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Topic: My boyfriend has severe depression and I need support

  1. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    22 May 2016
    Hi everyone. I'm feeling very lost with my situation. My boyfriend of 3.5 years has depression, and I'm not coping very well. He switches between sleeping all day AND night, to sleeping during the day but being up all night, so most of the time our sleeping patterns don't match and I rarely get to see him during the day. On the odd occasion he'll be able to wake up in the morning and do things during the day. We sleep in different rooms, however we do sometimes sleep together, but it has to be in his bed in the back room. He's taking 6 different antidepressants each day, he has body tremors in bed, sweats profusely in bed, gets irritable very easy, has no sex drive, doesn't cook or clean and expects me to go to the supermarket to buy food, otherwise he'll continuously buy take away food and get it delivered. It's a huge strain on me, and at times I just can't handle it. I have a disability and suffer from tiredness, depression and lack of motivation, just to name a few. His depression was improving recently after starting his 6th medication, but now it's just back to sleeping a lot again.Whenever he drinks, he does it to the point of passing out. Whenever he's awake, he just plays the xbox or watches Netflix in the back room. I feel lonely. He does have his good days, but they aren't often. He doesn't give me much affection, and often pushes me away, and he's quite critical of what I do and don't do. My mum and friends don't understand why I put up with this, and I know it's not my responsibility to look after his well-being, but he has actually done something about it and stuck to it since I've been with him. I've been encouraging him to never give up, and he's made the effort to go to Dr's appointments and tell them if he sees no improvement.I do love him very much, but it's very hard on me at times, and I've never experienced someone with this severe depression. I don't really know what I'm asking for, I just need support.
  2. blondguy
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    22 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hello Stuck

    Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Im Paul and have had depression since the late 90's and it can be a mongrel of an illness. I understand where you are coming from and what you are going through.

    The symptoms are all there for sure including the night sweats which are a pain. Even with depression he should be having some respect for you too as a carer. The continuous buying of take away would bug me too.

    Can I ask you Stuck....Does he have any anxiety attacks and if he does how bad are they? Also...how long has he been on the Anti-Depressants for? Sorry...last question...how often are his visits to his GP/Therapist?

    The irritability and being overly critical of you are signs of a person with depression but has this continued even after his treatment started? You don't need this behavior and depression is no excuse for him being this way towards you.

    If you scroll to bottom of this page you will see a Header 'Supporting Someone' This can be a great tool for you.

    You reaching out is a sign of great strength...Well done to you:-) There are many super kind people on the forums that suffer depression. It would be great if you could post back!

    Kind Thoughts

    Paul

  3. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    22 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you for your response, Paul.

    He doesn't have anxiety attacks, but he has suffered from anxiety when he was younger. He's been on his antidepressants since late 2013, however the first one prescribed was not doing anything, so he had to do a few changes of medication. It's been only in the past year that he's been given multiple antidepressants to take. His Dr sees him every 2 months to check how he's going with the medications. He has been critical of me even after starting the medication. Out of everything he does, that affects my self esteem the most. He swears at me and I tell him I don't like the way he speaks to me, but he still continues.

    I came across this sites by luck. I was googling how to deal with a partner pushing me away and there was a link to this. I was hoping to find an online support group for this because I need advice and support.

  4. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    22 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    I've also already checked out the Supporting Someone advice. It was good, but I feel better speaking with real people going through or having experienced similar situations and most importantly, remaining anonymous.
  5. blondguy
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    22 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck...I really appreciate your response. The forums are very very secure...I have only been on here since January and was mega nervous to post. Its probably one of the best moves I have made as I needed some support and wanted also to provide support because I have had this illness for so long.

    I have seen many posts similar to yours and a lot worse. As a sufferer of depression I find it sad that he is still 'venting' his anger (being overly critical to you..his support person) on you.

    I see that your boyfriend has being seeing his doc every two months which is good....If I may ask you....does your boyfriend see a psychologist at all? I am sorry to ask another question...but it will help me try to help you......when your partner is critical of you....does he raise his voice at all?.....yell...loudly?

