Topic: Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

Hi KG82 and quirkywords,

Thank you guys again for your responses. I know there aren't any simple answers, I guess I am just looking for support and encouragement.

I have spent the last day thinking a lot about the things that I'd like to tell my husband, and how I want to tell him. I said I will speak to him again in a few days, so will do that in the next day or so.

He spent most of the day yesterday in our room watching TV and on his phone. I did my best to give him space by keeping busy doing other things around the house and giving him space. I did ask if he'd like to come out for a walk with the dog while the kids rode their bikes, he said maybe, but in the end he didn't end up joining us. I am just doing my best to keep the communication lines open and not shutdown as before.

He doesn't seem so uncomfortable being in the same room as me as he was there all night while I lay in bed next to him reading. I do feel that maybe, he has fallen back down a little, but maybe not so bad this time and I just need to stay here with him and help him up again.

I guess I just needed to know from others whether it sounds like depression, or whether it could be his true feelings. And I know nobody can know that for sure. But I guess the signs for depression are there.

We made progress from such a dark place, I'm hopeful that we can do it again. And I know for sure that this won't be the last time this is going to happen. I'm in it for the long haul so I know I need to toughen up and get on with it. But I also do realise that I have emotions, I get hurt and upset and so I am also taking the time I need to process my own thoughts and feelings before I do deal with it. This is OK to do right?

Hi 815,

It seems like you are doing everything that you can to meet his needs, and that’s admirable. It’s difficult when you’re constantly thinking about their needs and how to manage them as well as your own. For me the things that indicate depression are the irritation with which he’s speaking to you (when he does communicate), the overall reduced communication, and spending all day in front of screens... essentially withdrawing into his own world. All the things that you are doing are what is recommended on all the `how to help people with depression’ pages.

One of the things that I find hard is how to discuss the issues brought about by a depressive episode, and I commend you for trying. As you’re aware my partner just stopped talking, and then when put on the spot decided to leave. Seeing how unwell she looked when I did run into her at least reinforced to me her depression. You’re right when you say that it’s incredibly hard not to take the words and the behaviour personally. You are human and you do have feelings, and they’re valid. While it’s highly likely that it’s the depression talking and you know that if your husband were well he’d treat you differently, it does still hurt, and it does still take it’s toll on your well-being. When trying to determine whether you’re likely to be listened to and whether your partner is reasonable enough to listen, several people I’ve spoken to have likened it to fishing... small bits of information and listening to the response to see if it sounds like your partner or whether it sounds like depression. That probably sounds a bit confusing, but I thought it might be worth adding. Also in keeping things short, you’re less likely to overwhelm him and cause further withdrawal.

I think it’s absolutely OK to process your own thoughts etc first. It means that when you take them to your husband you are more likely to be able to stay calm and reasonable, and therefore have more effective communication.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope your discussion goes well. I’m sure you’ll keep us updated.

Thanks you for your reply KG82. It all makes sense.

So we did talk last night. It wasn't great, but it wasn't the worst. I tried to stick to my main points and not get too side tracked.

I told him that while I am glad that his friends are comfortable giving him advice on strategies on how to deal with his depression and that he is taking it on board and it is working, I am just not comfortable in providing him that type of support. I apologised for that, but said that that doesn't mean I don't care. It is just not the sort of support I am comfortable providing him right now. I have my reasons, which I didn't go into as I didn't want to spend too much time on that topic, but I did want to acknowledge the support his friends are providing him.

I told him that instead, I thought that us spending time together again, talking about stuff, both good and bad, and just doing things together, was making him happy. Because I have felt happy in those moments. Not all the time, and not enough or not the way that it used to be, but I felt that it was a start to rebuilding some of the things that we had lost. I admitted that there was a lot about our life that I missed, but that I knew that we weren't going to go back to that, but had hoped that we starting to build something better, and something more genuine because we had come from such a bad place and we are still here together.

I also said that I thought the nights he would let me hold him when I felt he needed a hug, had provided him some comfort. And that I thought that I was giving him the support that he needed from me. And that I'm sorry that he didn't feel the same.

I said that I wished he had raised it in one our sessions. But he said that he had felt happy, and that it was working. But that he had suddenly remembered the past and how he had felt. Which I acknowledged is going to happen from time to time. And we can't forget it, but we can use it as a reminder to us of where we once were, and how we've moved forward from that. That was basically the end of our conversation.

