Hi Blue Banded Bee and everyone,
Thank you for your update. I am so pleased to hear that you and your husband are making small positives steps forward. And I would like to also thank you for your support through all of this.
Like you, Blue Banded Bee, we are also making progress. Small, slow progress. We have had some ups and downs along the way. I think maybe if I share some of what we have gone through, it may help others to understand too.
One night, after both of us working late, my husband was already in bed and when I went to bed he came over to hug me. I held him in silence for a few minutes and honestly thought he was OK. Without thinking, I picked up my phone to reply to some msgs that I didn't get to during the day. After a few seconds he turned away, and later told me to leave him alone and just keep playing with my phone. I instantly defended myself and said that I was just replying to some messages. Of course that made him even more mad.
We spent the next 2 days not really talking to each other. He told me why he was so angry. All he wanted was a hug and then when he told me off for it I tried to justify my actions. I let him have his time for a couple of days. But I realised that I can't afford to let too much time and distance get between us now.
So I told him I wanted to speak to him. I apologised, told him that I was wrong. However, I wanted him to know that just because I picked up my phone, it does not mean that I don't care about him, or that he is less of a priority. It simply means that sometimes, I don't think or I actually don't realise how much of an impact it can have. I told him that on my part, I need to be more sensitive to his needs. And that I wasn't expecting him to forgive me and not be hurt or angry and just move on. But I was hoping that we would move forward, and heal the hurt and anger together.
He sat in silence for a long time after my words. And eventually he came over to give me a hug. I realise now that, I can't be scared of his anger, but I also need to own up to my actions and understand how something simple can make him feel awful. But I think the key is, communication. We both need to be able to communicate how we feel in the situation.
We know the road isn't always going to be smooth. What's important is that we travel the road together. And hopefully as time goes on the bumps will become less frequent. Or if they do come, that we will know better how to get over them.