    Th reason I ask this is because it seems that he still has a lot of built up anger in his system which should not be directed at you......Depression is no excuse for what you are going through Stuckinmud.

    I know you love him and are a kind and patient carer too.....but...

    Your health is paramount and all other considerations are secondary

    By the way...I am happy that you came across our forums by luck....You have just made my day :-)

    We are here for you

    Paulx

  6. blondguy
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    23 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck...

    How do you communicate with your boyfriend with depression? Good question...and a difficult one to do even as the good carer you are.

    I know that you mentioned that he is overly critical and I posted above that even with depression its no excuse for a guy to be treating you the way he is....If its okay can I mention again what I said above so we can try to help you?........

    The reason I ask if your boyfriend is seeing a psychologist is because it seems that he still has a lot of
    built up anger in his system which should not be directed at
    you......Depression is no excuse for what you are going through Stuckinmud.

    We are here for you

    Paul

  7. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Thank you. I've replied twice already to your previous post but it isn't showing. He doesn't see a psychologist. He's seen one about a year ago but said it did nothing for him.
  8. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    If finally worked.

    In response to your other question, he doesn't yell at me when he criticises, only when he's telling me to shove off (the moderators won't let me post the actual word he says) when I touch him and he doesn't want to be touched. He also jabs me with his elbow and pushes me away with his foot when he wants to push me away.

  9. blondguy
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    23 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck....sorry about your responses...unfortunately they don't go through straight away....being subject to moderation.

    Okay....I have had severe depression since 1997 and see a psychologist every 3 months and my GP every month for a check up.

    How would your boyfriend go getting regular (even monthly) appointments with a counselor. Its only my opinion as a sufferer but he really needs to make an appointment ....If he really wants to heal he will book in asap...Regular visits will help him recover properly and thus improve your relationship/communication levels.

    I am glad you posted back Stuck....sorry about the system....the posts are checked to protect your privacy and security so you can post in a secure environment. I had a few posts that went invisible a few nights ago...I feel your pain..If I may ask....does your boyfriend talk or raise his voice at you? (if thats okay)

    We are here for you....

    Paul

  10. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    He doesn't raise his voice when criticising me, but his tone of voice is sometimes mean.
  11. blondguy
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    23 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    I was the same grumble bum before I started have my psychologist (female) kick me many times for doing the same.

    The depression will decrease...that much I do now as a sufferer....the AD's are a huge help but not a 'total fix' The meds are a huge help but not a 'total fix'....They provide a sufferer with a platform on which they can heal with regular visits to a doc/therapist. Nearly 20 years of depression here. But sometimes a sufferer needs to feel worse before they can get better....

    Same as going to a dentist....we have to go through pain before we can heal.....

    I understand where you are coming from Stuck....You also have your own health which comes first.

    You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish :-) I just hope I am being of some help..

    Kind Thoughts

    Paulx

  12. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Thank you. I just don't know what to do. He's quite stubborn and easily offended. I've tried talking about how his depression affect ls me and he gets defensive.
  13. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    And how long is this going to last? Will be never want to cuddle again? Will be ever make me a first priority? How do I get him to stop criticising me and physically pushing me away?
  14. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    23 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Well, today just proves how selfish he is. I'm sick with a cold, feeling very weak and shaky, and I am him if he can go buy me some food because we don't have much in the house, and he says no, because he feels cold! I'm bloody sick and unable to move much, and his reasoning for not fulfilling the only request I ask of him is because he's cold. Fml. Sorry. I can't count the amount of times he asks me to make a special trip to buy him food because he's sick or not wanting to get out of bed, and when I reject it, he says that he would do it for me if I asked. Yeah right. He's just proven that he won't. I hope he remembers this next time he requests the same from me again. 😢
  15. blondguy
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    24 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck

    Depression can last a long time. BUT I can improve with regular therapy so he doesnt treat you this badly.

    Even with depression he shouldnt be expecting you to be a courier for him and treating you the way he is.

    He needs more therapy and if you are with him it may be a bonus as he is being somewhat selfish and cruel in his behavior.

