Topic: Trying to maintain balance

My partner was born with a heart condition, which in turn deprived his body of normal levels of oxygen and damaged his lungs. He grew up being told he was not expected to live to the age of twenty. He surpassed that, but over the course of our relationship his health continued to go downhill. Eventually he quit work, some while later quit study, and finally moved in with me, having accepted he needed my help with pretty much everything. Not long after he moved in we got the call - there was a donor, and he was to have both heart and lungs transplanted.

That was about four months ago. Physically, he is able to do things he hasn't been able to do for years, but he is by no means mended. Mentally... he's battled depression for years and had a pretty good handle on it. But now, the ordeal of surgery and the lengthy stay in an interstate hospital, the sheer amount of time we had to be away from home and managing that with the rigors of covid, a bunch of things going wrong at home after that making it extremely hard to get into any sense of normalcy... It's taken it's toll on both of us. He is on immune suppressants, which make him vulnerable to any bug going past, never mind the big one everyone is on about. He has a fungal infection in his lungs, from spores we all breathe in at one time or another but don't know about because our body sends them on their way. His various meds make him nauseous on and off, and give him the shakes. We don't know if his constant exhaustion is physical or mental in nature, or both.

Then here's me, also a long term depression sufferer, burnt out long before becoming a carer in a job I utterly loathe (yes of course I've tried finding another, please do not ask that!). He can't work, of course, and I can't provide for us without working - whatever he gets from Centrelink goes down depending on my income, so the more I work the more I have to. I somehow have to manage a household, care for our two birds and keep two depressed people out of that black hole we go down, each of those things being full time jobs in their own right. I'm half managing that whilst on leave. Now the money is running out and I am on the verge of returning to work, I have no idea how I am going to cope with it all and somehow have room for taking care of myself.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone else and of course I don't begrudge my partner for needing me as he does. On the flip side, how the heck do I maintain balance with work thrown back into the mix?

I guess I need to know it's possible to top up my own batteries to have better to give than one very obviously exhausted woman going through the motions. We both deserve better than that. He's not stupid, he knows when I'm not coping and all that does is make him feel guilty. But neither of us really know how to make it easier for me.

Hi Blue's Clues

Even champions get exhausted. With all you've been through together, in the way of mental and physical health challenges, I'm not surprised by how exhausted you feel.

I've found, to be in charge in my life has a couple of meanings. One is a reflection on how I manage and the other involves me putting charge into myself, keeping up energy levels. Yes, like a battery. Two questions in regard to the latter, 'What's going to charge me up?' and 'What's going to drain me?'

CHARGING

• Food that has good chemistry/energy, as it interacts with our own chemistry/energy. Skipping breakfast is skipping the opportunity for an energy boost. Vitamins can be important too, in some cases. Reputable brands are unfortunately more expensive but it's a matter of 'you get what you pay for'
• Solar power (vitamin D)
• Hydro power (filtered water). Our cells are energetic and rely on hydration to function more energetically
• Relaxation (I know, what's that?) is important for energy restoration. A nervous system on constant high alert can lead to exhaustion. Quality sleep is also a biggy

The list goes on.

DRAINING

• Being on high alert all the time. Chronically fatiguing our systems through stress will seriously challenge the body while it's in a state of dis-ease (unease)
• Not having a circle of 'go to' people. Such a circle might include a counselor (someone to vent to), , someone who adds more positive ventures to your life (an adventurer), someone who can serve you in a number of ways (which may include serving you a meal you didn't have to prepare yourself), a masseuse, specialists that give you hope and inspiration (doom and gloom does not charge us up) etc
• Not being able to manage financially. With my parents being in poor health, I've learned the government won't always be forthcoming with the amount of free services out there. Finding them may allow you to cut back on work hours so you can receive these services. It can balance out

Again, the list goes on.

The medical fraternity won't often steer us in the direction of natural therapies. For your husband, complimentary therapy might help his immune system. Have a Google. A good dietician can act as a natural therapist in the way of our immune system and gut health. Gut health/balance is a biggy, especially when taking a lot of meds. Experts have found that a gut imbalance can mess with mental health. There are also some natural ways to help recondition the lungs. Might all take a bit of detective work.

:)

Hey there, thanks for such a comprehensive response, you've really put a lot of thought into it. Honestly, that's kinda touching. :)

Re charging:

* Very aware of the value of good food and very rarely skip breakfast - my mental health goes to hell real quick if I don't eat well, so I'm mostly on top of that. The frequent cooking when I'm back at work worries me, it's a big time/energy sink and there's not enough in the budget for take-away or pre-made meals.

*You're right. I do need more sun time, and nature time in general, that's high on my list of things that recharge me. Gotta work on that.

