Topic: Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

Hi 815.

To put this into context, i was in your husbands position, and what he is going through is a very difficult thing. losing interest in absolutely everything, getting no satisfaction, and being upset about the smallest things. there were many times where i wanted to be left alone. it wasnt any of those things that led me to seeing a GP...it had to take a much harsher turn off events before I decided to take myself to the medical center.

Through it all I tried to see things from my wife's point of view. At first it was very difficult. no matter what my wife said or did, i just felt like she didnt understand what i was going through, what my body was telling me, and what my mind was telling me. There are still times when i'm at a low point, and i feel misunderstood. she might say something that i take as being really insensitive, but I know what her intention is.

Its only in the last 12 months that i have really looked deep into 12 - 36 months prior, and realised how hard it must have been for her. not only looking after 2 young kids, and working, but having to worry about a basket case to boot. i thought that i'd be alone in this, but the reality is that we went through it together, often times i was being dragged, pushed, or piggybacked. but i am thankful for every second she spent & spends with me.

One way for me to explain the depression so that my kids can understand is that all of the feelings fun, joy, love, excitement all get stuffed into a box, locked and kicked under the bed, and then you forget where you put the key. Going through the recovery process is the means of remembering where the box is, and where the key is, and going through rediscovering what's in the box...its not lost, its just packed away.

The advice that i can give is to be strong, be there, and dont give up on him, and take care of your mental health too.

Not_Batman

Hi Gypsy70,

How are you doing? I'm glad that you stumbled upon my post. However I am sad that you can relate to it so much, because it is such a heartbreaking situation to be in. I think I had replied to your own thread earlier when I was first going through the threads. I am also quite overwhelmed and exhausted myself. And to be honest I'm not sure where to from here. However I am still holding onto hope, and like you, I know that in both our hearts there is still love and that no matter how hard, I need to stay and support him.

Gypsy70, please keep posting here if it helps. Life has been a little hectic, however I will post more in the coming days.

As I've mentioned before, I had originally started this thread, to seek hope for myself. If only via words on a screen, I can provide hope and a little comfort to others that you are not alone on your journey, then there is at least some good that has come out of this bad situation.

Please take care of yourself and try to find joy in little things.

Hi Not_Batman,

I was in tears reading your post. All I can say is, thank you for posting that and giving me some insight into my husband's struggles. I think it is truly amazing that you can acknowledge your own struggles, and still see it from the perspective of your wife. And I have to say that your wife sounds truly amazing too.

You have given me hope and strength, to go forward on this road. And I do hope that one day, he will find the key to all those things he has locked away, and that there he will find me and our love again, and let me back in.

Please take care and continue to be strong too.

Thought I would just a post a quick update. I had a message from my partner the other day. I sent her one wishing her well for her first day of the new job, and she responded positively. It’s the first time in weeks that we’ve had a positive interaction. It took everything not to flood her with more messages to strike up conversation, and probably a good thing since she hasn’t read the couple of messages that I sent since.

The more that I read both on here and in other places, the more I can understand the withdrawal, and it’s heart breaking. No one wants to know that someone they love is suffering that much that they withdraw.

Hello everyone

Kg82

Thanks for sharing that your wife responded positively to your new message.
is that a good sign she is starting a new job?

I think just when we need people around we push them away and makes us feel first. I guess for some it feels like we are protecting loved ones and ourselves.

Not Batman thanks for your honesty and insights.

I just want to give everyone hope here and those reading whether you are suffering from depression or you are have a loved one who is.
It is so painful on either side but you are all trying so hard hard to understand yourself and your loved ones. be kind to yourselves.

Hi all,

I won't go into too many details but a few things have happened in the past week and I am after some thoughts on what to do. Basically we had a 'fight' in which my husband has told me that he can't get better with me here. He has admitted that he is angry at me, for various reasons, but mostly because he feels like I've done nothing.

I have since spoken to his sister who has in turn reached out to him. She says that he knows he is in a bad spot. He knows he needs to focus on himself. And it's hard for her to understand exactly what he needs or wants. But it is also probably hard for him to know what he wants. She says he needs to focus on himself, which I understand. She's just not sure how I fit in that. I don't think any of us do. And I know he is the one suffering depression, however since I am in the firing line, unfortunately this affects me greatly.

I obviously don't want to leave. However, I also do not want to get in the way of his recovery. And I know that time away from me is probably what he needs. And probably time away from him, is what I need too. And I know that spending some time apart doesn't necessarily mean 'leaving him', but I don't want him to perceive it that way either.

