Topic: Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

815

my heart nearly brakes when I read your posts so honest and helpful to everyone reading.

I found your words so powerful.

"I guess what I have come to realise is that, love alone will not be enough for his recovery. He needs proper medical help, which he is getting. However I know the recovery will still be long and difficult, with many bumps in the road."

I think when you have loved someone for a long time and have got through other hard times it is a challenge to realise that while love is important it may not be enough.

I do sometimes wish that love was enough! But that is foolish thinking. Depression is an illness and it needs treatment just like any other illness. Your marriage is not the cause or the cure - remember that.

I can imagine you must be fearing rejection if you attempt to reconnect with your husband. You can start with small things though. It doesn't have to be anything big or scary - baby steps is all it takes. Have you thought about what you might be able to suggest you do together?

Hi quirkywords,

It is definitely heart breaking. I hope that my words are helpful to others. I think it's good to know that although love alone can't fix it, it is still important.

I hope you're well.

Hi Zozza,

Thanks for your post and your words. I hope you remember your own advice too :)

I think we are both trying to do the best we can for the men we love and in the end, we can only do our best and hope that will be enough for them to find their way back to us during their recovery.

In the past week, I feel I have gotten a little braver and I am starting to actually communicate with my husband again. Not about anything big. But simple questions, like what he wants for lunch, or would he like a cup of tea. He mostly just shakes his head. I can only keep trying to ask those things with no expectation for a response. However I will take a shake of the head as a response, even though not verbal.

We have yet to spend actual time together. I am not really sure if we are ready for that but I will keep trying to at least communicate with him and see where that leads. It has to start somewhere and I know he won't be initiating any of it so for now I will have to take the lead and hope that at some point he will meet me somewhere along the road.

HI 815,

I'm sorry I have not checked in for a while. It's hard to find time where I won't be interrupted or seen (this is my secret venting place). I have read your updates and it's great that you went to the session together and he spoke so you could get an idea of what he is thinking. I think it's good that you deep down already knew so that part wasn't a surprise to you and you could at least feel a little vindicated in your thoughts and feelings.

As for your time together, I can't imagine how much this must be knotting you up. I know I'd certainly be anxious about this and the response. All I can think of is something simple like watching his favourite movie together on the couch - even if you're on one side and he's on the other. Cook some popcorn so you have something to occupy yourselves and see how it goes. There's no pressure to talk then as you're watching a movie. Just a thought?

As for the kids, this is probably the hardest thing of all. We want to protect them so much but we also want to keep the family unit together. I'm finding the hardest thing knowing which is the right way. I admire you for your strength and determination to keep your family together and hold it together yourself. You're doing amazing!

Hi emotionallydrained,

Thanks for checking in, but don't apologise for that. I am always hopeful that when people don't check in here regularly it is because things have improved and are going well.

The past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster, and today I am feeling really exhausted, hurt and confused.

I asked my husband on Monday if he had time for a walk with me. He said maybe. We ended up walking around the block, it was only 10-15 mins, I asked a couple of questions, he answered. Yesterday I asked if I could walk with him to pick the kids up from school. He shrugged, and said 'if you want'. So I went with him. We didn't talk. Just walked. On the way home we bumped into our BIL who was picking up our nephew so we didn't speak on the way home. For those two walks, I am grateful and I had some hope.

Today we saw the relationship counsellor. I had wondered whether we were in a position to drive there together. In the end I decided for my own wellbeing that I would drive there on my own. I just remember feeling really numb after the last session and I didn't want to come home. After today, I am just really confused.

We go to these sessions and he says some truly awful things. He still insists that I should have known how to help him, when he admitted that he himself doesn't know what he expected me to do. He is still unwilling to forgive me for that and admitted that he can hold a grudge forever. He also said that he doesn't see himself recovering from depression.

But earlier in the week he was willing to walk with me and he has been a bit more responsive to questions when I speak to him. And after the session he still comes home, and he acts as if nothing has happened. He still eats the meals I cook him. He is still here.

And I can continue to tell myself that it is the depression that is making him say those things in our sessions. And then I can even convince myself that he still must care to be willing to try. I guess it's the whole thing of two steps forward, one step back. And I know it will be like this for a long time yet. I am not out of hope yet. I guess I just know that we are early on the journey and I am already exhausted. I want to fight and I don't want to give up. I just hope I have the strength to stay by his side until the walls come down.

Hi 815

i dont like the feeling of being powerless to help, especially in my family, so i really do feel for you in what is going on. Im sure that blaming you for not knowing what to do is really not the right thing to do, but from experience it does sound like the depression talking, not your husband. Its kind of like the stages of grief.

it is really positive that youve been able to go on walks, even if it is in complete silence.

