Hi Riverrock1981 and welcome,
Reading your post and the reply from Quirky about hiding shopping bags made me want to reply too and throw another view out there.
I understand feeling the need to hide spending.
I've never spent much but I used to put aside $20 of my pay a fortnight to buy morning tea for playdates or spoil our kids sometimes. Hubby looked at my bank statement and absolutely lost it. Like you said it was decieptful.
Now we have a joint account and I don't have the option anymore of avoiding the inevitable conflict.
So it is a constant argument in our home and is making me feel resentful and controlled. Hubby sees it as me wasting money, encouraging our kids to eat poorly and as enabling my binge eating.
What I try to make him understand is that everyone has coping mechanisms. Ok binge eating is an unhealthy coping mechanism but it is the only thing that helps when I hit another low. He expects me to cut out treats but there is nothing to replace it with.
Reading your post kind of hurt because it felt like my own situation. How you are wondering if you should take your girls away from your wife. This is one of the reasons I hide my faults. Because deep down I think my kids and husband would be better off without me but I desperately want them.
I don't know how to change this behaviour and like your wife I seek help and medication and try and try and try... And keep on failing. The knowledge that eventually hubby will give up on me and take our kids away is like acid inside.
It is a viscious cycle because it makes the depression worse and I spend and binge more attempting to cope.
You ask how can you trust her. I ask you to consider another view... how can she trust you? How can we trust to come to our spouse for help and support when the response is anger and rejection?
Just another view. I make no excuses for what I do. It's crap and I hate it. But it is the only way I know how to cope and lifetime habits are hard to break.