Topic: Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

815 I hope your Christmas Day was ok. I know you have a busy week ahead.

I hope taking one step at a time will help you this week.

Hi 815, I just want to say that this time of year is also really hard for me and I am struggling a lot. It involves a lot of playing happy families around other people, and it's so hard to know how to pretend to be normal when everything is not normal. Christmas is also a reminder that there used to be so much joy and love in our lives. So there is grief too, about what has been lost. It's so hard.

We also have our wedding anniversary in January.

It makes it so hard if you can't communicate with him about your expectations and he isn't be clear with you about what he needs.

I think you just have to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to not necessarily hold it all together at this time. You are strong, but you are not a superwoman. Get support around you. Allow yourself to rely on others if you need.

Also, take some time out for yourself over the next few weeks if you can. That's the only way that I am surviving this at the moment.

Take care.

Hi Zozza,

I had been thinking about you too during this time and how you were going. You are right, I think what I feel the most is the loss of love and joy during this time, especially for the children. I hope you are getting through the days OK.

We had Christmas Eve at my Mum's house. I sat next to him for most of the night, even though we didn't speak. It was the best I could do. We made it through Christmas Day, and although he didn't initiate conversation with me, he didn't avoid me and if I did speak to him he was polite enough. We even managed to take a family photo in front of the Christmas tree, which I have been using as a reminder that, despite what else is going on, we are still a family...

It has been an intense few days but we have made it through. Today he is out of the house playing golf while the children are at my Mum's house. So I've had the house to myself. I spent the morning sleeping as I feel exhausted. I've done a few chores and now just sitting here in front of my computer typing this. In some ways, it is easier when he is not here...and I know he will be home soon but there is a part of me that hopes he will be out just that little bit longer as I need some time to myself too.

Wednesday is his birthday...and I think this is the event that I'm most anxious about. I don't know whether to even ask if he would like to have his sister and family over for dinner. Or just not even acknowledge the day as I don't want to upset him? I know he won't be 'happy' on his birthday, but it is still his birthday...

Hi 815,

I admire your strength in handling the situation, you are a very strong woman. It is very hard to deal with people with depression, it is hard work, I occasionally question myself how on earth did I end up like this! My inner voice told me everything happens for a reason. I must say I learnt a lot from reading you threads and some form of therapy for me.

My partner has depression too, I did not know my family was crumbling until Covid19, when I had to work from home. He was very broken, stress and angry and depress. I managed to talk him to see a psychologist, I have not seen much improvement yet but at least there is more ups then downs. All I can describe his situation is like, he is lost or stuck in a well or dark hole, I am holding the rope trying to pull him out, but his vision is so cloudy and blur that he can't see. Last night, I finally asked him if he was suicidal, he looked at me weirdly and said no. (which is a relief)

I believe his mental health caused by childhood trauma, I asked his family members none of them were able to tell me anything apart from he had perfect childhood, he was just being difficult. He got involved with wrong group of friends during his adolescence years , got into a lot of trouble such as AOD. To me, I see this as crying for parents' attention.

I know my partner's recovery journey may be long, I have to look after myself too. I read and researched a lot about mental health just to have better knowledge and how to handle the situation at home and I am seeing a psychologist to work on strategies. We are working communication on our next session.

Please look after yourself and Have a better New Year.

Hi Blue Banded Bee (and everyone else),

I am glad you posted here to share your experience and glad that you have found this thread helpful.

I hope everyone has managed to find some joy in the past week and looking forward to a happier new year.

I am still here. We made it through the busy week, although I am now exhausted and feeling drained. Some days I think I have come to terms with the fact that this will be the way our life is, for a long time. Then there are moments where I just can't see any light, and I don't know how we will make it through. But at the end of each day that we are still here together, I am grateful.

I worry for my children a lot though. This is taking a huge toll on them. They will be at my Mum's house during the days while I work so hopefully that will provide them some joy and some time out from this environment.

My husband has started on new medication, this will be the third one he is trying. I only know because he has left it out on the bench for me to see.

