Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: Reaching my limit

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. AnxietyWifey
    AnxietyWifey avatar
    4 posts
    23 September 2020

    I’ll try and keep this short and sweet.

    my Husband has been suffering severe anxiety and depression for a little over a year now. He’s always had these issues niggling at the back of his mind but they didn’t really impact his daily life.

    A little over a year ago, he suddenly started having a panic attack, this went on for more than a week before it settled.

    he has tried medication which only made him sick. He’s never been able to stomach anything stronger than panadol, it just comes straight back up and leaves him bedridden so medications aren’t an option. We tried therapy, which only led to more panic attacks so he’s not willing to go down that path again.

    I try so hard to be supportive, but His fluctuating moods and episodes are really taking their toll on me. We can’t do anything because his anxiety takes over. Even something as simple as going into an elevator, he will grit his teeth and yell at me if I try to get in if there’s too many people.
    I’m exhausted. I have no idea what else we can try if medications don’t work and therapy makes it worse.

    I can’t talk to him about it because if I do, I’m the worst person in the world. Sometimes I think about how much easier my life would be alone and this makes me feel guilty. I have no idea what I can do.

  2. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    531 posts
    23 September 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey

    Hi AnxietyWifey

    Thanks for posting- we know it can be tough when a loved one is suffering and you have tried many things to address it. It can be hard to communicate with them about it, as you say.
    Would he be open to trying a different sort of therapy to the one he tried previously? A bit more exploration is not without risk, but it might make all the difference. His GP could refer him to somewhere specific?
    There are also lots of posts of how to manage anxiety on a day to day level- maybe encourage him to check that out and see what resonates with him too.

    Let us know how he goes if you like. If you'd like to discuss more about the impact this has on you, let us know! We can support you too.


  3. AnxietyWifey
    AnxietyWifey avatar
    4 posts
    16 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Thank you for your reply, I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.

    we tried counselling and then psychologist who specialises in anxiety but the entire week leading up to appointments and for days following he would be so heightened it was unbearable for him. I really don’t know what else to do. I can show him grounding techniques and different exercises that work for me (I suffer mild anxiety myself but don’t require medication to manage it) til I’m blue in the face but his attitude and willingness to try just isn’t there because “nothing works, what’s the point?” So his solution is to do nothing and go nowhere and just be miserable.

    im still young, I have so much I want to do in my life and things I want to experience with him and I can’t do any of it.

    on top of this, he has suspected Chron’s disease which is known to have a link to mental health however won’t have it further investigated because this has no cure, why bother?”

    it’s so disheartening and exhausting.

  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4418 posts
    17 October 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey
    hi and welcome to beyond blue.

    It sounds like this is a real struggle for you in providing support to your husband relating to his issues. BB also has a web page and a number of document you can download and read to find a way of remaining healthy -


    It is important that you look after yourself and remain healthy.

    I am going to go out on a limb with the following suggestion as something in your post reminded me of this... You said that “nothing works, what’s the point?”. There are many different ways a person can try. Some/many of these may or may not work. My psychologist recommended a book to me called "The happiness trap". Despite the title, this book is about anxiety. One of the chapters in the front of the book has a number of different things to try. The author even say that something does not work for you, try the next idea, recognising that each idea might not work for everyone. you could have look at it first and perhaps suggest your husband reads it?

    The other thing I curious about is what your husband has by way of support outside of yourself? Is he able to talk about the things on his mind and thoughts and feelings?

    I would be interested in chatting more with you and hearing your story.

  5. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    531 posts
    18 October 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey

    Hi AnxietyWifey

    That's not a worry at all, you can use the forums as you need and in your own time. You are right it is disheartening and exhausting- so self-care is important, especially you have anxiety, even mild. That way you can continue to look after him in the best way you can. Did he end up going to see the psychologist? Maybe telehealth would be a better option if he's overwhelmed by face to face meetings? They could you with the Crohn's disease symptoms as well?


  6. AnxietyWifey
    AnxietyWifey avatar
    4 posts
    9 November 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Thanks so much for your suggestion, I will look into the book. I know he won’t read it but maybe if I do it will help.

    he is one of those people who tries one or two things then given up if the results aren’t instant.

    in terms of supports, he has both mine and his families are are very supportive and want to do everything they can however he will absolutely not open up to that level with them.

    we are supposed to be going on a trip for my birthday very soon and even though I suggested we cancel multiple times because I know the thought of it stresses him out, he won’t despite me insisting that I’d rather just not go than have it stress him out.

