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Topic: I don't know how to help my 15 year old daughter - everything I do makes thing worse

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dani E
    Dani E avatar
    1 posts
    19 August 2018

    We didn’t notice the fog circling around our daughter’s ankles when she was a very small child. Its fingers would curl lightly, caressing, ebbing and flowing. We mistakenly believed these tendrils originated from elsewhere – the dark influence of another child. An unloved, uncontrollable, insecure child. When the haziness came too close it was easily blown away with excuses about her quirkiness, tiredness, intensity.
    If we had been more observant we would have known this was her fog. We would have noticed its plumes grow bigger and stronger – always circling – always looking for a way in.
    When she was 15 she experienced the emotional upheaval of a best friend turned mean girl. Her friend avoided her to spend time with lighter, happier, frothier girls. It was a blow that left a gaping hole in her sense of self, and the thick clouds rushed in. Most teenage girls must navigate the brutality of their own kind. Most find enough joy in the world to blow the heaviness away and move on. Our daughter could not. Once it began to seep in, it became sticky, heavy and foul, attaching itself to every part of being.
    She was unable to repair the hole or blow the heaviness away. It continued to build in her, dense and immovable. It trailed her everywhere she went, now clearly visible. She became fearful of everything. For most around her, it was repellent and more and more they avoided her. Our tight embraces did little to help and with each touch the darkness seeped into our being.

    I am so afraid she will never experience lightness again – that she will forever find her life heavy and difficult. My terror is that it becomes too heavy. I am used to being able to fix things with a wise word, strong embrace or setting parental boundaries. None of these work. Each solution I frantically put in place seems to open up a hole elsewhere, allowing more fog to permeate through her being. I don’t know how to help. Please, please please – how can I help.

  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    smallwolf avatar
    4428 posts
    25 August 2018 in reply to Dani E

    Dani E,

    Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. Sorry about the delayed response. Your writing is somewhat poetic in the way you describe your daughter problems as a fog enveloping her. I am also familiar with what you described as "Most
    teenage girls must navigate the brutality of their own kind
    ".

    If you don't mind me asking a few questions...

    the fog that you talk about around your daughter... in what ways is this fog visible? choice of music? dress? eating? mood? attention? loneliness? other?

    Is she doing OK in school?

    Has or can your daughter tell you about whatever problems are present? And I dont want you to read anything into the next part, but listen intently to what your daughter says. Maybe just ask her "Are you OK?", or "what are you thinking about?" Maybe she is thinking about the world, or her future?

    Does your daughter have anyone to talk to about her feelings?

    Maybe the power of word and speech might help to remove some of the fog?

    Connections!

    Tim

  3. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4428 posts
    28 August 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Dani E,

    Just wondering how you and your daughter are going? Please let me know?

    Thanks,

    Tim

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    8275 posts
    28 August 2018 in reply to Dani E

    Dan E,

    I too find your post poetic . Small wolf has written a post with helpful suggestions.

    I could relate from your daughters point of you because my parents too did not know how they could help me. It can be frightening for parents to see their child suffering and feeling helpless they can not change their precious child.

    I feel things can get better if you get the right help. Does your daughter like writing and keeping a journal. Writing really helped me .

    Have you spoken to anyone to get some help? there are many threads and resources on here that may be of interest to you.

    Quirky

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