    Depression is no excuse for behaving the way he is

    Thanks for posting back Stuck

    Paul

  16. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    24 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you so much for your help. It's been a relief to get this off my chest.

    How would I go about suggesting therapy to him, since he's been to a few sessions in the past and hated it.

  17. blondguy
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    25 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck

    No worries and ta for posting back :-)

    Therapy can be initially difficult as the doc will be asking some questions of your boyfriend 'to enable him to vent and dump some (or all) of the anger and frustration he has been carrying on his shoulders'

    Once he has committed to regular therapy...and sticks with it....he will start to heal. When I started I also found it difficult until the doc asked a few trigger questions that had me crying like a baby. (Venting out my thoughts) Thats why the docs have tissues there....for when the person starts to cry...if they do..

    Maybe offer to go with him? Your boyfriend may be expecting a quick fix..no such thing. It took me about 3 months of weekly counseling (and occasional crying) to 'get it' and understand that I felt like a new person because the doc kept pushing the right buttons.

    Sometimes we have to feel worse before we get better! No pain...no gain....

    I hope he agrees to regular visits and really opens up with his counselor

    Go for it:-)

    Paul

  18. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    25 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you. Like I said, he's been to a few sessions in the past, but I don't really know what happened during them. His depression didn't get any better during that time, but it may have been because he wasn't taking the right medication. He told me that the therapist was discussing about his previous marriage, as he carries a bit of anger from that, but I dint think she was talking to him about the emotional abuse he suffered as a child from his dad. He was very reluctant to speak about that with me for a very long time. As you would know, the abused often defend their parents, even if they're the cause of the abuse. I don't know if I should speak to his mum about how I feel. She's a nice woman and is supportive, even though she doesn't know what it's like to be depressed.

    I think dealing with the painful feelings and talking about them is too much for him and he just wants to avoid it. Whenever there's conflict in the relationship and I'm feeling ill treated and try to discuss it, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it, even though he knows that I do deserve better treatment. I'm at a loss at what to do.

  19. blondguy
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    25 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hey Stuck...

    Now its getting clearer...I had the same anger issues as was used as was abused a child too. You can only do so much here....

    Talking with his mum sounds like a good plan...If you scroll to the bottom of the page under 'The Facts' click on depression and copy & paste it...print it out.....have a calm and nice visit with her and let her read it...Depression is a mongrel of an illness to articulate face to face with anyone!

    Maybe a good idea? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain....It also shows his mum that you care very much and are trying so very hard to help her son:-)

    Thanks for elaborating on his previous marriage and the abuse he went through. I was a bit like your boyfriend year ago...stand offish and anti doctors...and angry. Now its clear.....he really needs to vent big time to a doc/therapist he trusts.....

    Im thinking....

    Paulx

  20. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    25 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you. Your help is very much appreciated.

    From what he's told me about his ex wife, she crossed a few lines with the things she did, and my boyfriend felt like they had to get married because it was the next step after engagement. He said he wasn't even excited to get married. They only lasted 6 months after the wedding. He was the one that left the relationship. Even though it was his decision, I know it would have hurt him very much, and adding to his depression.

    It's going to be challenging to find someone he trusts to talk to about everything. He's only just told a friend of his that he suffers grin depression, and they've been friends for many years. It was a surprise to hear him finally open up about it.

    The abuse from his dad is a very big issue. When his dad comes to visit (he lives in another state ), they both get drunk and my boyfriend gets upset and expresses his disappointment. It's quite sad for me to hear. His dad doesn't really try to resolve the issue. I cry inside when I think of how his dad treated him.

  21. blondguy
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    25 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    You do care so much and feel so much for him...I can feel your pain...

    Interesting that he has told a friend that he suffers from depression....thats a huge step forward...

    There is only so much you can do right now Stuck....Treatment for depression can only be started with the sufferers commitment and dedication to heal himself....Your input is limited. You can only be understanding and there for him.....not to 'enable' his condition .

    Paul x

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    27 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you.

