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Topic: Husband with Depression, I am losing myself.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. RLT
    RLT avatar
    2 posts
    9 February 2020

    Hi All (long one, i apologise),

    My Husband of 8 years has chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD from childhood trauma. We met 11 years ago and in the course of our relationship he has attempted suicide three times. For his most recent attempt he walked himself into emergency and said he needed help because he couldn't copy anymore. He has a team of doctors that he works with (GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and is doing everything that he needs to from a medical point of view to improve and manage his condition long term. He's recently been given access to a year of free counselling through a program with a local hospital which is an amazing opportunity.

    He's doing what he can from a medical perspective and he's trying to be social and outgoing with my friends which i really appreciate (as he previously took 4 years to agree to meet some of them) but i am absolutely emotionally drained and exhausted.

    Over this period i have had my own mental health struggles (approx 8-9 years ago) that i managed to get on top of with the help of a great psychologist. I haven't always been the model of a supportive wife but i've gotten a better paying job (that means long hours and a lot of responsibility) to help support my husband so he could work a job with less stress and responsibility, i've encouraged his doctors appointments but never forced them, sat next to him and done counselling together to help resolve what stress our relationship might put on him, i've followed the ups and downs of his life.

    Last week i went on a vacation with my family but my husband didn't go (he's an anxious flyer and was not in the right head space for travel) his psychologist had suggested he have someone stay with him for the week as he probably shouldn't be alone but he didn't follow through on this, when i returned home he had clearly been unable to cope on his own and it was in a disgusting state. for me this was a tipping point, i messaged some friends for support, booked an appointment with my psychologist and made sure he had someone to come over and spend the evening with him and packed my bags to head to my parents.

    I feel completely emotionally drained. How do i continue to live like this? I love my husband and i want everything for him, i want us to have a family and a beautiful future. I worry that the person i was when i met him is disappearing and i can no longer hold on for the hope that things will improve or become manageable

    i don't want this for my life.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8366 posts
    9 February 2020 in reply to RLT

    Hi, welcome

    As married people we tend to place much burden upon ourselves in terms of commitment and care. However, unrealistic expectations as a carer and spouse, places you in a position of desperation.

    There is also the threat of another suicide attempt be it not successful or successful which would place tremendous guilt on you and far into the future. I’m sure this is in your mind.

    What is the answer? Well peer advisors cannot give you one. The only answer is - your answer. If you decide to leave him it is your right to a happier life. If you decide to stay you know nothing is likely to change as you have tried everything as your post displays. What about a half way point between the two?

    I’msorry I cannot offer direct direction. But please remember- your best is and always will be- good enough.

    By all means stay here as we often have long term members with ongoing problems

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. RLT
    RLT avatar
    2 posts
    9 February 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK,

    Thank you so much for you reply - you're 100% right in that "the only answer is my answer".

    For right now i don't have one, i'll see a counsellor on my own and my husband and i will focus on just spending some time together.

    I've realised a difficult part of supporting a partner with mental health issues is the underlying trust issue between you and your partner, do you trust that they won't hurt themselves and they'll do what they need to do to help themselves. Do you still have hope for a happier future?

    Tomorrow i'm going to sit in on his GP appointment so i'm up to speed on whats going on in terms of treatment and to help open my eyes to just how hard he is working towards improving his mental health.

    The rest we'll both take one day at a time.

    Thanks Again.

    1 person found this helpful

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