We have another relationship counselling session but that is not until next Friday. I will be seeing my psychologist on the same day but in the morning. Although to be honest right now, I am just tired of talking.

I am just doing my best to take care of the kids, and take care of my husband in ways that he will let me (cook, clean, pay bills) and I just hope that one day, he will remember all of this, and that although I wasn't able to fix him, that I was always here.

Hi 815.

that last point...

you’re spot on, you cant fix him, as much as you want to. That is for him to focus on. You can aide by providing the help and support. I do hope that you husband does remember.

I wish you both strength and encouragement for the new year.

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

Once again, thank you for your encouragement and support.

I honestly don't know what 'help and support' to provide my husband anymore. All I can do is look after our children as best I can, and keep our household going by cooking, cleaning, working to pay bills, etc.

I am doing my best to find opportunities to reach out to him, but he spends a lot of time in the spare bedroom and I know he needs his space to I leave him be a lot.

It was his birthday last week. I ended up asking if he wanted to invite his sister over for dinner. He initially refused. But then the next day sent her a msg to ask if she wanted to come. I got him a gift which my daughters gave him. He told them he liked it, at least he didn't get upset about it. While his sister was here for dinner he was sitting at the dining table by himself. I took the opportunity to ask if he was OK. He said yes. So I left him at that. I just hope those little things, will be gentle reminders to him that I am still here.

Hi everyone,

Just posting here because I don't know what else to do.

I am back at work (from home) and the kids have been going to my Mum's house during the day so I can work without distraction, and so they can have a bit of joy and time away from the issues at home.

I feel so sad for my husband. He is on leave from work until the end of this week and has been spending his days in the spare bedroom with the door closed. Yesterday I found the courage to knock on the door. He growled at me and said 'what?' I know he could have just ignored me. I opened the door and said that I just wanted to check that he was alright. He said, 'I'm fine.' I walked in and told him I brought him his water bottle. I left it on the table and left.

I am finding it so difficult to know what is best for him. I know he probably needs space. So I want to give him that. But I also know that him being alone so much is not great either. I don't want to push him. But I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him. And I am exhausted everyday from all of this.

But I know I must go on and just take each day as it comes.

Today is our wedding anniversary.
A couple of days ago he sent me a text message to say he had made a booking for lunch today. It is just for the two of us.
Neither of us have spoken to each other.
I know I should accept this for what it is. A kind and loving gesture.
I really have no idea what to expect.
I'm so confused and anxious.

Dear 815~

When I was really ill I would know in a small part of my mind I was being unfair and unkind to my wife, though that did not stop me as depression was all.

If I were you I would take it as a gesture that he knows he is not doing you right. I sometimes made my wife a cuppa out of the blue for the same reason

You may not be able to talk much together during the date, but I strongly suggest you keep it light and reminisce on things you have enjoyed together -not ask about intentions or the future - or go there if asked except to say you are a constant in his life.

I beleive, looking at how I was, you do not want him to feel pressured, just glad to see you and associate you with happier times.

Please let us know how it went

Croix

Dear 815,

I am glad to hear your husband made effort to book anniversary lunch, good on him!

I have slight improvement at home and situation is a bit pleasant, he is not so angry, negative and more cheerful. We went out for NYE lunch, that was our 1st restaurant outing since March covid lock down, followed by bush walk next day, that has helped my partner's mental health, he is more cheerful, we are able to have decent proper conversation since then. His attitude is more positive , he is even more productive in the kitchen making dinner, making jam , baking etc. These are the things he enjoys doing. I am aware that his journey to recovery is still very long but, for a start this good sign.

Yesterday our little boy asked me if Daddy will be moving back to sleep in our bedroom, I told him I don't know and reassure him that Daddy is always welcome to sleep in the bedroom again anytime when he is ready. I guess that is the best answer and I make sure my partner heard the conversation, and I reiterated to him, he just smiled and kept quiet rather than snapped at me.

I have been working from home since March and this week I had to go back to office due to shortage of staff. Initially, I was a bit heavy hearted, but seeing the positive improvement, I was relief to go back to office. Every morning before leaving the house, I make sure I tell him I love him and his response is have a nice day. I guess that is another improvement. Even our close family friend notice the difference in him.

