Topic: Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar

Hello,
My best friend has bipolar disorder.
Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agenda and selective memory., All I have ever done is treat her kindly. We talked about food, she made suggestions worth doing, since I was only eating vegetables, legumes. The conversation ended amicably. The next morning, she went ballistic and said some verbally abusive things which hurt. I became a liar because I followed her suggestion, it seems. She told me to leave her alone otherwise she would terminate our friendship. She has qualities which to me are very rare. I care about her very much. I am a kind, caring but a passive individual, never spoken ill of her, never put her down or commented on her shortcomings or actions, but she appears to be overanalysing our discussions to look for possible faults or shortcomings of my own for some reason, misunderstanding what is being communicated or is just saying them to hurt me. She often puts herself down, and I counter it by trying to boost her. She deserves it. The last time something like this happened , which was her getting angry because I apologised to her because I thought I upset her. It turned out was joking but I misunderstood. I was also called a liar then because she felt my apology was false or pretend. I genuinely felt I’d said something wrong and upset her, and felt remorseful. She stormed off and said she needed space. I have never known anyone to react to apologies with hostility. I waited two weeks and it was like nothing happened and she apologised to me for not being chatty, even though she was the one that wanted me to leave her alone. The normality didn’t last long, though. She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything. I researched bipolar because she knew basically nothing. After being triggered off over a discussion about food, I do not know how to approach her, or when, in fear of having her rage at me again. She’s right though, I *do* have an agenda. When I got to know her, I realised how bad her depression is and how badly if affects her life. I wanted to try and put some happiness, relief, normalcy back into her life. I want her to be happy, because I care about her. I’ve never expected anything from her other than her friendship and company. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

Hello Tony. Thanks for writing. I found your reply to be very informative and useful. I am sorry to hear that your family has been affected by bipolar but am pleased to know medication has helped your family so much. My friend was diagnosed some years ago and isn’t in denial about it but knew very little about it. I see how much it has an impact on her life and speaks regularly of the depression and anxiety but don’t understand why she hasn’t sought treatment. Excuse my pessimism but I don’t think she will get the proper medication but claims to have mentioned the name of the first-line treatment to her GP. She dislikes leaving the house and doctors appointments. I don’t know if she has BP 1 or 2, nor does she. Her swings appear fairly frequent but the behaviour I described has only manifested in recent weeks which is why I feel I must be at fault. It started when she returned from a brief holiday which she cut short because of what she told me was anxiety. I am worried something else happened, but blaming myself feels more rational. I appreciate you suggesting I am not at fault. I see most if not all of the symptoms you described but feel that I have exceeded the limits of her intolerance for doing things which are of her perception and assumptions only. Even if they are that, I recognise it makes them no less real to her. For example, being told I am a liar as a result of taking her advice. Taking her advice ended in her telling me she doesn’t trust me anymore and I see that as irreparable. She is a logic-driven person, so this behaviour baffles me.

Thank you again for your reply Tony. Carry on being the White Knight! It may not be the best way to be but it’s better good than bad.

Hi BetweenThePoles,

One of the most useful things that I have come across in my reading about bipolar is that it is quite often the illness talking not the person (in this case your friend). My partner was diagnosed with bipolar earlier this year, and has hit a rough patch. In her case though, she has withdrawn rather than making accusations about my behaviour. When things become particularly bad, there is not a lot of rational thinking or behaviour. If there was that ability during times of illness, it wouldn’t be a problem. It sounds like you know that you haven’t done anything other than try to be a supportive friend. As hard as it is, taking the blame for your friend’s behaviour isn’t going to help the situation. Numerous different articles advise not to take things personally. I can tell you from experience that this is easier said than done.

Hello KG82. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge. I hope you do not mind, but I followed you to Steve68’s thread, which proved relatable and also very emotional. My heart goes out to people such as yourself and Steve68. Your time and preparedness to communicate with me is very much appreciated snd I hope that your partners diagnosis has provided clarity, a sense of preparedness and understanding. For me, it feels judgemental to perceive the difficult moments as being one that lack rational thinking or behaviour, because I know how the person would react if they were told that directly. I am starting to feel that writing here is not helping but instead resembled an obsession with someone who does not want me in their life anymore and that I am using bipolar as means of justifying their behaviour so that I can allow myself to continue what I am doing. Deep down, there’s no obsession or agenda. Because of what she has said to me, I hear her voice in my mind, accusing me of being obsessed. I would then say that I’m trying to help her, get help for myself, because I care about her — as a friend, and value our friendship so much. She’d then tell me I’m lying. That’s what it’s done to me. If she knew I was writing this, she would say I’m having a pity party. She’s said it before when I’ve shown remorse. I neither want or need pity.

That’s how I feel. You are right, I have tried my hardest to be s supportive friend. I am kind, I was raised that way, but I am a grown man who is brought to tears when someone you care about, someone who has shown you they care, suddenly says things you would only expect to hear from someone who wants to cause you pain. It feels wrong to try and feel that I am without blame. It feels selfish and like I am in denial, without fault.