I asked if we could talk in a few days, and he said we could if I want.

I think he is just being human, and that the memories and feelings have resurfaced, as they do for me too from time to time. While I deal with those feelings internally, he deals with them by taking it out on me. Which is not ideal. But something that we need to work on. All in all I think there are still some positive signs and I will continue to write here.

Hi 815,

I’m glad you were able to talk to your husband and say how you’re feeling. It’s hard in a situation like this because you know that things have changed and that they can’t go back to the way that they were before. I think it’s a positive sign that he was at least listening and agreed to talk again. I hope things are tracking along ok for you both.

Hi 815,

Sorry to hear things are going backwards for you but, at least, you both are still communicating with each other, which positive.

Being in lockdown again definitely can mess up a person's mental health. I agree with you it is hard to forget what happened last year, I always use that to remind myself to check-in on my partner and look after myself.

There is always hope, as long as you don't give up.

Hey guys,

Thanks again for the responses. I really appreciate the support.

Since I last posted on here, I would say that my husband's tone towards me when he speaks to me as gotten better. Although not always great, he isn't rude or irritable as such. And he isn't ignoring me. He has been a bit 'nicer'. I did decide to try and speak to him about it again, but I think that just annoyed him so I didn't try to push.

He is not one for big apologies. Instead, he just sort of starts treating me nicer. The last few days have still been very up and down though and it's a bit hard for me to understand what's really going on.

On a positive note, when the weather has allowed us, he has been joining me in walking with the kids to school and then we go on for a longer walk, just the two of us, with the dog. We are still sitting and eating breakfast together. He makes me a coffee each morning and afternoon (which he brings to the study for me during our work day). I try to still keep conversation going, and ask him most nights how his day was or try to make small conversation. He doesn't offer much information but he is still responsive if I ask.

I had a psychologist appointment yesterday. While I have always known that his way of 'dealing with things' is different to mine, I guess I have not always been as patient in accepting that. But my psychologist used different words yesterday that sort of changed my perspective on it. This is his way of 'healing', as opposed to 'dealing with it'. And when she says it like that, I realise the importance of allowing him that time and space. But at the same time I can't pull away as I did last time and be fearful of his reaction towards me when I try to reach out to him. I have to continue doing that. And on his part, definitely his reaction to me is not as negative as it has been in the past.

So I need to keep it all in perspective and just remain strong beside him until he is ready to move forward again.

815

I always learn something from your insightful posts.My partner is not depressed but he can be negative and be Ryde to me. I used to want to just flee but now I am learning this is his way of coping. While like you were I don’t want to be treated badly from reading your post I can see his behaviour in a different light. !

I agree to remain strong and see things in a different perspective which is hard when one is blamed for being the problem.

Thanks 815 and all those who have written a post on this thread.

Hi everyone,

Quirkywords, thank you for your response. I am glad that you find my posts helpful in some way.

I have been away for a while as I don't really have much to update. It's hard for me to know where we are at the moment. The kids are on school holidays so our routine of walking together in the mornings has been a bit broken. However we are still conversing a little. It is mostly me initiating communications, but mostly he is responsive, sometimes his tone is not the best but I just try not to react to it.

We did manage to go out to a festival as a family on the weekend so I guess we are still able to spend time together. It hasn't gotten to the point where it was last year where he just outright refused to spend time with us. And I have to just make sure I keep the communication going so it doesn't get to that.

As far as I can tell he hasn't seen his psychologist for over a month now and I know he has had difficulty with her keeping appointments. I am not so sure what is going on with that as last time I asked him about it he said he had an appointment but didn't know when it was...

We have relationship counselling next week. I am anxious about it as I have no idea what he is going to say. I don't want to be going in there feeling like I will need to defend myself, but that's how I feel at the moment and it's not a great feeling. I am trying my best not to think too much about it.

He still makes me a coffee, he asks me most nights if I'd like ice cream, he still lets me know where/when he is going out. I guess it is just these little things that he does that helps me to know he is still trying and all I can do is trust him, trust myself, and trust that in time, we will start to heal again.

815

Thanks for an update and feedback.

