Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page
Forums Threads Posts Last reply
Welcome and orientation

Anxious about posting? Drop in here to say hi, we'd like to get to know you. In here you'll find lots of newbies, info about how the forums work, and you can give us suggestions on how to make things better around here.

4067 24437
by Ggrand
25 minutes ago
Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

Space for sharing tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing with other carers.

2294 14547
by randomx
3 hours ago
Relationship and family issues

Anything to do with managing relationships and family, including parenting, separation, loneliness, divorce, family, and friendships.

5686 41312
by The Bro
1 minute ago

Space for discussion of generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), social anxiety, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, and eating disorders.

5909 41085
by The Bro
21 minutes ago

Space for discussion of major depression, bipolar disorder, cyclothymic and dysthymic disorders, and BPD (borderline personality disorder).

5165 38085
by Daniel12
3 hours ago
Young people

Space for people aged 12-25 to discuss life and wellbeing issues. If you are aged over 25, please be mindful that this forum is a space for younger people to connect and provide peer support for each other.

3855 20588
by Isabella_
2 days ago
Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

656 4244
by Christina S
1 day and 2 hours ago

Topic: BPD son in prison, I’m over it

  1. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4561 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hey Sunflower

    You can do whatever it takes to get you through.

    Gossips are just erk! I had horrible gossip neighbours during my Court cases. I told them to their face that they were just gossips lol. I also used quotes from the Bible as they pretend to be Christian people!
    I can thank my Missionary parents for that at least lol!

    It's NONE of anyone's business.

    Boundaries are so important for you moving forward. Setting these up will help you compartmentalise the different sectors of your life.

    Having ready come backs is a must!

    You could say "Oh thankyou for enquiring about my son, that's very kind of you. SO how are you?" deflect deflect deflect. People like to talk about themselves. True gossips will bring it all back to be nosy and get as much info as possible. You know this.

    How are YOU doing?


    3 people found this helpful
  2. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower
    That would have been so hard for you I have experienced the same thing It’s so hard when people ask or dig for information about my son too. And they keep dogging. My husband and I came up with a reply,
    I hate to lie but we say he needed space and time away from everything to sort himself out and he as moved to the country . Time to move out of home and be independent. Then there are those who want to know where and what work and what study and is he with friends etc. We just say he has part time work and doing on line study is with people he knows and try desperately to change the topic back tk their kids. .Friends know he has PTSD and are concerned but no one needs to know anything. It is sad as these are long time friends

    take care

    nameless 1

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    5 October 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Yeah, I hate being put on the spot and I was angry that she put me in that position. But next time I’ll probably just be rude and tell her to bugger off.
  4. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4561 posts
    5 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Well Sunflower, she was being rude by being so nosy so she can get the same.

    All good.

  5. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    Just checking in to see how you are going and your son did in court.

    All the waiting is hard!! I hope you are coping. Some days are easier than others .Somedays it weighs so i heavily in your heart and it is hard to stop thinking about the situation my son is in. Other days there is hope and other days I think of the things that can go wrong.
    j have been researching parole as he is going though the process but hadn’t heard anything for 6 weeks. I spent a few days going through everything so I knew about it . Then tonight we got a call to say he had a meeting with the parole officer . He sounds positive about getting help etc so I hope he puts in the effort. I have read others experiences snd want to be positive that he can get through and has changed. He certainly sounds much better on the phone and we get regular calls from where he is now. He is able to cook and do more things for himself snd in a smaller unit. He has discussed getting help for continued support for mental health and to stay drug free. I hope he will be willing when the time comes. He has asked for help before and then resisted. This time I guess he has no choice or will end up back in prison!!.
    There are still a few unresolved issues from the case that need finalising and I hope they are done soon so he comes out with less things to stress him and trigger reactions.

    I’m keeping hopeful, looking after myself and have good support from a few dear friends and counsellor and keeping away from those aren’t and who will be judging and just not telling anyone who will upset me . Taking each day as it comes as that may me sometimes.
    Take care Sunflower.

