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Topic: Trying to be supportive but always getting shut down

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dasday
    Dasday  avatar
    1 posts
    11 February 2020

    Hi all,

    I have been given firm instructions that I am not to talk about my husbands depression with ANYONE including my own mother and best friend so I hope that this will not get me in trouble.

    I just do not know what to do anymore, my husbands depression has reached the point that he will not even touch me and no matter what I do it makes him angry to the point I feel I can’t even be myself anymore or have a laugh.

    He has deep seeded issues with his mother and they constantly fight and I am always the one listening to the both of them say horrible things about each other etc over the past 8 weeks my husband won’t do anything aside from constantly be on his phone, watching tv, sleeping and basically not moving from the couch. (He doesn’t still go to work)
    I know that he has been struggling and I keep encouraging him to go to his therapist more often but he won’t, I’ve tried to suggest that he goes to his GP but he won’t and now I am at the point that I honestly just do not know what to do but crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out.
    I went away for the weekend with my best friend and he had known we were wanting to do this for over a year so I gave him what I thought was a lot of notice, I told him at the start of the year we were going to go on a girls weekend, not sure where but I would confirm asap and within a couple of weeks I told him where, when and how long we would go for.. he seemed ok with that.
    Over the weekend he never called me and was giving me short replies and didn’t seem to have any interest in talking to me, this morning he told me that I keep “springing” things on him like my trip and he can’t handle it.. I asked if he still wants to be with me and he said I don’t think you should be with me.

    Im really starting to struggle and feel really alone as he won’t let me talk to anyone .. I almost want to leave this environment as he is so mean to me but I love him and want to be the supportive wife.. is anyone else going through something similar?

  2. Matchy69
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Matchy69 avatar
    2464 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Dasday

    Hi Dasday,i am glad you found your way to post here.It is wrong for your husband to stop you talking about it.You need someones shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to.You are only human.

    I suffer from major depression and can understand a bit of what your husband is going through and what you might be going through looking after someone with it.It sounds like your husband is really struggling with it and sounds like he is giving up but that is part of the illness.He really needs professional help which he is turning down.

    Maby you could move out for awhile and maby that could be a wake up call.I know how much you love him and how heart breaking this is for you.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  3. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1144 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Dasday

    Hi Dasday

    Welcome to bb and thank you for sharing your story. For what it's worth, I believe you have kept your promise as no one knows you or hubby on this forum. His secret is safe.

    I did the same, only I used to call the bb support line to talk, when I was in your shoes. It was my thirteen year old daughter who was ill with OCD and anxiety and she was adamant her illness be kept a secret. Not even her grandma could know. It was tough.

    There is a lot of stigma around mental health conditions and I can understand why your husband wants to protect his privacy. And, once you tell someone, you can't "untell" them. It's out there.

    Your husband may not want to talk about it with others and once you share there will be questions. There may also be judgement. From our experience, not everyone we told about our daughter's illness reacted in a way that was helpful. He has to be ready for that. So do you.

    Perhaps you could try and get his agreement for disclosure to one of your friends or family, to safeguard your mental health. This is what I did and it helped a lot. It's a few years down the track for us now and OCD is no longer a secret. It gets better.

    If he won't agree, you can always call bb when you need to talk or vent. 1300 22 4636. You can also suggest he discuss this request with his doctors.

    As for his reaction to your weekend away and overall behaviour, please try to remember that he is ill. He's not seeing the world the way you do anymore.

    The bb website has great information on the impact of depression and I encourage you to learn as much as you can about the illness. This will help you to separate your husband from his illness and put things into a greater context.

    You sound like an amazing support to him and he's lucky to have you.

    Kind thoughts to you

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