I really don't want to, but I feel as if I should initiate this conversation, and ask him how he imagines this would work, if we were to somehow spend some time apart. Because I know that if this is what he really wants and needs, we will need to try to sit down and talk calmly about this and how it would actually work, especially given that we have young kids who I imagine will also be greatly impacted by it.

I'm just after some advice, opinions, thoughts...has anyone tried spending time apart? What did it look like? How did you manage the kids? Did it help in the end?

I should note that we are in Melbourne so we have been hit really hard with the restrictions and basically have not had any time apart for a long time now.

Hi 815, I’ve got no real advice, but I do feel for you. It’s really hard when the person that you love the most just wants to be on their own. I really hope that you have the opportunity to sit down and talk, and work things through. Depression distorts thoughts and it’s so hard to think rationally. It’s a horrible disease. You really do sound like you’re doing absolutely everything that you can to help your husband. Keep going and stay strong.

Hi 815,

I'm sorry to hear this. I know it's not ideal, but I'm thinking time apart might be what you need to do. It does sound like whatever the reasons are in his mind, that you being there with him isn't helping him.

In my experience, the ones closest are the ones who get told they aren't doing enough to support. I got told this just this morning actually. In a bit of an argument I was told I don't praise him enough and haven't acknowledged his progress enough and it's sad when he has to seek praise from a friend :/ I've been told that I'm not supportive a fair bit and it seems par for the course. I don't know what they're looking for either after all this time. I moved 2 states away from family and friends to be supportive! All I know is now I'm the one seeking the space because my own mental health is suffering but I am too scared to instigate that conversation for fear of where it'll lead. I know you don't want to, but the space might help your mental health as well. We try so hard to support and be there but we're only so strong and there is only so much a person can take before they break too.

I think it's not a bad thing to give both of you space and see where it goes. It can only make your head clearer and maybe help clear the air. Being in Melbourne and lock down is also not helping and I really hope for everyone down there including you that it ends really soon. I'm sure there are couples and families who aren't going through what you are who are also climbing the walls to get some space and having mental health issues arise because of it. It's just not healthy at all.

Take care and be strong. Your mental health is important too and you need to be there for your kids.

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for your responses and all your support on my situation.

I have no real positive update. We have had some other things to deal with in life, and as much as I did not want it to be about us, that's what it turned into. Despite the fact that a lot of things he has said to me in the past two weeks has been really hurtful, I guess at least he has communicated with me and I know where I stand and hopefully over time he and I can work through his issues (with me and everything else).

It has been exhausting for me so I took some time off work earlier this week to give myself a bit of a break. Unfortunately with our lockdown restrictions having space and time for ourselves is very difficult. I am doing my best to stay out of his way, while still being here for the kids as well.

In the meantime I have been seeking support from my a couple of close friiends, my SIL/BIL, my mum, my GP and Mental Health Services in my area. I will also be speaking to a psychologist next week.

I still feel very alone and isolated, heartbroken, sad, hurt, angry, tired...But for now, I will be staying here to provide whatever support I can for my family to get through this. But if I'm honest, I carry very little hope in my heart right now. But regardless of how little, it is still hope enough to keep me here.

So I basically just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, holding on.

Hi 815,

Thank you for checking in. I'm happy to hear you're still holding on - as hard as it may be.

I do worry for you. With all the focus and attention on your husband's mental health, it's having such an impact on yours. I'm so glad you have support in your family and GP and speaking to a psychologist as well. They are positive steps.

I really hope the restrictions ease quickly for you all. The release today was token gesture but in the big picture, still no real light for people like you suffering through the lock down. Stay strong.

ED.

Dear 815~

OK, I've found your thread and will watch from here. As for my (late) wife, you are right, she was amazing.

I'll put a word of caution in here, just becuse my wife remained, that is no reflection on anyone else. I am unique, so was she, as was our situation. It is not the same for all.

Nobody is a bottomless well of strenght and care, no matter how much they love. If it becomes too much then it is too much. No blame attached to pausing or leaving.

It's funny how thngs turned out. When later I became better I always felt ashamed, guilty and most unhappy with how I treated her, angry, cold, no intimacy, controlling if I could and a general real black hole in family life.

Even though I came to recognize it was not me but the PTSD, depression and anxiety that was in charge I till felt that way.

Much later on she succumbed to a lingering fatal illness, spending 9 months in hospital. I was there for her, after work a visit then phone calls later that night every day. A truly horrible time but I'm grateful, it allowed me to return the support (and also showed me I could do it) so she never felt alone.

