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Topic: Living / not living or coping anymore with husbands depression

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Chickie64
    Chickie64 avatar
    3 posts
    13 September 2018

    I’m looking for some guidance ....I don’t know how to manage the effects of depression with my husband of 28 yrs anymore. I’ve supported and propped and cared for -offered advice and solutions and yet he seems to go deeper despite medication and options open which he won’t avail himself of. I am a Nurse who works in a Chronic illness field supporting others so it’s beyond frustrating I can’t seem to help my own husband.

    He’s sad most of the time and relies on me as his only support.

    He goes to a counselling only as I insist but never seems to move forward or want to continue. Has moved away from family and friends over the years .....has been retrenched many times , has back issues and it all just compounds together into a pile of no self worth . I feel I am detaching more and more and at times think about leaving him but financially he would not be able to function at all.

    I really have just had it after the last 15 years of these patterns ....any help would be appreciated . 😞

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9194 posts
    13 September 2018 in reply to Chickie64

    Dear Chickie64~

    15 years of this is a lot more than many people could deal with, I guess you are a strong and capable person, however nobody is an inexhaustible well of care and endurance. Too much and one becomes ill oneself. There is a temptation not only to expect more than is possible of oneself but also have a (undeserved but strong) feeling of failure if things do not work out.

    You wonder why you can have successes at work with those that have chronic conditions but cannot succeed with your husband. I'm sure you are aware it is a different sort of relationship and it may be your husband does not have enough motivation to do more.

    Looking at myself I can see that it was basically my efforts - yes of course I had tons of help and support - that allowed me to improve. Seeking and accepting medical professionals that clicked, taking the meds despite side effects with the early ones, doing the exercises, trying to do more in the world, accepting responsibility for my partner's welfare and so on, I"m sure you know what I mean. I'm nothing special, there are crowds and crowds who have done what I have, probably better.

    I had two driving things to spur me on, first the place I was in was so frightening, horrible and unpleasant I wanted out - and treatment was a way. Second I felt very guilty about the way I was and had been treating my partner - I did not want her hurt.

    Looking at what you say about your husband I get the feeling he is coasting, not trying -my apologies if I've got that wrong. True he may have had employment and back problems, it does indeed have an effect, however if he is not trying then perhaps you might consider some ways to make him start.

    I don't know how, you would have a much better idea - what do you think?

    The other thing I'd like to mention is that when my wife (also a nurse) was having to cope with me - and work - and look after the offspring - and run the house etc she had her mum on hand. This made an enormous difference, both in terms of practical help, but maybe more importantly as moral and emotional support. Do you have anyone to support you?

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Doolhof avatar
    8099 posts
    13 September 2018 in reply to Chickie64

    Hi Chickie64,

    Welcome to the community here on the forum. I am sure there are many people who can relate to what you have written. I am so sorry you and your husband have both had to endure mental health issues, he as a sufferer and you as a person living with someone suffering.

    Depression can be such a horrible illness, it can sap you of any sense of wanting to be positive, of having motivation and the determination to do much of anything.

    Lately I have been doing some reading on Behavioural Activation. I am needed to research how to find your "get up and go when it has gotten up and gone".

    I'm realising I just have to push myself to do things. The longer I sit in the depression, the more it is reinforced in my mind and the harder it is to get out of the rut and do anything else.

    Is it possible for you to do nice things for yourself, to treat yourself now and then, to pamper yourself in some way.

    Caring for someone with a mental health issue can be tiring. Maybe if you find ways to feel better within yourself, you may be able to have more energy to help your husband.

    Wishing you well in which ever way you decide to go.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Chickie64
    Chickie64 avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2018 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    thanks for the response - at times I think he is coasting yes - I’ve always been the doer the rock the one who instigated and just has to get it done no matter what.

    Hes not a bad person at all but I feel it’s easy for me to rescue tbh. Now it’s a pattern. I wonder what will make him move off the nail cause we’ve been in all sorts of bad scenarios financially and I’m the glue .

    No I don’t have and haven’t had the support - I’ve not shared it all with my family as they like to make judgemental comments about him and are in another country.

    I feel it’s just not in me anymore to even expect some change which saddens me .

    I am

    not convinced his latest medication is doing a lot either or his diet which frustrates me again 😕

  5. Chickie64
    Chickie64 avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you Dools

    i try to do things for me when I can and have boundaries but sometimes honestly I just feel like screaming out what about me ! Who nurtures me and makes me feel safe and secure 😩

    I tell him he is sad and he just looks confused .

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