815, have you considered going back to office to work for a day or 2 a week or fortnight? I find that time away helped me and him .

I know it can be very draining for us. Like you, I am just focusing on taking care of my child, my partner, making dinner, making sure bills and mortgage are paid. and I have also reading inner peace quotes online and writing down them down as my own self care kit to keep my sanity intact. Also, I started writing down his up days and down days in my diary, hopefully one day i won't be needing the diary anymore.

2020 was challenging for all of us, that is why we are here to support each other. 2021 is going to be better year for us here.

Hi 815,

I'm sorry I haven't logged on for a while. I just wanted to see how you were going and how you got through Christmas etc.

I read your posts and there are good things in there and also some sad ones - it seems a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Like was mentioned before, his anger toward only you is concerning. Your patience and support in this situation have been inspirational. I do hope your husband does remember this. :)

How did your anniversary lunch go? I can imagine this would have been hard for you and 100% understand your anxiety over it.

Are you ok?

ED.

Hello to everyone who has replied since I last posted, and to those who are reading.

Croix - thank you as always for your words. You truly give me hope.
Blue Banded Bee - I am glad to hear that things are improving for you. Keep doing what you're doing and stay strong. The diary sounds like a great idea. I find writing on here helps me too to process my feelings. Unfortunately we are not allowed back in the office work at the moment.
ED - thank you for checking in. How are you doing?

Life is certainly a rollercoaster of emotions. I know it will be like this, many ups and downs.

So we went to lunch. He didn't speak to me. He just got in the car and waited for me when it was time to leave. We drove together in silence. When we got there he poured me some water, then after some time asked me if I was ready to order. We ordered. I gave him a small gift. He told me he didn't buy me anything and I said it was fine. Our food came. We ate. In silence. He asked if I wanted dessert and I said I was OK. We went home, in silence. And we went to our separate areas of the house. There was a lot I wanted to say. But at the same time, I had no words. The silence was neither awkward, nor comfortable. It was just silence. But I felt it was what was needed. For us to be there together, on our day. And I know that what he did would have taken a lot of courage and I thanked him after for taking me to lunch.

The following night, he was sitting in the TV room watching TV. So I asked if he wanted company. He said OK. So we sat and watched TV together, again in silence. On Sunday morning he came to me and asked if I wanted a coffee. So I said yes please and he made me one.

We have not really spoken since then. I feel that my husband is right there, just behind the wall. And it is taking all my self control to not just run at that wall full steam ahead and try to break it down for him. Because I realise that he needs to do that. I am very emotional about it all but I realise that the events of the past few days are probably a lot for both of us to process. I am grateful for his efforts but I need to allow him to do things in his own time. I am just finding it hard to separate my hope from expectations.

We have relationship counselling on Friday so it will be interesting to see how that goes.

But in the meantime, for anyone reading and going through something similar, please hold onto hope.

Dear 815~

I think that is probably the best you could have hoped for and is a pretty good event. Just not seeing you as a cause of pressure is a fabulous thing. Silence can be all sorts of hings, probably a bit of worry on his part, but an inability to do anything, at least fro now.

Then to agree to company is somethng I gather he has refused before, and that too is great, as was the coffee (sound familiar?)

I can well imagine what you want to say, and the answers you need, and it takes great strength of will to keep quiet, maybe just gently introducing the "Do you remember when's ..." about enjoyable past events if something came up on TV that prompted it.

There are no guarantees, all you can do is follow the best path you can and hope. I'm not sure about the counseling, it would depend a lot of the experience and good sense of the counselor. Dealing with someone suffering depression is not the same as dealing wiht a self-centered husband - very far from it, a whole different approach.

Croix

.

Dear Croix,

I think that is what I've come to realise. That he needs to know that I am here, but without any expectations, no pressure to speak or do anything. For him to just be silent if that's what he needs. I think for a long time, I expected him to have answers when he just doesn't. And that the comfort of those answers are more for my sake, than his. It is still not an easy road to take, however it is just what I need to do for him right now.

