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by Mum Chris
1 hour ago
Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

Space for sharing tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing with other carers.

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by Matchy69
20 hours ago
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by geoff
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by Buttermilkbob
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Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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by Summer Rose
16 hours ago

Topic: struggling with special needs children

  1. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Good Morning Mark and Sleepy,

    Bullying is really sad, as even when it has stopped it leaves such scars. I don't think they take enough action against bullies, there should be consequences for them.

    Sorry I have been quiet, I have been a bit too gloomy to write things here just now, as I don't want to bring down people who are already struggling. I could just start a thread of gloom, but there is already so much sadness here already.

    Hope things are ok for you just now.

  2. Matchy69
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    12 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica I am sorry you are feeling down at the ment.You can share anything you like here.

    Take care,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Boudica
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    195 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Thanks Mark, you are so lovely!

  4. Matchy69
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    12 May 2021 in reply to Boudica
    Thanks Boudica you are a great support on here.
  5. Sleepy21
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    13 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Mark,

    hope ur daughter is feeling okay. That's good they didn't ask her to be tested again, and she can recover peacefully. Hope she's on the up.

    Hey Boudaica, how are u? Sorry you feel down. If it helps you to talk please feel free :)

  6. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    13 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Folks,

    I am really overwhelmed by uni work at the moment, which always must take second or third place after my other commitments. I feel like it might have been a mistake to commit to an honours project, as I just don't have enough hours in my life to do it to my satisfaction. But I want to do it because it interests me.

    This semester has been difficult. I usually have 70% care of my son, but his father went through treatment for cancer early this year (he is only 43, and will be ok), so that went to 100% for a while and I had my son home for several weeks for other reasons such as illness and school problems. I also have had to start doing more things to help my mum (I do all her life admin - money, bills, organisational stuff, help with house maintenance). This has really put me behind schedule with my project.

    I am just feeling so burnt out, and I don't have time to do any of the things I should do to keep my mind healthy (breaks, and doing stuff I like). So when I am trying to study I can't concentrate as I just feel stressed. I used to have a more balanced life a few years ago, as I had some support from family, but both grandmothers have serious illness now, and in the future I will have to do more and more to help mum.

    There are so many things I still want to do in life, but many of them are impossible or extremely difficult when caring for special needs child. But I don't want to give up trying. Yet I also feel guilty for not just being satisfied with caring for my child, and wanting things outside for myself. I just feel so trapped at the moment. I dream of having a couple days off and just going camping, but I might as well wish for the moon.

  7. Matchy69
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    13 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica that is a lot on your plate to deal with.It would be so hard for you to balance things.I struggle just trying to look after my kids and when I don't have them I just want to rest and do nothing.I really got to push my self to do things.Losing most of your support will be making it even tougher for you.Its naturally to put your son first and know what difficulties their is with special needs.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  8. Sleepy21
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    4153 posts
    13 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    hi Boudaica,

    i can feel how hard it is for you and that you have so much pressure with demands. It must be hard. I wander if I can relate despite my situation being different and myself not having children yet, I do feel like ppl don't 'get' wht i go through with mental health struggles, and i feel lonely a lot because i wander if ppl think i should be achieving more or working harder, when my Mh limits that so much.
    Never feel guilty for putting urself first - how can u help anyone if you don't have ur own sense of peace and safety.

    i'm so sorry for the strss you are under with uni and with ur child's father having been unwell and sending you lots of care and support

  9. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    13 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark and Sleepy,

    Thanks for your kind thoughts, I think I am feeling a little better this evening. I am going to speak to one of my supervisors tomorrow about it.

    It is hard, and I feel inadequate and like I will be judged poorly by others if I do not meet expectations. But also I am very self-critical. I was also lucky enough to win a scholarship for this year, so I do not have to work part-time while studying like I did last year, so I feel I should be managing better. Actually the scholarship puts more pressure on me to do well and adds a layer of anxiety. I also volunteer one day a week at an environmental research organisation when Blake is at school. I do over-commit myself like an idiot.

