner, etc.

    How are you feeling this morning? You mentioned that you've been compulsively checking your phone and didn't get some good sleep the other night, and I'm sorry that you've been stuck waiting for a reply.

  14. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to Cee123
    I just got back from the doctor. All I got was a prescription on my tablets. He asked me if I've been working which I said no (I havent had a job for years now, and struggled to find work since I experienced bullying at my last job). He asked if I still lived at home, I said yes. He just looked at me. I never felt like a worse piece of crap in my life. I am an outcast everywhere I go. On the way there, I was driving through a school zone, and saw all the parents with their kids walking out. I'm sure they're my age. And then when I got to the doctor's surgery there were women in there with their kids. Guys my age sitting there with their wives and kids, and I am sitting there by myself, awkward and looking like a loser and even the people at the desk wouldn't look at me. The doctor hurried me out of the room, and couldn't be bothered with me. So I left. I am struggling so much with depression I can't do simple things and have been like this for a long time. I dont think I will ever find my place in this world.
  15. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to Isabella_
    Hi Isabelle. I've been feeling terrible in all honesty. I've been having suicidal thoughts. I won't but that's how I've been feeling. I am so depressed and disappointed in myself for being the way I am. An awkward loser.

    I got another script on my tablets. The doctor couldn't be bothered with me, hurried me out of the room. I tried to talk to him but all he said was "oh yeah" or "ok". I don't even think he realizes how bad I am! On the surface I look fine, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But that's the surface. Even the women at the desk wouldn't look at me and were really rude to me. They left me standing there for a good 15 minutes until I interrupted one of them and she said "JUST A MINUTE PLEASE!". No one wanted to sit near me in the waiting room. And when I was walking out of there, a girl saw me and walked right around me like I have some kind of disease or something. Why does everyone think I am a weirdo, a sexual predator or have Covid or something.

    I can't find a place in society. No one wants anything to do with me. I am socially isolated and don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to break that isolation. My last therapist just said "go out and talk to people". She also told me to find a partner and that would help with my loneliness. She told me to go on eHarmony. I tried to tell her I tried all those kinds of sites and no one was ever interested and she just talked over the top of me. Whenever I tried to talk to her about anything, including damaging experiences from my childhood where I was SEVERELY bullied, she didn't want to know about it.

    My dad has undermined my self esteem my whole life by constantly telling me I can't do things. He wanted me and my brother to have nothing. What the hell kind of parent wants their children to have nothing? And so have the people who were supposed to be my friends. Stabbed me in the back so many times and discarded me. I was also excluded from things, and then later found out they were hanging out without me. I never really had any good friends in my life.

    I've just feeling lately like I don't want to live anymore. No one understands. No one cares. As long as things are fine in their lives, they don't care about me. They have no room for me in their lives. And that was when I stopped bothering with other people. I'd reach out just to say hi, and ask how they're doing and they don't even respond. And that makes me feel even worse.
  16. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Hi Cee123,

    We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult lately and that you have been feeling so depressed and disappointed in yourself. We can hear just how hard things are for you right now, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    It sounds like you are sitting with some heavy feelings, so we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. You have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life, not just survive.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.
  17. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Last night, I was awake, feeling so depressed and googling things like loneliness, social isolation, childlessness, adoption, surrogacy, sperm donation. None of it made me feel any better. The pain just never goes away. Some nights I am so lonely, I lay awake and I turn on the TV just so I can feel like I have some company, just so I can hear some voices. Even when I was working, I had nights where I was so lonely and I'd finish late after work, I'd just toss and turn and then I'd wake up the next day feeling like garbage. And people would make fun of me and say that I was stoned and that I was up all night doing drugs the night before. Which I wasn't. The security guys would pick on me.

