Topic: 10 year old daughter suffering debilitating anxiety.. how can I help her?

Hi,

My daughter started showing signs of ASD and ADHD about 3 years ago and it's taken this long to get to the stage where she can start assessment (thanks to covid, and the lack of mental health services where we live). She didn't really show many signs of anxiety until covid/home schooling, but kids here got back to school fairly quickly and she seemed to be doing OK. In the last week of school last year she suddenly flat out refused to go. We let her stay home, figuring it would pass. But it's only getting worse.

Some days she's relatively OK and will go out and do things (visit people, do outdoor/organised activities) but most of the time she just wants to stay in her bedroom. Mornings are the worst - she sometimes gets so stressed she'll vomit, especially when she knows there's something she has to do that day. Today and tomorrow she's booked for ASD/ADHD assessments and she has vomited multiple times, is in tears, refusing to leave her bed... We've talked with her repeatedly about the purpose of the assessments, and I don't think it's the actual tests she's scared about but leaving the house/going to the psych's office - in a previous assessment just before xmas she was so anxious she vomited and now associates going to the psych with vomiting.

She skipped Christmas lunch at her grandparents', her sister's birthday party yesterday, all the holiday care we'd booked her into, and more. Yet she enjoys having friends and family come to visit. She says she just wants a "chill day" every day, or that she "feels too sick" to go anywhere (and uses the stress-vomiting to validate that). As I said, we've told her the assessments are non-negotiable and have been gentle but firm that she's going. But at this point, I don't know if having to bodily carry her to the car is going to be totally counter-productive, or if it's more counter-productive to let her off doing anything. School starts back in 2 weeks and I'm very anxious myself about how that's going to go.

We're doing deep breathing, weighted blankets, going for walks, reading, devices when we're at our wits' end, stress balls, Bachs rescue remedy, talking... If anyone has any strategies we haven't tried, especially advice on when to insist she goes somewhere, I'd love to hear them.

Thank you.

Hi leeloodallas,

This sounds like a difficult situation for you all, if your daughter feels safest in her room. is there some way she can take some of her room with her, like a safety blanket type scenario?

Starting with having something like a specific hoodie/shirt/beanie baby that is in hers and in her room that she can take outside and just sit with. Sitting in the front yard for a little while with 'the world' going past and then going back inside for a bit, having lunch on the front porch as a normal thing on the weekend etc.

Working up to going to the letter box, then down the street to the corner (where you can still see the house from) and walking back. It would be time consuming to do but it might help you get an idea of what her 'safe range' is from home and help her acclimatise to some of the world outside of her room.

Also, is there any way that the assessments could be done at your home, or that the person who would be doing the assessments can video chat with you and therefore meet her before she leaves the house so she isn't going to the unknown, she is going somewhere that is somewhat familiar?

Regards,

Helarctus

Hi leeloodallas,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out - your daughter is very lucky to have you; it can be so hard and yet I'm grateful for the energy and effort you are making in being here.

Given that the tests are today/tomorrow I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but feel free to let us know how she's getting on. It's really good that both of you were able to identify that it's not so much going to the psych, but the vomiting that's fearful. Have you worked out what might be the reason to not go outside or avoid all of the family visits? Something that she's afraid of, overwhelmed by?

I think the key is finding out where the reluctance is coming from, often with anxiety it can be a fear of the future (i'll vomit when I go to the psych), or with ASD it can even be sensory related (too loud). I completely agree with you of the importance of the assessments and seeing a psych- I think it's one of those short term pain long term gain situations. Is the psychologist doing the assessment one the same one she's seen before, or seeing again?

Given that you're probably both out and about today, is there something you can do at the same time as your assessment? Maybe this can be a reward for going out, but also showing that things can be different from last time.

I also encourage you to get in touch with the school if you haven't already; whether that's with a school counsellors, teachers or principal - just to give her a bit of extra support. They will also have experience with other students not wanting to attend, so can hopefully give advice on that too (like starting with quarter/half days).

Hope this helps

rt