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Topic: Depressed partner and how to handle my fears

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. WeGotThis
    WeGotThis avatar
    2 posts
    27 March 2019

    Hi everyone,

    I am new to this forum and I am not sure if I am in the right place. I just need to get this of my chest and hope to get some advice on how to proceed.

    My partner of 12 month has recently opened up about him dealing with depression. He has been on medication for about 6 months until he suddenly stopped without any help from his doctor. A few months later he was not able to cope any longer. He has been in a real dark place, talking about suicide, being angry and agitated, abusing alcohol and drugs.

    He went back to the doctor and started taking medication again.He has been taken them for over 2 month now but he seems to be getting worse. I have been trying to encourage him to also go and talk to someone. I am worried and scared and don't know where to start. I am trying to be supportive, understanding, give him space when he needs it but also show him that I am here if he wants me to be. He says he loves me and I am the only good thing in his life but that he hates how he lowers the quality of my life, that I deserve so much better and that he doesn't understand how I can love such a looser.

    I am just confused about what is the disease and what might be his character?

    Last weekend we had a great time away watching a band,...suddenly, like every time when we seem to go away for a weekend getaway or anything fun, he gets angry with me, starts picking on me, followed by how much he hates himself and that I deserve better and he sees everybody wanting me and he doesn't know why I am with him. I try to assure him that I love him, that I am here for him and that his depression is making him feel this way, it can be cured and that I believe in him and his recovery...

    He then left in a rage going on a 24hrs bender. He texted me at some point that he understands if its over but he needs to know that I am ok..he later arrived at my place at 5am in the morning drunk, on drugs and telling me how sorry he is and that he doesn't want to loose me. He told me he went to a bar drinking, chatting to people etc..and then I my alarm bells went off...what if he needs to get female attention to make himself feel better?.. what if he gets so drunk etc that he does stupid stuff like cheating or THE worst, trying to take his life like he said so many times before...

    I don't know what I expect from this post, I just feel scared for his life and selfish enough to just fear loosing him!

    Thank you for listening and thank you for people like you all xx

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8360 posts
    27 March 2019 in reply to WeGotThis

    Hi WGT, welcome

    Medication- one should always go off medication slowly not cold turkey. That can create more problems than anything else imaginable.

    Whenever medication isn't working, one should go to his GP and explain it, a reduction in dosage or a change in medication could be the answer. I tried 12 medications before one just "clicked".

    Sometimes when mentally unwell people get angry, go off in a rage, it could have been with anyone that was with them, sadly often its their partner that cops it. The worse thing to do in that situation is to run after them or be confronting. The best thing to do is be available when they return or contact you, at which time you be calm, soft voice and be supportive. My last partner would yell at me "you should be home", "you left me alone" and so on. But the unwell cannot cope with some situations and once he returns to his senses when he contacts you the last thing he needs after his world has crumbled is to continue the feeling it is crumbling more.

    So, that's why mentally unwell people need carers. Carers is a difficult pseudo psychiatrist job where you are straddling the balustrade of love, care and patience with anger, frustration and welfare. It's a difficult job.

    If indeed you are calm and supportive when he contacts you after storming off, he will know that every time he losses it, he can contact you without getting a dressing down. So he will storm off less...why? the main reason is security. When a partner of us is our best friend they become our lives, our security blanket. That should be your aim. Yes, he will storm off again and again until he matures more and sees you as more of a supportive person. He will care for you more because you care for him so much...then his storming off will reduce.

    Make no mistake, us mentally unwell are good catches. Why? because we love deeply- very deeply. But we cannot control all facets of our behavior and need extra understanding.

    You have that in you. Be calm, talk softly and let him know you are there for him.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. WeGotThis
    WeGotThis avatar
    2 posts
    27 March 2019 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK,

    Thank you so much for your response! I can't explain how much it helped me already and what it means to me that you took time out of your day to explain some points to me! Thank you!

    I have been trying to encourage my partner to go and see his GP to talk about his medication etc but he doesn't want to talk to me about it and gets frustrated when I bring it up. He says he doesn't like his GP and feels he doesn't care about him either...when I suggest finding another GP he asks me not talk about it and he will sort it out... I can only hope that he will go back or find another GP soon?...

    Great advise on the how to deal with him storming off. I did leave him alone until he reached out to me and once he came back I assured him that I am not angry, just happy that he is back and that we got this together, no matter what. Thank you for pointing out to give him space when it happens, that it will probably happen again and how to react on his return. I was not sure if my reaction on his return was helpful by not making a big deal out of it.

    I won't give up on him! He is away for the week and I miss him dearly, I just hope he doesn't go on another bender doing anything stupid. I am scared of loosing him...I love him with all my heart and I know that he is an amazing beautiful, kind and caring person which I get to see sometimes...those times are what I hold onto when he is in a dark place. It just hurts seeing him going through this and I feel powerless.

    Thank you so much again for your advise!

    WGT

  4. Purple People Eater
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Purple People Eater avatar
    36 posts
    1 April 2019 in reply to WeGotThis

    Hi WGT

    It looks like you are more anxious about losing your partner than his depression. So at least initially, you need some support to help you hold on through his ups and downs - ideally, as a carer partner, we don't want to stay on the rollercoaster with our depressed other half. Ideally, we remain stable and safe and our depressed partner will be able to grow.

    Please check with your local Carers XXXXX Organisation for what help exists to support mental health carers in your state. You might also want to try the Mind Carer Helpline. And the National Carer Gateway. Googling those terms should help.

    Good luck!

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8360 posts
    1 April 2019 in reply to Purple People Eater

    Hi WGT

    Thankyou for your reply.

    Google

    Beyondblue Topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful

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