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Topic: Unstable Housemate - Feel Like A Prisoner In Own Home

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. DisplayName5742
    DisplayName5742 avatar
    2 posts
    21 December 2019

    Hello All,

    Currently struggling to cope due to my mentally unstable housemate. She's an alcoholic, but calls herself an "alcohol enthusiast" to soften the blow for herself. This habit drains a lot of her money and I get concerned about her ability to pay bills and rent. Her drinking until she's drunk is very common and I don't like being around her when she's drunk. Her partner who comes around to visit occasionally is also an alcoholic. Also loves drama and victimizing herself.

    She has a dog, which suffers from separation anxiety. Our neighbor recently complained about the barking, and has been told by the property manager to call the local council if it doesn't improve. In the case of a Council Investigation, if it does happen, my roommate has threatened to hurt herself if the council try and take the dog away. Which left me feeling very stressed. I've now been indirectly told I need to take the dog with me if I go anywhere to prevent the dog from barking. This has resulted in me feeling responsible for anything that happens should I leave the dog at home alone for an extended period of time. There's no way I can take the dog with me to work.

    While it's just a hunch, I think the neighbor only complained when they did due to my housemates partner almost running over one of the neighbors kids. Can't help feeling that this wouldn't have happened if my housemates partner had put his foot on the brake, or even just eased off the accelerator. I know he didn't as he bragged about it, saying it would be "natural selection" if the kid was "dumb enough to stay in the way." The next day a complaint about the dogs barking was made.

    Lastly, she doesn't clean. Before moving in together she said she hates living in an untidy/dirty place. It's been a few months now and she's swept and mopped once, done the dishes maybe six times and hasn't cleaned the toilet/bathroom. Being the clean freak I am, I've been doing most of the cleaning.

    Finding it all really frustrating. Feel like a prisoner in my own place, chained to the dog and the sink.

    At a loss of what to do. I'm too scared to talk to her as I don't know how she's going to react.

    DisplayName5742

  2. Flowertop
    Flowertop avatar
    18 posts
    21 December 2019 in reply to DisplayName5742

    Hi DN

    This is a terrible situation for you.

    Is it possible to write things down then suggest a house meeting to discuss things. You could discuss things on a general matter, like putting out the bins and cleaning up after yourself. It is usual to have house rules when you are sharing accomodation.
    Is the lease under both names or just yours. If hers, you could look for somewhere else and give her notice.

    You also need to make it clear to her that her dog is her responsibility.

    I feel for you. You deserve to feel comfortable within your own home.

  3. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    899 posts
    22 December 2019 in reply to DisplayName5742

    Dear DisplayName

    Not a nice place to be. Your housemate and partner are simply abusing you and your kindness. I suggest you give her notice to quit. I gather this is a rental property and your name is on the lease. Talk to the real estate agent about getting rid of your tenant. They will know what to do.

    The dog is not your concern. If the neighbour complains to the council and the dog is removed or your tenant is given a warning, then what your tenant does is not your concern. I doubt very much she will harm herself. It's an intimidatory tactic. But if she does then call an ambulance. You cannot allow her to dictate the terms of living with you.

    I know this sounds harsh but living with an alcoholic is very difficult. Add the boyfriend to the mix and your life becomes hell. I am appalled at the BF attitude to nearly running down the child. I think he knows how close he came to jail as no doubt he had been drinking, and was scared at the near miss.

    Two very unsavoury characters best got rid of. Give her an immediate notice to quit. It may cost you a month's rent but it also stops her and BF from trashing the place. Talk to the agent. This is important. Once they are gone change the locks on the doors and anything else.

    Your alternative is to find somewhere else to live and move while she is not around. However that makes it expensive and you will need to uproot yourself and start again.

    Mary

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    534 posts
    22 December 2019 in reply to DisplayName5742

    Displayname 5742

    I too welcome you to the forum.

    White Rose and flowertop have written helpful and supportive replies so I will not repeat what they have written.

    Living with other people whether you are relayed or not can pose many difficulties as you have to adapt to often some vary strange and annoying behaviours. When you have two people who are not sharing their responsibilities and are behaving in an immature way towards the dog and the cleaning of the house.

    All this adds stress for you.

    I am wondering were you friends with your housemate before she became your housemate or did you only meet her when she became your housemate.

    I do know it is best to deal with these difficulties before they become really stressful and make your life terrible.

    Quirky

  5. DisplayName5742
    DisplayName5742 avatar
    2 posts
    23 December 2019

    Hello Flowertop, White Rose and quirkywords,

    Thank you to all of your for your replies.

    Both of our names are on the lease and we were friends before moving in together, we met at work.

    White Rose, your comment about her abusing me and my kindness reminds me of a lot of times in the past that that has happened. It usually starts the same way too. Once a "friend" stops saying to me "you're too nice" and start asking for things, be weary. Thanks!

    I do now plan on speaking with her, thankfully having her go on holiday and your replies have allowed me to clear my head. I have an appointment with my counselor early next year, who is already mostly aware of the situation due to a recent appointment, where I'm going to discuss having the conversation with my housemate.

    The current plan is to just speak with her about doing some cleaning, and cleaning up after her dog. Maybe it could be worth asking her to contribute to groceries, after all she's full-time permanent to my casual 5 hours a week in hospitality and get Centrelink payments. I know there's no point asking her to do the shopping, spends way too much and I have to pay her back half, learned that one the hard way. Not going to mention her excessive drinking, she's already aware of that but won't do anything about it knowing how damaging that habit can be. She blurted that out when drunk once. Be nice if it wasn't so common and her BF didn't encourage her. It's torture, especially for someone with alcoholic parents which led to abuse.

    Sadly I do need a roommate as I wouldn't be able to afford this place otherwise. Should she respond poorly to me speaking with her, I'll start looking for either another roommate and live with them in another rental, or find a cheaper rental and live there without a roommate.

    Something that has stopped me previously is that I own about 90% of the furniture in this place and was terrified of her damaging things. Gotten past that now. My mental health is more important than possessions that can be replaced.

    About the 5 hours a week at work, I am looking for other work, which will have multiple benefits.

    Thanks again for all your replies, it's been a huge help. Feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Got a plan now which is great.

    Regards,

    DisplayName5742

  6. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    899 posts
    23 December 2019 in reply to DisplayName5742

    Dear DisplayName

    I am so pleased we could offer you some help. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Do you buy all the groceries? Wow!

    I do hope you can sort out all this 'stuff'. It appears you would be much better off financial and mentally without her. I can appreciate how difficult it must be to share your home in these circumstances when living alone is not financially possible. You have my best wishes for the future.

    Despite all this have the best Christmas you can. Post in here any time.

    Mary

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