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Topic: BPD son in prison, I’m over it

  1. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    3 March 2021
    My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
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    4 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, I'm sorry your thread has been missed but this can happen when the site is busy and threads may get pushed onto another page are overlooked.

    Why you don't know the reason for his arrest must be very traumatic for you and you might not be able to find out until he faces court, so are you able to take someone with you because this is where you will need support if that's possible.

    How you are thinking has no shame at all, at the moment you actually don't know what he's been up to and whether you could trust him ever again or believe what he has to say.

    Please be careful and be sure to take care of yourself, that's important to know that you're not responsible for what he has done, even though how you are feeling.

    Let us know what's happening if that's what you want to do.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    4 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    I rung the prison today to see if I could visit him. I can. I’m going to give myself till the weekend of the 13/14th and then I can see him for an hour. I don’t know if I want to know what he’s done. I’ve booked an appointment next Tuesday with a counsellor to see if I can sort through the thoughts in my head. I was so supportive of him last time and tried so hard to help him. I really don’t know if I can go through it all again.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    4 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Hi welcome

    I'm glad you've written in Sunflower. Geoff has reply astutely as usual.

    It's 42 years ago when I worked in a notorious maximum security jail for a few years. I've also worked in minor law enforcement, investigations and security.

    I observed family members of inmates visit their relative even though they committed heinous crimes....for many years.

    Can I make the following comments-

    1/ That you might have to wait until he is ready to live a jail free and crime free life.

    2/ Any pressure from others could have a negative effect e.g. he could have huge regrets already or is struggling to cope with mental health issues including fear, anxiety and depression

    3/ if you can, lower the worry factor
    Google
    Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

    4/ discount any lingering guilt you have. Jails are full of prisoners with parents that did nothing untoward in raising their child.
    Google
    Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    5/ As a father years ago and seeing my kids every second weekend, I had that hollow feeling in between. I had to pack my life with activities to lessen my grief and hurt.

    Regards Tony
    4 people found this helpful
  5. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    4 March 2021 in reply to white knight

    Thank you for your words. I believe my son may have committed one of the most abhorrent crimes, a crime that brings out the worst responses in people. The first time I sincerely believed him when he told me he was innocent. I couldn’t reconcile the man I knew with what was being alleged and I guess I wanted to believe him because the alternative was unbearable. He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
    I’m tired. Tired of giving to him and getting lies and stress in return. He is almost 40 and has nothing to show for his life. I have wondered if jail is a choice because when he is in there he doesn’t have to make decisions. He gets told what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
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    5 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, it must be very disconcerting not to know what excuse or the reason why he's been arrested, so please brace yourself for the worse possible outcome, that way you won't be too shocked, and I say this with the greatest respect because if he is lying it's not going to be sustainable for your own health, so it's what you are to believe or your own instincts that will put you in an awkward position.

    What he says will be to try and be an honest confession and not what he's been charged with, and only the truth you will know when he's actually in court.

    Love has an enormous way of keeping us tied to the people who upset us, but loyalty is completely different and can be confusing as it involves the trust to believe him or not and whether you allow him to take control.

    I'm really sorry and if you can, please keep in touch with us.

    Geoff.

  7. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    5 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    I think a part of me is grieving the loss of my relationship with my son. I remember the bright happy 14 year old boy who had such big dreams. But even then I knew there was something not quite “right” with him. This is not the first incident involving him. Just the most serious. I’m almost 60 now and I need to think of me and my life. I have a supportive husband (not his father) who has said he will support whatever decision I make. He is more concerned about my health and well-being. Ultimately I will know the path I need to take when I see him.
    2 people found this helpful
  8. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    5 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Hi again

    I'm glad Geoff has got you to reply again e.g.

    "I think a part of me is grieving the loss of my relationship with my son."

    I have 2 daughter's. The eldest 31, I'm close to, has my personality and even my illnesses. My youngest 27, is like her mother, narcissistic, revengeful and cruel.

    At 14yo she rang me and said "I don't want to see you anymore". No reason, no answers, nothing. From then on up till 2 years ago every 2 years or so she'd return to my life...for about 2 weeks then vanish. Facebook her only chosen means to communicate- why? So she could block me.

