Topic: 6 Things I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD

Hi there,

My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered major anxiety and PTSD. Her past was not a pretty one, at all. However she as a bright as the sun and covered up her scars well. Over the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in.

I feel I am not the only one out there who has dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that message and honest advice cn help anyone else out there who has met similar circumstances.

1) Don't take things personal - Over time I learnt not to look through my eyes, but hers. It the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her upset?' The reality was her reactions were not a reflection of me, but of her past and what she had endured.

2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take charge and plan things. I also have no issues being affectionate and displaying that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be mindful of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you.

3) Give space - This was very difficult at the start. When you meet and start dating someone you like, the natural progression is to spend more
time together and see each other often. This wasn't the case with her and our relationship. They can get a feeling of being very overwhelmed and I picked up on this and had to learn to give space and take things slower than normal.

4) Research - My ex had endured being raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to do a
lot of research on rape and the side effects it can have on people. She knew I did a lot of researched and smiled when she first found out and thanked me.

5) Hot & Cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next she distanced herself and went quiet. Respect that this will happen and it's when your partner goes cold, you need respect that and not take it personal and give space without them making them feel bad.

6) Don't dig for the past - When I asked her, eye contact gone! We all have a past. Not everyone might be as open as you in sharing it.

I hope this helps you and thank you for reading.

Regards,

Raman.

Hi Raman

A remarkable informative post. You took the time to let all our readers know what its like to partner a sufferer and how to tackle the possible ossues that arise.

Thankyou

Tony WK

Thank you Tony.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and for the kind comments.

Regards,

Raman.

Hi RandR

Welcome to the forums

I agree with TonyWK about what a great thread topic/post you have made that will help so many readers and posters on the forums

I really hope you can stick around the forums RandR. You have not only had the experience with depression but you also have a sense of clarity and understanding with this illness as well.

What an inspirational thread!

my kind thoughts

Paul

Thanks for the kind words Paul.

Much appreciated.

Raman.

Dear Raman~

As a person that has suffered from PTSD I think everything you have said is spot-on. It is a pretty good summary of many of the things my wife had to go through while attempting to look after me. (She also had work, housework, looking after our child and more)

There's only a couple of things I'd like to add, if I may. (Though the actual number of symptoms can be much larger).

Firstly that a person with PTSD can be -at times - so disconnected from him/her self that they do not know how they feel, if they love, if they can. Fortunately or me this period was not overlong, though it came and went.

The second thing - and anybody reading your post will already have realized this - is that the carer has to have not only the strength to keep going long-term but also the faith in his/her self to overcome the impulse to self-blame and feel they are contribution to their partners ups and downs.

There is a reward at the end. As time went on I came to see my wife and was able more and more to offer back the love and care she had given me so freely.

Thank you for your post.

Croix

Thankyou Raman

your heart is a caring one to have posted the help you have today

(70% of the hits to the beyond Blue Forums are 'read only' which is fine) You have helped more people than you know Raman

Just to let you know I had chronic anxiety from 1983 to 1996 followed by depression for the next 21 years and know have quality of life back again (90% of it) through a great support network

Thanks to your heartfelt post our readers and posters will have greater hope Raman

I admire your strength and humility

my best

Paul

Hi Raman. I just wanted to thank you for your very kind and informative post about things to be aware of when dating someone who has experienced rape and who suffers ongoing anxiety and PTSD.

I am one of those people! And I really appreciate that there are people out there like you who care, and who can see past the symptoms and low points of those of us who endure the debilitating symptoms that come with PTSD as a result of rape.

It is common for survivors of sexual violence to experience many confusing feelings which create anxiety, anger, distrust and the feeling that they are not safe. Everyone's response to trauma is a little different, however I think that the overriding thing partners need to do, is to learn to be patient with them. The 6 points you mentioned in your opening post, all allude to the need for patience. All very true, in my own personal experience.

Raman, I commend you on your kind understanding and obvious patience during what would have been an emotionally difficult time for you. Its nice to see that there are still some good men out there! Well done you.

T xx

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad to hear things got better over time. Thank you for your response Croix

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your response and I'm so glad to hear you had a support network. Something I didn't have a lot of at the time.

thanks again.

Hi T,

Means a lot for you to comment and hear from someone who endured what she did. Patience was most certainly key, in fact, a new kind of patience altogether.

Thanks for the kind comments and I hope you are well and definitely sound like a great person and strong one at that :)

Hi RandR,

I know its been years since you posted this, but I found it really helpful. Ive just recently met someone who has been diagnosed with ptsd. You stated in your post that the initial stages were difficult and slow and at times you tried to figure out what you did wrong. Im going through the same thing at the moment. Had over a week of silence and im struggling to figure out how to handle the situation. I am very tempted to reach out and send a message, but I get the impression that isn't a good idea as this you state they should come to you when they are ready. My question is, how long could this be especially in the dating phase where a relationship hasn't been established. Do you have any advice for how I should handle this?