As for your husbands depression, i cant say for sure that it will ever be ‘recovered’, at least from my point of view (im young...ish and have only been on the journey maybe a dozen years)!but i know people that have been working hard at it for more than half their life and have good days and bad days. I guess the point is that your husband (and you) need to learn strategies to make the depression less severe and manageable...but dont let that scare you. As long as you have strength you can carry on together.

from what i have been reading there is not a lot that you could have done to change the outcome, so dont beat yourself up. It seems to me that you have very very strong, taken some sort of leadership, and pushed through it, taking the right roads.

Keep pushing, and make sure to take care of your own health too.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Thank you for your reply.

I know you are right. This will probably be something that we will need to manage for the rest of our lives. I guess we are both still learning. It is a bit daunting, and scary. But the scarier thought for me is not being able to do it together. So I have to keep trying. For all of us.

It's been a little while since I posted. I have been exhausted just trying to get through day to day life. However we are still here.

My exhaustion comes from my worry over the impact this is having on our children. And I feel like so much of it is out of my control. I am doing the best I can to assure them they are loved, and that day by day we are working on trying to make things better. I have explained to them what I can when they do open up and talk to me, but it is still very difficult for them.

My husband's GP has increased his medication. But my husband's moods are still very negative. I am confused most of the time as to what to think or do. I try to carry on and communicate with him on day to day stuff but I try to keep it minimal because he has made it really clear that he does not want me around him.

We got a puppy last week. So we were able to at least go together and pick her up as a family, awkward as it was on the long drive there and home. We put the Christmas tree up as a family. We also had my nephew's birthday lunch yesterday which he came to, again, awkward as it was. He was mad all morning, slamming doors and basically huffing and puffing around the house. But he still came. He left early (to check on the puppy - we live around the corner so it's easy enough for him to just walk home).

I'm just really confused about everything. I don't know whether any of this is helping. Yes, he is no longer ignoring me. Yes, we have been able to do some things as a 'family' even though we don't speak to each other. If I ask to accompany him to walk to school to pick the kids up, he just shrugs and says, 'if you want', so I go with him. But he is still very cold towards me and I am dreading what he has to say in our next relationship counselling appointment.

But the little things that he has allowed me to do, walk with him, no longer ignoring me - I guess this is just what he is capable of giving right now? I still do feel day by day that nothing much is changing...but I am still carrying hope. That some day I'll look back on all this and realise how far we've come.

Hi 815.

continuing to do what you are doing is very difficult, but it sounds as though things are looking up. Keep a firm hold of that hope.

The things you discuss on here may be things to discuss with the counsellor / psych.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for your reply. I guess these things that are happening are 'positive' in a sense but he is also still so cold to me that it still hurts a lot. And I know I cant expect things to change drastically overnight. So I have to be patient.

My friend described it to me as him having a broken leg, and him not being able to walk. But he still somehow hobbled along and went to my sister's house for my nephew's birthday. But instead, it's is emotions and mental health that is broken. And I just have to remember that even though it's broken, he's still trying. And that's the hope I need to hold on to.

I am still finding it very difficult to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings into words in our couples counselling sessions. The sessions so far (2 of them) have been heavily focused on his depression and how angry and disappointed he is in me for not knowing how to help him without him having to ask for help. And I have been taking the time to listen to him, and try to understand where his hurtful words are coming from.

815,

I can feel your exhaustion and your pain and frustration. Yiu see he is still your husband the man you have been married to and loved fir man years,Hiwever he is so different.

zi have said this before I think that anger and disappointment that is directed .

At you as he felt so hopeless and helpless and wanted you to fix him. Obviously unreasonable but depression is cruel and really makes you see things differently.

I can see the toll it has taken on you and I think your so patient..

As you know there is no easy solution and it take a long time.

I think it took me more than 20 years to really gain and insight int o my mood swings.

Everyday I know I hurt the ones I loved and now I concentrate on the present as I can’t change my past.

All I know is I and others have learnt so much from your honest insights.

Thank you quirkywords. If people can find some hope in my words, then I am humbled.

I too have learned a lot from your insights. And I do hope with time, as a family, we can heal together and find ways to manage our situation.

I guess it is just a day to day struggle right now. For now, I am grateful though that we are still getting through each day, messy as it may be.

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to post a small update for anyone following my story...for anyone who needs a little hope. Because I came on here, initially, seeking hope.