Do you find writing here helps you sort out your thoughts.?

Relationship counselling can make you feel closer sometimes it can be very uncomfortable.

I suppose you can only live in the moment and be thankful for his small gestures.

Thanks quirkywords.

Yes, writing has always been an outlet for me. It helps me to process my thoughts and see things a bit more clearly.

Even on the days we have been to relationship counselling together when things have been better, I still find the whole thing uncomfortable. I guess it is always a reminder of why we are there at all. But I guess I have to try not to dwell on that, and to remember that we have made progress since we first stepped into that room.

I know we will have ups and downs, and that is the reason that I know we need to continue to attend these sessions together even when we feel things are going great.

As you said all I can do is try to be in this moment, and be grateful that we are not where we were almost 12 months ago. It feels like a long journey already, but I honestly believe that this will be a journey for a lifetime and that over time, it will not always be good, but it may be easier.

Hi 815,

I thought I’d just check in and see how things are going for you. It sounds like a trying time, though good to acknowledge that things have improved on where they were 12 months ago. It’s a long ride and it’s so courageous to be able to stay there when you feel like you’re getting nothing or not much back.

Hi KG82 (and everyone reading)

Thank you again for checking in with me. I have found it difficult to write. I feel I am repeating myself a lot. However I do feel that it is important for anyone following this journey to know that, it is a journey, and it keeps going. Even when I am not here with updates, things are always moving.

We had relationship counselling over a week ago now. Prior to that, we had been out to dinner just the two of us as the kids stayed over at my parents' house. I'm surprised he agreed to it, but I figured that I just need to keep asking and HOPE that I will get a positive response.

Relationship counselling was HARD. We talked about the latest 'dip'...he said he got mad at me, and originally wasn't able to explain why. But our counsellor went through a series of questions and was able to extract info from him. He said that he feels like I can't be bothered with anything. That whenever I check in with him, ask him how he's doing, that it's not genuine. That it's all fake. And that I have an agenda. And that is to 'be right'. Because asking how he is and checking in with him is 'the right thing to do'. So that if things don't work out between us, that none of this will be my fault. That I can wipe my hands of it all and not be to blame. Our counsellor asked him, why would I still be here, if I didn't care? Why would anyone want to live this way? He says he doesn't know, but he stands by his theory.

Hearing that, was extremely hurtful. But it also made me sad, to see how much depression has can affect a person.

But...we came home after that. And he made me a cup of coffee and brought it to my desk while I was working. We went out for lunch together the following day. And things have been moving every so slowly, forward. It's almost as if...things were said in that room with our counsellor, to get them off his chest, and now he's done that, they were left there and we have moved forward...

So although I am not jumping up and down with glee, I am filled with hope. I do know that this journey continues, with the ups and downs of life, but I won't ever give up hope.

Well...an update. But not a great one.

Things haven't been great. I have been continuing to try and communicate about things, although he doesn't ignore me, the responses are quite short and sharp.

We took the kids to school and took our puppy for a walk this morning. Our puppy was being difficult and I guess that must have triggered something. He was fuming. When we got home, I asked if he could please calm down. He asked if I could please just go away...

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked him to calm down. I didn't go after him and try to talk. I figured that I need to respect his wishes to be left alone.

But then he made me a cup of coffee and left it on the kitchen bench. We usually sit and eat breakfast together. I really didn't want to be in his space, but I also didn't want to be ungrateful for the coffee. So I took my time preparing my breakfast and just as I sat to eat, he had finished his. He's still mad, as dishes are being thrown into the sink and doors are being slammed. I'm not sure for whose benefit this is, as I am not planning to react to any of it.

We usually pick the kids up together from school in the afternoon, and I really have no idea what will happen. If I go along as normal, he thinks I am ignoring the issues. But if I don't go along, it causes a rift between us and I don't want to go down that road again.

I'm anxious. I'm sad. And you know, I'm lonely. But for the sake of my husband and his well being, I have to stay strong and remain by his side even if it is in silence.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow so I will discuss with her. But perhaps I will also try to talk to my husband tonight, even if it is just to ask how he's doing...

815,

I have been catching up on your posts and I can feel your tiredness and your patience through your words.