And yes, he has refused company in the past. And the coffee made my smile as it reminded me of what you said about sometimes making your wife a cuppa. Yesterday, he walked to the front of the house where the study is, to give me a donut that he bought while he was out. He still doesn't speak to me, but I know that these little acts are what he can do for me right now and I am forever grateful.

With regards to relationship counselling, we have been to 4 sessions already. The main focus of our sessions has been his depression. Our counsellor is well aware of his depression and she has given him strategies to try to help with it, but also trying not to interfere with his own counselling sessions with his own psychologist.

I originally asked if he would go to relationship counselling with me on the advice of many health professionals, including his own GP. The reason being, his anger was focussed purely on me, but he was refusing to communicate with me and it was impacting all of us, including the kids. It has given me a huge insight into what he is going through, which I would not have had a chance to have. And I have come to realise through these sessions that he needs a lot of time and space to heal.

But I am here and still hopeful.

Hi 815

like Croix mentioned, the lunch date turned out the best you could hope for under the circumstances.

is your husband introverted by any chance?

i get a lot of ‘we dont talk much anymore’ from Mrs Not_Batman, which i can understand. Though im quite the introvert and enjoy just having the company. I have tried to open up more, but im not the best at striking up conversation, and really only talk when spoken to. Is it possible that your husband is similar.

Take it as a positive that you can spend time together. However silent it is. I dont know if this is too far, but have the two of you put on some music and danced around to it?

Not_Batman

Hi Not_Batman,

I definitely agree. The lunch date was as a definite positive for me, as have been some of the events/actions in the following days. I don't expect anything. But am definitely hopeful.

I would say my husband is more an extrovert, in that he prefers to be around people and socialise. However he is a man of few words, but they are always meaningful. With me, before all of this, he would talk a lot. But depression has changed him a lot. And he worries that he may never be the same again.

For right now, I am OK without words. Actions always speak louder than words anyway.

I love the suggestion of music and dancing. But I think we are still some time away from that.

In any case, for right now, I am hopeful and will just keep trying to give him the space that he need, accept his gestures gratefully and just continue to be here for him.

I guess I am just anxious about our relationship session on Friday because in the past he has said very hurtful things and it is definitely wearing me down. I'm just not sure how much more hurtful stuff I can hear.

Hi 815,

Reading your posts the one thing that stands out to me is your patience and strength.

I don't have any advice at the moment except to keep positive. There are some positive things to hold onto there and I hope the hurtful comments ease up soon and he can overcome his anger toward you. x

Thanks ED. I am not a patient person naturally, so this has been a really trying time for me in that sense.

To be fair, he has not said anything hurtful to me lately. But a lot of it gets said during our relationship counselling sessions which is why I am anxious about tomorrow.

I am definitely doing my best to stay positive and hopeful, but trying to not have any expectations is the hard part.

How are you doing? I hope things are OK with you.

815
Your strength is inspiring as is your love for your husband.
I know to some extent how hard it can be to have so much abuse thrown at you and how awful those counselling session can be and what can come out of them. Feels like they are continuous throwing tiny daggers at you. Just remember your feelings are valid and you are incredibly strong woman who is doing a phenomenal job that is obvious from you posts.

The thing that is helped me is having a few friends and family that I can be completely honest and open with about what Is going on I was so embarrassed at first when I told them but sharing it and being able to chat with them over wine and even laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the situation and accusation has been the biggest help I hope you have this in person and if not can find this online I am sure there is some of us on here that would happily be that for you.

Hi Caringwife2021,

I was reading your thread as well and was about to reach out to you when I was reading that last year your husband's anger and depression started to focus on you. I felt that you could probably understand my situation too. It really is the most awful thing to go through and reading your post about wanting to help him, shows just how much you care for and love your husband too.

And you are spot on in your description, of the words feeling like tiny daggers being thrown at you.