    After taking at least one antidepressant this afternoon, I am surprised at the difference it made to how I feel. But I've been off them for a week now and I've been feeling terrible. I told my doctor that. He didn't say much. But I went from feeling like I wanted to die and feeling like there's nothing for me in this life, to feeling like "well this is sh**, but maybe I can make do". I feel like it's changing my brain. Maybe I can do things to improve slowly. You are right. My life is more about survival than living. And I don't know how I've lived this long or where this strength comes from to get up everyday. I know if it was anyone else in my shoes, they wouldn't have lasted with the things that I've been through and the lack of things that I have. They wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. And if it wasn't for my family, I don't think I could've either. I've had people who were rude to me saying things like "what the hell do you do all day?" thinking I just sit around and do nothing. Questions like that are basically rubbing salt into my wounds. I tried to get a job but I was unsuccessful. I always find something to do. And if I don't then I start to go a bit nuts. Some days I talk to myself and I accept that's normal for me and I don't care.

    When I rang Lifeline, I'll never forget what the woman told me. She told me I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me. But that's certainly not the way I've been feeling. Since I turned 35 this year, I've been depressed and feeling like an old man and dead inside. I'm a shadow of what I used to be. I am scarred and beaten down. Whoever hates me can shoot me again because I have not died. And I'm still standing with their knives in my back.
  18. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Dear Cee123,

    It sounds like things have been very rough night and that you have little to no support around you. It’s almost no wonder you're feeling the way you are. It takes a lot of strength to share what’s happening for you and reach out to our online community and we’re glad that you have.
     
    We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

    We want you to know that there is always additional support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on any thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.

  19. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee, I'm really glad to hear from you.

    "I'm still standing with their knives in my back".. You described your pain really well.. Bullying leaves life long scars giving you the worst self esteem.. Every time you go in public everyone becomes the enemy, the hurtful words that were said to you echo in and you don't know who to trust.

    I'm proud of you for taking the step to see a doctor. You deserve healthcare that is empathetic to your needs. From what you've described you didn't get that from the doctor you saw and they were very judgemental of you.. I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm still really proud of you for taking the steps of making an appointment, making your way there, and going into see them. I know that wasn't easy for you but it's an amazing thing.

    How would you feel about potentially seeing a new doctor.. Someone with good reviews who is empathetic to mental health needs? Not all doctors are unfortunately.. But maybe making some google searches could be a helpful step. How would you feel about trying to do therapy again?

    I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better with your new prescription.. Withdrawal from SSRI's can have also side effects and like you said perhaps that was the cause of your very low mood. It's great that they help your mood.

    It sounds like the impact of your bullying has left very severe scars.. On top of that being controlled by your dad, suffering from depression, social anxiety, adhd and aspergers that aren't being treated. You've completely withdrawn socially and from life because you feel that you don't have a place.. It sounds like your mind is fighting between wanting a family, and living your life as you want to so badly, but your mental health is trying to protect you by keeping you inside and in bed.

    I can see the pain you're in. None of this is your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, and you never deserved what you received. You deserve happiness, good relationships, all the things that you feel that you aren't good enough for.. You are wanted. And I hope that one day you see that.. By no means is it too late for you.

    I think you're beginning to realise what you want in life and what you deserve.. How you don't deserve that awful treatment from your father or the dismissal from your doctor. Maybe this low is a turning point for you.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    It's true. I've had little to no support in my life. Either professionally, or socially. No matter where I go, no one seems to care. Being ignored and excluded by so-called "friends" hurt me a lot. It also hurts being ignored here. My only support are my mother and father (if you can even call that support). Other than that, I have no one. Just this online relationship I've been in for 6 years now, and the constant anger and abuse that I've been copping from her, I'm not even sure I want this anymore. She read my posts here in BeyondBlue and now I am dealing with heat from her... Again.

    I sometimes wonder if something happened to my parents, what would happen to me? I don't like to think about that though. It's not fair that other people have supportive groups of friends, supportive family (not just their parents), supportive partners etc. And everything that I've been through - I've been through it alone. Sometimes I see the lives of other people on Facebook and I feel sad. I'd reach out to people, but I'd just feel like I was using them for my own emotional support. That, and they don't care about me. It's true what they say. People only really want to know you when things are going well for you. When they aren't, forget it!

