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Topic: How to help and understand my husband

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Support7
    Support7 avatar
    2 posts
    19 July 2018

    Hello,

    iv come over here for some advice and support from people who have maybe gone or are going thought similar situations and could maybe help me understand what I should be doing.

    I’m not diagnosing but I believe my husband does suffering from a mental illness. This has happened more then once and I’m starting to see a pattern and my husbands mother also suffers with depression.

    We have 1 children and another one on the way, very pregnant :)

    I’m wondering how I can help him, and help myself as it’s really starting to affect me. I would call myself a naturally caring person. I do understand some types of mental health. I have actually done a course in mental health to do with my job as I am a care worker. But due to being pregnant I have to say I’m not really %100 strong myself at the moment.

    As I said he has done

    this before but it starts with him becomesing very insecure and feeling as though I don’t love him or an attractived to him. He needs constant reassurance and affection. He was doing amazing for 2 weeks, happiest I had seen him in months it was almost over the top he has now come crashing down real hard. He has come withdrawn, won’t talk to me, or go near me and just comes home and goes to bed. He says he feels horrible and really crappy about himself but doesn’t know why and doesn’t want to deal with it.

    im trying so hard to love him, care for him, even just hold his hand, cuddle but he doesn’t let me and pushes me away. Iv tried sending sweet messages daily and doing sweet gestures liking bringing him his favourite drink into work.

    Iv mentioned I’m here to support you, you know how much I love and care for you, I said I can’t help you if you don’t let me, and have said about maybe talking to someone, his father, friends or even a professional.

    As i am pregnant I can’t help but to take it a lot more to heart. Along with trying to be strong for my toddler and baby inside me and now my husband. It’s hard to be around someone you love and care so much for who will not let you in or help them.

    I’m starting to think about maybe seeing someone myself to help support me to help support him as best as I can. Maybe then if he sees I’m getting help he might feel more welcome to come along or go himself.

    Iv tried talking to my own mother and sister in law but I don’t really want to worry them or get them involved.

    Just any advice or stories would really help me get a grasp on where I can go from here.

    thankyou even for just listening.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  2. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to Support7

    Dear Support7

    Welcome to the forum. It's good you have posted in here to get support for yourself. It is difficult when a partner becomes unwell and does not want to deal with it. Usually it is because if he doesn't know he is unwell then it will go away. Without being sexist it does seem that men more than women have this attitude. I gather he is the bread winner in the family and any suggestion that he may not be doing a good job will make him defensive. Any small activity that goes wrong will also upset him very easily because he is so tensed up. So being constantly asked what is wrong, even with the best intentions, will worry him because he doesn't know what to do.

    OK I am not blaming you in any way. When we love someone we hate to see them unwell in any way and want them to get well again. So it is frustrating when they refuse help, which in reality comes from their feelings of insecurity and helplessness. First of I suggest you read the literature available on BB. At the top of the page look under The Facts and search the website for information under the various topics listed there. It covers a small number of mental illnesses none of which may apply to your husband but will give you some idea of what is ailing him.

    I also suggest you see your own GP and to talk about your mental health and how to look after yourself. As a mom myself I aware of how fragile we can be during pregnancy and I suspect the urge to nurture is probably more intense at this time. Nature taking over. It appears you may be battling on two fronts, your pregnancy and maternal instincts plus the erratic behaviour of your husband and its cause.

    Does this sum up how you feel? Like you I cannot diagnose any illness but talking to someone who can will be a good first step. What will help you and your GP is if you write down how your husband behaves much as you have done in your post. Might also be good to copy/paste/ print your post as well as having your list. You can write more on your list than you have above. Having examples is good. Does your GP know your husband from any previous consultations? If the GP has met him he/she may find it easier to understand him.

    Please let know how this is going and write it any time you want to chat.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Support7
    Support7 avatar
    2 posts
    19 July 2018

    Thanks for the post white rose,

    I think you have hit the nail on the head. Everything you have said really hit home and made sense.

    I have just booked a appointment with my GP and an actually feeling really positive and excited about doing something instead of worrying in my own head.

    i have always been the nurturing type, e.g. my job and I adore being a mother and have always been maternal.

    I also think he holds a lot of baggage from his past relationship, which he needs to deal with.

    the past few days I have felt guilty and taking it all personally, as I have done wrong and also feeling unloved, but have woken up today feeling like this isn’t any of my fault I am taking too much of it on. I need to look after myself, and just let him know I am here if he needs, I’m not going anywhere.

    I just hope for his sake he can wake up soon and realise it ok to ask and need help. We are all human.

    thankyou once again, appreciated more then you’ll ever know. :) have a wonderful day

  4. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    20 July 2018 in reply to Support7

    Hello Support

    Many thanks for the compliment, it's always nice to hear good things.

    Good for you making the GP appointment and congratulations on realising you have not caused any problem. It's always difficult when a partner has past events which still affect them in the present. Most of our childhood day-to-day hurts go away easily because they are not important to hold on to but when something really bad happens the response is often to try and bury it. It works for a while until something happens in the present day and triggers memories of the past hurt.

    I know my husband had a pretty rotten childhood and carries the scars still but will not acknowledge them. It does rub off on the family eventually. Maybe the added responsibilities of having children has made your husband think of his childhood or a previous relationship and has become distressed. It's no good trying to guess the reason for his evident unhappiness. It's invariably the wrong guess unless your husband wants to tell you.

    I would love to know how you get on with the GP but only if you feel OK to share. I am so pleased you are feeling batter. By the way, when is your baby due? A bit of a cold welcome to the world at the moment but may be it will get warmer before baby arrives.

    Mary

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