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Topic: Working with my ex who i believe is narcissistic

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Clamnation
    Clamnation avatar
    1 posts
    13 February 2019

    Hi there,

    Never got involved in forums but I’m finding my current situation very difficult.

    i am currently working with my ex who I believe suffers from npd. She left me about 2 months ago after we had been together and living together for about 6-7 months officially.

    At the time I was completely heartbroken and so shocked how everything eventuated as I felt I put her first in everything. She did some terrible things but still managed to make me feel like it was my fault. Eventually breaking up with me.

    at the time I didn’t understand what npd was but since then the whole process has more or less made sense.

    i currently work with her and am in the middlefrom being there for her and moving on. I am totally confused has to what she wants but I have total trust issues and feel like she’s stringing me along . If I don’t give her attention she states I don’t care and I’m not trying to fix things.

    people are telling me to cut her off but she has made sucidal threats regualarly and says she has no one, no friends and she has a disjointed family. She tells me she’s worthless. She does have depression

    I really do not know what to do, I am there for her at work but it’s affecting my mental state immensely

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8252 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to Clamnation

    Hi welcome

    In the matter of threatening suicide people that are serious about suicide will find ways to carry out their choice regardless of how vigilant you are.

    While you are not responsible for any action she might take we are all responsible for not giving reason for them to promote the idea through our behaviour. Once we are satisfied that we are being fair, reasonable and so on and we want to separate then beyond that we cant be held responsible.

    Those that threaten suicide imo need to be evaluated by professional medical people so you can recommend they see a doctor, even offer to accompany her. But your plans to separate should not be left on hold for very long after you have announced them because if you do she will assume that is the way she will accomplish her plan- emotional blackmail.

    So be careful, fair, reasonable, firm and supportive but not bend to accommodate her threats.

    When she states "you don't care" say to yourself "I know I do care, her assessment of my level of care is her perspective...it is wrong but I am not here to convince her, she is entitled to her own opinion".

    There are a lot of narcissistic people around. If she hasn't been diagnosed you cant label her as such, however, like the last paragraph, you have a right to an opinion. Her comments that say "its all your fault" are very common in arguments, turning around accusations is a handy tool for some. However your own mental strength if waning, will display you weak minded and question yourself. That could well be a weakness she is aware of and using that weakness is a sign I would not call love.

    Don't be afraid of yourself being weak minded. We cant all be strong in every regard. But we also should not take criticism for what is natural.

    I hope I've helped you clarify any need for medical assessment and moving forward a visit to your GP would be beneficial with or without her.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Purple People Eater
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Purple People Eater avatar
    36 posts
    14 February 2019 in reply to Clamnation

    Hi Clamnation

    Suicidal behaviour makes everything different, doesn't it? The first counsellor I went to see told me my husband had lots of reasons to commit suicide in the past, and less reasons now. So he probably wouldn't do it. He was probably just manipulating me.

    Years later, after carer education workshops, more counselling (with a better counselor), and attending a safeTalk suicidal talk/ideation workshop, I know that:

    • Desperate people may kill themselves. Talking about suicide is not a good sign. But we can't assume it's a deliberate attempt to manipulate us. Desperate people will use whatever means they think is okay to get someone to meet their needs. Think about a small child who pretends to be sick or is naughty to get their parent's attention.
    • We are not responsible for keeping suicidal people alive, no matter how much I care about them. They are responsible for keeping themselves alive. We can help, but it can becoming overwhelming without training and support. So, If my husband kills himself, it's not my fault.

    TonyWK has some excellent points. There's also another post where someone is supporting someone with PTSD with some excellent advice.

    Keep posting and good luck!

    PPE

    1 person found this helpful

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