I've given up on trying to pass my classes for the second time. I was going to try getting at least 2 of them done but now its just 1 class. Its too late for me to try passing or catching up what I missed. I'm simply not learning from my mistakes, only just continuing to dig myself deeper and deeper.
I've just gotten more apathetic about everything. There isn't anything for me to look forward to or makes anything worth doing. I do not want to live life on autopilot but its the only way I can see myself living if I can't kill myself. I already know that life isn't worth stressing over everything and taking seriously. Its too short to waste on these things, but its also long enough to face the consequences of my mistakes. I'm going to have back problems from sitting down all day just from working all day in front of a screen just to make money so I don't die because its the only option i have. I don't have any ideas to start a business on my own and it won't magically come to me one day. I need to be putting all the effort into things when none of the outcomes are what I really want to do but have no choice.
I tried walking/running for a couple weeks to keep my mind off things but that only made me waste all day waiting to go walk/run. I'm starting to realise how trash my body is after years of inactivity. I'm not even running properly, keeping track of how long I run to see any improvement or anything. I don't really enjoy running but staying somewhat healthy will stop me from pain in the future.
Realised that the only way for me to change is by hitting rock bottom. Only when I HAVE to work, HAVE to make money, HAVE to do things to improve my situation or end up dead. Even though I know that there are things I can be doing to improve my situation, I won't do anything.
Started harming myself as a bad habit when things get difficult im so stupid. I know that I can't kill myself so I'm stuck in life. My self harm is visible, now need to stop before parents bring it up they probably noticed already.
I think I would rather end up starving dead in the streets homeless, when there isn't any other options for me and I can accept everything being my own fault and there would be nothing i can do.
I don't know what I need anymore. I haven't even tried as much as I could have and now complaining again i dont have any right to complain.