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Topic: Unsure how to feel

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. riverrock1981
    riverrock1981 avatar
    3 posts
    22 February 2019

    Hi all,

    I have inadvertently discovered that my wife of 6 years has been seeing a psychologist and is on medication for depression. While she has periods of low mood, I would never have thought that she was clinically depressed. She did suffer from depression as a teenager as a result of family issues but as long as I have known her, she had appeared to have moved on from that and was in a good place.

    She has had previous issues with credit card debt, where I have discovered on a number of occasions that she has secretly run up thousands of dollars on cards. It was as a result of discovering another instance of this, and in the ensuing argument, that she revealed that she was seeing a psychologist and that the spending was the result of an addiction fuelled by depression.

    Hence why I am really unsure how to feel. On the one hand, I am angry and upset that once again, she has betrayed my trust and lied to me, but on the on the other hand, I am concerned for her well being. She is wonderful, loving mother to our 2 little girls, and while she does have difficulty in showing affection as a result of her upbringing, we do have a good relationship (although it does have it's issues)

    So, effectively, I'm torn between the love and loyalty i feel towards my wife, and the anger i feel at being misled and deceived. I am also concerned about what this will mean for our relationship, both the depression and my loss of trust. I also wonder at what point do I say that depression, or no depression, enough is enough and I need to walk away (both for my own mental well-being and financial security for myself and our children).

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts or comments

  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    13352 posts
    23 February 2019 in reply to riverrock1981

    Hi Riverrock, a good thread, and welcome to the site.

    When people do have depression they pretend to hide the fact that they are suffering and obviously that's what your wife has been able to do.

    Everything you believed to be true has suddenly been called into question and any mistrust can open the door to the possibility that things in your life may not be real, but perhaps she was too scared to tell you and/or the kids that she is struggling and often this distrust is often misplaced so you can learn on how to trust again.

    Can I suggest you talk to Anglicare who will help you deal with the credit cards as well as talking about the issues which frighten you, they will also offer individual counselling.

    I had been talking with them myself when I was in a mess and they helped me.

    Is it possible that both of you can restore any feelings of trust, to repair this between you, that's a question you may need to decide on, and another option is to go bankrupt, not that I suggest this at will.

    If you decide not to go to Anglicare then can I please suggest you contact your doctor.

    I'm very sorry that it has come to this point, and hope you can get back to us, as there maybe questions or situations you are unsure of.

    My Best.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    7938 posts
    23 February 2019 in reply to riverrock1981

    I too want to welcome you riverock to this forum.

    Geoff has given a very helpful post with useful suggestions.

    Unfortunately depression is very difficult for both the person struggling with it and those living with that person.

    I can understand that you feel that she has betrayed your trust again . When we are depressed we often lie to ourselves, that we are not really spending that much. I used to leave my shopping bags on the bus so my partner would not know what I bought or lie how I much paid for things. For me if I pretended I had not bought anything or that I paid only a little , I thought it would help me cope but it didn't course.

    My case is different as I had been diagnosed with bipolar and would spend when high but was I in denial for years.

    It was not until years later when I starting get help , that I realised how my behaviour whether the overspending or the deep dark depressions affected my partner and children.

    I had thought of it as a trust or betrayal issue but I thought it was about my health.

    Thank you for explaining how you are unsure how you feel.

    post here as often as you like as hopefully writing down your thought will give you some clarity.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3499 posts
    24 February 2019 in reply to riverrock1981

    Hi Riverrock1981 and welcome,

    Reading your post and the reply from Quirky about hiding shopping bags made me want to reply too and throw another view out there.

    I understand feeling the need to hide spending.

    I've never spent much but I used to put aside $20 of my pay a fortnight to buy morning tea for playdates or spoil our kids sometimes. Hubby looked at my bank statement and absolutely lost it. Like you said it was decieptful.

    Now we have a joint account and I don't have the option anymore of avoiding the inevitable conflict.

    So it is a constant argument in our home and is making me feel resentful and controlled. Hubby sees it as me wasting money, encouraging our kids to eat poorly and as enabling my binge eating.

    What I try to make him understand is that everyone has coping mechanisms. Ok binge eating is an unhealthy coping mechanism but it is the only thing that helps when I hit another low. He expects me to cut out treats but there is nothing to replace it with.

    Reading your post kind of hurt because it felt like my own situation. How you are wondering if you should take your girls away from your wife. This is one of the reasons I hide my faults. Because deep down I think my kids and husband would be better off without me but I desperately want them.

    I don't know how to change this behaviour and like your wife I seek help and medication and try and try and try... And keep on failing. The knowledge that eventually hubby will give up on me and take our kids away is like acid inside.

    It is a viscious cycle because it makes the depression worse and I spend and binge more attempting to cope.

    You ask how can you trust her. I ask you to consider another view... how can she trust you? How can we trust to come to our spouse for help and support when the response is anger and rejection?

    Just another view. I make no excuses for what I do. It's crap and I hate it. But it is the only way I know how to cope and lifetime habits are hard to break.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Purple People Eater
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Purple People Eater avatar
    36 posts
    25 February 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat

    When I read your post, the first thing I thought was that your partner was a control freak. He is threatening to break up the relationship over $20 a fortnight spent on treats? Also, you earnt the money, shouldn't you have some say about where it is spent? I believe he has contributed to your depression from what you have said.

    FYI, I care for my hubby with mental illness who doesn't earn much if any money. While he makes financial choices I don't always agree with, I would never deny him $10 a week for treats.

    Regarding: "You ask how can you trust her. I ask you to consider another view... how can she trust you? How can we trust to come to our spouse for help and support when the response is anger and rejection?"

    I completely agree with what you are saying here to RiverRock. If you love this woman, you have children with her, and understand she's not perfect... How can she trust you? Are you giving anger and rejection like Nat's husband?

    Good luck

    PPE

  6. riverrock1981
    riverrock1981 avatar
    3 posts
    25 February 2019

    Hi All,

    Thank you for taking the time to provide thoughtful and helpful comments.

    In response to some of the points raised, I am relieved that I finally know what is happening and that I can support her through this time. I can only imagine the stress she must have been under trying to conceal both her mental well-being and her spending. I already sense her relief that it has come out, and I have tried to be as supportive as I can. I haven't addressed the money issue in any meaningful way as yet as I feel that can wait for another time, when she is in a better place to discuss it.

    With regards the spending, it is not so much the money as the deception that bothers me. In the overall scheme of things, her health is the most important thing as while it is a reasonable sum, it will not break the bank. However, the fact that it has arisen before and we had agreed a way forward, only for her to then hide both her spending and health issues upsets me. It's about honesty and respect really.

    In terms of controlling spending, I would agree that falling out over $20 is unfair. We manage our money in such a way that we both have an agreed sum that we can do with as we please. This avoids any conflict as to the value or appropriateness of any purchases.

    Anyway, thanks again for comments

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