    So I’m really looking forward to our trip to the airport where he will inevitably have a freak out and we will have a public argument and we will have wasted a lot of money just because he is SO stubborn.

  7. AnxietyWifey
    AnxietyWifey avatar
    4 posts
    9 November 2020 in reply to Tay100
    No progress on seeing a psych again as he is convinced it’s pointless. I can’t bring it up or I’m the worst person in the world and he’s just “the bad guy”
  8. Doz86
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Doz86 avatar
    200 posts
    9 November 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey

    HI AnxietyWifey,

    I'm so sorry to hear what your partner is going through.

    It took me years to find the right mental health worker, keep looking around till you find one that suits your you and your partner. There are also so many anxiety medications out there also, it would probably be a great idea to talk to your partners GP to see if there is anything else to try.

    I really hope his okay, I'd really enjoy reading an update on your partner.



  9. 815
    815 avatar
    94 posts
    10 November 2020

    HI AnxietyWifey,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation right now. But I am glad that you have been able to post here. I am honestly not sure what advice I can offer you so haven't replied here earlier although I have been following your posts.

    I do understand your situation a little. So I know how hard it must be on you right now. I can only suggest that you keep trying. But at the same time, I would also suggest that you take care of yourself. I am exhausted, and have felt like I am close to my limit, if not past it, many days.

    My husband did eventually seek help, is still seeking help and I know the road is still long and bumpy. So I have had to seek help myself because I don't know how I would have the strength to still be here otherwise.

    I have received so much amazing support on these forums. So I hope you can continue to keep posting updates and reading people's responses so as to give you a bit of hope to keep going.

    Take care.

  10. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    531 posts
    12 November 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey

    Hi AnxietyWifey

    I'm sorry to hear that! I think seeing a professional for yourself is a worthy endeavour if you feel you need it, it will help you help him. They may even have advice on how to support him. It can be tough because he is an adult who can make his own decisions - but that doesn't mean you can't keep trying, and see someone yourself so you don't feel guilty about wanting to be alone, as you've said in the past.


  11. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    52 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to AnxietyWifey

    Hi AnxietyWifey,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I read your post as it is similar to the situation I am in. Our situation has been going on for some 12 years though and while it has improved, it's not perfect and I do struggle because of decisions I made.

    My husband also suffers anxiety and in the early days panic attacks. It would come quickly and we'd have to leave the event we were at. It got to the point where he couldn't go to public events or large gatherings. Christmas was with 2-4 people and in 2 sittings at our house. To support my husband I wouldn't go to the functions either and so we'd always have to decline invites. It got to the point where we were getting fewer and fewer invites and in the end none, now it's literally just immediate family.

    I can tell you I've missed so many milestones, family functions and events that I'd usually go to and have fun at. He was never really a go to family functions type of guy so it wasn't a big loss for him. When you say you have a birthday trip coming up, it's great that he is not saying to cancel and don't go. But I can see your stress knowing what is coming. I could see this too and so I did cancel events or not suggest trips that would pressure him. The problem is fast forward those years to now and I have friends I can count on one hand (and don't see very often) and am only close to my immediate family. I've not seen my extended family in over 8 years. I was close to them all now they assume I've just snobbed them.

    I guess what I am saying is, please make sure you don't stop your life for them. I know it's hard and I felt so guilty even thinking about going to events and places which is why I didn't. I thought I was supporting him. But now that he is a little better and can manage going to events and places, we only go when he wants to. I don't go to events or dinner with friends on my own. I now suffer depression because of the life we lead, but he can't see why. Like you, when I say anything to do with his anxiety I get tared with the worst person tag and I'm just bullying him again and I'm not supportive. The guilt trip cycles continue.

    I wish I was stronger to stand up for myself earlier so I didn't end up alone with no real support close by. I just felt guilty and thought I was being supportive, but after reading the forums, I realise now (10 yrs too late) that I needed to keep myself alive and not enable his anxiety.

    It's tough and we're here for you.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.

Sign me up