I am posting here for the first time, so my apologies if I have not done this correctly.
I don’t even know where to start - in the words of the psychologist that I have just started seeing, “this is extremely complicated”...... I am the wife of a man who suffers from severe depression. We have three little amazing children aged 3,5 and 8.
The severe nature of his depression has only evolved in its extremity in the last 3 years. He has had two 6 week hospitalisations in the last 2 years as a result of wanting to take his life...... the last one only a few months ago and the kids saw him being wheeled out to the ambulance......We all have experienced so much trauma as a result of his illness. I spend my waking hours advocating for mental health and the importance of prevention over cure in an attempt to provide a more positive pathway through life for my kids and the kids in my care. I have written to politicians, I have pleaded with government authorities and I have been faced with nothing but silence...........I walk on eggshells daily, hourly, I can’t speak without my words being manipulated in to to a self serving darkness. My voice is not heard, will never be heard as a result of the illness that plagues my husbands mind. I am not allowed to feel, to exist, to speak freely as the consequence is that my husband will take his life..... how do I explain that to my children...? I am trapped in what feels like a garbage compactor, I am being squeezed tighter and tighter into a space where whatever way I turn, trauma exists....... I understand his illness and I have been there for him for the last 12 years, through the lies, the job losses, the trauma and yet, still, here I stand, unwavering........ although now, I am tired... I am scared......I no longer have a voice, an identity. He is a beautiful father and a man who so desperately wanted children and a life that he never had..... I don’t think he loves me though, I don’t know if he ever did.... I guess I am desperate to find someone who understands what we are going through, what it’s like to be the family, the spouse of someone who has such severe depression..... I feel so very alone and all I do is just try to protect my precious babies from any more trauma related to the possibility of losing their dad... I also don’t honestly know how much longer I can keep going in a relationship where I feel so incredibly trapped....I am grateful for any advice.... thank you