  6. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    I’ve heard from his lawyer. Court on 8 December. He is pleading guilty and his lawyer believes he will be sentenced at the same time. Just marking time.
  7. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi sunflower

    Thanks for the update. We hated the waiting part. Then there is more waiting to see if our son gets parole and If so when . Then the voyage further into the unknown of how he will be and respond to being on parole and all that is happened. They keep it all bottled …hard to talk in the phone or emails.
    Let us know how you go on the 8th December . Will you attending in person or AVL?
    Thinking of you
    Nameless 1

  8. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Thank you Nameless, for all your kind thoughts and support. This has been a very difficult time for me on two levels. Firstly because the first time it happened I believed he was innocent. I have had to reconsider my thinking and face the fact that my son is not who I thought he was. Secondly I questioned the role I played. Should I have noticed sooner? Was there something I did / didn’t do? And how I now feel about him emotionally emotionally.
  9. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower,

    A day doesn’t go by that I don’t have the same thoughts about my role of what I did or didn’t do.
    I never imagined I would be going through this or that my loving caring son would change and would end up in prison.
    Disappointment for us was that he chose to lie in his police interview, which caused problems on that the police check raised doubts so he ultimately decided to plead guilty for everything. I am glad as his acceptance he has done wrong is important for him to change .
    I have changed too through all this too and I have had to chose to use this experiences for good, eg in comforting others ..not to let it make me bitter and hurt and not to let this bad situation control me and destroy me or take away my love. It’s hard and hard been though many emotions and counselling sessions and podcasts and sermons to get to this point.

    We spoke to our son again tonight. There is progress in his parole application and PSA reports have none been sent and are being considered but he parole board and hope to hear in a month. He says he wants to prove to everyone e he can get back on track again.

    When he rings, he might not want to talk about family, future, plans and deep and meaningful things but happy that he is talking about anything!! …cooking and his skills he is learning in his work… It was exciting to hear about it. I still get off the phone and we hope we said and asked the right thing, especially if he doesn’t ring back for a while , so I am working on trying not to do that!!

    Regarding telling people, because he asked us not to tell anyone :We heard from another friend he wrote to that he wanted to be able to explain the situation to them himself. So I am glad that people continually asking about the family didn’t make me feel pressured to tell them. Our vague answer seemed to satisfy . Covid made it easier to explain his absence plus his previously pushed family away anyway.
    i think others going though and wonder how in the future I can some how find a way to educate kids not to go down this pathway and end up in prison .

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi All

    Parole granted .

    Next stage of the journey begins!!

    We are going to pick him up soon so we hope he settles well and copes with transition. We are feeling fairly anxious as we remember how he was before and it is hard to shift those memories though we have worked hard to deal with them and to change and grow. He is anxious too after having had a strict routine and n maybe new routines and going to places around a lot of people etc.
    meet have had a few chats in the phone and he finally arid he wanted us to tell his brother and sister .. who had guessed but didn’t know the details. He thigh time it would be easier than telling them himself after all . It bade a few things easier.

    I will let you know how it all goes!!
    Nameless 1

  11. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    I hope it goes well and your son transitions back into real life smoothly. A second chance, a learning curve and the opportunity to do good. Take care 💕
  12. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower 62

    I will be still checking in every few days to see who is writing. Parole means he is still serving a sentence so a bit of work to go for him a check has to prove himself as worthy of staying out on parole.

    Let me know how everything goes on the 8th December!! It’s such a drawn out process!!

  13. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    36 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Thank you for your support. This has been a difficult one for me to get my head around. I’ve questioned myself and the part I have played. However, I just need to have a conversation with him to see that some of the important synapses are not connecting and the world he sees is not the same world I see. He made his choice, he is pleading guilty, he will accept the consequence. Wishing your family all the best. xoxo
  14. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    122 posts
    26 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    It has been an been an emotional week for us all. He is home now on parole. Tonight there was a flood of tears as he released his emotions built up while in prison. Still a few things he is waiting on to have resolved like a fine he was waiting to have paid via time time served programme .
    What part did you think you play?
    Just wondering if it the same as I feel and we also wonder too if we gave him
    to much , weren’t tough enough .. and many other things!!
    so hard being the parent . I feel we are always blamed!!


Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.

Sign me up