*One seemingly irresponsible expense I allow myself is spring water (good brands, it's very obvious some are just selling us tap water). Even filtered water feels "dead" to me, I'll survive on it but just don't feel well.

*Haha, yep, relaxation is tough. I find when I'm working that I always end up having to choose between relaxing and sleeping after all the must do jobs are done - aka food prep mostly, and washing dishes and clothes, the latter of which I have to do so much more often thanks to covid and a very people-in-my-face-all-the-time kind of job. Not quite sure how to untangle that problem.

Re draining:

*Boy that's the truth! Bit hazy on how to switch that off.

*I have a counsellor and good listening people. Hadn't thought of the "adventurer" type to go to - that person is usually me in my circle, the food serving person is usually also me (I'm big on cooking when I have room for doing something fun and different), masseuse or physio though needed aren't in the budget, got a psych who is trying to point me toward more positive perspectives on things, that's kinda handy though could do with more regular inspiration I guess. Your suggestion here really highlights the bits that are missing in my "go to" circle - I am surrounded by similarly downtrodden, poor and time-poor people struggling with their own wonky mental health, it is great for having understanding but less so for breaking out of the mindset.

*Fortunately there is a lot of help for my partner. For me, so far I have found a whole lot of nothing. I have a small income, get charged top dollar for everything and told I "make too much" for even a Health Care Card and I seem not to be quite broken enough for any financial assistance of any kind though my mental health is a trainwreck. Sigh. I even lost my Carer's Allowance because whilst my partner does need me, he is technically able to do the basic physical stuff himself. It's not like the allowance was even very much. Believe me I do everything conceivable to break back our expenses and to need to work as little as possible. Ideally I need to stop work altogether, at least for a time, but that ain't happening if we don't want to find ourselves on the street and hungry.

Not sure about the complementary therapy, as my partner's meds are meant to actively suppress his immune system to stop the new organs rejecting. Bit of a Catch 22 with that. He does have a dietician on the team of people he sees/talks to regularly though. I certainly agree about gut health, given the strong relationship between food and mood we have both experienced, me especially. Detective work indeed, on a lot of fronts.

Hi Blue's Clues

Of course, immune suppressants. Don't know where my head was at with that one.

The government...hmmm...those folk do trigger me at times. So many people slip through the cracks of what is a basic straight forward system. Of course, some people's lives are not that straight forward, far from basic when it comes to specific needs. In my opinion, the government has a duty of care to its people. People facing exceptional circumstances, such as yourself, deserve special consideration. Can recall, while being deeply grateful to have received Family Tax Benefit for some years, facing a transitional challenge. With me going back to work in a casual job with unset hours and my husband in a new job in car sales (with an incredibly slow start regarding commissions), annual estimate for the year ahead was no reflection on the initial financial struggle we faced having lost the FTB. With school laptops, uniforms, books being an expense and the day to day bills coming in, a lack of money was challenging. With no school kids bonus anymore and no school related tax breaks like there used to be, there was no crutch and little savings. We were 'earning too much' of what we hadn't yet actually earned. It was my mum who helped me look after my mental health at this time. A meal out here, a trip to the movies there. She paid for the little things that made a big difference. Wondering if you have anyone in your life like that. For me, it was a time where I learned to let go of being 'proudly independent'. Proudly independent doesn't always serve us well. I have a close friend who's also found this, as she lets go of that mental program 'I need to do this on my own'. It's a tough one to let go of, especially when we identify our self so strongly through it.

Do you ever do slow cooker meals? I've found my slow cooker to be a godsend at times, especially when time management is a factor. Throw stuff in and it does the cooking for you, all done and ready to serve later, when you're exhausted. Is your husband able to cook or is he not in a position to do any cooking, given his health? If he's able, it might give him a positive sense of achievement, in being able to provide and give back to you. A bit of natural dopamine for the brain (the 'payoff' chemistry). It would lighten you load too. If he's not a cook, no probs, we all hold the ability to learn.

I feel for you so much. Wish I could be that person who takes you out and treats you to some relief and joy.

:)

Apologies for the delayed reply. Work has now resumed, plus it's birthday season in my family. Never mind Christmas, not ready to think about that yet!

I completely agree about duty of care. Unfortunately we have a government that would rather strip all the important services back to give handouts to their rich buddies. I'm not saying Labour are amazing, but compared to Liberals... The minute I hit voting age I got to watch the party I put last in every ballot run the damn country, and it has for most of the time since. That's hard to swallow.