    I understand what you mean about the MH limits. Sometimes when all is well I am a very productive person, who can work 18 hour days, then at other times I am not functional, and can't get out of bed to shower or make words or see people! If I can average out my two states then I can pass for a normal person. Though I don't like tv, facebook or insta so that gives me more time to get work done than some others with these hobbies.

    Thanks for you support peeps.

  10. Matchy69
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    5818 posts
    14 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica sand sleepy.Thsts great you volunteer once a week.I use to do volunteer work but don't seem to feel up to it or have time.I just sponsor a World vision child these days.

    It is Gala day at the school today but won't be able to make it as I have something else on and only found out about it yesterday afternoon.I just feel a bit bad about not going and hope my son's not to upset with me not going.The kids will be dropped off after school and not sure what I will do with them this weekend.

    Take care,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    824 posts
    14 May 2021

    Hi guys,

    I just wanted to pop in and catch up on your thread Mark. It's Friday today so I'm wondering if you've had any ideas for your weekend?

    I'm hoping soccer will be on Saturday- it's been wet and so lots of training and games have been canx.

    My heads in a bit of a mess today so I don't know what will be happening apart from that. Oh except my d has a birthday party to go to, so that will give me some time out on Sunday.

    Things are pretty bad with my H atm. He has opened up (in anger) about the paranoid thoughts he still having (except he thinks they are real) and it's very damaging to our relationship and my feelings of safety and security. Not physical safety exactly. I've got the whole 'Fight/flight' thing going on, looking at rentals, wondering how I can get out of this relationship with the least disruption for my child. Everywhere I look I see my home, our home, and it breaks my heart to have to leave it, uproot my daughter, struggle financially and with time/work committments.

    Boudica I can hear how full on life must be for you atm, and I applaud your efforts to have purpose and meaning in your life apart from your responsibilities as a carer. I have been there as a single parent, and it's really difficult. Let alone caring for elderly family as well. BTW I like your term of 'life admin'- thats really great! It gives value to all that time that needs to be spent sorting out 'stuff'/

    I hope you can get that time you need really soon. It's important, to recharge those batteries.

    Many blessings,

    J*

  12. Matchy69
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    14 May 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hi Jstar I know what it is like to have the mistrust from your husband with him thinking things are true when they are not only in his head.That really makes things really tough in your houshold especially with your daughter.I went through it for years with my ex making up things in her head and only being true in her head.It seemed like a never ending battle that we should never have happened.

    I really not sure about this weekend.I might get the kids out in the garden.The weather looks like sunny this weekend just a bit cold.

    Take care,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    15 May 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hey J,

    It hurts when you don't have the trust of the person you love (I have been there). I remember getting ridiculous accusations and just thinking that if he actually knew who I was and loved me, he could not think me capable of such things. It really makes you feel alone. But then, how many people on here have trusted their partners and they have been let down, it can be hard to feel secure in love. Is your husband finding it hard to adjust to you being more out and about in the world with the new job perhaps? I am not trying to excuse him, just trying to understand. I hope you can work through things.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    15 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hello team,

    Thanks for all your supportive comments the other day, it really helped.

    I did go and see my supervisor, I should have done it sooner instead of becoming a stressed out lunatic. He is so lovely, and after I blurted out all my project problems, he just said "don't worry about it, you can take as long as you like" in his german / fijian accent. Speaking to him about it has lifted a weight off. I need to learn to tell people when I am struggling with things sooner. I find it hard though, as I am tough on myself, and I do not want to appear weak to others. But I'm starting to realise that attitude is destroying me. It applies not just to study but all areas of my life I think. I really find it hard to trust people enough to show weakness or ask for help. It comes from my childhood I guess. Working on it slowly.

    Mark, I hope your having a nice weekend with your kids. I want to get my son to go out bike riding with me more often, we have a track that goes around the lake nearby. He enjoys it when I get him out there, but is so hard to get him to leave the house at all. I took him to the zoo last weekend and even though he likes the animals, he just kept asking when he could go home. Have you have this trouble with your kids at all?