Reading about your counsellors appointment I can relate to what he us saying but I may be wrong. He is maybe worried he will get the blame for what is happening in your relationship so he is attributing motives to your genuine concern to care for him.

Depression makes you feel you are worthless so someone who is still there caring for you must be doing it for another reason.You feel no person would want to care for such a hopeless person. I realise you know this and you are so patient, It does not make his theory any easier to cope with.

I can feel your loneliness and that whatever you do or say will be interpreted in the wrong way.
When I read what your husband said to the counsellor about your actions I became emotional as I used to push loved ones away .

I wish I could offer more support but we are listening and I hope writing here still helps.

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks for your response and support.

I think I have accepted that part of the reason he behaves this way, is because as you said, it's hard for him to believe that I could still care about him. What was useful for me in your post is that, he may be worried that he will get the blame for what is happening. I am sure I have said before in our counselling sessions that I don't blame him, nor expect anymore from him than what he is able to give. However it might be helpful for me to reiterate that in our next session.

And perhaps his anger is not even about me, maybe it is more about himself, but I just happened to be there when he was experiencing those emotions so I was the one that he took it out on it. And all of that is OK, although it is hurtful, I have to get past that in order to be able to support him.

I guess the problem that I have is, not knowing how to actually support him...like you said, it's like whatever I say or do will be perceived in a negative way. And I know nobody really has all the answers, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to keep trying, or what to do next.

Hi 815,

it sounds like your husband has mixed emotions of anger, sadness and shame.... whilst depressed he will probably interpret things that are neutral - eg not having the coffee till later - as maybe rejection from you. And a lot of other things too..... But you are not doing anything wrong, it can be hard communicating with someone who’s depressed or angry (in your case sometimes both), as keeping a conversation going and having emotional closeness is like a dance, in that there’s subtle things which can make it awkward....

here to chat more if you want, take care

Hi Here2Talk,

I appreciate your reply.

A lot of things are very awkward at the moment.

He mad me another coffee this afternoon. I was watching TV and he left it on the kitchen bench. I went up to get it while he was making his own coffee.

While he questions my motives on the things I do, I guess I question his as well. But not so much motives. While he questions whether I genuinely care because of the things I do, my question or wondering is more along the lines of, why would he do this if he doesn't care? And it just shows how differently we perceive each other's actions. And I guess the way he perceives mine maybe comes from the depression?

Thank you for being here to chat.

Hi 815,

It sounds like things have been quite rough. I’m glad that you’re seeing your psychologist tomorrow. Hopefully being able to debrief will be helpful.

Depression is cruel and I remember reading about how anything that you say and do when someone is depressed is perceived through a filter of depression. All the good is filtered out, leaving opportunities for misconceptions. Do you find that in those situations where you’re being pushed away or blamed for something, that you try harder?

Have you spoken with your husband about boundaries and the lines that you won’t allow him to cross in terms of his behaviour? It’s ok for him to have his feelings and to have these feelings validated, but it’s not ok to be disrespectful. It’s been a long road for you both of you, and it sounds like the journey is only going to continue. I can see you’re reflecting on your own behaviour and the impact that has. That is a double-edged sword. It shows that you can see the impact of the way that you react, but also that it has the potential to lead to second-guessing yourself, which is exhausting. This is one of those instances that people say to be kind to yourself (it’s not something that I’m good at), and remember that you are human and you are doing the best that you can.

Keep us updated.

You’re absolutely welcome 815.

I think your analysis is quite accurate. Clearly he is feeling a complex mix of emotions in just the fact that he made you a coffee... twice. Perhaps the first time he thought you took so long to drink it because you didn’t care - the theme that came up during couples therapy. Obviously you do care, I can see from what I’ve briefly read here. But like KG82 said, he is probably viewing things through a filter - perhaps the only time he can even step away from his own thoughts and feelings is to eg. make you a coffee etc.

Often I think a partner becomes an emotional punching bag when one has depression- it certainly is a lot for you to try and stay positive and keep the house and kids in order and then have leftover psychological energy to care for your husband. I guess trying to talk honestly when you can get through to him would be good - if there are periods where he is emotionally stable enough to be amenable to serious discussion.

Similar to what KG82 also said, you and your children also have needs that are just as important as your husband - while it is normal for men to be a little more angry, aggressive when they feel bad, you still deserve respect....