I do have a support group (s. And I have often spoken to them about the ridiculousness of some of the accusations and expectations. But I guess in my husband's mind, they are all valid and I need to remember that. I know my feelings are valid too, but not everyone is going to understand that especially when it is my husband who is suffering depression, and not me. So I keep my true feelings to a very small group of supporters (some trusted friends an sometimes my sister in law). I am also seeing a psychologist on my own. Without this support I honestly wouldn't have been able to get through the last few months.

I will keep reading your thread to hear updates from you on your situation. Take care and I hope it all goes well.

Hi Caringwife, 815,

I can totally relate to those ridiculous accusation and verbal abuse too, my close friends and I, we joke about it and laugh, as sad as it can be, it is funny too. I guess that is how I keep my sanity.
I know what is in their mind is very complicated. I guess like a child, we are the one that they can vent at their anger and frustration because the comfort and security . I am lucky in the sense my friends are in similar situations and we confided each other , helped each other to open up our eyes on our partner's MH.

Like everyone here, I am hoping one day the storm will be over.r As for me, everyday is a new day and every little improvement on my partner's MH gives me hope that we are on the right track.
Last Sunday afternoon, we managed to lie down on my son's bed next to each other based of our son's request, that was very special to me, I see this as hope and positivity. In the past, he'd just jumped out from the bed or couch as if I was going to eat him.
Like 815, I am very grateful on every little things my partner does for me, even a cup of coffee or a slice of cake , or wish me have a nice day, I make sure I thank him.

I let him deal his own issues with his psychologist. At the same time, making sure that I am visible to him, that he can reach out to me for help any time.
I planning to take to him to places we have been during our times, just to reminisce good old happy days and also just to get him out of the house too.

Have a nice weekend everyone and take care

815 and Blue Banned Bee

Laughing about it with friends is the only way we can get through it. When it is shared with people who love you and can tell you how silly it is it helps so much to stop it going over and over in your head and you starting to believe it. Your thoughts are always valid and it SUCKS so much having to be the bigger person all the time as they are sick and you are not able to show that you are hurt and upset and want to throw a tantrum straight back at them!

It also agree that it has helped helped other people we are being really open about my husbands mental health and his upcoming hospital admission, this is his doing as he wants to try and break the the sigma around it and he doesn't want to lie about it as we have no idea what we could come up with that would explain him disappearing of the face of the planet for 4-6 weeks. When we tell people it seems to open the flood gates and they like oh i feel this or my partner had an admission a while ago it is really been amazing.

My husband has improved the last month in terms of our relationship. Before he was so worried about what i would think of his thoughts but showing him that i am ok and still love him no matter what he says or does is and i am still here for him is slowly getting through to him and allowing him to trust me more and when there are things that i don't understand i am trying to direct him to people in our support network that do and the medical professionals.

One thing i have organised with him recently is making sure our power of attorney both financial and personal is upto date. Our lawyer said we should make sure we have it so that when he is in hospital or is ever incapacitated or can't deal with anything ( which is a lot) I am full control over what happens and can advocate for him in terms of treatment and for financial matters. Luckily at the moment on meds my husband is able to make the decision that this is a good idea he supports.

I hope you all had a some good moments on the weekend and found some moment of joy or self care for yourself !

Hi everyone,

Caringwife2021 and Blue Banded Bee, thanks so much for your posts and your continued support. It makes me glad to hear of the little things that are improving day by day. I came on here seeking hope, but I also hope that people reading our journeys can find hope in our posts too.

I came on here to provide an update, because I do want people to know that in this journey, of supporting and caring for a loved one, there is definitely hope. A lot of little things have changed for our family. But I know that we still have a long road to travel. So I am still taking it a moment at a time, just trying to be gentle, kind and grateful for everything.

My husband has moved back into our room, and we have taken small steps forward to spending time together as a couple, and spending time together as a family. Our relationship is definitely different. Perhaps through all the trauma and loss of it all, we have a greater appreciation for everything. We have talked a little, but I have told my husband that I don't expect him to talk if he doesn't want to. But that if he does, then I am here for that too. And he has been receptive of this.

