Topic: My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down.  All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking.  When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you.  I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle  I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it?  Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.  

Hello boxhead, no matter how ill your wife is, physical abuse (or emotional abuse for that matter) is not acceptable under any circumstance, and boundaries need to be set. Perhaps because you have been with your wife for so long you are unable to see how serious things have gotten, this goes far beyond being 'just depressed'.  

Partners need suppot when living with someone who is long-term mentally unwell, so regardless of whether you feel you may be depressed in a medical sense, I think it would be a good idea for you to seek some support from a psychologist, but ideally it may be worth the two of you having a joint session to work out things in your marriage; it sounds like there may well be some underlying resentment and frustration (understandable) and if it doesn't get out in the open then things will only get worse from here I'm afraid.  How old is your daughter?

Hi boxhead (?)

Welcome to the forums. We get a lot of threads from carers, so you're not alone.

I suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and I've hit rock bottom a number of times. I can only imagine the worry, fear, resentment, frustration, and loneliness my partner has had to endure. So I completely get where you are coming from, it's a tough job and I don't think enough credit is given to those who love people with a mental illness.

I want to start by saying whether it's depression or something else, you're wife is emotionally unwell. It can be really difficult to see the world through the eyes of someone with ill mental health. They can't think rationally, logically, or practically, this is not by choice. It can be lonely, scary, ruin your self worth, resilience and tolerance, and put you in a place we're you feel raw, exposed, and unlovable. It's possible that the only way that your wife is able to cope with how she thinks and feels is to be defensive.

As you know, it's not easy to speak with someone who is defensive. Having said that communication is something that you will both need to work on together. It's not useful to take the "well it's easier if I shut up" route, and likewise it's not helpful for your wife to become sensitive to everything you say. 

I'm assuming that you're wife is seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist given the scenario you mentioned with her meds. Have you tried telling her that you love her and that you appreciate every thing she does for you and your family? This positive reassurance is important (don't forget she feels worthless). You could then let her know how important your relationship and your family is and because of this you'd like to get some support to help support her. You could offer to go to an appointment with her, or ask if she'd prefer you to see someone separate.

I know it's really difficult to be the one who feels like they're working hard, and making sacrifices. My partner is in a similar predicament. You also need to take time out for yourself, even if to go to the gym once a week, go for a bike ride, or join a walking group. You need time to refresh yourself. I also wonder whether you can lower your expectations of her for a little while. I know you see it as all she has to do is school drop offs and be a mum. From her perspective she struggles just to have a shower each day, so she may feel that she cant meet your expectations.

I hope some of this is helpful. Let us know your thoughts.

AG

dear Boxhead, I can totally sympathise with you because my wife was exactly the same and when I was already in depression but wearing a fake mask, she would tell me off or criticise me for no apparent reason.

When I said that we should talk, she said 'no Geoff you have to change'.

We are now divorced but we still talk and see each other, however it happened a couple of days ago, where the conversation began OK but then she was trying to get information out of me which wasn't my right to tell her, so she yelled at me and I hung up the phone, so she hasn't changed one bit.

We were never intimate the last 2 or 3 years of our marriage, and I do believe that she is like your wife in that she needs to have this dominant feature and probably depression attended to, but she won't because she is too strong minded.

In our marriage we lent her brother $66k over different periods of time, but now she denies that this ever happened, not what the bank statements say.

What I am concerned about is that your wife needs to keep changing her medication until one works, but also that you need to see your own doctor.

I do however understand that if her depression is bad enough then she won't be able to drop off and then pick up your daughter from school, because this illness is so strong it holds us back from doing anything.

I hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff.

hey Boxhead,

Just wanted to say hi and i am glad you are asking for some help. That's a huge step in itself. 

Firstly, i just want to say that i admire you and your determination for a more positive life. The fact that you work 9 hours a day, plus half a day a wknd, shows not only are you a hard worker, but i can see you want security for your family. Owning your own business can be hard work and also difficult at times. In life, our careers can not only be for income, but it can also be a way to escape from daily family issues that really need to be discussed, not swept under the carpet.

So in regards to your wife, i firstly want to say that i admire you and your strength in the realtionship. Being with someone with a mental illness is hard work. The roller coaster that one rides on when dealing with depression, anxiety and all mental illnesses can be scary, unpredictable and confusing. To be in a committed relationship isn't always easy at the best of times. Throw in some mental health issues on top of that then it can be more complicated.

My mother suffers from severe BPD, depression and anxiety. Dealing with her can be very traumatic at times. If she is manic then i am subjected to foul language, accusations, and really horrible things. The fact that this language comes from my own mother is very hard and upsetting. 

