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by Baz00
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Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

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by Bexie
1 day and 21 hours ago

Topic: BPD son in prison, I’m over it

  1. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff,

    Very useful. Thankyou … and some good to keep for future reference.

    Just a quick reply … will check in again soon

    Nameless 1

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, I hope so, good luck.

    My best.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Geoff, Just an update. The lawyer hoped for a CCO and release and our son put his hopes on that , but the magistrate decided that he should have a longer sentence but with a decent length parole which means he still has a few more months to go before coming home which he has been looking forward too.

    !Our son was disappointed as he wanted to come home now. We would like him home but we just wanted, that either way, he would get help for his issues whatever the conditions of his release, and that he was ready to make the changes and be committed to putting in the effort . I’m not sure which is better, but the lawyer said on parole there are things he will have to do to an spade of that will be appointments etc sonI know either way our son will be challenged on what changes are needed . Although he knew the possibilities he unfortunately had focussed on the desired outcome rather than what the magistrate could actually handout. The magistrate believed in the general deterrence factor of his sentence as well.

    I’m not sure how many days are accrued as benefit days or emergency or something like that …days that take time off the sentence because of COVID? we were told about that and our son wasn’t sure.
    im

    ot sure how hard it is to get parole … he has been trying hard to keep his head down and away from

    teouble and do his course, work etc I’m hoping that he can get access to a few more transitional courses as well as keep doing his work and other course and gym.
    I hope that his disappointment won’t make him stop doing those things that were helping. For us, the extra time will go quickly but for him probably slower. . Much better doing something than just sitting around.
    COVID lockdowns over the last year and a bit have been hard for visiting
    . Our lawyer tried to get us a link for the court case but one wasn’t so we didn’t even get to be there with him in court which we are very sad about.

    This forum has been so valuable in encouraging me. You must have have experience in this area somehow to be so supportive .

    Thankyou

    Nameless1

  4. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, I'm sorry that he's not allowed to come home, magistrates change so much, some are softer than another and if the lawyer knows who is going to magistrate they will try and defer the case, but this might not happen when someone is already locked up, it must be disappointing for all of you.

    You do hear that some sentences are reduced because of COVID but this depends on the charge, hopefully, he will eventually realise the more work he does in regards to the course etc the quicker the time will pass and the more he learns, this will make the time pass quickly for him and is a way that forces him to study, whereas if he's out he may easily get distracted, in a good way.

    It must have been extremely disappointing not to have a link to the court case, but in some way, there may be information heard that could shock you unnecessarily, so in one way it may be good and the other concerning.

    I don't have any experience at all, although I had two brothers in laws as solicitors and a nephew who is also one, the BIL's I haven't seen for a long time and actually one borrowed a large amount of money off my ex and myself years ago, which has never been paid back and done the same to other people, he has been bankrupted twice and debarred, but I don't have any qualifications at all.

    Please keep me informed whenever you want to, I'm really happy to reply.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff,

    The lawyer went through the court proceedings with us in a lot of detail. He has been great at communicating with us all along. It could have been worse . Lawyer managed to keep the case in the magistrates court and not county court. The sentence was in the parameters of what he considered reasonable though. You are right. Some things could have been confronting to hear.

    We will just keep busy too. We saw our counsellor and talked things through, my husband and I have done projects around the house that need doing amd hopefully our son will plan some things to himself keep busy amd prepare himself.
    I need to read up more about parole and talk to the lawyer again about it. He will go through with our son what he needs to do to s as poly for parole .we are hoping he stays where he is for the next few months… they have sentenced prisoners as well as remand. and with COVID lockdowns I would think they would keep him there.