    In short she stuffed out more and more of my love for her. 2 years ago was the last time, then when I knew she was going away again I blocked her- I'd had enough.

    Do what you need to do.

    Save yourself.

    Live a fruitful happy life. Stay busy.

    TonyWK
    2 people found this helpful
  9. geoff
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    15298 posts
    6 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, I feel so sorry for you and Tony, and to lose any relationship with our kids is certainly not what we would have expected when you announce your pregnancy, you as well as everyone couldn't be happier for you, but it's impossible to know what's going to happen in 20 years time because all our aim was to provide for them, but as soon as they mature, they take their own path, a direction we may never agree with.

    Sometimes these situations are easy to overcome, but other times they break our heart and are often very difficult to cope with and certainly a great shock to our system, so once this affects you either mentally and/or physically it's time to get the help you require because the questions you ask yourself aren't going to be answered honestly with an open mind.

    When you do have the chance to see him, you wish and definitely want to believe what he says, but rely on your instincts because your health is so important and you will know how you will need to handle this situation, have trust in your own opinion.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    4 people found this helpful
  10. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    8 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    Well an uneasy weekend for me. I just keep going over stuff in my head. Asking myself if there was something I should or should not have done, did I miss something, could I have done things differently. Wrestling with my feelings for him. Have I been enabling him. Do I need to take a step back and accept that the consequences will be what they will be (not that I have a lot of choice). The choice for me is how much do I continue to play a part in his life?
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    I visited my son today. It was heartbreaking. He said he’ll probably plead guilty and get 4 years. He said he knows he did it but doesn’t remember as he had been drinking and taken drugs (prescription). He feels he has nothing left. I’ve said to him we need to just let it play out. We can’t make any decisions until we have more information.
  12. geoff
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    15 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, it's an awkward situation for you now, not knowing whether or not to believe what has actually happened, and why, then what are your next moves, and leaves you in a quandary as what you are going to do now and in fours time.

    The unfortunate point is that he knows he did it but doesn’t remember as he had been drinking and taken drugs (prescription), is something you have to unravel, but in all fairness, you won't know the truth until it goes to court and trying to make 'assumptions' is something you should try not to do, (that's why I don't like using that word).

    When I used to wake up during the night thinking about what I need to do or should have done but didn't, I have to stop thinking that way, simply because nothing can be done until tomorrow, I'm only causing unnecessary worry for myself.

    I hope you can feel a little better.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    Sigh...I’m waiting for a phone call to tell me he is in hospital after an attempt. I know he is being monitored but I also know he is very adept at masking. He is in a world of pain and has been for a long time. I have tried my best to help him but I can’t be there 24/7. He told me he doesn’t think he should live on his own, that if he was still living with me this probably wouldn’t have happened. Emotional manipulation I know. Sometimes the emotional pain is unbearable.
  14. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5926 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Hey Sunflower62,

    Thanks for dropping by tonight. We can hear that your son's current mental state has you feeling very upset and stressed. We acknowledge how difficult a position you're in. Please remember that our community is here to support you, so please let us know if there is anything you need in particular.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
     
  15. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    I just reread my post and understand your concern. He is in the high risk unit being monitored. They are aware of his past attempts. I just feel it’s only a matter of time before he tries again and I have told them this.
  16. geoff
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    17 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, I know of your concern and very sorry for you and realise that what has just happened creates another enormous problem you have to try and cope with, one you had only wished it wasn't something else to contend with.

    It's good you've told the hospital this isn't the first time he had tried, they are then in a position to handle this with extreme care, knowing that he still has to face court and will keep a close watch on him, that's why it wouldn't be appropriate for him to live with you, first, he has to see if he has been sentenced to any gaol time, where he will need to be monitored about his safety.

    I can't say or tell you what to do, but if he lived with you, the entire situation for you would put you in a state worst off than what you are now, it would be unwise, simply because you aren't sure what he will want or what may happen, that's certainly not good for your own health.