Through all of the insights, advice and support I have gained from everyone on here so far, last night, I was able to find the courage to ask my husband when his next GP appointment was. He said it is in 2 weeks. I asked if it would be OK for me to go with him. His response was, "If you want." I know this is not a very committed response, but if you have been reading my story then you'll know that previous responses to such questions were mostly "no" or "why" or "what do you care".

I asked if he could please let me know when it is, and he said yes. He hasn't yet, but it is still 2 weeks away. And I know a lot can change in that time. We are by no means through the thick of this yet. And I know we have a long way to go. A whole life time, I imagine. But if I look back on where I was when I first started this thread, I can only take this as a very small, but positive step forward in our journey of navigating depression, together.

That's great news and a big step from where you were at the start of the thread.

Fingers crossed he lets you know the time and day closer to the appt so you can both be there. x

815

thanks for letting us know. It is a small positive step in the right direction.

take care

815

picture the Fonz, both thumbs up. “Eeey!”

Very happy at the positive little steps.

Not_Batman

Hi 815, at first it's not neccessarily what you can do together but more so what he is able to do by himself to show any improvement, let's say all he was able to accomplish was just sit down and do nothing all day, so if he was capable of going to his shed and just clean it up, even if it's a fraction, then this shows an improvement in how he's feeling.

I know it's exciting to show your joy, but when I was coming out of depression this certainly happened to me, but the over joyfulness made me feel uncomfortable.

It's sad this does occur because you must be so pleased, and all I'm saying is to be happy and encouraging the way he's thinking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply.

I guess the thing about my husband's depression is, it hasn't really impacted his ability to do anything else other than talk to me and spend time with me, which in turn has impacted the time we are able to spend together with the kids, as a family. Through all of this, he has been able to maintain his job, still do everything he had done previously around the house, etc. I can imagine that doing those things may have been difficult and required a lot of motivation, however he was still able to do them. Maybe doing those things seems a little easier for him now, but this I don't know as he still refuses to speak to me.

This is why him actually replying to my questions, and allowing me to spend, even 10 minutes to walk to school to pick up the kids with him, is an improvement for me.

But I do understand what you mean about the joy being somewhat uncomfortable too. And that is why I understand that we need to take small steps over a long period of time. And I also expect that there will be setbacks along the way. However I do also think that this shouldn't stop me from trying a little more each time. I just have to be prepared for rejection along the way.

Update from our relationship session last Friday - He is still angry. He doesn't want to just forgive me that easily. He thinks we can get through this, however he knows it won't be the same. He said he wants to host Christmas at our house for his family (approx. 30 people) but doesn't want my help. When asked if we wanted to book another appointment, for the first time, I was the one to hesitate, and he went ahead and booked the next appointment which is next Friday. She gave us the option to wait until after Christmas but he said let's just do it in two weeks, so we are seeing her again next Friday. So I guess he is still willing to work on things.

Day to day life update -I walked with him to pick the kids up from school earlier in the week. I told him I would buy Christmas presents for the kids on his side, he said OK. Yesterday, we took our puppy to the vet, just he and I. We were able to ride in the car together and I asked a couple of questions about everyday stuff. I did most of the talking, though not a lot. Despite him saying he doesn't want my help to host Christmas, I will go ahead and do what needs to be done (house cleaning, food prep, etc).

Kids update - we talked a lot about the kids in our last counselling session together. I realise that I haven't been a proper parent to them in that I have been letting them get away with a lot of awful behaviour. I guess I have been over compensating for his lack of reassurance to the kids that things will be OK. We both have changed our behaviour towards them a little bit. with me being less tolerant of the bad behaviour, and him a bit more engaged with them. They seem to be doing a little better, but as kids are they still try to push. However I am trying to set more boundaries for them.

All in all, I guess some small positive steps forward despite some setbacks along the way. I just have to keep doing what needs to be done for us all to get through this. And keep holding onto hope.

815

thanks for your updates.
I feel the nature of your posts are changing as little steps are taken and there is some hope now. The fact you can do a few things and discuss your children with a relationship counsellor is a good start.

Hi 815,

I just came on here mainly to see how you are going.

It's hard to understand why he's being so unfair and unreasonable. I suppose it must seem reasonable to him. It's so obvious to me that you have tried to help him and that you're being supportive. What do you think is behind this focus on you? Is he just projecting do you think? Could past trauma be making him feel the need to be intensely independent and push you away?

I think you must be such a good, patient, loving person to be able to hear him blame you for his problems and not get angry at him or decide enough is enough. I have a lot of admiration for you.