    Thanks for listening and being encouraging

    Nameless1

  6. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,
    Well I think the hanging out for all the events of this last week is taking its toll.
    I’m irritable and grumpy and. not sleeping well. I was worried about him if he came home, and now I am worrried he is not for a little while yet as I don’t how he will deal with the change from remand to sentence and getting parole. I know what to say to myself tobb now irk through this as it is how I battled before, but the emotions are a little raw and it is easier to give in to them.
    Made worse that my gym is closed. Though I can and do exercise at home I liked the trainer and her positivity towards the work I am putting in.
    I usually garden and walk but it has been very wet here for most of the time. Can’t see my grandson due to lockdown so that lovely distraction is gone. I will doing some online work which will keep me busy with music and composing snd the kids are entertaining g … and we still have our counselling session.
    My husband and I have been a bit niggly with each other too which isn’t normal so we did discuss that today. Wonderfully though I have had heaps of calls from people I haven’t heard from for a while, and as long as they don’t prod past the general “ how is your son doing”I will be fine.

    Most know about the PTSD and know not to ask too much about my sons issues apart from knowing he is struggling but getting help but living away from home, has some work and study and likes going to the gym. They don’t need yo know where he is doing all that. He doesn’t want us to say and we won’t. Only our counsellor and ministers from church and one very close friend of his does. COVID makes that easier and he is at the age that lots of young adults live out and don’t see family much.
    Life can certainly be challenging!!

    All we can do is let it make us stronger and use it to help others struggling

    Nameless 1

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, I see you are participating in another thread which is great, and what you and your husband are being niggly about, is only circumstantial, nobody knows what's going to happen when he's released, we always hope the best will be the case, but you can't judge what his parole is going to entail and how he's going to handle it, you can only hope he is so pleased to be free.

    You're right, nobody needs to know anything about him because once someone knows, they tell someone else and say, 'don't tell anybody but ************', then rumours start, you don't need that to begin, otherwise it all ends up a complete mess, that's not fair on you, nor your son, especially when people you haven't heard from for a long time, all of a sudden ring you up and want to know everything, just tell them 'you don't know'.

    Doing any exercise at home is not the same as going to the gym, you meet different people, do extra exercises and enjoy the surroundings, whereas at home it's not the same and may not complete them satisfactorily.

    You might be able to watch an exercise program on TV, maybe Netflix if you have it, this is cheap for a monthly conscription and has no ads, or perhaps someone else has paid for it and you can use it for free, I have it and both my sons can watch it for zilch and my two little granddaughters can watch the cartoons.

    Life is always challenging, it just depends on how we are able to cope with it, so please look after yourself and take care.

    My thoughts.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thanks for your supportive comments!! Good idea about the Netflix. I had gone to s special gym due to any injury but as it’s ok now, that would be good !! Hadn’t thought of that … and we have Netflix already.

    I went on 3 threads as they were very active when I joined. You have been great in supporting me and give good advice here and I will continue on here if that is okay . I’m not sure how it goes with who you reply and what the threads you go on.to No one else with family in prison comments so I went to another thread I had read. Croix replies there and he gives advice from an ex police out of view and so that is good too and again very supportive, but again no one with family in prison responds to that. The third thread was a man who was involved in the prison area of things but has been helpful and now some others are active again who have siblings in prison.
    inoresume it is okay to be on multiple threads?

    We are feeling a bit better this week as the weather is better so we can go out side to garden. Still need to write to our son to encourage him as he hasn’t contacted us again. Lawyer was going to contact us again after he spoke to him again to let us know what is happening.

    Many thanks,

    Nameless 1

  9. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, sorry I haven't got back to you, but I certainly will, I've just been involved in other important matters away from the forums, and will reply shortly.

    I just wanted to let you know and I'm sorry.

    My best.

    Geoff.

  10. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, I'm really pleased that other threads interest you, especially when it comes to a similar situation and other people may have different views and that's always a positive outcome as they have other types of experience.

    When you have an injury it's only compounded to make you feel worse when you are in a situation like this, I'm so sorry.

    Your son must be so despondent and understand why he hasn't the strength to write, he's probably not sure what to say because it's not going to alter his case, he deserves your love and compassion, sometimes we're just caught up in doing something that one day we know we shouldn't have, but the blame can be too harsh, that's when it's not fair.

    I am so very sorry as you probably have been waiting for me to reply, my apologies.

    My best thoughts.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    I hope all is okay with your other matters. I know you can’t always reply straight away and I do appreciate your time and comments.