In our last counselling session, he said that he could forgive me, that we could move forward, and he recalled the times recently where I tried to reach out to him. I guess what's important to note here is that, despite the fog he was in, he knew I was there. But he just wasn't ready or couldn't reciprocate any of that back to me. So for anyone reading, I want you to know that, those little things matter. Even if at the time they may be rejected or not acknowledged.

But I think the most important thing to note is that I would not have been able to hold on, to keep standing by my husband and looking after my family, if I didn't have the support of my close family and friends, my GP and psychologist, as well as the readers and posters here on this forum. All of this is what has given me the strength to hold on, and to keep holding on.

I know, as I have experienced still in the last few days, there there will be many ups and downs. And I know I still have a lot to learn about how to continue supporting my husband and family through this. But I do hope that what I have learned so far, and what I have been able to share on here will give hope to those who find themselves in similar situations.

Have courage. Be kind. And never lose hope.

815

Thanks for the update and thanks for this thread which has provided an honest guide to living with a partner with depression and has encouraged other people to share their journey.
The support you offer here through your clear writing and raw emotions is hopeful to not only those who post but those who read , of which there are many.

When one reads your posts one can see the ups and downs the setbacks the frustration but always see your love and the fact you held onto hope.

You have shown that through your patience and determination you have been to able to see small changes. The fact that you both had support also played a part.

Your thread shows the lived experience is so valuable in supporting others.

Thank you.

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks again for your reply. As I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is supporting a loved one, I did miss one important point, and that is as you mentioned - the support my husband has around him is also very important.

He is on his third different medication. He says the biggest side effect to this is being tired all the time, but that out of the three he has tried this is by far the best and if being tired is the only side effect then he will take it. He is also on his second psychologist. His GP is amazing and I know he has amazing support in his sister and a few trusted friends, as well as the support of his bosses at work. Without all of this, I do not know where we would be.

Hi 815,

I've just come back on and so happy to read your update. That is a huge step in the right direction and hopefully this new medication will help him get back to him.

Your love, understanding and patience has been phenomenal and a true testament of how much you love your husband and how much faith you put in your family. To go through what you have takes so much strength.

I'm sure this thread will be a hope to so many partners supporting their loved ones through a mental health ordeal. x

Hi 815,

Congratulations! I am so happy for you. your strength , love, faith , patience in this journey is indescribable, keep doing what you are doing and don't forget to reach out when you hit road block.

Your thread has inspired me and given so much strength in supporting my partner, and to those who follow your thread not to lose hope and faith.

My Partner's MH has improved too, he is feeling happier, less angry, less anxiety, we even cracked few jokes here and there. He even suggested that we should join his mother and sister to go to away for a weekend in March, to celebrate his birthday and our son's birthday. Although I am not big fan of his mum, I'd still say yes to him , because he has made the effort and love.
Every efforts he puts in give me hope that the fog is slowly clearing up and we are heading right track.

Thank you so much 815 and everyone for sharing your experience with us.

 

Hi Blue Banded Bee, ED and everyone,

Thanks for your responses and support as always.

Blue Banded Bee - I am glad that things are improving for you too. I think our situations can show those supporting a loved one that there is hope. We just have to believe in it. But also that there are still bumps in the road.

I don't have heaps to update, other than that life keeps moving forward. We have been getting through the days, quietly, and together. If I'm honest, I am still being very cautious. The balance is still difficult. I want him to know I am here, that by not saying anything it doesn't mean that I have moved on and that I am acting as if nothing has happened. But by saying things and sometimes asking questions, I don't want him to feel pressured or pushed in anyway.

He has been talking to me about his medication and the effects. He asked me if I wanted to go to his GP with him, which I did and am grateful I was able to be there with him. He has just generally been a bit more open about things. We haven't spoken in detail about the things that were said and the things that happened over the past few months. In some ways it is still very difficult for me to think about. Even reading back on some of the things I had written on this thread is difficult for me to do.

We have relationship counselling again tomorrow. Despite the steps forward, I am still a little anxious as to how that will be.

Hi 815,

It sounds like you and your husband are making slow progress. You’ve put in a lot of hard work and he’s lucky to have your support even if he doesn’t realise it completely.

How did counselling go?