Hi Celtic Chic, welcome to Beyond Blue forums
I spent most of my 59 years under the "spell" of a BPD mother. That is, an undiagnosed BPD mother. See, she was always in full denial, to this day at 83 years old and always stubborn. My sister and I stopped seeing her 5 years ago and sadly we will never see her again!!
Friends and relatives think we are cruel. They have heard mothers excuses, blown out of proportion tales and lies and she is soooo convincing. Manipulation is her most powerful weapon among her arsenal. But as I repeat to my relatives "only the children of a BPD mother can know the terrible effect she has had on us".
BPD sufferers reading this please understand that ones in denial that are full of destruction of others lives may not refer to you. Nothing personal here.
When someone wont get diagnosed you are simply left with assumptions and Dr Google. One such realisation that confirmed to me the seriousness of mothers illness was an extract from a book called "walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson. In her book she claims she discovered 4 personalities associated with BPD or part thereof.
Google "witch,queen,hermit and waif" you will be surprised what you end up reading about those 4 people. My mother I believe has all 4 and all of them are strong clear cut characters.
In the end as we often say here "you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink" that leads to "take care of yourself when the horse doesnt drink"!!! Meaning at the end of your journey of despair and pain, look after yourself because he isnt treating you as number one.
Nobody wants to recommend a family split. That is for you to decide. Relationships Australia or similar counselling should be sort, as would any measures to make sure he has had every opportunity. Give him that. Once you are truly at the end of the line preserve yourself and your children and always endeavour to maintain a healthy communication line with him for the sake of your children. But never take abuse, nor excuses once he has had all the opportunities.
You can use search feature above to read other threads I've written here that could be of interest (even if you only read the first post)-
controlling your life- how important is it?
emotional blackmail- likely extreme BPD
children of mothers of BPD
Does stubbornness have a place?
Is there room for stubbornness?
ps fathers can have BPD also. Its just more common in females. post anytime. hope this helps