    The people that were going through similar things on the one thread don’t often reply and haven’t for a while again, which is a shame as it would be good to hear there comments more. The other comments are still very valuable and supportive and give advice from having been involved in the police and prison systems or other hardships of their own .

    We
    have written regularly to our son and we wrote again during the week We encourage him to ring or write when he feels up to it and we remind him we love him and will always love him no matter what. We ask him what he would like to hear about and if me needs anything etc . We tell him we are proud of his attitude towards learning and working and going to gym etc. . We tell him what we are doing.

    We understand all the issues he has gone through and have tried to help him not blame him.

    Other things we read about prison and from the police when they came here implied that we weren’t tough enough and enabled him to keep going in his activities . We still feel the sting of the comments they made to us when they came. Covid made it difficult to get the help he needed and to go to rehab like has been planned with all the problems ma y others were facing. He couldn’t work and was struggling. He was improving and making changes. We still feel guilty that maybe if we had somehow done things differently we wouldn’t have got to this. But we didn’t know all that was going on in his life … some of the time he didn’t live at home or was very private … good at putting on the face he wanted us to see…he was an adult. Anyway…Hindsight is a dangerous thing. We need to go forward from here and it back over things we can’t change . Better knowledge and more wisdom!!

    Thanks again for your time, and reminders, and advice and suggestions.

    Nameless1

    1 person found this helpful
  12. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, we always think back in life and believe that 'if' we did this or didn't allow that to happen, then circumstances would be different, may be, but everything was totally different back then, because theoretically, 1 + 1 = 2, but it's not as easy as that, there could be much you have to endure before this can happen, and the same when planning something else.

    Situations change as do people and from what he's been through while being locked up, just as what you and your husband have experienced, how you are going to react to different situations isn't necessarily going to be the same as years before, a different son will emerge out of lock up, and how you react to what may happen may catch you inexpediently, so it's how much grace you are prepared to allow him.

    I wish I could say that it's going to be easy and may be it might, I hope so for all of you.

    My best.

    Geoff.

  13. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    It is interesting you mention Grace. This word has come up a lot lately. The grace we are shown is the grace we must show others!!
    Same with forgiveness and compassion. You always think it will be easy to show grace. I believe in showing grace and forgiveness . It seemed easy …why wouldn’t you?…till a hard situation comes up and it is harder than you think. Showing grace but still setting boundaries , showing forgiveness but not enabling bad behaviour, showing compassion but not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
    What will happen to his thinking after a prison sentence , who knows . I don’t know what it will be like and our son was always one for saying “we didn’t know what it was like “. But as you said , we have all changed and will react differently . Hopefully the time away from everything, and those he was involved with, and unhealthy habits has cleared his head and thinking and healed his body and mind and he will be in a good space to have a fresh start.
    He has learnt some new skills and hopefully will do the courses to transition back into community and family and work.
    We didn’t tidy his car stuff on his side of the garage in the end and there is gym equipment he wanted to set up a gym… wasn’t sure whether to leave that job for something for him to do or tidy it up so he
    can set up his gym. He may not even want to come home or be allowed to come home. .. depends on the conditions of parole. Still 4 months or more till that happens .

    Thanks for replying and helping us see things in a different light!!

    Nameless1

  14. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, we may be able to show grace to somebody else, but we don't know whether or not they will appreciate what we've said or find it somehow condescending, but we have done our best to ease a situation that could be difficult to approach, how they react is up to them, but you have a cleared head and the problem could be with them and unfortunately, how many times does this happen to any of us.

    If you tidy up his gym equipment and doing so in good faith, it may not be how he wanted it to be and may react negatively, which will disappoint you in trying to help, so if you say to him, 'we had thought about doing this for you but it might not be how you wanted it to be' is an excellent way to overcome this situation, and you're right he may not decide to come home, for the same reason people don't want to be asked about their depression on a continuous basis, he may feel the same and may not want to be asked, he will talk in his own time and secrets will evolve over time.

    His parole may be difficult for him to accept and sorry if it is, but all you want is for him to come home and feel the love you have for him.

