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Topic: Perfectionist wife is constantly tired and angry

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Bulletin Board Archive
    Bulletin Board Archive avatar
    4426 posts
    9 December 2012

    Originally posted by:Matt on 9 December 2012

    I love my wife of 10 years dearly but dont know where to turn. We have 2 wonderful kids aged 5 & 2 who can be a handful from time to time - as most can. She loves them a lot but is unfortunately very short tempered and seems to yell at one of us every day. She is a self confessed control freak who says she gets anxious and is always tired and stressed and on the go. She has been on antidepressants in the past but doesnt want to use them long term. I am over the constant anger and yelling and swearing and controlling behaviour that she exhibits where nothing I do is good enough and she gets very annoyed when she doesnt get her way. She wont talk about it with me as she views this as me overreacting and nagging. She doesnt have any real close friends to talk to and her family is interstate. I miss the fun times we had and the smile and laughter from years ago. She has no interest in intimacy, and gets annoyed with me if I am not there at the drop of a hat to help when she is stressed out - I am patient by nature and can deal with these situations better. I give her time out every weekend where I look after the kids and she goes out alone, but she will still come home and find something to get annoyed with. Any advice would be most grateful

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    My wife has anxiety but won't seek help

    My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me

    My wife isn't coping with our 3 year old

    Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer

    Help me to help my depressed wife

    If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this 

  2. Bulletin Board Archive
    Bulletin Board Archive avatar
    4426 posts
    11 December 2012
    Originally posted by: scotty on 11 December 2012

    Hi Matt Your Title says it all really, Perfectionist Controlling, sounds like a recipe for a Psychologist to help her deal better with this stuff is a good direction... I think most of this stuff just stems from not having the right Armour/tools to work through it then the stress tips over, as we let it slowly pile up on us....Perhaps gently suggest therapy as the constant anger swearing isn't helping and cant be much fun for her either..., I personally find it better than an Anti D myself long term, and it gives me an outlet , and the tools i need, you sound supportive anyhow... TC
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Bulletin Board Archive
    Bulletin Board Archive avatar
    4426 posts
    12 December 2012
    Originally posted by: Zbigniew on 12 December 2012

    Hi Matt, your situation mirrors mine almost exactly so i can well and truly empathise with what you are going through. I have also been with my wife for 10 years, we have a 3.5yo daughter, we have no family where we are (hers are in Europe, mine are 500km away), we don't have any close friends - we've had genuine people make genuine offers but my wife treats them with suspicion. My wife is also a control freak - apparently i can't do anything right around the house and she prefers to do everything herself and she over commits herself at work. She's impatient and short tempered with our daughter so i find my self doing the majority of the child minding type tasks especially the more arduous ones that are more likely to result in tantrums. She has plenty of time to herself (shopping etc) while i look after our daughter - but apparently this isn't enough. There is also no intimacy between us. My wife has become this highly strung, tense person who regularly has meltdowns. She has been diagnosed as having PND and also has a generalised anxiety disorder. I love her and worry about her and all this is having quite an impact on her mental and physical health - it also contributes to my own depression. She is very reluctant to seek help. Sorry i can't help you but i can at least empathise with you. Good luck! Zbigniew
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Bulletin Board Archive
    Bulletin Board Archive avatar
    4426 posts
    13 December 2012
    Originally posted by: SUZIE on 13 December 2012

    Hi Matt, your letter could have been about me and written by my husband. You are in the same spot we were two years ago. However I may have even been a little bit worse... My husband, wrote me a letter and left in on our bed for me to find... in it he wrote about all his concerns.. concerns about us as a couple, me as a mother, our daughter... and our future... He asked for the good times to come back.. the fun times... he asked that we sit down and talk.. it took me about 4 weeks to get over the letter.. At first I was so angry and upset, but little by little I started to see things from his point... so together we went to our local Doctor... who recommended a person I could talk too. The road to recovery was not easy. Many times it felt way to hard of a hill to climb. But I am getting there... Things are so much better in our home... Sex is back on!! I have stopped being so angry at the kids... and we put time on the busy week to do something fun together... it might be a picnic in the park.. a walk together.. or a drive... Things are working out... Don't give up on your wife.. be there for her... but also you need to pick the right time to start taking some action... get your hands on as much info as you can about Anxiety, depression... be well informed... and tell your wife all the time that you are there for her... and that together you will work things through... I am also on Natural treatment... and have a fortnightly massage... look together at what will work for your wife... but do it together...
    2 people found this helpful
  5. Suzi8
    Suzi8 avatar
    1 posts
    23 June 2014

    Hi, a lot of the responses I see on this thread seem to be from men. No offence, but what do men know about women? Or how they feel? You say you want to help her, so the first thing to do is listen to her, not to people who have no clue about what her needs or feelings may be. We all know that saying that when a woman says something is fine, it is most definitely not.  She is probably not communicating with you, saying hello or goodbye, because you have deeply saddened her, and this is her way of demonstrating this to, and its extent, to you, not because she is mean or nasty.  Another thing to think about is why is she a control freak; could it possibly be that if she doesn't do the things that need to be done, then nobody will? Do you honestly think it is nice for her to come downstairs one saturday morning, all smiley and happy that it is the weekend and she can relax for a change, only to find the kitchen etc a gigantic mess, after she spent the evening before cleaning it up? Men often don't see the mess they have created, but how can she possibly relax if she has to do this all again, however small a task it may be? Of course she is going to yell in circumstances like the above. Wouldn't you? Try to step into her shoes, for a change, and imagine what it is like to be her and how it makes you feel when you experience the same things she does.

  6. bundybear2
    bundybear2 avatar
    1 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to Suzi8

    Hi Suzi, you are making a lot of assumptions here that don't seem to have any real basis in what has been described.  Certainly there are always two sides to the story but the aggressor (in this case the wife) is normally the one with the communication problem or other issue.  Anger and aggression has no place in a normal interaction.

    To answer your question, No, I wouldn't yell.  I would attempt a very calm conversation and suggest we have it while we both clean up the kitchen together.  If it has gotten to the point where you are yelling, or grumbling then the communication block has been put in place by you.

  7. Pixie15
    Pixie15 avatar
    721 posts
    24 September 2014 in reply to bundybear2

    Hi bundybear2,

    There are different types of aggressive responses, overt, covert and passive. The one who is yelling is not necessarily the main aggressor.



    2 people found this helpful
  8. Grahamwonder
    Grahamwonder avatar
    1 posts
    10 April 2018 in reply to Bulletin Board Archive


    Is there any chance you could share that letter, or the contents that made you change your mind?


  9. Guest_039
    Guest_039 avatar
    7 posts
    2 July 2018 in reply to Bulletin Board Archive
    I feel like I am in that same position. My wife refuses to see anyone to help. Everything is my fault. If your still on here would be interested to see what your outcome is now?
  10. Guest_039
    Guest_039 avatar
    7 posts
    2 July 2018 in reply to Bulletin Board Archive
    Are you guys still together? Is it worth spending each others lifes unhappy? I am in exact position. Maybe this is why so many people are turning gay because we will just never understand woman and woman will never understand men
  11. Guest_039
    Guest_039 avatar
    7 posts
    2 July 2018 in reply to Bulletin Board Archive
    I wish my wife would go to see someone for help. She thinks how can somebody help us if you as in me won't change? Im stuck in a hard rock :(

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