Croix

Hi ED,

Thanks again for your reply and your support.

Things have still been tough since I last wrote. No light at the end of the tunnel yet, no lifting of the fog. However, I am still here and holding on as much as I can.

How are things on your end? I hope you're doing alright.

Hi KG82,

Thank you for this response and your ongoing virtual support. I don't think I had a chance to personally reply to it earlier. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? I hope you're doing OK. Post an update if you feel up to it.

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for finding me and posting here. And for watching my story unfold.

I'm sorry to hear about your late wife. However I am also happy to hear that you have learned so much from the process of it all and are now able to give love and support to others, especially to those of us in these difficult situations right now.

I understand that every situation is different, every person unique. I am came on here to find hope and even though I don't have the answers yet, and I don't know what will happen next, I am still here day by day, getting through and finding hope. And I think that is all that I really need right now. And I hope one day to look back on these times, and that no matter the outcome, know that I didn't give up. I think that is the most important part for me, and for my family.

815,

I think you are learning about yourself and that there is a lot of uncertainty .

your incredible honesty and willingness to try different approaches are giving others hope and strength. I hope writing hear and sharing your life helps you in some way.

Hi 815,

I'm glad to hear you're holding on. It's such a difficult time and you're showing so much strength through it all.

I hope now that some of the restrictions have lifted that you can both get some space and alone time to regroup and just have some time out. I can only imagine how hard it's been in the same 4 walls for months on end. It's tough going through what you are at the best of times, but to do it through this crazy year is an enormous show of strength.

I am doing ok. We've always joked that my husband has a 6th sense and he must know I've been talking or not happy because we've had none of the behaviour that lead me here in the first place. Things have been calm and we've even completed some projects. It's a day by day as well, but it's good at the moment.

I hope the last few days have been better for you x

Hi quirkywords,

Thank you so much for your message of encouragement. I do hope that I am able to give hope to others. And hopefully one day, I will be able come back and read over these posts and realise that maybe, we have made progress in whatever form that may be.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. Probably not such public writing, and maybe not so raw and vulnerable. But it does help me to put my thoughts out there and try to make some sense of it all.

Hi ED,

I am so pleased to hear that things are better! Day by day, little by little. It's the best we can do.

I can't say things are better. It's been very clear to me in the past week or so that my children are really struggling with the situation. I have been asking them both what is upsetting them so much. However in the meantime I have spoken to the school to ask for additional support for them and the school psychologists will be speaking to them in the next 2-3 weeks (long waitlist unfortunately). My eldest did finally open up to me yesterday, by way of a note. She wrote, Mummy and Daddy are always yelling at each other and it makes me sad... It breaks my heart to know that my children are suffering through this too. My eldest, is such a brave little girl, and she put the same note on my husband's pillow. She said she was scared I'd be angry by what she had to tell me. But I think she has some sense of relief that she was able to unload what she has been carrying around without a negative reaction. My husband, as far as I know, hasn't spoken to her, however he did give her a kiss when he first got up this morning. He is currently at his sister's house...I suspect to talk to her about these latest developments. I am glad that she is there for him and he has someone to talk to. I have not mentioned it before, but they had a traumatic childhood, and I guess if anyone is to understand what he is going through, it would be her.

In the meantime, I have spoken to a psychologist who is lovely. She encouraged me to be gently assertive with my husband, and to ask him to see a relationship counsellor with me. I was so anxious to have this conversation. However, for better or for worse - he has agreed to come with me. We have an appointment next week. So, at the very least, I will push my way through the storm until then. I do hope he follows through and comes to the appointment, and hopefully it will be the start to working out what the way forward is for our family. I know it is still a long road ahead. And although nothing has changed from a day to day perspective, as my sister in law says, the wheels are in motion...

Hi 815

i find it comforting to know that

a) you have spoken to a psychologist about the issue, to explore ways to assist with your own mental health.

b) you may both be able to see a counsellor, and discuss on som sort of neutral ground.

it is hard when our children get caught in the crossfire.
make sure that you let your child know that what she did was a very hard thing to do, and praise her for her strength to show her feelings on the situation.

i hope things get better over the next couple of weeks

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Thank you for your reply.

I have spoken to my daughter and told her how proud I am of her for speaking out and telling me how she feels. She came and told me that my husband spoke to her also and she said she feels better about it. I'm not sure of the details of their conversation, as that is between them but I am glad that he spoke to her because beneath all of the negativity, it means that the husband and father to my children who I love, is still there somewhere.

I will come back and write here as things progress in the next few weeks.

Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Hi 815,

I too am pleased you are speaking to someone and you had to courage to ask that he sees a counsellor with you. That is a huge step and even better that he agreed. I hope that it happens as well and you can start your road to working out your way forward and what has caused this bump in the road.

It's sad when our kids get caught up in it. Deep down we hope they don't hear or see things, but they do. They are so observant. My son said to me he doesn't like it when daddy yells and hurts me. I nearly balled my eyes out right there but tried to reassure him everything was ok. My son and I are close and he can talk to me about anything and I always tell him it's ok. But I've also noticed he can be disrespectful in the way he talks to me - he's only 6. I'm not a strong person who commands much respect, so I do back down a lot, especially to my husband and my son sees that. I've started to push back but now I'm just being mean apparently.

Anyway, I'm glad you have some positive news even if your day to day hasn't changed. I hope your kids will be ok and you all get through this.

Ps: It's so sad there's such a queue for counselling at the school too... this has been a very bad year. Lock downs may have suppressed Covid, but they've cause a lot more issues than it's protected imo.

Hi ED,

Our appointment is tomorrow. To say I'm anxious, is an understatement!

It's hard to really know where his head is at right now given the lack of communication. However I am planning to just go there on my own tomorrow, and hope that he meets me there. I just don't want him to expect that we're going together and he doesn't show up because I left without him. But I don't think, given our situation, that it is unreasonable for me to expect that we won't be going there together.

I was told by the principal that the wait list is long for the psychologists because of covid which is so sad and unfortunate. I have been trying my best to talk to the children about what they're feeling in the meantime. My eldest has opened up a bit more (she's 10) and she is worried about my husband being angry. All I can tell her is that it's not about her and I've told her that we are going to try our best to work through the problems. My youngest (she's 7) tells me she's upset but it is usually because of whatever is bothering here at the time. I think maybe she just can't find the words to tell me what she's really worried about, so hopefully the psychologists can help with that.

I find that they are a little more disrespectful towards me compared to my husband. I have definitely backed down a lot in my discipline since all of this started and I am sure they can see that and probably feel they can get away with that attitude towards me more these days. I have been trying to talk to them about that as well. I hope things can improve for all of us over time.

Hi 815

talk to him about the travel situation so it is clear if you want to go together, or separately and meet there.

If no response, then i guess as long as you tell him that you will find your own way there aNd for you two to meet, thats all you can do.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for the suggestion. He has basically not communicated with me for many weeks now. I just don't really feel like I can ask him about the travel situation. We are basically living separate lives (although under the same roof). I would actually feel better if we went separately. So I think maybe the best I can do is to let him know that I will meet him there and that way neither of us are making assumptions about the travel situation. However I will give it some thought and see how things go.

Hi 815,

Your situation sounds so difficult. That your communication is so strained must be extremely difficult. Did you end up communicating with him at all prior to the appointment?

How did you go with your appointment? Is it today? I really hope that you make some progress today, however painful that might be. Remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

I spoke to our GP yesterday. He suggested that perhaps I come with him to his next appointment. He suggested that I might have a better awareness of how his mental state is impacting on his own behaviour and those around him and that men often tend to overstate how well they are coping.

My husband is seeing his psychologist today. I really hope that it is helping him.

Hi Zozza,

Nice to hear from you. I'm glad you went to see your husband's GP. Hopefully you can accompany him to his next appointment and I hope his appointment with the psychologist went well.

Thanks for checking in on me. The appointment was this morning and I did not speak to my husband before. My SIL reminded him about it, and he came. It was difficult.

A lot of it was focused on him. When asked about our issues, he surprisingly went first and said that he felt I didn't care about what he was going through and so he felt no need to communicate with me. He then went on to tell the psychologist about his depression.

My husband made it very clear that he expected me to know what to do for him, without him having to tell me. He told the psychologist that if he has to ask me for help, or tell me what he needs, then whatever I do is no longer genuine. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but I did think that the psychologist would be more passive and neutral. But she questioned him a lot and basically told him that he can't have expected me to be a mind reader, and that he needs to start communicating with me. It was interesting for me to hear him say what I had already guessed (that he expected me to be a mind reader) but also interesting to hear a 3rd party say the things that I have been feeling.

I didn't say much, I only spoke when the psychologist asked me questions directly.

I don't know how my husband felt about the appointment. Huge assumption, but if I was him, I'd have been annoyed with the questions she asked. But that is me assuming because he is always annoyed at me when I ask those same questions. Maybe hearing it from a 3rd person is what he needs. However, I can tell that he is not in a very good place by what he was saying.