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Matchy69
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    5818 posts
    15 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica I hope you can get out bike riding with your son.I am just sitting in front of the fire with my daughter and my son has just woken up after going back to bed after breakfast.I will see if I can do something with them.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  16. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark,

    There's nothing that compares to a fire, I am glad you are cosy. I always lived in houses with fireplaces, but now I don't have one and I really miss it. I bought a tiny pot belly to put out in the courtyard though, but we have to almost sit on top of it to get any warmth. I can cook marshmallows and sit around like camping though!

    Bike ride is off as the weather is a little drizzly this weekend. My son only thinks of vintage electronics 24/7 so currently he is messing around with an old laptop from 2004 trying to get it working - he has many! These days I am pretty good at disassembling and reassembling laptops myself since I must always be involved in his activities!

    I have slept well for 2 nights in a row now and what a difference it makes....feeling much more human. I hope you are fairing ok will your sleep and your health, it really makes it harder deal with day to day stress when your body is struggling. I am trying to pay more attention to my health at the moment as I have been neglectful.

    Enjoy your Sunday, I hope it is peaceful and cosy.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Sleepy21
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    16 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    hi all, how was ur weekend with the kids Mark? did u manage some time to relax?

    my weekend has been quiet and a bit upsetting , feeling stressed about a few things the coming week. Like Boudaica i managed more sleep and do feel grateful.

    My apartment is so messy I just want to hide :(

    how are u both going over the weekend

  18. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey Sleepy,

    I think I am chasing you around the forum - I just replied on your thread! Glad you got some sleep too! I'm sorry you are stressing about something.

    Weekend was ok but feel bad / anxious about not getting enough study done.

    Mess stresses me out too. I grew up with a hoarding Mum, so I start panicking when clutter starts to appear, it actually makes it hard for me to breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating and I worry I will turn in to my mother. In reality I manage the house ok, but I am paranoid that could change at any time, I feel the danger there.

    I never try to do the whole house at once as it can be overwhelming - one task only. eg. clear clothes from chair next to bed, then I can feel happy with that one task that is done. I always make my bedroom perfect before any other room, as it is meant to be my sanctuary.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Sleepy21
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    16 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    hey Boudaica, :) how do u make ur bedroom soothing? that is a beautiful strategy. you need that space for urself to stay sane. My bedroom is the most disorgaised. My mother was a hoarder too, it is scary. thanks for understsading me. I used to have fantases of cleaning my parents home, but they wouldn't let me. Hoarders are very posessive of their things, even if they are broken and useless. A broken TV is kept for 10 years "just in case."

    I find it very odd. I wouldn't say I'm a hoarder as I have very little stuff but i'm not neat at the moment, although my true nature is very organised. i love organisation and decluttering!!

    we have a decluttering thread here a whileback, it was super interesting. Very cold here today, like Ice. Hope ur keeping warm. Sending good vibes to u and to mark

    good vibes all round!! thanks for ur comments about social work

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    17 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Good Morning Mark & Sleepy,

    I hope your day is going well so far :)

    Sleepy, I have found the things that make a room comforting to me are 1)simplicity 2) light 3) nature. Hence, my bedroom furnishing consists of: 150 year old iron bed I bought from an old lady when I was a teenager, clean white bed linen, a rush seat chair I dump clothes on when undressing and a wooden table with an antique bronze lamp that comes from family. I also have a fiddle leaf fig plant - I have plants in every room of the house. My bedroom is upstairs and looks out upon trees and is very light. From my bed I look out and can only see sky and tree canopy.

    Clothes clutter I manage by restraining it to my small walk-in-robe and shutting the door (I declutter often too). I am very afraid of clothes accumulating as my mother has around 5 large wardrobes and 4 large chests of drawers full of clothes.

    Cosmetics, brushes, lotion are only allowed in a designated area mirror area within my WIR. They are not allowed in my bedroom. Electronics (laptops phones etc) must be removed from bedroom to cupboard in the night!

    Whilst my rules might seem a little weird. They work for me, and perhaps having lived with hoarders, you will understand how unnerving clutter can be. Like you, I love organisation and decluttering, yet mess can also appear unexpectedly somehow to my great horror and dismay!

    Mark sorry to clot up your thread with my bedroom rant, I know it is quite an odd thing to be talking about ;)

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Matchy69
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    17 May 2021

    Hi Boudica and sleepy it's beautiful day here after heavy frost this morning and a freezing start to the day.In shorts and t-shirt now.