Sounds like you’re doing everything you can my dear. I wish the best for you and your husband.

How long has hubby been depressed may I ask, and how old are your kiddies? I apologise, I haven’t read all 200ish posts in your thread

Hi 815,

I just caught up on your situation. I'm sorry that the last week has been a roller coaster again.

How did you go at your last sessions?

I do think the same as the other suggestions that he is perceiving that you don't care or trying to deflect back to you to preserve his own shortcomings with the depression - which is just the illness talking.

I did get this as well. I've been accused of not caring so many times and it hurts. Especially when you've given up so much to show that you care.

I know in my relationship that things have turned and I am the one with the depression. I do still make my husband a coffee when I put the kettle on and do it just to be nice. I do get annoyed when he doesn't drink it though. But I do think he is doing it to be nice and show he does still care.

I hope things look up. You are so strong and your support for him is so amazing. He is truly lucky to have you by his side. Just remember to know your limits because we all have them. I'm at mine - even past them - and it's not got me in a very good place atm. As you know, I'm at the point where I almost can't leave and have to live like this and it's not making me a good person or good mum. Make sure you have a limit. You're not any less of a person by having one but you need to have it there for your kids. xx

Hi 815,

It’s certainly been a long haul for you, and you’ve been so strong to hang in there for the last year. How’re things going with yet another lockdown?

The passing months really demonstrate how cruel depression is, to see that change and know that it’s not the person that you love, but rather an illness is really hard. I think the uncertainty of not knowing if and when things will get better also takes it’s toll. It’s really challenging when you read into actions and behaviour to try and decipher what they mean, all the while knowing that you are unable to read minds. The thought processes of depression are so different, and even though you can show unconditional love and good intentions, these things can be interpreted in a completely different way.

I hope you’re hanging in there.

Hi everyone,

It has been sometime now since posting, and I just really wanted to come on and thank everyone for your posts of encouragement and support.

I have seen a few new threads on here with people in a similar situation to mine and rather than replying to those posts, I thought I'd just come on here and reiterate a few things.

While this may be a difficult thing for someone supporting a loved one suffering depression, it is so important to build your own personal and professional support network. This is not about being selfish and putting yourself first. In fact without a support network of your own, I believe it would be almost impossible to have the strength to provide the support necessary to support your depressed love one. I have a very small personal support network that knows the details, and they have been invaluable in this journey for me.

I also think it's important to be patient. Patient with your loved one, and patient with yourself. There is no right or wrong. There will be mistakes and failures, there will be lows. But there will also be progress. It may not be the progress you expect, but with each day that you get through, that is progress. Don't forget that.

You are allowed to feel down, and sad, and upset, and hurt. It is OK. Let yourself feel those things for as long as you need. Be kind. To yourself and to those around you.

Be hopeful. Don't give up. For them. But most importantly, for yourself. Things may not work out the way you hope or want, but they will work out.

There will be brighter days ahead.

Hi Here2Talk & KG82,

I was just on here reading past posts and realised that I didn't answer some of your questions.

My husband believes that he has probably been like this (depressed) since he was a teenager. I think when I met him, was when he started seeing things differently. And we have been together for 21 years now, married for 16.

It has been just over a year now though since my husband has been officially diagnosed with depression (severe). He has been on three different medications, and seen two different psychologists. It is also coming up to a year or so now since we started relationship counselling. Unfortunately with the lockdown we've had to reschedule our latest appointment and it hasn't been great.

We have two daughters - 10 (almost 11) and 8 (9 in January). The both have suffered through this and I got them a referral to the school psychologist last year. Things improved and so when school started this year they both decided that they didn't need to see her anymore.

Things are not great at the moment (again). The latest lockdown has really taken its toll and we are all really struggling. And yes, I do find that when I am blamed for something or things don't go right, I feel like I need to try harder. There is a lot of second guessing my actions and my words, which is definitely not great.

I do believe there are still better days ahead. In a way, I feel like we need to ride out this latest episode, just as we need to ride out this latest lockdown. I am trying to find that balance again between giving him space, but not pulling away too far like I did when things got very bad. From both of us, there needs to be lessons learned on how we deal with each of these phases, otherwise we will never move forward.