Then on the other hand, when she is depressed and anxious, she does a complete 180, and everyday activities become almost impossible to deal with. Getting out of bed and brushing her hair is too difficult for her. She would rather spend all day in bed, locked away from society and sleep. Her fears are irrational to everyone else, but for her they are terrifying but totally real. everything begins to snowball fall her. It is a sad journey and one that has seen her lose a lot of friends and even family members. 

I think that you and your wife need to open the lines of communication. I know how hard it can be to feel like you are someones 'punching bag'. The fact that your wife has become physically and emotionally abusive really needs to be addressed before it gets totally out of hand. Try and see life from her point of view. I know its hard for you, but to her everyday is a struggle. 

You may also need to talk with someone, maybe a psychologist. You need a safe place to vent about your concerns regarding your wife. A problem shared is a problem halved. I feel for you totally & i hope things get easier for you soon.

take care :)

Hi boxhead,

I have a partner who suffers depression and has aggression issues and I can sympathise with a lot you have written here. I know the feeling of being looked at with hate in the eyes it is very unsettling.

You might consider therapy for yourself. I would not consider couples therapy with my partner. I did CBT last year with a clinical psychologist because I had reached the point of not being able to cope anymore and had a lot of self-doubt. Something like this might help you reconnect with the person you were before the partnership. It helped me. 

I hope you get some help. If the negative parts of the relationship are escalating you might not be able to hold on to your calm demeanor.

cheers,

Grateful

Hi boxhead

how are things going.

Thanks for your reply. My Daughter is seven. 

Thanks for your reply. I will try to make her feel more appreciated in an attempt to make her not feel worthless. Its good getting another perspective on my problems. I do try to look at things from her perspective but when you have a person not thinking logically it is hard to know what to say. 

Thanks for your Reply Geoff. I have since found out there is a lot of blokes in my position. At the end of the day if things work out or not its a lose/lose situation for blokes like us.  I am hoping her meds get sorted out soon, they only altered it as we were trying IVF over the years. Her condition was also complicated by Graves disease. I will solider on for now.

Thanks for your reply jaspergirl, If anything reading your and other replies, It has reinforced the fact that communication needs to be worked on. And I agree. It has been easier to just cop it all and not bother communicating, but it does nothing to keep the marriage happy. I appreciate all the replies I have had, it is good to get another persons perspective.

Hi thanks for your reply.  I have done nothing fundamentally wrong in our marriage. In fact , without putting tickets on myself, I can safely say I have been nothing but supportive and providing a burden less environment for her.  From what you say it sounds like your man has done something serious that has rocked the foundation of your relationship. Him saying "get over it" to someone like yourself who is depressed is probably the worst thing to say.  In saying that maybe some help from a Psychiatrist and meds might help if you are getting too depressed. I also think that the issue with what your husband needs to be dealt with for you to move forward.    

Hi Boxhead,

All I can is wow!! I'm in a similar predicament, and thought I was the only one with an aggressive negative wife...

I've just posted a new thread in regards to my wife being negative and closed minded, but didn't have enough space to discuss her aggression. I have also seen a lot of hatred from my wife. I know she loves me and appreciates what I do for her, but I never see it...

I have similar issue with communication as I was working too much, but recently realised though an illness that I had to change and try and communicate with my wife and family more. It's a slow process, she still turns things back on me similar to your spicy chicken comment. I too get negativity all the time. I never do anything right... "I am annoying" is the comment I get.

Good luck with what you need to do, I'll be probably going down the same route, although my wife thinks it's worthless seeking assistance for either myself or her.

HI Boxhead,

how old is your wife and how long has she ben like this?  I ask because she sounds so similar to me and i know some of mine is due to hormonal imbalance. Estrogen dominance to be exact - read up on it.  To me it sounds like she definitley has depression. We can change so much after childbirth and depending on our age. its not fair on you guys but I have to say its a really hard thing for us to control, especially if its hormonal. perhaps look into natural hormone therapy..i think its called bio organic hormones you need to find a dr who specialises in this. shes left her job because of depression so what does she do now to fill in her days, what does she have that she can look forward to, that can break up the routine?

Just my thoughts.

Good Luck Fletch, its a hard slog mate. 

Hi, my wife is 38, she has a thyroid condition "graves disease" and has suffered with depression all of her adult life. 

Hi,

so how have things been? Have you been able to work on anything re communication or therapy? How are you coping?

cmf

Thanks.  Your post was very helpful.  I have a wife exactly like Boxhead's.  That's how I discovered this site, I googled, "My wife suffers from depression" and his post came up first.

Tonight, New Year's Eve, she laid into me about something I said on the phone as I was speaking with my son.  She was two rooms away, but heard anyway.  It wasn't derogatory - I was focused on trying to help my son be happy with where he is.  