    My best thoughts.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    Just an update I spoke to my son today …first time in a few weeks.,and he is remaining positive about the next few months and parole. He was happy to talk about what he was doing and what things were like . He got a good report due to involvement in work courses and attitude and is earning some money . He rang to let us know he was going okay . He said the sentenced area was different and actually people a bit more settled than in remand as they busy focussing on doing programmes and courses before release. He may move to another lower security area eventually if all goes well. We are very proud of the effort he is making !!

    Hope all is well with you

    Nsmeless 1

    2 people found this helpful
  16. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hello Nameless, I'm sorry I had replied but the site was under maintenance and it didn't go through, so I'll try and remember what I said, although it is confusing.

    I'm really pleased you have spoken to your son, that must have been such a relief for you as well as for him and it's good if he may be moved to a lower security, that will make him feel a little less controlled and positive for his ability to be able to think with a clear mind and relieve a bit of pressure on you and your husband.

    Just stay strong and disregard any unforeseen comments by those around you, we all make mistakes during our life and if we are grossly criticised and looked down upon, then that only makes your position to be lonely, that's not what I want, there is still much to look forward to and yes there will be some hiccups along the way, none of us are perfect by any extent, and what we think is right, somebody else will disagree, but it's our decision and if these type of people are harassing you, then don't let them visit you.

    This is nothing like what I had previously type, I'm sorry, but try and stay strong.

    My best thoughts.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff

    Thanks for your reply and helpful comments!!

    Nameless 1

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Nameless one

    i haven’t visited this site for a while so I missed your initial comment. My son is still in remand and has been advised by his lawyer that he could be looking at 8 - 10 years…depending on the day and the judge. On a positive note at least when he is in jail I know where he is and that he is relatively safe. I guess nowadays I try not to think about it too much. There is not much I can do. Hope this finds you well. Sunflower

    1 person found this helpful
  19. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4534 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dear Sunflower

    Thanks for coming back in and checking in on your thread. Hugs!

    Yes indeed your strong, positive mindset is what will keep you afloat IMO during this extremely challenging time.

    Please remember that the 1800RESPECT Helpline is there for you too!
    I consider you a victim in this scenario, hopefully you understand that perspective as supportive and not offensive.

    Hey nameless1,

    It's fantastic that your son has entered some programs and is doing well.

    I 100% echo Geoff's wise words - not sure of the context but seems ppl are criticising you?

    Have you read "Its Not the Critic That Counts" by the AMAZING Teddy Roosevelt?
    (Brought to light AGAIN by the marvellous Brene Brown).

    You've both been PUSHED into this corner by actions and events NOT of your doing.

    I think you could all benefit from watching some Brene Brown YouTube clips / Ted Talks.
    She is a researcher on Courage, Vulnerability, Shame.

    She's also written lots of books. I have a few - hard reads but good if you've watched her work online.

    Books with the word "Imperfect" in the title lol just as Geoff said. No one's perfect and if they say they are then that's hogwash lol.
    "Imperfect Parenting" is one of Brene's books.

    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to ecomama
    The only way I have been able to cope is to think of him as being very mentally unwell and that his poor choices and decision making has come from a place of sickness. I guess now that the “blinkers” are off, I can see the reality he creates for himself. At the end of the day he knows what he did is wrong. He’ll be in his 40s by the time gets out.
  21. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi sunflower,

    Thanks for replying!! Does he have long to wait for his court hearing? It gets so dragged out doesn’t it!! It is hard for them waiting to know the the sentence, especially if it might be a longer time. It’s hard for you too Im sure as it was for us . We didn’t get to the AVL and we are still waiting for the audio which takes a few weeks after you fill in and put in a form to get approval and then wait to wait snd get it mailed to you, Our lawyer said he asked for a invite for us but we didn’t get one in the end. I just want to know what he had to go through and what was said.,, even though lawyer gave us a run down

