Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: My boyfriend has severe depression and I need support

  1. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    28 May 2016 in reply to Lightbeam

    Thank you for caring x

    I'm trying to separate the person from the illness, but it's so difficult.

    He does little things that are nice, but the one thing that matters most to me, which is affection, is non existent. Then the unpleasant things I have to put up with like the alcohol dependency and the lack of appreciation is too much. I'm trying to stay strong, and I have for the last 3.5 years, but I'm finally crumbling.

  2. Winterfell
    Winterfell avatar
    83 posts
    29 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud
    When my husband was very irritable and depressed I started to realise I needed to be selfish and put myself first as otherwise I just resented him more and more. I started just doing the things I wanted to do and stopped trying to get him involved. I went out on the weekend to the shops with the kids, spent time with my family and friends and I began to feel less like I depended on him for wellbeing. Its not all rosy for us, he is an inpatient at the moment as he got to crisis point. I learnt a really good lesson about not trying to fix him and looking out for myself. It sounds like your partner has very little energy for himself and zero left over for you. Maybe accept if you want to stay with him this is just what it looks like right now and spend time doing things for yourself. Hugs to you, its a hard gig.
    3 people found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Doolhof avatar
    8018 posts
    29 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck in the Mud,

    As others have mentioned here, depression can be a soul destroying mongrel of an illness. Both my husband and I suffer from it, so our home life can be "interesting" at times.

    For me, I have realised that sometimes I give up the fight and it is easier for me to stay depressed than to try and fight to get out of it. Thankfully I see reason in the end and try to pull myself out of it.

    My Dr. is wonderful, such a help and very understanding. He has actually placed me in hospital a couple of times because I was just about at breaking point. That time in hospital helped me immensely.

    My husband dragged me off to the Dr. a few times. It was the best thing he did.

    When my husband is depressed, he shuts himself away and does not like me to be near him. I try to encourage him to get out now and then. Sometimes he goes off with his mates to watch movies and have dinner. At first I was really disappointed he did not take me, then I thought as long as he is getting out and enjoying himself that is the best thing.

    He would lay down on the couch and watch a lot of sport so I would take some craft, a book or whatever into the room to sit with him and chat during the commercials.

    It is really hard to push someone who does not have the energy to help themselves. Eating healthy meals is a good start. Can you get him out of the house for a walk? Exercise and fresh air will do you both good.

    Look after yourself in all of this. Would it be possible for you to spend a few days at your Mum's? Maybe some time alone might make him think about life differently. I don't know.

    Hope some of this helps!

    Wishing you both well, from Mrs. Dools

  4. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    29 May 2016
    One of my good friends just got engaged today, and as much as I should be happy, I'm not, and she understands that. I knew prior to this that she wanted me to be her maid of honour, and she's just spoken to me about it because she knows how I'm feeling in my life right now, and she doesn't want me to commit to it because I feel like I have to, and I honestly don't want to ruin her day with how I'm not coping with life. I feel like the best thing I can do is decline her offer. As much as it pains me, I just can't do it. I fear I may let her down if my feelings plummet.
  5. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    29 May 2016 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you.

    He doesn't care if I spent time away from him. He refuses to go for a walk with me, and he never make me a priority.

  6. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3433 posts
    29 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud
    Hi Stuckinmud, making sure you can manage your mental health is an important priority and if you choose to decline the offer, that's okay. Your friend sounds very understanding and supportive, perhaps you can speak with her about how you are feeling and divide the duties between your friends to share the load. If you need someone to talk to you can always call our Support Service: 1300 22 4636
  7. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to Sophie_M
    I have spoken to my friend but I don't want to think about current events anymore. I wish I'd never found out about her getting engaged. I've declined her offer to be maid of honour because I can't be the supportive person she needs. I don't even want to go to the wedding.
  8. Doolhof
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Doolhof avatar
    8018 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuckinthemud,

    It sounds like you are starting to become a little depressed yourself. It is tough looking after someone with a mental health issue.

    I'd like to suggest you use one of the phone help lines and chat to someone or go and see your Dr and have a chat with them.

    Read up on how to cope with a person suffering from depression as it is very important that you look after yourself in all of this.

    It can be difficult to be happy for others when you are in an unpleasant situation yourself. Maybe when it is time for the wedding you might like to attend. Time will tell.

    Look for ways to make your days more pleasant and enjoyable.

    All the best from Mrs. Dools

  9. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you. I will consider talking to someone.

    My friend lives in another state, so I'll have to decide pretty early whether I want to go or not. I hope I can stop thinking about it soon, because it's making me teary and sad.

  10. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    10722 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi Stuck

    I havent been on your thread for a couple of days...I see that you have had excellent advice since I have been on last...

    I understand you are doing it tough...I just read something that I have been trying to say.....

    Winterfell said: I learnt a really good lesson about not trying to fix him and looking
    out for myself. It sounds like your partner has very little energy for
    himself and zero left over for you..

    Besides Mrs Dools learned advice....Winterfell has really given some great no nonsense advice here...

    Always good to hear from you Stuck:-)

    Thanks for posting back too!

    Kind Thoughts

    Paul

  11. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    3 June 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Thank you. I have been learning how to communicate with my boyfriend, as I do struggle with saying something the wrong way, with many people. So far I've been able to ask him if he sees me as a long term partner and having a future with me, and he said yes, he's not going anywhere. We are very honest with each other, so I'm very glad to hear him say that. I just need to figure out how to improve some of my other communication skills.
  12. Stuckinmud
    Stuckinmud avatar
    27 posts
    6 June 2016 in reply to blondguy
    After a bit of time to try and get myself together, I've finally had an improvement in my mood, but I'm so scared that I will never be able to control my emotions. After the news of my friend's engagement, things have been a bit tense between a couple of friends and I. The friend who got engaged understands my feelings, however she did say a few days later that I acted extremely childish, and another friend of ours didn't seem too understanding of how I was feeling and talked quite aggressively to me, which made me recoil, because I began to feel angry and I will always distance myself if I feel that way, as I don't want to ever say something bad out of anger. So I haven't spoken to this friend since then and I don't feel so good about myself. I HATE myself. I don't know where to go from here.
  13. Helpmypartner
    Helpmypartner  avatar
    3 posts
    8 April 2019 in reply to Stuckinmud

    Hi stuck, I’ve just read your entire thread and all the comments that were made to you. I can honestly say that to almost every detail of what u have said I am in the exactly same positions with my bf. Like exactly, word for word.

    i don’t even know if u will see this or not as I’m not even sure how long ago this thread was posted

    i wish I could offer advice to you, unfortunately I feel just as useless as u feel about the situation, all that I can offer is a genuine 100% understanding of your situation and I am free to listen to any of your concerns.

    Hope you are well take care

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up