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Topic: I need help to understand my partner's behaviour

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Coraline08
    Coraline08 avatar
    1 posts
    26 September 2018

    Hello everyone.

    First time for me on a forum. But I need help. I have been with my partner for 3 years. It has been a year since he le is depression. It is really hard to see him acting like a stranger towards me and it does hurt me a lot.

    I do not recognise the person I fall in love With. My partner is now really negative, pessimistic, not showing any affection at all. I’m trying to be present for him and to understand but it is hard. He is pushing me away, telling me « means » thing. I’m trying to get him to see someone. This situation is getting harder every day. I do not want to leave him but I just feel in a one way relationship now. Can anyone help me to maybe understand and rationalise?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1487 posts
    27 September 2018 in reply to Coraline08

    Hi Coraline08

    I welcome you with open arms and a warm smile. I must say, what a beautiful person you are, to be so concerned about your partner, yourself and the health of your relationship. Yes, when one person in a relationship suffers from depression, it is typical that both members end up suffering in their own way. I experienced depression for some years, before eventually coming out of it, which certainly tested my husband's devotion and endurance. He's one seriously tough cookie, which explains why why we're still together.

    What you are experiencing (a sense of loneliness, disconnection or lack of affection, negativity, cruel talk etc) your partner is also experiencing in his own head. That cruel self-talk can certainly be torturous. Whilst love, unity and energy or a sense of drive are expressions of the soul, they are also expressions of the chemistry surging around up there in our head. If the chemistry is off, this will often be expressed through our words, actions and sometimes our over all health. Having been both inside and outside of depression, it definitely is like being a whole different person.

    Some folk can be quite proud, believing that if they admit they have a problem they are admitting to failing at life in some way. Deny the problem, deny the sense of failure. Sometimes, it's not until people hit rock bottom that they admit they have a problem they are unable to deal with on their own. By the way, the only real failure present in depression is that which involves neglecting to take the first step on a path to recovery. If your partner does feel as though admitting to needing help is like admitting he's 'a failure', this may explain why he perhaps resents your constructive advice in regard to seeing someone. Passive steps might have more of an impact, in his case. Wondering if he might be a little more open to reading literature on depression (the facts) or perhaps there's a way to persuade him to get onto the forums here, where he can remain anonymous. With depression being a lonely experience, to get support from people who he can relate to might provide some turning point for him, in getting help. Just reading what others say and not writing anything himself could be a start.

    It's important you continue to seek support too Coraline08. For you to avoid being pulled into a depression (that dark place) stay in the light, by enlightening yourself through education regarding this form of mental dis-ease.

    Take great care of yourself

    1 person found this helpful
  3. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    27 September 2018 in reply to Coraline08

    Dear Coraline

    I am so pleased to meet you. Welcome to the forum. This is your first time here but you have given us a good picture of what is happening for you. It can be scary so congratulations.

    I often suggest to people that they read the information available on beyondblue to make informed choices. Start by looking under The Facts at the top of the page. Explore what is available and download what you want. You will need to send for the booklets but there is no charge. Lots of good information. Perhaps your partner can read some which may help him to talk to his GP.

    Without being sexist I find men are often more reluctant than women to ask for help. They may think they appear weak for asking, that depression can be overcome by will power, but that is not as easy as it sounds. This has a bad effect on family members but I suggest you do not take it personally (even though it's difficult). From my experience of depression it may be your partner does not realise how unhappy all this is making you.

    At this stage I think what he needs is someone to talk to, to let out all his feelings without the other person trying to 'fix' him. It is a powerful way to help your partner, just sitting and listening. You cannot change him unless he is ready to change. Please just be there. Suggesting he visit his doctor at this stage will pull up his defences and make him more determined to manage on his own.

    Look at the BB information. There is information there for family and friends on how to help a family member. I think it will help you. In the meantime continue to post here for your support. You do need someone to talk to so perhaps you can see your GP for more support. I know I have said this already but it is important. Although your partner needs help he will not go until he is ready. Simply be there and ready to listen. I know it's hard not to tell him to get help. Let him see you care and he will start to talk to you. That's the first step.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful

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