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Topic: Depression, family and finance

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Talltree
    Talltree avatar
    2 posts
    9 April 2019
    Hi,

    My husband has been diagnosed with depression. We believe he has had it for many years and about a year ago saw a doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants. The medication worked well (he was happy again after many hard years) and even though the dr asked for him to also see a councillor/psychologist to hone in on the reasons of his depression, he decided against it.

    A year later, he sold his business and without any communication with me has decided that he can’t work (he was aiming for a part time job after selling the business). His reasons change from wanting to be around for our kids (12&8 years), to not being able to work due to his mental health. I work full time but I don’t earn enough to cover all the bills. He knows this but still refuses to help. This puts a lot of pressure on me to the point that I’m now getting overly stressed. If I mention the cost of upcoming bills he does not care and that I need to apologies to him for being cranky.

    I have no idea what to do… And I feel absolutely stuck…

    Has anyone been or in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

    Thanks
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8228 posts
    9 April 2019 in reply to Talltree

    Hi, welcome

    yes, I understand your situation well.

    I can see why the event occurs when he gave up work. The same occurred to me, went to work, stayed one hour then I knew I had to return home. At home told my wife "sorry darl, my working life is over".

    That is sad, worse it is upheaval but it is unavoidable. It's like running into a wall.

    However, it isnt fair to lumber all of the income responsibilities onto the other partner. Eg what if the same "wall" came along with yourself?

    In my case I encouraged any action to remain afloat that included the prospect of selling our adorable home (cottage), seeking part time work as soon as I've recovered enough, giving up my hobby and if able, taking over home duties.

    So, that was 6 years ago. I never returned to work in any capacity - not able but yearned to.

    There is some basic obligations even for the mentally unwell. I mention them in the following thread.

    Use google

    Beyondblue Topic who cares for the carer?

    I hope that helps. I recommend seeing a counselor with or without your husband.

    Repost anytime/ask questions

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1142 posts
    9 April 2019 in reply to Talltree

    Hi Talltree

    Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. I don't blame you for feeling stressed, as hubby has sure put you in a really difficult situation.

    Is hubby usually more responsible? Is this type of independent decision making out of character for him? Just wondering, as it may help you to work out what's really going on.

    If he can't work due to depression, I think it's reasonable for you to request he review his mental health plan with the doctor and follow through with the recommended treatment.

    Depression is common and treatable and with the right treatment most people recover. With your love and support, he will have a better opportunity to heal. And hopefully be able to manage work soon.

    If he doesn't want to work, whether it's to spend time with the kids or not, that's a different story. It's really not an option, given your wage is insufficient for the family to live on.

    Perhaps you need to have another talk with him about the family finances and see if he has any ideas or knows something you don't. Maybe present a weekly/monthly expense sheet (sometimes things seem more real in black and white).If you can't do it on your own, see if you can persuade him to see a marriage counsellor with you.

    Kind thoughts to you

  4. Talltree
    Talltree avatar
    2 posts
    11 April 2019 in reply to white knight

    Thanks so much for your replies Tony and Summer Rose.

    Tony - thanks for your insights, I have an appointment with a dr on Monday for myself and was also going to ask their advise as to what I should do next for both myself and us.

    Summer Rose - Problem is that he won't update his mental health plan with his dr as he believes he already know's the crux of his depression and seeing someone won't fix his issues (he also won't tell me)... I still don't know if he can't work due to his depression OR because he just doesn't want to and will use depression as a reason as to why he can't. He does for sure suffer from depression and anxiety and has suffered for many hears so I'm not discounting the illness, more about using it as an excuse. Financially, he also won't budge. I've asked so many times over the years to at least sit with me so I can go through our family finances but he just doesn't want to because in his eyes 'it's always bad'...

    He a-likes his depression to cancer but unlike cancer doesn't seem to want tome forward with recovery...

    Thanks for listening..

  5. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1142 posts
    11 April 2019 in reply to Talltree

    Hi Talltree

    Thanks for explaining more about what's happening. It's tricky because you can't make him seek help, he has to want help and be ready to receive it. It's not uncommon for people like your hubby to feel stuck and find it hard to move forward with treatment.

    Given his diagnosis, your knowledge and confirmation of his illnesses and his behaviour which is consistent with depression and anxiety, I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

    That unfortunately puts the ball back in your court. It seems like you're not going to be able to change the situation, at least in the short term. Can you accept this?

    If you can, you will need a lot of patience and understanding. Hubby needs support, love and acceptance. So do you.

    Caring for someone with a mental health condition, working and being a mum is tough, and I know because I do it, too. You really need to look after yourself and we can talk more about that if you want.

    Perhaps you would feel less stressed if you could reduce your living expenses, so you don't run up debt. Is this possible? Do you have a good financial advisor?

    Maybe also try to get help for hubby through ndis. Perhaps look at his insurance policy to see if there is any way to claim for disability. You can apply for the carer allowance.

    I'm hoping if you can buy some time financially, you might be able to persuade hubby to engage with a psychologist/doctor in the meantime.

    It's not easy but life can get better for all of you.

    Kind thoughts to you

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