It does sound like you're making progress - baby steps - but still progress. I hope things continue to improve. It does sound like he has a lot of work to do on himself.

Hey Zozza,

I really appreciate you checking in on me, especially knowing that you are going through your own difficult situation.

I haven't mentioned this before but my husband hasn't had the best childhood and there are other issues from his past (before me). And I can guess what has triggered the depression, although he hasn't opened up to me about it. But I do know that he is dealing with a lot of stuff from the past, and he is questioning a lot of his life. And unfortunately, that includes me.

As to why it is on me personally...I can only guess at this point in time that I am one of the only people in his life who truly loved him and I have always been able to help him in the past, and as quirkywords wrote in one of her posts, he must have been in a really hopeless and helpless place, and expected me to fix or save him in a way. And I couldn't...

The truth of it is, that I am angry too. I'm hurt and I do sometimes feel that, enough is enough. But I guess like you, I feel like I need to be strong, for everyone. Including myself. And while he has a choice to continue to be angry at me, as messed up as it sounds, I feel he wouldn't be so angry, if he truly didn't care. But at the same time, I also have a choice. My psychologist also wants me to feel empowered, to feel that I have a choice in my part in this. And for me at the moment, that choice is to keep trying to find ways to communicate, to connect and stay here with him.

Although he doesn't initiate conversation, he no longer ignores me. The issue I have now is that when he does answer my questions, he speaks to me quite rudely, even in front of the kids. But one step at a time I guess.

I asked him if he would come with us for the kids to take a photo with Santa, and he said he would. On the day of the booking, I asked him again if he was coming, his response was, "You asked me to come, didn't you?" And he did come in the end.

Similarly I tried to follow up on his GP appointment. He told me he hadn't booked it yet. And I asked again if he'd let me know, and his response was, "Yes, you've already asked me that."

So I can see that in his way, even though I imagine these things are difficult for him to do, he is still doing them, for me and the kids.

We have our next relationship counselling session on Friday. I am still in two minds about asking if we should just go together. I suspect he will say. But he can't say yes if I don't ask.

I'm really anxious about today's relationship counselling session for some reason.
I can feel a lot of anger/tension around him the past few days...

Hi 815.

understandable because its not something you can immediately fix. Sends your mind thinking what if, and the fear of the unknown increases the anxiety.

Try to Take it as it comes, and do the best you can with it. If i give you some clay and asked you to make a sculpture, i dont expect you to sculpt venus de milo.

just be calm and gentle with each other.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for replying so quickly. I know we will get through today's session. I'm just tired and don't really know what to do or say anymore. I feel like almost everything I offer is met with so much resistance and negativity. And I undesrstand, it's the depression.

I am trying to be gentle. And calm. I wish so much that he would try too but I guess the fact that he is still here is all he can give right now.

Hi everyone,

I am still here. Day by day. Things have gone a bit backwards. However, I guess this is expected. And I would like to think that the fallout from the events of the last few days are less negative than previous blow ups. And I know that there will be ups and downs along the way. I think that what is important for me to realise is that we have made some progress since the last blow up. And we are not in as bad a place as we have been. It's still bad, just not as bad.

And I have also come to realise (again but maybe with more conviction) that there are only certain things I can control, and that is my own behaviour. I have to give him time and space to heal, while still being here to provide whatever love, support and care I can.

I guess right now I am just after some advice, suggestions or thoughts around how to deal with this time of year.

We have Christmas Eve tomorrow which will be at my Mum's place. When I told him she was hosting he just said 'yeah' or 'ok'. I suspect he will come. However I am not even quite sure how to act around him anymore. Then we are hosting Christmas Day for his extended family which I am OK with. I imagine we'll be too busy trying to make sure everyone is OK to even worry too much about each other.

But then we have his birthday next week and I'm just not even sure how to handle that. I bought him a gift. I know he won't want to make a big deal about it but I wanted him to have something. I'm not even sure whether it will just upset him more that I've even thought to buy him something. Or if it'll upset him if I ask if he wants to do something (even just a nice dinner at home) to 'celebrate'.

Then there will be New Years Eve which again will probably be at my Mum's house (though I suspect if we can get through Christmas Eve then we can get through NYE. The week after that is our wedding anniversary! And the week after that is our youngest daughter's birthday.

I guess I am just feeling anxious about all of these events that are social and meant to be joyous, and how to interact with him...any thoughts on how these should be handled?

Hi 815.

that is quite a jam packed few weeks.

be sure to take it one step at a time, and if you are feeling overwhelmed, take a little break.

Not_Batman