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Topic: I'm lost with my BPD Husband

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Celtic Chic
    Celtic Chic avatar
    4 posts
    21 February 2015

    This is my first post.  I very grateful for a forum where I get to release my feelings.  My Husband and I have been together for nearly 18 years and he is the love of my life.  I've been to numerous counselling sessions with GP, Psychiatrists, Psychologists over the time we've been together but I feel now I've finally had enough.  He was diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder a couple of years ago, previously diagnosed as bi-polar 2.  He is on medication but that doesn't seem to make things better nor does he do the things the doctors have asked him to do.  He lies to the medical professionals so they have a more positive opinion of him even though they can see right through him.  Neighbours have called the Police to our house after hearing him screaming at me.  Of course everything is my fault and I have never loved him.  We have two girls who are scared when Dad's mood changes.  He admits when he is down that he will go out of his way to hurt me just to get a rise from me.  This week my car had to be towed and he lied to me so he didn't have to come and pick up me and our girls.  I had to get my Father in Law to take us home.  Found out 2 days later that he was at a friends house and just couldn't be bothered coming to pick us up.  When is up he is so childish  the girls find him hilarious but adults find him cringeworthy.  I am embarrassed by the way he acts and constantly interrupting people speaking and as a result I find I don't really want to go with him anywhere or invite people to ours.  I have tried to understand his condition and try and remember that he can't help this .. it's just really hurting that he treats people who don't know about his BPD one way and will go out of his way to please them yet me he treats like something he has stood in.  I have heard 18 years of excuses, apologies, lies and getting blamed for everything under the sun.  He has help there but just won't do anything to help himself.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this.  I'm all alone and lost.

     

     

     

     

    3 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8356 posts
    21 February 2015 in reply to Celtic Chic

    Hi Celtic Chic,  welcome to Beyond Blue forums

    I spent most of my 59 years under the "spell" of a BPD mother. That is, an undiagnosed BPD mother. See, she was always in full denial, to this day at 83 years old and always stubborn. My sister and I stopped seeing her 5 years ago and sadly we will never see her again!!

    Friends and relatives think we are cruel. They have heard mothers excuses, blown out of proportion tales and lies and she is soooo convincing. Manipulation is her most powerful weapon among her arsenal. But as I repeat to my relatives "only the children of a BPD mother can know the terrible effect she has had on us".

    BPD sufferers reading this please understand that ones in denial that are full of destruction of others lives may not refer to you. Nothing personal here.

    When someone wont get diagnosed you are simply left with assumptions and Dr Google. One such realisation that confirmed to me the seriousness of mothers illness was an extract from a book called "walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson. In her book she claims she discovered 4 personalities associated with BPD or part thereof.

    Google "witch,queen,hermit and waif" you will be surprised what you end up reading about those 4 people. My mother I believe has all 4 and all of them are strong clear cut characters.

    In the end as we often say here "you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink" that leads to "take care of yourself when the horse doesnt drink"!!! Meaning at the end of your journey of despair and pain, look after yourself because he isnt treating you as number one.

    Nobody wants to recommend a family split. That is for you to decide. Relationships Australia or similar counselling should be sort, as would any measures to make sure he has had every opportunity. Give him that. Once you are truly at the end of the line preserve yourself and your children and always endeavour to maintain a healthy communication line with him for the sake of your children. But never take abuse, nor excuses once he has had all the opportunities.

    You can use search feature above to read other threads I've written here that could be of interest (even if you only read the first post)-

    controlling your life- how important is it?

    emotional blackmail- likely extreme BPD

    children of mothers of BPD

    Does stubbornness have a place?

    Is there room for stubbornness?

     

    ps fathers can have BPD also. Its just more common in females. post anytime. hope this helps

    Tony   WK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    22 February 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hello Celtic Chic

    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. I hope we can help you. Tony has given you a great reply.