    When I left High School, I had a lot of anger and resentment, which evolved into mood swings. I am 100% sure I had undiagnosed PTSD. I was seeing a therapist that time referred to me by the high school, and she did basically nothing, didn't even want to talk about these experiences. Every time I would bring it up, she would change the subject to something happy and positive. Just flat out wasn't interested. I was getting flashbacks and nightmares. I didn't want to leave the house because I was scared of running into people from high school, and they had (quite a few times) threatened to kill me or bash me if they saw me again. I knew if I didn't get these feelings and anger under control, my life could've taken a different path that could've led to violence and me to being arrested. I was struggling and didnt work for quite a few years, and my friends called me a bum and didn't want to know me anymore.

    I took up writing as an outlet. I believe that saved me. I wrote a blog and kept a diary. I was able to express myself. I also listened to a lot of metal music and rap. These helped me with my emotions. And I gradually began to get better over the years. I also inspired some people to write their own. But I dont do that anymore.
  21. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    7 November 2021 in reply to Cee123

    It's sad that people don't ever know what's truly going on, even people you consider close friends or family.

    Why would your girlfriend be angry at you for opening up on here? Why would she have that right to judge you, or be mad at you for reaching out for help?

  22. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Isabella_
    They do know what's going on, they do know that I suffer from depression, they just don't care. People can talk about me, but they won't talk to me to my face. They will never ask me how I'm doing or anything, they only avoid me and talk about me behind my back. I've given up.

  23. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Hey Cee123,

    Thank you for updating us. We’re sorry to hear you’re feeling like giving up. That must be incredibly difficult. No one should have to feel alone through this.

    We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking it through and working out options for more support. 

    We’d really recommend checking out the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven’t already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

    Thanks again for sharing here and keeping us updated on your thread. It’s good to hear that you use writing and music as an outlet. Is this something you’ve been keeping up with recently?

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to Cee123

    It's not fair. I understand that the constant lack of support from people around you has made you lost hope.

    I haven't heard from you in a little bit.. How have you been in the last few days? What have they been like for you?

    I'm sorry that I don't have the answers or have the right things to say, but I care and I'm here to listen.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3078 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee123,

    I thought I would pop in and say hello as well. I read all of your posts and I think you'd be surprised how much of it all I can relate to. I imagine that it feels really lonely for you not having anyone you can really talk to, but there's other people who are going through similar things too. You've also talked about people giving up on you, but Isabella_ and Sophie_M hasn't. That's important.

    I'm glad you've been able to find ways to cope over the years despite not getting much help from therapists; whether that's the writing that you did, a bit of housework or some showers and fresh air. It all counts.

    rt

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    119 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Isabella_
    Thanks for your reply Isabella. I'm sorry I didnt reply sooner. I've just been keeping myself busy. Yeah I've thought about seeing another doctor. This one has tried to help me, but I think, like everyone else, he has given up on me too. Not even sure what to do anymore. Since I've been back on medication, I've been a little better. I went off them for a week, and I went into a really dark place emotionally. I wanted to end my life. I told the doctor that. I even spoke to a helpline councelor once and halfway through the conversation they disappeared... I was like "hello? Are you still there?". Got no response. So I hung up.

    I'm doing ok. I think. But I can't find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. I just get up more out of obligation. Hope you're doing ok. I'm alright I think. But I'm having one of my off days. Last night I kept the TV on again for company, tossing and turning. Today I woke up feeling like garbage.
  27. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    20 November 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee,

    Don't apologise - the forums are only here for when you want to share. I'm glad to hear you're keeping yourself busy.

    That's awful that you were disconnected while talking to a counsellor.. Perhaps it had cut out halfway. Regardless of the circumstances, I imagine it would've been very hurtful and discouraging after making the decision to talk to someone on the phone. I wouldn't be surprised if you're hesitant to call again based on what you went through. Calling is a decision that takes a lot of willpower, and I'm really glad you did it. I'm sorry it didn't work out that time, but I hope that you can consider them an option when you feel you need them.

    You mentioned in an earlier post that you believe your doctor has lost patience with you because you weren't able to follow through with a mental health plan.. Are you comfortable sharing about that?

    I can see that you're in a lot of pain and everything is feeling like a chore. Again, please don't apologise for not responding.. We're here whenever you need us. I'm proud of you for taking things one day at a time.

    I hope today is looking better for you. <3

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