    I feel so depressed with this. He's been irritable today and I just feel so lonely. I've had recently memories that were unpleasant come into discussion today with my mum, and it's made me feel worse. These memories are of my boyfriend drinking too much beer every night while we were in Bali in March, and his drinking caused a lot of issues. It upsets me that he's so dependant on alcohol. He won't attend any event of mine unless there's alcohol there. He believes he isn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink all day, every day, but I think he is, with his dependency for it. If he had to make the decision between a night with me or a night drinking alcohol, he would choose the alcohol. It truly devastates me.

  23. blondguy
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    27 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hey Stuck

    I have just read your post a few times...he does seem to be self-medicating with the alcohol....just my opinion of course but I hear you loud and clear.

    Have you had any thoughts about having a relaxed chat with his mum? Just wondering..thats all..

    Paul

  24. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    27 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Sorry if my post seemed confusing. It was very late last night that I wrote it.

    I've spoken with his mum in the past, but there's not a lot she can do, as he won't listen to her. He loves his mum, and I think she's the only one he's protective of, but crosses a line that I never would ever do with my mum. He tells her to ..... off if he's in a bad mood. So she doesn't have much influence.

  25. Kathryne
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    132 posts
    27 May 2016

    Hi Stuck

    I'm sorry to read of your issues with your partner.

    As Paul said depression is a terrible disorder. It changes the person hugely.

    It is a long slow process to recovery sometime it's 3 steps forward and 2 back even 4 back.

    My commitment to my husband who suffers with depression at times can be stressful and stretched to the limit.

    As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. Well that is what our journey has been. He had to want to get help. For years he denied any depression said he was stressed tired anything rather than a mental health issues.

    I find the most useful and important aspect is to allow the person space when it's needed and to ensure my sanity by ensuring I self care. You can not help if you're stressed out and stretched beyond you're limits.

    See someone for your self to provide you with guidance

    Regards Kathryne

  26. blondguy
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    27 May 2016 in reply to Kathryne

    Hey Kathryne and Stuck :-)

    Stuck...no worries....we are here for you.....always..:-)

    Kathryne...Thankyou so much for being here and articulating what I was fumbling to say :-)

    Love you guys xx

    Paul

  27. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Kathryne
    Thank you Kathryne. The thing is, I do give my boyfriend space. I give him so much space that I hardly ever see him at all. He just stays in the back room in the spare bed watching tv or playing xbox ALL THE TIME. This has gone on for over 2 years. I'm over it. I am lonely. I want to be hugged and not frowned at all the time, or criticised. I'm a sensitive person with a loving soul, and he makes me feel like I'm a burden on him. He calls me a bumhead instead of something nice like beautiful or sweetie or honey. I broke down in tears yesterday. I want to be loved.
  28. Lightbeam
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    33 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Dear Stuck

    I have been reading your posts & wanted to offer you my support. Your last post of " I want to be loved" just about made me cry. It is what I said to my ex-partner time & time again, he would tell me he did love me but his relationship with depression was stronger & his actions never reflected his words.

    Only you can decide what is best for you, trust your own judgement. Have enough faith & confidence in yourself to set boundaries with him to let him know that speaking to you in an angry, nasty manner & name calling isn't going to be tolerated. You deserve to be treated better than that.

    The hardest decision I ever had to make was walking away from someone I loved (and still love) so dearly because of his inability to deal with his mental health. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally & I still worry every day about him & the self destructive path he is heading down.

    Please know that you are not alone, there are so many wonderful, supportive & caring people on these forums who can offer great advice.

    My kindest thoughts are with you xx

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Stuckinmud
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    27 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Lightbeam

    Thank you very much.

    The sad thing is, he doesn't see what he calls me as name-calling. I've asked him in the past not to call me that, and he says that it's his way of being endearing to me, and thinks I should feel complimented by the word, but I don't. It's really made me feel down.

  30. Lightbeam
    Lightbeam avatar
    33 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    I hear you Stuck!

    When the person you love doesn't see how their behaviour is hurting you, it can be soul destroying can't it? Try to separate the person from the illness, sometimes it is the only way I have managed to keep myself together.

    Thinking of you x

    1 person found this helpful

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