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Topic: My fiance is supporting ME during depression, but I'm worried about him

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. madds97
    madds97 avatar
    10 posts
    10 January 2020

    Hi everyone,

    I'm posting in this section to get advice from other carers, I'm the one going through mental illness, but I'm worried about the effect this is having on my partner.

    My partner seems to be not looking after himself. I know I don't look after myself at the moment - because of my mental illness, but he lately he has been neglecting self care (personal hygiene) and also not eating healthily or exercising (when he used to love the gym).

    I'm absolutely devastated that he is feeling like this, and I feel like its my fault. I should be able to look after myself and be okay. But I'm so depressed. And now I've made him and his life suffer terrible because of me.

    I've had a conversation with him about his health, and he says he feels embarrassed to go to the gym because of his current weight, and or just says that he is fine.

    What can I do? I want so badly for my health to improve mentally and psychically - and now I'm dragging down the one good thing in my life.

    I feel so guilty and hopeless.

  2. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1407 posts
    10 January 2020 in reply to madds97

    Hi madds97

    What you write tells me that you are obviously a beautiful and thoughtful person in a depression.

    When partners share a depression it can definitely be challenging for them to raise each other as well as themselves. Sounds a bit strange but definitely worth considering - How are we taught to raise each other? If you're thinking 'I don't think I was ever taught such a thing', join the club. People typically talk about 'raising kids' and that's the end of the discussion about raising people but how about the discussion regarding the skills involved in raising all folk (no matter their age)? Hmm, interesting question.

    Raising our self or someone else can sometimes mean presenting a challenge to rise to. Give you an example:

    Say you've always believed that you should care about what others think of you. Today I present you with the challenge of not caring. Yes, sounds simple but often it involves some complexity. Let's get more specific: I challenge or dare you to walk to the local shop without any shoes on. If you're used to thinking 'I need to wear shoes when I go out in public', are you going to care what strangers think of you not wearing shoes. Chances are you might care. Don't! Rising to such a simple challenge can prove liberating. It can lead us to feel like we're on the path of the rebel. You return home like a cheeky rebellious little kid with a smile on their face, thinking 'I can't believe I just did that'.

    What about if I challenge you grab your partner's hand and put your other hand around his waist and dance to no music playing in the lounge room, for 10 seconds. Would you be prepared to rise to such a challenge? Again, it may sound simple but perhaps it's outside your comfort zone. Do it anyway.

    Raising our self and others in little ways can be significant because it can become constant or a habit - rising to the challenges that create a little difference every day.

    Consider writing a challenge list with your partner (challenges you can conquer individually and together). Could be a seriously interesting exercise that brings you closer together in your quest for greater mental health.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. madds97
    madds97 avatar
    10 posts
    10 January 2020 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    You have no idea how much your reply means to me.

    Thank you for your kind words too.

    I love your ideas and that exercise. You have really inspired me. Thank you so so much.

    I am going to suggest that my partner and I go to the gym tonight - and workout together. I think he will be really happy.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    1 person found this helpful

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