    I have read a little about BPD and I learned of a book called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea how helpful it is but it may be useful. It is written by Shari Y Manning Ph.D and I gather she has BPD. So there may be some insights that could be useful.

    As Tony has said, the problems lie with those who refuse to acknowledge their illness. And this is true of anyone who refuses to believe they are unwell.

    When you went to various counselling sessions, was that with your husband and/or about him, or was that on your own account because of the strain of living with him? If you have not received any counselling for yourself it may be useful to do so. At the very least it will help clarify your feelings.

    Take car

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Celtic Chic
    Celtic Chic avatar
    4 posts
    5 March 2015 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary. I've been to family counselling, physchologist sessions, mental health team discussions but it's always been about his problems.

     I've never talked to anyone about me though.  Thank you for your suggestion.

     

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Carmela
    Carer champion
    • Family/friends of loved ones with anxiety/depression who have volunteered their time to support other carers here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Carmela avatar
    183 posts
    6 March 2015 in reply to Celtic Chic

    Hi Celtic Chic, its time to bring the focus on you now and that of your children. I support both Mary and Tony's comments regarding counselling etc for there are children involved, however, if you feel that you have exhausted all avenues, it is time to make some decisions.  Some points made to me through my challenging times that help me to assess my own relationship were:

    1. It is NOT OK to accept criticism, abuse or neglect. Do not let anyone takeaway the essence of who you are. You have the right to thrive in your life and cultivate an environment of happiness and love.

    2. You do not own your partners mental health issues.  It is his to accept and manage.  You can only support. 

    3. Be mindful of your own mental health and take steps to ensure it is strong. Living with someone with mental health challenges can take its toll. I feel you already know this. It is time to make some positive steps towards changing your life and that of your children.  Remember - happy mum, happy children. 

    I hope l have helped in some way.

    Grace&Harmony

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Chris B
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1758 posts
    11 March 2015 in reply to Celtic Chic

    Hi Celtic Chic,

    I hope you're still finding the forums useful. In addition to the threads White Knight has suggested above, you might want to take a look at these - living with someone who has BPD is a topic that has come up before, and you may find some valuable insights below. Feel free to revive any of these:

    Coping with a partner with BPD/Depression 

    Advice: how to help BPD sufferers 

    Finding it difficult to cope with BPD spouse 

     




  7. MichelleCE
    MichelleCE avatar
    1 posts
    30 March 2015 in reply to Celtic Chic

    Hi CC - I've just joined this site to try and get some help with my husband, he sounds similar to yours but hasn't been diagnosed because 'there's nothing wrong with him'. He refuses to go to a doctor or therapist, alone or with me.

    Your post has helped me as sometimes it seems like I'm the only one dealing with something like this, and often I've blamed myself for not 'doing enough' to help him out.

    Although I have been married for nearly 30 years - with many rocky times due to the terrible highs and lows my husband swings with - no-one in his family thought to tell me of his grandfather exhibiting the same symptoms as he is!  If I had known of this earlier, so much of what is happening with him would have made sense and a lot of pain would have been avoided.

    I feel sorry for our children, although they had a loving upbringing and their father was a generous and good provider it was also one of walking on eggshells and now as adults they have memories of no-one being able to relax in our house if dad was around, definitely no playmates over because 'dad might have something for them to do'.

    I hope you find some comfort in others stories and also the advice given to the resource items online, I know I certainly have!