I find that his first response is generally rude, and then he sort of realises it and responds in a bit of a softer tone. So I feel like the depression is the instinctual response, and then he checks himself. I do believe he is trying. I don't believe that he purposely wants to treat me this way. I guess he is just stuck behind that wall of depression and we both need to find a way through it. Which I do believe we will.

It will just take time, and I guess trial and error until we both learn what works. It feels like a long journey so far but in reality, I know this will be a life long thing that we will need to manage. And as I said, I do believe we will. We'll both just need some patience and understanding and love.

Hi 815,

Thank you for your update. I’m sorry things are hard at the moment. These lockdowns aren’t really helping many people mentally, and are an unfortunate, but necessary evil. I think that this particular lockdown has hit harder than the others. You show such great resilience, determination and insight into your situation.

I’ve been reading Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield, which is the about the effects of depression in a relationship, and I thought of you. I’ve found it really helpful in understanding my own feelings about everything that happened with my partner. I was relieved to find that the phenomenon is incredibly common and replicated amongst many couples for whom one is depressed. I could relate to so much of what was written.

I hope you continue to cope with this current set back, and reach out if you need to.

815

Thanks for your updates and for explaining what is happening.
I admire the fact you are positive that you will be through this hard time and things will get better .

I wonder if your husband feels the same way because when one is depressed it is so hard to see it will ever end.

Your support, love, and positivity gives your family something to hold onto and look forward to

Hi 815,

I just wanted to see how you were going. I know it must be tough and you said in your last post the latest lockdown was particularly hard.

I hope you're ok.

I've been speaking with a counsellor (finally!) and she told me to remember, just because you understand their behaviour and reasons for it doesn't make it acceptable to continue to treat you poorly.

Look after you x

Hi everyone! I know it has been a while, but I am still here and have been reading and am grateful for all the posts.

emotionallydrained - I totally agree, understanding it doesn't always make it acceptable. I guess in the end, it is going to be about how much of it you can 'accept'. I am glad to hear you've started seeing someone, I hope it is helpful. Nobody ever knows what the future holds, but I hope that seeking help is the beginning of your path to finding happiness again, even if that happiness is different to what you expected.

As for me, I am OK. WE are OK. Not always, Not everyday. But mostly. There is still some mistrust, from both of us. But I hope that as time goes on, trust will be built again. Although I am not as active on the forums, I will still be here and will respond to anyone who may want to talk about their own situation, and I will also try to post updates and check in from time to time. Hope you all are doing well!

Hello!

I know it's been some time. I have been reading but haven't had a chance to post. But thought that since we are well into the new year now that I should at least come back and say hello!

We have made it through another Christmas and New Year season, coupled with birthdays and our wedding anniversary. And it has been good!

It feels strange to type that and put it on such a public forum. But I feel that it is important for us to acknowledge the progress we have made. As I said last time - I am OK. WE are OK. Not always, Not everyday. But mostly.

And I also felt that it was important for anyone reading here, to know that there is hope. I remember first coming onto these forums and reading threads from a while back and always wondering how things turned out for those people.

There is hope. There is progress. But it doesn't come without pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, making yourself vulnerable and questioning what you might not understand, even if you think the answers might be scary.

I remember someone posting on another thread, that sometimes we need to be 'strategic' about how we love a depressed person. And while I may not have agreed with having a 'strategy' to love someone, I think I didn't really understand what that meant. Being strategic doesn't mean having an agenda, but it shows some sort of understanding of what your loved one might need from you.

I have tried to be mindful of what my husband has been going through, and not pushing too hard, but also a big mistake of mine was not pushing at all. And so now I am trying to find that balance.

If you are reading, and want to chat, or have some questions, please reach out.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Hello 815, finding that balance can change from day to day, depending on what's happening and what the person suffering from depression of any type is going through, we can never predict from one day to another what's going to happen or how they are going to be feeling.

In my situation eventually, my wife lost the power to want to talk with me, that's why we ended up divorcing, and in actual fact, it was probably good this happened (not that I wanted it to), however, now we can talk as if nothing happened and talk as if we were courting each other, laugh, joke and remember old times (good), but the possibility of living together once again is close to nil.

I have accepted this a long time ago and enjoy how we talk to each other now.

Best wishes.

Geoff.