I'm going through the same thing. I plan to just igve her a week or two before i contact her again... without confront her, just telling her that i worry about her and hope she's doing ok. And if i did anything to annoy her, i apologize

Dear MikeySe~

Welcome here, by the sound of it you are at a loss as to what to do, which is only natural, it is not a usual situation.

Because I don't know the circumstances I can't really make any specific suggestions. All I can do is say about my own expereince

I had PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, I still do but they are very much less and a I lead a pretty good life.

When things first got bad my partner took it all on herself, believing she was the cause, or at fault. This simply was not the case, and she had to have that explained to her by my psych, after which she had more confidence.

I notice you mentioned apologizing, I'd be surprised if you had done anything.

Sender her a message is good. Even though my partner's inquiries did annoy me at the time the fact she was there for me was a long term comfort. So saying you are there for her will do no harm and may do some good. See what her reaction is.

I guess the most productive thing that can happen if your friend has PTSD is for her to receive competent specialist medical support. I simply kept getting worse until that happened.

I don't know if that is already happening, or if not if you are in a position to suggest this. It may be that there might be others, her parents for example, who might be in a better position to persuade her.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Thank you for the message Croix. I just have a feeling she has her guard so high up that im afraid she'll never truly let me in and just keep me at arms length. It can be demoralizing sometimes but i certainly dont want to take it out on her as i believe her intentions aren't bad

I don't know if anyone will see this, but im having a few drinks and thinking about that girl i've been speaking about. The problem is, boy does she make me feel insignificant.

A month later. I'm thinking about just giving up. This is so hard

Dear MikeySe~

First off my apologies, I was away for a bit in February and did not read your post. I try to put up a 'Gone fishing -back in a while' avatar up instead of my portrait :) when I'm not here.

Do you think drinking and brooding is going to do any good? I don't drink much as I take too many meds, however when my friends do they tend to magnify their troubles, focus on just the one thing.

The fact you have not had a positive response is in all probability nothing to do with you, but her condition. You are probably right, you see things as barriers, I at the time would have not been putting up barriers, just too mentally stretched to be able to cope with someone else and ignored them. I needed to be by myself.

Mind you that's not such a good idea, medical and personal support is what is needed - plus time.

Now we come to the bit that is worrying me, your said "I'm thinking about just giving up. This is so hard". did you mean you were thinking of giving up trying to contact this girl? Or had the whole situation gotten you so down you were thinking of taking your life?

Sorry, but I feel I ought to ask, for many relationships are he big thing in their lives.

I hope you come back and talk more

Croix

Hey Croix, what a classy message! Thanks for that. I am in no way suicidal, so you can ease your mind on that :) I appreciate the concern though.

This girl tells me the people in my life are blessed to have me, then i don't hear from her for like two weeks. It's one step forward, five steps back and i just feel like im embarrassing myself the more i contact her

Hello everyone, I am really hoping you can help. Mid November I met a person who I had a immediate connection. So many things in common it is mind blowing. I knew this person when I met was suffering mental health issues. Naturally they suffer with anxiety, however add PTSD on top of that. The PTSD came about from a severe attack interstate in 2019, and no support from “friends” at the time. They returned to Adelaide to love permanently and put their trust into a person and have a relationship with them. However November 2020, it came out that their partner had been cheating on them for a great part of their relationship. Then I came along, I am very caring and extremely aware of all things that make people who they are. They really opened up to me with some very deep chats, which I felt so honoured, we agreed to explore the possibilities of a relationship as we both had a lot of things in common, felt comfortable around each other and talking to each other. However not to long into meeting about 4 weeks I received a sms saying they needed time and space away from me and need to heal themselves alone. This was very out of the blue as things were progressing. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard a thing, I was accused of being intense and intrusive, which neither I am. This is not good for my own anxiety levels as I do very much care deeply for them. I have read so many forums and read my “My mental health First Aid book” and am feeling very deflated. Daily I think of this person and can really feel their struggle. Was it to soon and I should let it go, or should I find all the patience I have to wait? I believe they have just started seeing a psychologist who deals with PTSD. I truely want to send them a “thinking of you, I am there for you” message but am very uncertain, as I don’t want to upset or exacerbate their condition. Please help.

Hi CJM,

I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. It sounds like you really do care for this person and are concerned about her. I think sending her a message to say you are thinking about her, would be a nice gesture. It is not asking anything of her, just letting her know you care...I think you just have to not expect any response if she is still trying to deal with things on her own. But at least she will know that someone cares.

I'd also like to thank you for reigniting this thread. It has some very useful information for carers. And once again I find Croix's words to be so insightful, and full of hope.
The second thing - and anybody reading your post will already have realized this - is that the carer has to have not only the strength to keep going long-term but also the faith in his/her self to overcome the impulse to self-blame and feel they are contribution to their partners ups and downs.
There is a reward at the end. As time went on I came to see my wife and was able more and more to offer back the love and care she had given me so freely.

Thanks once again.

Hi again CJM,

I just reread your post. I realised that you did not refer to this person as 'him' or 'her' and I am not sure why I made the assumption that this person is female. So I would just like to say sorry for the assumption.