    The court will be informed of his current situation, let them decide what's best to do for your son, at the moment you can't do anything, I'm sad to say, but please can you get back to us.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  17. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    22 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    I’ve made another appt to see my counsellor. I haven’t heard from my son or anyone about what’s happening. I know I need to patient and I have to wait for the system to catch up. I’m slowly working through the detritus of his life that is left of his life. The maxed credit cards, finance on the car, doing a lease break. It’s very tiring. I’m grateful that I have a supportive partner but I can’t share all my thoughts with him. I have to put aside the hopes that I had for my son and face the reality of who he really is, however unpalatable that may be. I don’t know what his future holds. I can’t think that far ahead. My relationship with my partner foundered the first time this happened but I won’t let it this time. My son asked me if I still love him? I said yes, but I didn’t like him very much.
  18. geoff
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    23 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Hello Sunflower, I don't think you will be told much at the moment because it still has to go through the legal system so no one will actually know.

    Your partner is there to offer you support and to verbalise exactly what you are worried about can be difficult to have them on the same page as you are on, although trying to get them to accept it.

    I understand that with your son you may still love him but don't care for him for several reasons which is a feeling you could talk to your counsellor about but happy to hear back from you at anytime you want to

    Geoff
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    23 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    I found out this morning what it is alleged that he has done. It was reported in an online newspaper. No names mentioned. He is much much sicker than I realised. As a mother I can’t help wonder at how I didn’t see it and was it something I did wrong? He is in so much psychological and emotional pain, he no longer has a life and rebuilding it is going to be very difficult. I really want to close the door on all this and just walk away. I can’t tell anyone the truth.
  20. white knight
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    9214 posts
    23 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi again, thanks for the update.

    Let's look at this in terms of cutting him out of your life. I'll use my own situation although quite different but effectively I've lost a child.

    She's now 28yo. My second of two daughters, my eldest I'm close to. Their mother I left when the girls were7 and 4 yo. So bad was her narcissistic behaviour I made an attempt on my life. Saved myself and left her one week later. I continued to see the children for weekends. My eldest came to live with me at 12yo. My youngest at 14yo rang me and said chilling words "I dont want to see you anymore". I questioned her a lot to find out the reason but no reason came just silence- mirroring her mothers actions. In fact she was a copy of her mother but I tried to treat her as an individual.

    My daughter would then about every 2 years come into my life then 2 weeks later leave it- just like that! It was as if she was digging for information on my, my success and sometimes she wanted money of which she never got.

    Two years ago we were travelling around on a caravan trip and again she contacted me (always on facebook so she could block me at her will and wouldnt give me her address nor phone number). We talked great for 10 days then- gone again. Again I was hurt, as my second wife had listened in on the calls she told me I'd done nothing wrong, that it was a game she played. My wife was actually her favourite auntie by marriage most of her childhood and knew her and her mother very well. So I asked myself- "how long will I be playing this game? its been going on for 12 years...when do I stop it forever?"

    So I did. I blocked her from facebook and decided not to communicate at all. I also decided that if she found my new address and she approached, I'd invite her in for a talk but I would be very firm and distant. The reason I'd talk with her is for my benefit that I could live with myself better not turning her away.

    How does this relate to you? Well, you need to, under the circumstances, preserve yourself, your own life and do what you can manage- whatever that might be.

    I've had the comments from others- "but she's your daughter". That doesnt give her immunity. She does not have my interest at heart 1%. She has no interest in my love I give her nor my efforts in other ways. I also paid $15,000 over and above child support to give her a brand new smile with jaw operations.

    It's angels like my youngest daughter that I can do without.

    I hope that helps. I hope you smile again

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  21. ecomama
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    23 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello again Sunflower, this is a very distressing time for you.

    You have a lot of stress dealing with not only your son's actions but also the financial fallout.

    It's ALL new and you've been "blindsided" by it all, I think?
    You mentioned "the last time" but not sure what you're referring to.

    It's all crumbling down on you atm and there's only so much you can process right now.

    For one, you don't have to make any huge decisions about whether you'll walk away or not.. you can or you don't have to.
    That decision doesn't have to be made right now.

    If you ARE staying "in it" just for tomorrow.
    You can get a big Scrapbook and put the immediate things in the front of it.
    The "soon" things in the middle.
    And the "to deal with later" things at the end. (This would include your worries about son rebuilding his life.... that's a later thing).