     Best of luck :) Michelle x

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Celtic Chic
    Celtic Chic avatar
    4 posts
    15 June 2015
    I thank everyone for their kind words of support but I still feel trapped. Even worse now I have been off work for a couple of months with a torn lower lumber disc and because of my job I don't when I will get back. I found out that he owes over $18,850 in unpaid car fines.  When all the letters came he told me would sort it.  Then it was I've phoned it will just take time to process all the fines. Last week I found a letter saying all avenues are exhausted. He also got convicted of fraud by falsely claiming TAC whilst working. I feel such an idiot because I knew nothing. Letters we're shredded as soon as they came and his phone I always cleared of history. Nobody knows this side of him. He is the lifesndvsoul of the party. People love him. I'm just terrified we are going to loose everything because he keeps up this facade telling everyone he is bipolar he will never admit he has BPD.his 40birthdaynis this weekend. He wants to gout for lavish meal an expects everyone to pay for him. Some of our friends have kids same ages as ours they can't afford this. Neither can we. Im feeling so angry, depressed and in so much pain that I don't want to be threre for him. He is ever there for me. We haven't had any form of intamcythis year. I had to buy my own birthday gift and he forgot our anniversary. I feel so alone and hurt. I used to love him so much but I don't think i do anymore. I want to hurt him by ruining his party and showing his friends and parents what he really is like. But that makes me bad and I'm not.im just sore, lonely and hurt. 
  9. Celtic Chic
    Celtic Chic avatar
    4 posts
    31 July 2015
    I finally am getting myself sorted. I'm seeing my own physchologist and I have unfortunately realised that I can't stay in this marriage anymore. He says he's going to get help but it's too late. I have let him know that once I get a property for my girls and myself then the family home has to be sold. His reply to this was he wasn't prepared to live that and house had to be put in market now and he didn't care if me and girls had to sleep in a car. That was the final nail in the coffin for me. I can understand some of his behaviour is down to his disorder but a lot of it is just plain nasty. I feel bad for wanting to leave but we are going round and round in circles and I don't really think that any counselling he gets will improve the way he acts. 
  10. LML
    LML avatar
    36 posts
    13 August 2015 in reply to Celtic Chic

    The resources I have found helpful:

    Daily face book blog – lots of topics & insights Bipolar Burble with Natasha Tracey

    Daily face book blog –BPHope

    You tube video Living with Bipolar – for carers & lived experience (excellent)

    You tube video Bipolar Disorder - Lecture 2014 - Dr. Patrick McKeon - the basics

    Book for partners – 2nd edition (apparently use everything except the medications chapter), available on kindle too. This book is actually kind & acknowledges you'll probably be working thru it alone. Excellent framework for how to move forward as a couple. Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Second edition

    For me – talks on lots of subjects not aimed at mental health called TED talks

    For me – 10 minute meditations – 10 for free to get you started & you can do them more than once on the internet search headspace dot com

    Financial adviser -the most sensible & liberating thing I have done for myself even tho I thought I couldn't afford it.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Annamx123
    Annamx123 avatar
    1 posts
    4 September 2018

    Wow I have appreciated so much of what I have read in this forum. Thank you.

    I am the close friend and support to a family who is struggling with a paternal parent who has BPD. There are three children in the home who range from 13, 9 and 18 months. One is suicidal and angry, one is just diagnosed ADHD and emotionally not okay and the third is a baby. He has attempted suicide once and struggles severely with his illness. It breaks my heart seeing him suffer and I do all I can (which feels like not enough always) to be a positive and supportive friend to him.

    The reason i come to you wisely experiences people is not him but my beautiful best friend and the overwhelmingly suffering she is being swallowed by.

    this illness like so many has only victims and harm it seems. I am struggling to know even my own line in what someone should endure at the hand of mental illness. I don’t know if I am being fair or neglectful in my weak contradicting words of value, kindness and boundaries that all clash so heavily when trying to navigate a path with her.

    so I have these questions to help us gain the longer term bigger picture...

    what sort of harm is the most difficult to prevent toward children from a BPD father?

    what boundaries are okay and fair?

    Mare there any key statements to use or avoid in conversations with him when he is articulating how bad things are at the hand of his family (who in fact are amazing) that will help not harm?

    how do I help her? I am present, well read on the subject, practical and hopefully helping in some way. But it’s not nearly enough. Not for any of them. If she were being treated this way by someone not suffering BPD I would cry from the rooftop to leave and work that process with her. But can I do that when he is ill? I am struggling so much. THEY are struggling so much

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