I hear you about the Family Tax Benefit and the pain of losing out on perceived earnings. On a similar principle, Centrelink base my partner's payment on what I have earned, not on what I have received, so oftentimes there is a gap of not much to pay the bills because the money isn't actually there yet - that also meant guessing what casual hours I might be getting, ahead of time. They have *finally* revised that only this month to earnings received, so at least things should get a bit better in that regard.

I'm glad you had your mum to help you through and take you out sometimes. I have had periods on and off with people who have done that sort of thing for me. One is my brother, who is currently going through a period of financial decline so usually can't (though he and Mum did spring for Indian recently, as a birthday treat, that was good). The other is one of my besties, who is also financially struggling and has just had fairly major surgery, so he won't be doing much of that either. No-one is having a good year. You're right about the "proudly independent" mindset. I definitely have that, especially given the most constant struggle of my life and one that has a lot to do with my depression is neglect (not from my partner, but the vast majority of people in my life before him).

Haven't done much in the way of slow cooker meals, they tend to be meat oriented and I am vegetarian. Roasting is a similar "chuck it in and leave it" process, I do that sometimes. My partner's health is hit and miss for that, but he does cook sometimes. We're trying out a household job roster that has him making two meals a week. He's doing pretty well with that so far - he is actually a very good and experienced cook, though his energy levels have him making fairly basic things for now.

Thank you, that is a kind thing to say. Touching, even.

Apologies for the delayed reply. Work has now resumed, plus it's birthday season in my family. Never mind Christmas, not ready to think about that yet! I am tired, and my back and hip are really hurting.

I completely agree about duty of care. Unfortunately we have a government that would rather strip all the important services back to give handouts to their rich buddies. I'm not saying Labour are amazing, but compared to Liberals... The minute I hit voting age I got to watch the party I put last in every ballot run the damn country, and it has for most of the time since. That's hard to swallow.

I hear you about the Family Tax Benefit and the pain of losing out on perceived earnings. On a similar principle, Centrelink base my partner's payment on what I have earned, not on what I have received, so oftentimes there is a gap of not much to pay the bills because the money isn't actually there yet - that also meant guessing what casual hours I might be getting, ahead of time. They have *finally* revised that only this month to earnings received, so at least things should get a bit better in that regard.

I'm glad you had your mum to help you through and take you out sometimes. I have had periods on and off with people who have done that sort of thing for me. One is my brother, who is currently going through a period of financial decline so usually can't (though he and Mum did spring for Indian recently, as a birthday treat, that was good). The other is one of my besties, who is also financially struggling and has just had fairly major surgery, so he won't be doing much of that either. No-one is having a good year. You're right about the "proudly independent" mindset. I definitely have that, especially given the most constant struggle of my life and one that has a lot to do with my depression is neglect (not from my partner, but the vast majority of people in my life before him).

Haven't done much in the way of slow cooker meals, they tend to be meat oriented and I am vegetarian. Roasting is a similar "chuck it in and leave it" process, I do that sometimes. My partner's health is hit and miss for that, but he does cook sometimes. We're trying out a household job roster that has him making two meals a week. He's doing pretty well with that so far - he is actually a very good and experienced cook, though his energy levels have him making fairly basic things for now.

Thank you, that is a kind thing to say. Touching, even.

I rang the Carer Gateway and was put through to someone who really listened and provided some practical help. They can direct you to local organisations which can help I've also rang Carers Victoria and found them helpful Speaking to someone who understands what its like to be a carer can really help. Not like centrelink which seems to be bound by rules to stop people getting help they need. My husband has a degenerative condition which has made him blind as well as other serious complications so I understand how stressful it is to care for a loved one.

I am still struggling to find a way to balance my caring role with self care to enable me to overcome my MH issues which have escalated over the last few years.

Hi Blue's Clues

I can relate to the challenge with the vegetarian side of things. Few years back, took the vegan path, to see whether it made a difference to my health. Did a heck of a lot of research so as to manage responsibly. Lasted about 18 months before my passionate love of cheese got the better of me. Went the vegetarian path for quite a period of time before I weakened again. Inspiration calls me back to vegetarian ways. There are so many health benefits, too many to ignore. The humane aspect is also picking away at my consciousness. Part of the challenge definitely involves cooking differently, imaginatively. It's so easy to use meat, as society is typically geared this way. So many cook books and short cuts (slow cooker recipes) for meat eaters. Actually, starting to sound like there's a market here. Producing your own veg slow cooker recipe book in the local community could be a money maker. Something basically bound, as professionally done is too costly. Your local people's market might welcome it. Maybe your husband could produce it.