But I know in my heart that I have never, ever done or said anything to try and hurt her, upset, deceive or cause her discomfort of any kind, in any way, ever, but she tries to take that away from me.. I have complete respect for her, just as I do for any other person I encounter in my life. She just happens to be who I feel is my best friend.

It’d much harder said than done, to not take it personally, especially when it’s coming from someone who encourages you to not take things personally.

Thank you again, Tony. I suffer from mental illness too, depression and anxiety both. I see a good psychiatrist regularly and take good medications to help me function as best as I can. Finding the right medications often takes time, effort and patience. It’s a difficult journey sometimes, but I travelled it because I don’t want to feel what I would without them.

a councillor told me exactly what KG said, it’s the illness talking. But, there will be timed when it isn’t, and not knowing when to tell the difference worries me, as I inferred in my last post. I want to put everything in that basket, for reassurance snd simplicity, especially the former. It would make tolerance the default and easy to implement coping mechanism. Water off a ducks back, as it were.

Good morning Tony, glad to hear from you again. I appreciate your compliments with respect to my writing. English was one of my better subjects at school. Although reluctant to commend myself, I believe I am reasonably intelligent and from time to time, others say the same, as you just have. Thank you. Intelligence is a useful tool, but it’s true potential requires a certain degree of wisdom I feel I am lacking.

I have been long aware that I am overly sensitive, particularly in these situations. My friend has noted on more than one occasion that I am also vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation. Ironically our conflict during that conversation resulted in her calling me manipulative.

As you say, they’re just words. Upon consideration, they’re also baseless, since they’re never accompanied by any specifics. Being told you’re a liar, manipulator and someone with an agenda without being told how or why has little substance, especially when the person making those claims makes a hasty exit from the conversation and asks to be left alone. For an intelligent, articulate and logical person to behave that way makes me feel sad for them and has me wonder what pains them to pursue such pointless conduct. I have some idea but there is little point speculating.

Thanks for the links Tony, I will take a look. The friendship will continue, I am choosing to keep my distance until she commences mood-stabilising treatment, or contacts me. Neither may happen. Only time will tell.

Hello Tony,

I just wanted to thank you again for your very helpful advice. My friend and I are talking again, she wrote to me on social media while I was having time away from it. I am working my way through the epic “the bipolar life” thread, which is so resourceful. I also purchased Infinitely Polar Bear, which I’m going to watch when I’ve finished writing this.

I’ve embraced the fact that in order for us to rebuild our friendship, I am the one that needs to change, not her. She recognises that she needs to go on the right medication, but that is for her to do when she is good and ready.

It wasn’t until today that I learned that those with bipolar often push people away/cut them out of their lives, for defensive reasons and so on. When I first came here, I thought I’d been more or less cut out and that I had to remedy the situation somehow.

Life moves either very slowly for me, a week feels like a month, or very quickly, there’s never been an even pace that I can remember. When I feel it moving quickly, I need to slow right down and be more aware and more observant in communicating, because in hindsight, it’s my hasty responses and flippant dialog that has triggered her off. Instead of asking questions when there is any ambiguity, I assume I know what she means or what she’s trying to express emotionally and it results in problems. I end up pushing her buttons. This is partly due to the fact that most of our communication is via text.

In elevator terms, she’s usually on her way to the basement and there are very valid reasons for this, which is when I feel the urge to be as supportive as possible and maybe lift her up a bit, but when she’s on her way towards the too floor and we have frenzied hours long conversations, I need to be careful not to send her all the way to the top floor, so to speak. I regret some of the things I’ve written here, they came from a place of ignorance and I wish I could take them back. Thanks again, Tony.

G’day Tony,

Thanks for your assistance in the past. I was able to maintain a friendship with the girl I used to call my best friend until very recently,. We had a few more arguments over the months and they became progressively harder to resolve.

Actually, resolution was never reached, ever.

The result was always the same — an endless cycle where they would argue and argue until one of us became exhausted and disengaged.

When they expired their initial set of grievances, they would manufacture more from thin air to keep the dispute going. As time went on, I noticed they didn’t want resolution, they wanted to keep the argument going instead. Things were never finished though, just swept under the rug...and the bulge under the rug kept growing.

I pointed this out during the most recent argument and they went straight to the top floor, let BiPolar move in, push them onto the couch and terminate the friendship completely after a huge outpouring of abuse.

I purchased an excellent audiobook by Julie A. Fast called Loving Someone With BiPolar Disorder and tried some techniques therein. They were disgusted and horrified to learn I had, even though they welcomed me helping them research bipolar and taking the road to mood stabilisers. I was labelled a creep.

In particular, I wanted to build a plan for when an argument started, as a means of diffusing I it. It was “too soon“ for that, said my former friend.

So thus is one of those times when you lose an friend to bipolar because of their ego. Either you provide them with a “truth” that doesn’t exist or they label you a liar and push you away for good, to protect their ego.

I did help this person, in a few ways.

She won’t admit it, but for a short time I made a difference in her life. There were times when she needed someone, probably anyone, and I was there. I was proud to be.

She appreciated it, too.

Unfortunately. the abuse she subjected me to has left me a second-guesser,, and not much else. Her ego was a priority over my emotional well-being. She knew she was hurting me and eventually stopped caring until there was no friendship left.

BTB