Because of this, I thought he wasn't ready to deal with relationship counselling. And I still don't think he's really ready, but I do also think that it is better for us to start communicating now even if it is only in front of someone else.

She has asked us to try to spend time together, sitting on the couch or going for a walk. We both reluctantly agreed to this. And he also agreed, although I still felt reluctantly, to see her again in two weeks.

Today was pretty raw. However I at least know what he is thinking, whether I agree with it or not is a different story. For tonight though, I am pretty exhausted. So I will take some time for me, before I try to ask him to spend some time together.

This definitely sounds like progress.

It is really good that your husband got to hear from a 3rd party that it is unfair to expect you to be a mind reader and know what to do for him. Although it sounds to me like you might think he wasn't ready to hear this and that it might cause more conflict? I suppose the risk is that it will make him more angry and more misunderstood. But there is also the chance that he might take it on board and realise how unfair he is being.

I would also argue that it is really unfair for him to expect you to do anything about his own problems. He needs to take ownership of his own problems. It's not your responsibility to look after him. You have shown him that you are there for him and that's really all you can do.

My husband is sort of the opposite. He feels that I try to help him too much. He wants me to just leave him alone to work things out and look after myself. I am finding that really difficult. I want to be there with him in the darkness, sharing his pain. But at least he seems to have progressed a little from feeling as if the problems are external to himself - to wanting to own his problems and realising that the problems come from within. It sounds like this is something that your husband is yet to do.

I hope that you are feeling ok.

Hi Zozza,

Thank you again for replying and checking in. It honestly warms my heart to know that someone out there can care enough to check in. I guess I am doing OK. I've had time to reflect on things a little. Yesterday I caught up with my SIL for coffee for a bit of a debrief of the counselling session. Then I had a psychologist appointment, and then met with a friend for lunch.

My SIL met with my husband for lunch after chatting to me. She told me afterwards that he said he would go to the next appointment. And she said that it sounds like he will keep going so she said that's at least one less thing to worry about. I'm really not sure what his intentions are for going, but I can only hope that regardless of his words deep down he is there to try and work things out with me. He is also seeing a new psychologist, so I am hoping that will help him too.

My own psychologist has asked me to try and re-engage with my husband also. As difficult as she knows this will be, she says I need to feel brave enough to do that even if it means being ignored or rejected. But it will hopefully give me a feeling of empowerment, to know that I own my actions and that regardless of the outcome I still tried and gave it all I had.

I guess like you said, he still has a lot to work through about owning his problems and trying to resolve them for himself. I've said many times that there were two roads for us. One would be for him to work on himself first, then work on us once he's in a better frame of mind. And the other is to do both at the same time since I seem to be a big issue for him right now. And I guess we have taken the latter path of seeking help together, while also seeking help individually. I guess I have to trust in the professionals, but also trust in us.

But now, I am faced with another difficult task of trying to get my husband to spend time with me, and trying to re-engage with him. Because I know that for right now he probably won't initiate any of this. So I will have to find the courage to do it for us for now.

I can see how your situation can be difficult too. Having your husband not want your support, whatever the reason, is so heartbreaking. I hope you're doing and that things will get better for you and your family day by day too.

Hi 815

its a very trying time for you all, i can see. I hope that you are getting enough support and guidance through it all.

by what you have said, i does sound positive. I hope this weekend opens some doors.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

It certainly is a trying time. I do have a support network. However I feel sometimes that I am over burdening them so that makes it a bit difficult too.

I know I need to look at the positives - he came to the session, and is planning to come to the next one and seems like he will keep coming. The feedback from his SIL on his new psychologist is that she also seems better than his last one. So that is also a positive. And I have an insight into his mind which I haven't had for many weeks.

I guess what I have come to realise is that, love alone will not be enough for his recovery. He needs proper medical help, which he is getting. However I know the recovery will still be long and difficult, with many bumps in the road.

I worry for my children a lot, how they will get through this. I am doing my best to be there for them and reassure them that things will be OK. But it is hard to be convincing when I have doubts in my own mind. However I hope we can learn something from this once we are through it.

I am really reluctant to try to initiate spending time with my husband to re-engage. But it is what my own psychologist, as well as the relationship counsellor have asked of me in the next two weeks. I am reluctant to try because I am worried that his reaction will be negative. However, I guess this isn't anything new to me, and I think I will be able to handle a negative reaction, more than I can handle the idea of going the next two weeks knowing that I didn't try...

Because if I don't try, we will never be able to move forward.