    I think my son was actually glad to be out of remand and in the sentenced area as he said it is more relaxed snd everyone has something to do.., work etc and programmes and trying to be on good behaviour for favourable reports, lots of incentives to behave I guess However after letting know he was okay he has gone back to not contacting us again as he did before. However I am not so concerned this time. Last time he was busy with his study and work and gym and was okay. He was just not trying to think about home too much snd getting hopes us too much again. At home it’s hard here in lockdown being trapped in the house. Like a prison for most people these days isn’t it. And we can’t visit as it’s been in lockdown most of the time he has been there . He didn’t cope last year at home during Covid leading to arrest and I think contributed to it.
    I hope it all goes well for you leading up to hearing. I got very stressed just not knowing what would happen so found it good to keep as busy as possible.
    Speak again soon I hope

    nameless1

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    30 August 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Still waiting for the police to present their case. He has told me that he may plead guilty to some of the stuff but will depend what comes up. Until then we wait. He has not asked for bail for which I am very grateful. I don’t think I would be able to cope with him living with us. I really try not to think about it. I can’t change anything. He has made his choice.
    1 person found this helpful
  23. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    31 August 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    It takes so long. So he is still in remand then. How are you dealing with things at the moment ? I find it easier now court hearing is over and the sentence handed out, but their have been a few things that needed sorting out after, so then it makes you go over the last few years and feel sad and quite down. The hardest time used to be when the lawyer rang as he would fill us in with what things were up to in preparation for the hearing and what he and our son had decided and pass news on to us from our son.

    Then when we heard from
    our son particularly in the early days and knowing it was a struggle would make us anxious for days. The phone would ring and my heart would race. This was a whole new world we had never envisioned ans didn’t understand and we would have to learn to deal with. Legal jargon ans procedures that we struggled with. Criminals weren’t just on TV anymore and it changed how we felt about watching police shows, that’s for sure… I broke out in a sweat. When people mentioned prison and prisoners in derogatory ways it made me feel panicky.
    Now he is sentenced with a bit more of an idea of what is happening, it’s a bit different. We sort of feel a bit numb too… in this in between stage of not having to deal with the hearing anyway and him coming home straight away and knowing it will be at least a few more months and finding out from the parole board when he will be coming home. A bit of breathing space before the next lot of anxiety we will feel in dealing with him coming home.
    We have also had time to process the events leading up to all this.
    Most importantly we have learnt how to get back to living life and growing and changing so we can be better parents, and so we can reach out to others for through their own struggles. We have other family who need our love and support too in different ways, but just as much.
    We still haven’t told many people where he is … for his benefit and our ours because of the judgement of others but the few who know are very supportive .
    We heard from our son recently. He is working and doing a course and exercising and sounded pretty good and was chatty. He doesn’t ring much or say too much about his life in prison except for the basics. He seems ready to come home and get on with life and make positive changes which we hope he will be able to do.

    Take care

    Nameless1

  24. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    My son is likely to be imprisoned for a while. I worry about what will happen to him when he is released. Where he’ll go, what’ll he’ll do, what sort of future is left for him. I can’t think about it too much because I have no answers.
  25. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    27 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    just checking in to see how you are.

    The underlying worries are always there and it can make it worse thinking about things we have no answers for , I agree. Sometimes things come up that makes you have to think about things. Recently we finally got an audio recording of the hearing as were sent the link that we requested and that the lawyer organised. I felt it was important to have heard all that was said from the lawyer and my sons pint of view and to hear the views of the magistrate and prosecutor. Well it was very hard and I was very emotional and it has taken time to settle again… my husband said it was probably like scratching at a wound that had been healing. There are still things that need following up and I don’t want them hanging around still when he comes home with the stresses that will come from that. I too can become fearful with the unknowns. My life coach has been giving me some useful skills in managing that along with lots of prayer!!
    I hope you are dealing okay with the ups and downs of having a son in prison. I know there will always be that underlying feeling of worry and concern which I wish wasn’t there, but learning to cope with that has opened my eyes to what others have going on in their lives and has given me more compassion. Hating the idea of judgement from others has made me be careful not to be hasty in judging others. My husband and I have changed a lot from this experience. We fortunately have grown closer not apart!! My son normally won’t speak to my husband, not because of anything he has done, but just part of his whole package of issues. However the other day my son rang when I wasn’t home and my son was happy to speak to his dad finally!! My husband has worked with the counsellor .. we both have…on how to improve the relationship and better ways of saying and asking things. We have written emails together reminding our son of our love for him and our support and that’s all we can do. He could be out on parole in the next few months, but not sure . Depends on many factors
    Thinking of you .

