Hi All (long one, i apologise),
My Husband of 8 years has chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD from childhood trauma. We met 11 years ago and in the course of our relationship he has attempted suicide three times. For his most recent attempt he walked himself into emergency and said he needed help because he couldn't copy anymore. He has a team of doctors that he works with (GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and is doing everything that he needs to from a medical point of view to improve and manage his condition long term. He's recently been given access to a year of free counselling through a program with a local hospital which is an amazing opportunity.
He's doing what he can from a medical perspective and he's trying to be social and outgoing with my friends which i really appreciate (as he previously took 4 years to agree to meet some of them) but i am absolutely emotionally drained and exhausted.
Over this period i have had my own mental health struggles (approx 8-9 years ago) that i managed to get on top of with the help of a great psychologist. I haven't always been the model of a supportive wife but i've gotten a better paying job (that means long hours and a lot of responsibility) to help support my husband so he could work a job with less stress and responsibility, i've encouraged his doctors appointments but never forced them, sat next to him and done counselling together to help resolve what stress our relationship might put on him, i've followed the ups and downs of his life.
Last week i went on a vacation with my family but my husband didn't go (he's an anxious flyer and was not in the right head space for travel) his psychologist had suggested he have someone stay with him for the week as he probably shouldn't be alone but he didn't follow through on this, when i returned home he had clearly been unable to cope on his own and it was in a disgusting state. for me this was a tipping point, i messaged some friends for support, booked an appointment with my psychologist and made sure he had someone to come over and spend the evening with him and packed my bags to head to my parents.
I feel completely emotionally drained. How do i continue to live like this? I love my husband and i want everything for him, i want us to have a family and a beautiful future. I worry that the person i was when i met him is disappearing and i can no longer hold on for the hope that things will improve or become manageable
i don't want this for my life.