    My sons home with a cough.He dosnt seem unwell and no high temperature at the moment.Hopefully it only last a few days.

    I had another chat with my daughter and she says she wants to do a TAFE course as well as work.It looks like she could get it subisdised or free.I will have to look into it closer.I am getting a bit nervous as not long for her schooling to go and I would like her to do something rather then just stay at home like I have done most of my life due to my mental health.

    My bedroom has to bookshelves in it one with all my gardening books and one with all my motorcycle books and a TV and walls covered with my kids photos.

    Take care,

    Mark

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Boudica
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    195 posts
    17 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hello Mark,

    I love frost, unfortunately my plants don't feel the same! Your brave, I can't even imagine shorts at the moment, no chance of that until at least October.

    It's great your daughter knows what she wants, it can be really hard to figure out when you are young and haven't really tried anything. I wish I had a Dad like you growing up, you are so supportive. I don't think my Dad ever really understood me at all.

    Your bedroom sound like a cosy den. Nice to have photos of your kids.

    All the best.

  23. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Good Morning Mark,

    I hope your son is doing better today.

    :)

  24. Matchy69
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    18 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica thanks my son is doing ok just cough. Another frosty start to the morning but warmed up nice in the son.Did a little bit out in the garden this morning.

    I hope you are having a good day.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  25. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark,

    Sorry your son is still sick, I hope it clears up soon.

    I am really having a lot of trouble with anxiety over my project. I am really tough on myself and have trouble with perfectionism with my work. This might sound like a good thing but it is not at all. What it means is that I am never happy with my work and just keep eternally revising everything I do, and get stuck in a loop. I am always really reluctant to show anything to my supervisor as I always think my work is terrible, even though I know in my head he won't think so. It is really isolating being stuck in a self-critical bubble and it causes huge delays for me, when I get stuck in this cycle. I am trying to get help from you tube videos, as many other people have the same trouble.

    The project really excites me when I am not paralysed by anxiety. I am studying the ecological impact of canopy die-back on microclimate - I am going to use multispectral satellite imagery, drone LiDAR data and field microsensor data, together with some field measures. It is a project that spans two specializations: ecology and remote sensing and focuses on one remnant stringybark forest. I wish I could overcome my anxiety so I could work on it more effectively.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Matchy69
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    5818 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica I know about perfectionist as my father was one and it one thing I didn't get off him at the moment.I did get his ocds.

    My son will be ok when his cough goes.You just get looked out like your some horrible person for having a cough.It is just the world we live into day.

    I am sure your project will be amazing as your an amazing person.Try and be kind to yourself.

    Take care,

    Mark 

     

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    Thanks M
  28. Sleepy21
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    4153 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    hey Boudaica

    i can understand that perfectionist sstreak as I feel that way about certain things or have in the past.

    Def lots of ppl struggle with this and can relate. im sorry you're struggling atm wit ur project and hope it goes well

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello,

    Thanks for your words Sleepy....the struggle is real! When I have a lot of stress in my life, the perfectionism gets worse, I think it is tied to a need for control, when I am overwhelmed by chaos. I worked for many years in financial sector and did auditing for years. At least with that kind of work, there is a clear right or wrong generally, and the work is done when it is correct.

    Mark, I know what you mean about the dirty looks if you cough, as I am an asthmatic and sometimes I get horribly wheezy and cough when in public!

    It's funny as you get older you can start to dissect which traits you inherited from each of your parents, and I think you develop a better understanding of them as people. :)

  30. Matchy69
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    5818 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Boudica

    Hi Boudica I see traits I got from my parents and my children having some of the traits as well.

    My brother was an auditor years ago before he became a youth worker and now a minister. Changing careers is really the norm today.We look for that career that will make us happy and fulfil us and be rewarding for us.I think it can take us time to find what we really do enjoy.

    I hope you can find some way of managing your stress and find control of your study.I think it's really great that you have taken this extra study on and hope you succeed in it.

    Take care,

    Mark.

    2 people found this helpful

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