He brought up moving to another state.  I advised him to be careful that he & his wife have a job, and then I thought of my wife as an example.  We moved to another state recently for an ideal job for me.  (It both pays well and is rewarding.  To top it off, she found it!)  But she's unable to locate a job for herself here that she both likes and finds financially rewarding.  She is happy with the opportunities for enriching activities she's found, but "they don't pay the bills."  

I put that into quotes because that's what I told my son.  I forgot that my wife might be listening two rooms away.  She was miserable the rest of the night.  And fell into one of her tirades in which I was terribly at fault & no matter what I said or did.  My validating her seemed to help.  But anything else I said or did was nothing but wrong.

So much for the "Happy New Year."

Thanks for you post, Geoff.  I have a wife a lot like Boxhead's & yours.

Actually, your former wife sounds a lot like my first wife.  I also ended up sinking a lot of money into black hole that couldn't be filled.

I agree with you about the medications.  My current wife was recently on an antidepressant.  It was a Godsend for helping her sleep, but the dose escalated & so she started seeing a new doctor who recommended she get off it.  Then she was hell while she tapered the dose down & transitioned to a new med.  I'm still not sure she's entirely off it.

Another thing I noticed tonight is that alcohol pretty consistently brings out the devil in her.  At first it helps her feel better and happy.  But, the lull after she slows drinking comes quickly (especially on an empty stomach).  The down phase from the alcohol brings out her depression with a vengeance.  I plan to hide the only bottle left.

I hate drinking on a regular basis.  But every once and a while, I just need the break. 

Great comments JasperGirl.  Thanks.

You're so right about work being an escape.  In my first marriage, I worked the kind of hours that Boxhead works & I feel, in the end, it only contributed to the divorce.  One nice mechanism I discovered in my current marriage is to take 24 hours and devote it to nothing but being with my family.  That one little step has made a world of difference.

I think my daughter suffers from some of the same things you describe.

A few days ago, we went walking on a nearby beach.  It was kinda fun, but our lovely daughter developed some blisters in the rubber boots she was wearing.  I was trying to help her get on her regular shoes before we got into the car when she started to scream like nobody's business.

Next thing I knew, I heard a slap and noticed our daughter's glasses on the ground.  Later I found out that:  where I was putting my thumb to help her heel into the shoe was exactly where she'd developed a blister.

My wife describes her as autistic.  But if that's true, then so am I.

I agree with your advise.  I've found group therapy to be extremely helpful.  But, unfortunately the group I'm in will be ending this summer.  I'm not sure if I'll try to find another group or not.  I wish we could continue to meet without the psychologists.  But of course, that might not be practical.  Many of our significant others might wonder about motives less than admirable.

I appreciate your response.

One resource that I've found very helpful is the book, High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti with a foreword by Marsha Linehan.  Dr. Linehan brought into psychology a stress on mindfulness based on some of the teachings of Thich Nahn Hahn.  I've studied his work before and found it very helpful.  The difficult thing, of course, is maintaining enough presence of mind to employ the techniques when you least expect to need them.

I totally agree with you.  "Validation" is a simple word to say, but a much more difficult thing to remember to do in the heat of the moment.  And it's not just the examples you might hear online or from a psychologist.  It needs to come from you.

What I've found most helpful is to first validate internally where I am.  "I have done nothing terribly wrong.  My actions were justified because ... "  (By the way, telling her this line of thought is extremely counterproductive - it only escalates things.)

Then I validate the point she's trying to make.  She keeps making it because she doesn't feel I get it.  Validating it doesn't make it true, it only reinforces that you've heard her & understand the point she's trying to make.

Then validate her again.  Usually, the first time doesn't quite take.  And so you have to figure out another way to basically say the exact same thing.

Then validate her a third time.  I know, it sounds like overkill.  But it really does take three attempts to validate the other person before the argument is dropped and life begins to improve.

I agree.

We tried couples therapy also.  Useless.

I've now been in group therapy (minus her) for a year and a half.  And she's been seeing an individual and in group for about a year.  

These seem to be helping both of us.

Psychiatrists have also helped.

I agree with you.  My wife has been going through menopause.  In the midst of it she's discovered that she likely has terrible fibroids.  But she's not interested in a hysterectomy.  This is despite having periods now that last for 2-3 months!

I don't know if there's any "fix."  I've advised what I know about dysfunctional uterine bleeding.  But ultimately it's up to her physician.

Boxhead, Graves disease is intense!  Please stick in there.

She needs good medical care.  And it'll help if you're both informed as much as possible.

But the nice thing about the thyroid, is that it is controllable.  Things will get better.

I can be that shitty wife to my husband.

I lack awareness and when I come around I realise what an idiot I am. Having a husband who deals with all of this is pretty special