Topic: supporting from a distance

Hi HollyBlue

Welcome to the forums and good on your for reaching out for advice. This is a really challenging situation and I think you have handled it really well so far, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. While I don't have any advice for you, aside from keeping the lines of communication open with your loved one, so that he knows you're available to him - I wanted to bump your post so that others have an opportunity to offer any advice.

My kind thoughts, Katy

Dear HollyBlue~

I'd like to join Katy in welcoming you here. As someone who has/had depression yourself that is both good and bad.

It's bad because it makes yo more vulnerable than most in a time of great worry and stress - may I ask have you discussed this with your medical team?

Also do you have personal support yourself -family or a friend you can talk frankly with and have them just patiently listen and NOT offer pragmatical suggestions?

Good becuse yo have some idea waht your BF is going though, including most probably hte desire for isolation and hte self-hate that makes one beleive one is bad for those one cares about.

It is a great pity there is no one near him htat can persuade him to get medical help, o bviosly your efforts have failed.

I've only one suggestion, which might seem a bit off track, but instead of discussing his condition, current state, and suggesting he get help you turn your emails/texts/etc into passages about good times, remembering things you have doe together you have enjoyed, things he has enjoyed by himself too.

Make each communication a 'safe one' where before opening it he knows there will be nothing difficult to deal with. No blogs on depression or even any mention of the word.

I don't think you were doing the wrong thing, and all you have written may bear fruit, however it's a learning process. Calls for imagination on your part, in time that might draw him closer to you.

Please let me know what you think

Croix

Dear HollyBlue~

Everybody has an opinion, and really speaking unless they have been there are not really qualified to say anything. Listening with sympathy and not being judgmental is the most effective thing they can do, and the best for you.

I doubt he has blocked you, after all he said later he had read all your messages even though he did not reply. They must have been some comfort to him to do that and I would guess he will do the same again.

While I make that suggestion about messages he can open knowing they will not be a stressor it may take quite some time before responds, if in fact he does. The aim is more to associate you with good times and not being a threat reminding him of his state.

You are partially right about male freinds, but not 100%. My wife was my best personal support.

Croix

Hello HollyBlue, and a warm welcome to the site.

Are you on the mental health plan, this entices you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psych and believe this can be increased, your doctor will inform you.

Any or all of your friends are going to offer suggestions or what they believe you should be doing but remember their situation and the circumstances they're in are different from what you're trying to cope with and the person they are dealing with or have dealt with maybe completely different to your boyfriend.

What I found that helped me, was for someone, friend, family or partner /spouse was for them to just sit next to me, hoping that I would begin to talk to them, and if not their patience was invaluable.

Just because he says he doesn't want a relationship should not be taken as such, because there are times when he may ring you at desperate times.

At the moment if you leave him, then how are you going to feel, probably worse than now, and if you can remember occasions before where one of you has been upset, it does take time and understanding to get back onto an even keel.

How he feels now makes it impossible for him to say he loves you, so don't worry, his condition doesn't enable him to say it, just yet.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi HollyBlue,

Welcome. I really feel for you. While I might not be able to offer any solid advice, I just want you to know that I think you are amazing for wanting to stand by your now ex boyfriend through this difficult time. I know how difficult your circumstances can be.

Again, Croix and geoff have provided some great advice, and some amazing insights for all of us here on the forums. So I just wanted to thank you both again.

And HollyBlue, I hope you can find some support here to give you strength and hope to keep supporting your man. Take care.

Hi Croix,

I'm trying to take what my support group says with a grain of salt, knowing that everything they say comes from a good place. It's true that it could take a long time for me to hear from him again, if I ever do, and I'm trying to be at peace with that ... though I miss him terribly.

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for the advice on the mental health plan, I'll look into the program! I appreciate your insight, and agree that much of what he has said recently is not so much coming from him than it is the mental illness. For now I will be that person for him, supportive and unconditionally loving, here when he needs me.

Hi 815,

Thank you for your kind words. Half the battle is with myself, wondering if I'm violating his boundaries by staying close and not accepting the breakup he says he wants, and it is really soothing to know that others can see my efforts in a positive light. Even if he isn't replying, I hope my messages bring a little light into his life.

Dear HollyBlue~

It is always hard to guess timescale, and to know if one is intruding or providing something that is needed.

I can only go from my own experience, whch was pretty heavy with PTSD, depression and anxiety. The mine dfills right up ful with htese, as I said before, and having to try to deal wiht htem is simply to much -so isolation seems the way to go.

Being told by another that they love you, or care, or ... is a double edged sword and frankly at the time when my wife said these it put me under extra pressure, adding to my guilt in failing people and my responsibilities. It did not help!

Later on when I was better rethinking about her constancy and love helped a lot, at hte time her unspoken constancy did help too.