Sorry to hear so many of your 'go to' people are struggling. I don't mean to sound selfish when I say other people's struggles can be exhausting. While we want to be there for them, especially when they've been there for us in the past, sometimes we don't have a lot of energy left to give. Managing their challenges on top of our own can take a toll. Although easier said than done at times, finding balance between their well being and our own is key. Trying to manage everyone's stressors can definitely be anxiety inducing, sometimes leaving us feeling like we're failing in some way, which can potentially be depressing. Truth is, we can be doing our best under the circumstances, simply failing to find the time (spare time that doesn't exist). Being able to look back and say 'I was an absolute champion, under the circumstances' can be a long time coming. If only we could recognise the best in our self while we were actually giving it. To love our self this much is skillful.

Hoping Elizabeth CP's avenue offers you more hope in the way forward. With the back and hip pain, wondering if some gentle stretching or even a bit of gentle yoga off YouTube will be of some benefit. We can carry so much mental and physical tension in our body, sometimes forgetting to release it. We typically give a little stretch in the morning, which sometimes just doesn't cut the mustard when we need more than a little stretch.

Take care :)

I haven't heard of the Carer Gateway before, Elizabeth, so that's really good information for me to look into. Thank you. You're not kidding about Centrelink. Sorry to hear of your husband's situation, I can just imagine how challenging that is.

It really is difficult to balance, isn't it? I'm sure it would be even without our own mental health struggles. I don't know if you've noticed it, there's a thread on self care in the Staying Well section, I find it helpful to pop in sometimes, keep myself accountable for looking after my own needs. Others there have some pretty good ideas for stuff to do for ourselves, too. Perhaps it might help you a little? Here to listen if you want to talk about your experience.

Hey Rising,

Do you mind me calling you "Rising"? Sounds more companionable with the "The".

Well, I guess I can't blame you about cheese, I'm rather partial to it, myself. I didn't actually struggle with going vegetarian, though I thought I would. It was a wholly ethical decision for me, the lives of animals are more important to me than pretty much anything. I haven't done any slow cooker stuff, but have come up with a lot of tweaks to meat based recipes. Your book idea is a good one, though if I were to have the energy to write a book, it will be on budgeting. Ol' Blue knows how to stretch a dollar a long way.

What you've said doesn't sound selfish, it's a simple fact. I was talking to someone just now about "compassion fatigue". Feeling for others is definitely exhausting. Fortunately, I'm not someone who takes the pain of others on myself, so that isn't a problem for me, and I know when to step back in most situations. The only place where the line is blurry is in my home, with my partner. He is right there all the time, needing me, and there is much less emotional separation when it's the person I am bound to. My friends and family know how much is on my plate and don't ask a lot of me, just a friendly ear or some company now and then, and that I can do - for my own sake as much as theirs.

Elizabeth's information is good, and I'll be following that up when I have a day off. I could definitely afford to do some more stretches and things. I do have physio exercises, which I have been doing. They help a bit. Will be off to the doctor in the fairly near future, I know better than to leave this unattended. One more bloody thing to do. Sigh.

How are you doing?

Hi Blue's Clues

Checking in to see how you are. Hoping the holiday season is being kind to you. Such a stressful time of year for some, that's for sure.

Myself, I'm well. Thanks for asking. By the way, I don't mind at all what name you feel comfortable with giving me. I must say, when I 1st saw your name I could not help but think of 'The thinking chair' song from Blue's Clues. Used to love watching that show with my nephew when he was little. How does it go, something like 'When we use our mind, a step at a time, we can do anything that we wanna do'. A step at a time is definitely hard to master when so many things are happening at once, hey. Finding the clues as to how life is meant to unfold more easily is definitely a challenge under certain circumstances. Elizabeth CP has given you a brilliant tip to explore in the way forward which I hope makes some positive difference. Little differences here and there can begin to add up, especially when the sameness of everything has become truly taxing.

:)

Hey Rising,

Thanks. It's been pretty full on, ol' Blue works in retail so I'm in the sector that works most - including Boxing Day, because my government decided SA would be the only state to not keep it a public holiday. Jerks. Christmas itself was okay, hope yours was too.

Glad you're doing well, hopefully not too busy over the silly season. Cheers for being accommodating re your name. My dad used to say "Call me whatever you like, just don't call me late for lunch". Hm, I don't know the song off by heart, the name came to me because Blue was already taken. My nephews loved the show, too. As for "one step at a time", I'm pretty good at that, a woman of my meagre resources deals with most things that way, as much as it galls me I can seldom do a thing quickly.

Yes, I've been lax in following her tip, unfortunately. Work has slammed my energy back down into the ground, I've had a bunch of physical ailments to trundle off to the doctor with and other bits of my mental health story have come to the fore to crash tackle me, so my mind has been everywhere. Trying to hang onto some self care. Some days I do better than others, for that, but as you say, it's the little things that make the difference. I appreciate you checking in. :)

Blue.