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Topic: Depressed Husband left a year ago. Now what?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hopefullwife
    Hopefullwife avatar
    2 posts
    18 July 2018
    Sorry in advance for the long post.


    First time posting but I share a story a lot the same as some of you. Four years ago when I was pregnant with our second daughter My husband became distant, withdrawn from me and our family. I found some inappropriate text messages from a work colleague, I put a stop to this straight away but this went on for a few
    More years,I felt betrayed and rejected. he became more withdrawn, not seeing friends , painting or doing anything he liked. Long story short, he said he didn't know how he felt about me and I asked him to leave our family home if that's how he felt.
    Fast forward a year exactly and he is still out of home. He has been to 6 sessions with a psychologist who has said he has depression but doesn't need to be medicated. and also needing to reassess his values. He puts work ahead of family and to him we were getting in the way.
    So my question is this, it's been a whole year I've held all responsibilities, all hope that he will come home. He says he will and wants to. But hasn't. August is my time I said I will feel like letting go, I don't know if I be with someone who can be away from me this long.
    But Is this normal for them to be away? needing advice or to make me feel I'm not alone.
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    18 July 2018 in reply to Hopefullwife

    Dear Hopefullwife~

    I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation, I don't know enough about things to offer much in the way of advice. I can tell you what it has been like for me (the one with the depression) and to a lesser extent what my wife had to go though. There are however significant differences from your husband's circumstances.

    For a long time I did not have the correct sort of treatment and kept on getting worse. I struggled at work and basically had no time, energy or mental resources for anything else, including family. I was withdrawn sometimes resentful and was cut off from myself. By that I mean I'd no idea what I liked or did not, what I wanted or if I loved my family. In fact I'd no idea if I was even capable of love.

    This continued until I was no longer able to work. However after a fair about of time with medication and therapy and hospital I started to improve. Despite setbacks that improvement has continued until I was back in a loving relationship and leading a pretty reasonable life.

    My wife had to go to work, look after the offspring and all the usual domestic matters, plus me. She was very much in limbo and at least at the start tended to blame herself. In time she adapted to my behavior and was able to be there for me. She did have a lot of help from her mum, which made a huge emotional and practical difference.

    So at present your husband is not really under the same level of treatment (incidentally psychologists cannot prescribe medication, though I suppose they might have opinions on its desirability.) At present you husband can still maintain work, and has shown an interest in a colleague, something I was never tempted to do.

    This might give you some idea of what depression can do. As I said my wife had her mum, is there anyone there for you?

    Being stuck as you are, not knowing if your husband will return or be his old self is so very hard. All I can say is that sometimes we take ourselves for granted and assume we are a limitless well of strength, something sadly not really the case.

    I do hope you come back and talk more

    Croix

  3. Hopefullwife
    Hopefullwife avatar
    2 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to Croix

    Thankyou foryoir story and insight and for you reply. It is helpful to know that I am not alone. My husband has always been able to maintain work. Actually seems he consumes himself in it and feels like he's wasting time if he's not working. yes his psychologist said he doesn't need medications, not sure if because they don't find use for it or he's not bad enough. While I see a major major change in him, I also have my guard up because o know how quickly things can change. I am so blessed with my kids, they miss him dearly and have been so good through this. I have a great support system even his family have been wonderful. And my psychologist friend who has helped a lot.

    He saysjhe needed to be away so he realised what he had. And that doing so has helped heaps. But while I don't want to force him to come home, the fact that he hasn't is hurtful.

  4. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to Hopefullwife

    Dear Hopefullwife~

    I can only say what I'd think in your position, which may not be realistic.

    In any partnership both people have to contribute. Sure there are times when one gives more than the other but overall there has to be a balance. This includes looking after the other person's welfare, even if hard at times.

    Looking at things from the outside I would think your husband has to firstly see to your welfare, he has had a year of looking after his, and secondly enthusiastically embrace all means to alleviate his depression, and that may mean meds. or simply more GPs and other health professionals and therapy.

    Leaving you and the children in limbo is unfair and impractical. Returning to a loving household is not a terrible fate and hopefully may help with his illness.

    I'm very glad you have others to support you.

    Croix

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