That is why I suggested you only talk of hte light and fun things. So there is no feeling before opemig the letter it is going to put on more pressure.

Does the make sense?

Trying to talk in a rational manner to someone in deep depression or high anxiety does not make a connection.

I'm no doctor and can only relate how I felt, though reading thogh the threads here I don't think I'm anything like the only one.

Geoff talks sense, for you having someone just to listen and care is what you need, not someone full of ideas). Leaning on another does help

Croix

Hi HollyBlue,

I feel your struggle. I have to agree with Croix in that, it is hard to guess how long someone needs to be ready to hear the things you want to say to them.

I have written my husband many letters and emails. Only one has been sent. And I did not receive a positive response at all. And looking back, and reading Croix's post, I realise that the email I sent probably put a lot of pressure on him. Of course, that was not the intention. But in his state of mind, it was just too much for him.

I understand that sometimes our support group say things or advise us of things we do not want to hear. I have found that my support group has reduced over time, because it is really difficult for them to understand the day to day of what we are going through. And the situation can become isolating and lonely for us as 'carers' too.

I wish I could offer more support and better words of advice. All I can say is, remain hopeful, but don't expect anything. You can reach out, but I guess be prepared for a negative, or silent response. If he is ready, he will respond in whatever way he can. You also need to take care of yourself and your own well being. I think this is super important no matter which path you take. Stay strong and take care.

Dear HollyBlue~

I think you understand what I was getting at with pressure and also a mind being so full that there is no room for more.

The desire to have things straighten out to the extent you know what will happen is very strong, however my own advice is simply to wait. This is terribly hard, and you are right in thinking you cannot remain in this state indefinitely, though almost wishing there was a negative reply to settle the matter might not be as helpful as you imagine. If you are like me you would still hope.

Is there anyone in your group or elsewhere who talks simple sense and does not proffer solutions? I guess such a person would be your best support.

Do you think having a timetable would be helpful. Have a word with your own medical support and get their input. I realise it is asking them 'how long is a piece of string' but you might get an impression anyway.

At the end of that time take whatever action your sense dictates.

Croix

Dear HollyBlue~

There is absolutely no reason you owe me an apology. You have been all the way though sensible and listened and weighed up advice.

There is no manual or roadmap to follow, there is merely instinct and luck. Please do take heart from not being blocked, if he is like I was I would not have picked up the phone as I would not be able to deal with what he imagined you might say or ask.

I beleive the trick is to get him to see your calls/texts etc are not a threat, require no brainpower or being placed in an awkward position, just are going to be pleasant.

I know it hurts and you are full of doubt at the moment, lets hope things turn around soon while your self-restraint lasts.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

Dear HollyBlue~

Frankly if I look at myself when I was really down my wishes were not worth respecting, in fact they were confused, contradictory and full of anger, shame, and all sorts of other feelings.

Depression (provided you are correct, only a doctor can properly diagnose) is an illness and when one is ill normal social etiquette and behavior is not always appropriate.

If you are doing as I suggested and sending a light message designed to lift and not pressure with questions once a week than I do not think your actions excessive, mind you that's just my opinion.

I do know that even though I did wanted to isolate myself my wife being there in the background was a comfort. There was no way I lost respect for her, quite the opposite.

How are you bearing up?

Croix

Hi HollyBlue,

My husband has told me many times in the past year to leave him alone, give him space, he doesn't want my help - the list of hurtful things he has said to me is endless. And I have often wondered, whether staying here with him, trying from time to time to reach out, was hurting him more than doing any good.

Most of my support network have told me to stay. But that no one would hold it against me if I were to leave. They said, as Croix has mentioned, that he probably really didn't know what he wanted or needed. And so I stay. It wasn't a choice as such, since the alternative was too heartbreaking for me to contemplate.

It has only been in the past month or so that I have come to realise that, despite the rejection or the lack of acknowledgement, that he has always known that I am here. I don't know for sure, but I do hope that like Croix, that provided him some comfort and that it will continue to do so.

I think what helped me, and probably helped my husband, is that after sometime I learned not to have any expectations on him when I tried to reach out. And that he realised that I had no expectations either. And perhaps that has taken the pressure off him to be able to relax and let me in a little again.

I know for sure I have made many mistakes along the way, things that I don't necessarily regret, but that I would do differently now had I known better. But I did the best I could with what I knew. This journey is all about learning how to manage things, and I don't think anyone should be expected to have all the answers. In the end, if you are reaching out to him with good intentions, then I can't see that there is anything wrong with that. I think you just need to be realistic about your expectations.

I hope you are doing ok and taking care of yourself.

Hi HollyBlue,

I think you are amazing. Focus on yourself for a bit. You have let him know that you are there. In time, he may reach out. But no matter what happens, as you said you need to keep moving forward and look after yourself too.

Take care.