    This may help you compartmentalise what you feel you NEED to do now.
    And what can be put off.

    I really encourage you to phone 1800RESPECT.
    Those awful questions you're asking yourself and blaming yourself about, need to be aired with a professional who can help you feel better, is possible.

    Not only are you dealing with your OWN trauma at the shocking news of all of this (and the ways you're finding out!) but you're trying to deal with what son is going through also.
    A double whammy.
    Possibly more.

    I cannot fathom your experiences right now, I'm so sorry this has happened and that son has brought this all upon you too.

    Please take some time each day to care for yourself in a nurturing way.

    Many Blessings
    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  22. geoff
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    24 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Hello Sunflower, we are deeply sorry for what you are trying to deal with, but a parent isn't responsible and doesn't necessarily have to take on any liability for what their kids have done.

    You still love him but don't care for him, especially about what he's done, but this isn't your fault, he's now an adult and has to suffer the consequences and he needs to realise that he may also require help for his condition.

    I can't say what you should do but help for yourself is probably your best option and once our kids become adults they have their own choices to make, irrespective of how their parents want them to do.

    Please take care.

    Geoff.
    4 people found this helpful
  23. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to ecomama
    Thank you EM. When I say the other time this is the second time that he has been charged. He served time the first time. The big difference is that he told me he didn’t do it and I believed him so I supported him. He has now done it a second time so I now no longer know what the truth is. He will likely serve time for the current one as well as having to finish the first one because he was released early. I have a second session booked with a counsellor. It’s all over Facebook. I can only take one day at a time and do what I can do.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony, I hear you. My sons father was very manipulative and he is no longer in either of our lives. My son has borderline personality disorder but he knows the difference between right and wrong. I supported him the first time round because I believed his innocence. I don’t anymore and as hard as it is to reconcile the person that I thought I knew with what he has done I hav3 realised the truth. I’ll just take one day at a time for the moment.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. white knight
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    9214 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    With all the views here and your own intuition you'll find the right path to go.

    You are proactive getting counseling.

    Geoff is spot on, you aren't responsible.

    I wouldn't worry about Facebook or local gossip. People know you did nothing wrong.

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful
  26. ecomama
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    24 March 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    Sorry for making you repeat that, I saw it in your initial post afterwards, but couldn't edit my post, so I'm sorry.

    No one would want to believe their own child has committed a crime.

    I can see you're beginning to accept that you son has been lying to you for his own reasons.
    Seldom would a person guilty of a crime admit they did it anyway.

    It really is a case of your son knowing right and wrong as you said.
    He's an adult and has made multiple decisions that led him to where he is now.

    It's really all on him and it's not a fair thing that you are also burdened with any of it.

    I Hope you can find some peace and in some ways detach from the responsibility of his decisions.

    I wish you peace
    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to ecomama
    I’m spending my Easter dismantling my sons life. Organising the lease break, selling his stuff, sorting through the detritus of his life that represents the last 18 months of his life. The more I see the more I realise how much my son hid from me and still hides from me. I understand why but he made his choices and now has to deal with the consequences. I can’t live his life for him.
    4 people found this helpful
  28. white knight
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    3 April 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    In terms of your own child perspective is so important. You're getting a good solid perspective.

    TonyWK
    2 people found this helpful
  29. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to white knight
    Thank you Tony. It’s not I wanted for my son. I his mental health has played a role but at the end of the day he made a choice, and that choice hurt someone else. I can’t and won’t support that choice. I can’t tell him that yet because he is still hiding behind a cloud of lies. I don’t know if he will ever be able to face his own truth of who he is.
    2 people found this helpful
  30. geoff
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    4 April 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, can I agree with Tony, 'You're getting a good solid perspective', and although it's a very difficult position for you to be in, you can never be sure exactly what happened and won't be told by him, only the court details will inform you.

    You are being so brave but take your time, you don't have to rush this and believe what you're told in the court hearings because you may find it so difficult to believe what your son has to say, especially if there's proof from circumstantial evidence then getting rid of his belongings will help you be able to move forward.

    We know it's not pleasant but all you need are family, friends who love you and you can definitely trust.

    Have a good Easter and lease let us know how you're feeling and/or getting on.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful

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