    Nameless 1

  26. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Finally there will be an appearance in court (well by video link) in October. He has said he will probably plead guilty and hopes this will be acknowledged at sentencing. His lawyer has said it maybe 5+ years. At the end of the day I have to get on with my life. He made his choice and there is nothing I can do to change it. He is a lot mentally sicker than I realised. I hope things work out for your son and that he is able to turn his life around. Take care 💗
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    98 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62.
    I’m glad there is a date. That is the biggest hurdle. I was told that it is better in the sentenced area as they can get more help and do more courses. That seems to be the case. People are working towards going the right thing, right courses, good attitude, working and the pressure of waiting for sentence has gone and atmosphere not so tense.
    someone told me prison might be the right and best place to be especially at the moment snd considering the situation he had hit himself into. However we continue to live and support him however we can when he wants it. And yes we do have go on with our lives as hard as it can be. Finding how to change ourselves to be strong in the situation. Good people in our lives have helped a lot.
    The path my son was on wasn’t heading in a good direction and 2 arrests hadn’t stopped him and his thinking was very blurred. He was fortunate he didn’t get longer and pleading guilty and his background of his situation did help. The sentence came with a firm encouragement that he needed to take the opportunity he was being given to rehabilitate as they saw he was capable of doing that and make a positive difference to the community.
    I pray he does.

    Mental illness certainly does lead to poor choices, and they are unable to see that they are falling fast into a deep hole. Routines and sleep all over the place etc.

    At this time, snd from another couple today , things seems to have changed a lot. The early delays when first in remand were hard but he seems settled in his routine and in low security because he kept his head down and stayed out of trouble.

    He sounds more like who he was a few years ago before the PTSD and anxiety. From what I hear however the transition home can be challenging. He will be leaving strict routine snd a regular job and exercise to have to start again and I I hope it doesn’t trigger off the old behaviour. Faith by my husband and I is required!! Hopefully your son will respond well and take the opportunity to turn his life around too.

    Thinking of you in the lead up to the court case. Please stay in touch.

    nameless 1

  28. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Too be honest, I would really rather not think about it. My soul is weary. I only see him for about an hour every couple of weeks and that is hard work. I’m emotionally drained at the end of it. Now that the rose coloured glasses are off and I can see him for who he really is I struggle to reconcile that I could birth something so damaged. The really sad thing is he can’t see who he really is and the damage that he has left in his wake. I’ve learnt that it is a waste of my breath to discuss it with him. He is incapable of self reflection. I don’t know what will become of him but my mum summed it up. When he is in prison he feels safe because he knows the boundaries.
    2 people found this helpful
  29. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4534 posts
    2 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dearest Sunflower62, hugs.

    These are such devastating events for you to realise and to go through. My heart aches for you as a mother and as a woman. Sending you mountains of love.

    In my eyes you are also a victim of your son's actions.
    What he's done could destroy you.

    Please, PLEASE don't allow this to be so.

    Indeed you realise there's nothing you can do to change your son now.

    Whatever he has done is NOT your fault.

    We have a Self-care Thread. I urge you to practice some self-care. Know that others see you for who you really are, a beautiful loving mother and wonderful caring woman.
    We're here for you and hope you can get through this and be okay.

    Love always
    EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    3 October 2021
    I had to lie yesterday when someone asked me about him. They had my some assumptions and I really didn’t want to discuss it with her. She said my son had been seen being arrested. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. He had moved back to our home state. I don’t think she was convinced. Thing is, I know, even though she pretended sympathy all she was after was gossip. I don’t like lying but in this case I don’t care. No matter how she dresses it up, it’s none of her business.
    3 people found this helpful

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