Topic: Helping your child to overcome school refusal

Hi fatherof4men,

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for being here -

I'm wondering if you are able to start up a new thread with this post? That way all of us champions and members can support you personally on your own thread rather than this thread (which is about tips and advice). Does that sound okay? I definitely have some thoughts on what might help so I'll hold them until I can see your new thread.

If you've posted it but I haven't replied yet feel free to link to it here - that way we'll make sure it gets seen and heard!

Thank you

Hi Dr Kim, my 15 year old girl finds attending school a major battle every day. I began with informing her HOD (head of dept) that she wasn't coping. We started with sensory toys in the classroom and talking to her teachers to minimise putting pressure on her during class time. Not enough. Went through many plans and strategies but the school is about teaching and assessing (I'm a teacher so I get it). So to get my daughter what she needed and to meet her increasing needs as she slipped further into depression and anxiety I agreed to stop assessments and reporting for her for 1 term to reduce the stress of attending school, class, learning and doing assessments, being judged etc... Our goals at that stage was for her to go to school each day and attend classes as much as she could.

Throughout the year the plan has changed and has become official with the school allowing her to have a reduced timetable (having Wednesdays off),to have a 'timeout space' when she needs it (which is the library), she accesses this space with a leave card from the office, access to me on call for the days she can't cope with.

She has not received a report card all year but she is going to school 3 to 4 days a week and only has 1 or 2 times in the library throughout the day. Each day continues to be a struggle and I'm very concerned about what next year will bring (Yr 11)! I try and live by the 'one day at a time' motto even bringing it down to 'one hour at a time'.

Hi Daisy2,

Just letting you know that unfortunately Dr. Kim isn't on the threads anymore so she won't be able to reply to your post.

As this was only designed as a tips kind of thread, I wonder if it might be helpful having your own post? You could make one and then just copy the information over - that way we can all see what you've written and try and offer our own support, ideas or suggestions.

Also feel free to link to it here - that way I and anyone else can jump in and read your thread.

Hi sarah$$,

Just letting you know that Dr. Kim isn't on the threads anymore - this was designed as a tips post. Are you able to make your own post? That way we can support you 1 on 1 and learn more about what's going on.

Also feel free to link to it here so that we can all see it. There's lots of parents in the same boat.

I'm feeling sick with worry. My son years of bullying though physical and emotional abuse by his peers. Last year suicide thoughts. 3 weeks ago we moved him to a new school. His best mate moved with him. Thought everything was ok until he had a emotional break down. Stating he feels low again and feels he isn't welcome. His best mate isn't happy either after telling my son this the day before. We have booked him into headspace ( he refused to see someone face to face prior but has agreed to now) socially he is awkward has been standing back from sporting teams. Even though good at sport. He has refused to go to school as well.

Now he wants to go back to old school. Is that the best thing to do? I think he's scared that his bf will leave the new school because he has mentioned it to him.

I'm torn on what is best to do, sad face, go bk to the devil he knows( school he left) or with more outside support build him up socially ( even if his bf leaves) and make him stay at new school. Or give him a chance to make his own mine up.

Hard hard hard

My son is turning 14 he's in year 8.

Hi Traceej,

welcome to beyond blue.

It is really tough when you try to be there for your child and seemingly nothing you can do helps.

My personal thoughts are that it takes time to form new relationships when you move from one place to another. And this will be worse if you are also socially awkward as you said he was. And you have also booked him into headspace which is a positive step also.

What does you son mean when he says that he does not feel welcome? Is he getting bullied again? Or not able to join in?

As to what you should do... the best way (?) is to look at the positives and negatives of each option and then weigh them up. For example a positive of the new school is the outside support (from your post) and a negative might be less friends. At the old school, a positive might be know people, and negative is the bullying. Once you have exhausted the options you will know what the right decision is.

For yourself, you could also contact ParentLine in your local State or Territory, who will be able to advise you on what the next steps might be.

Tim

Tim

HiDaisy2, my 15yr old daughter has panic disorder and seperation anxiety from me and fear of her loved ones dying. It's from a loss when she was 5 and more losses throughout her life. She hasnt been to school for last 4 months and all the steps you are describing we have been through. in 2019 things went better but after her brother moving out at same time it has been down hill again. Has had lots of councelling and healing of trauma has been achieved. Term 3 is starting, school is not an option atm, she hasnt received a report card. She wants to go and misses her friends but the fear of school is soo high. How do you cope with it all? I am not able to go out on my own atm. We are working on it and building up the time away from eachother. School is very supportive but I feel they are getting a bit antsy about her missing so much school. Have done reduced work from home. The forums say; take time for yourself but I am NOT in a position to take off on my own atm. It's very hard. Hubby is struggling with her condition and hides in work. He loves her but is not always connecting with her where she needs is most. Sometimes I feel like polony in a sandwich. Is anyone else in this situation by any change?

Hi Sarah,

I'm going through the same thing you are. My son is 13yrs old and due to anxiety/depression he isn't wanting to go to school. The wellbeing counsellor suggested we make up a timetable that may be able to help. I was just suggesting this for you too. Maybe if your daughter can go until recess on Mon, Tues and Wed. and then thursday and Friday go til lunch. Slowly build that time so they won't feel so overwhelmed. This is something i'm going to try as i know the feeling your going through. I wish i had more of a helpful suggestion but i'm dealing with the exact same thing. Goodluck Sarah$$

With all due respect my blood boils when I see this post from a doctor. The parents of school refusers do not appreciate these views " They need to get back to school as school refusal is a slippery slope" and "Parents, Guardians and any other family members need guidance in developing management skills to help the child as it is really hard work"

I am currently bracing myself to get my teenage daughter to school this morning. It is now the 3rd year of this DAILY struggle. Can you imagine 3 years of hours of cajoling, tears, tantrums everyday . 3 years of health care professionals, waiting lists, reports, expense, experimentation with medication and the side effects. Three years of threats of prosecution, hospitalisation, paperwork and appointments. 2 of those years as a single mother of two because the father couldn't handle the situation anymore.

I have watched my poor kid go from scared of 2 bullies in her class to scared of life. So withdrawn she cant even stand to have the curtains in the house open. It breaks my heart.

You say its a slippery slope like the longer it goes on the worse it will get... well der. The guilt trip is not appreciated.

You say its my fault, I'm too soft, I need training and guidance. Well thank you for your judgement. You probably think I will be spending my day curled up on the couch with my netflix and cigarettes but I am a secondary school teacher of 30 years experience and i need to get to work.

Hi everyone,

I recently just showed this post to help my parents in contacting help for my sister, but I also think my parents need some advice to point them in the right direction on what to do. My parents are really lost right now and are waiting for my sister to agree and decide on something to do (which is nothing at this point.) She has not attended school for a week and a few days now and my parents are inclined on pulling her out.

Now, she only sits at her room on her bed staring at the wall and does nothing. She would not even talk to my parents or my sisters. Other than that, she also goes to the bathroom to wash her face, hands and checks her face quite frequently (like one hour after every 3-4 hours) at the mirror.

I want to seek a professional's help right now to consult my parents on what to do for my youngest and also arrange my youngest home visits. She is not in the state of mind right now to consult her problems through online services when she gets super anxious and conscientious of herself on technology (that she would hang up immediately).