Topic: Worried for my Husband.

My husband and l have been married for 14 yrs.
This year due to covid we have been living separately but still happily married till 2 weeks ago.

My husband who suffers depression and drinks excessively had a big year working and his employment did not end well. I kept asking him to slow down knowing it would not turn out well.
Last week he stopped talking to me. Wont answer my phone calls etc

He sent me text to say his done.
I've sent him a message telling him lm here for him and love him.

My approach this time is different. Rather than begging him to stay l am keeping away. I feel he has to now make the decision to get better.
He drinks a bottle of scotch a night and for many years lve put up with it. His mood swings are increasingly worrisome. He refuses to seek help. I have asked a friend to reach out to him and yet to respond.
Am l doing the right thing. Suggestions welcome.

Hello SalC, I know and can feel exactly how you and your husband are

Hello SalC, I know and can feel how you and your husband are at the moment, unsure of who you can contact and trying to help him, whether it's him accepting the need for counselling or to overcome his denial and with an addiction drinking a bottle of scotch per night is not going to easy, unless he becomes short of finance.

Sometimes when a spouse/partner pursues this issue, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down, making it more difficult to be able to share how you feel while nothing is comprehended.

Living separately as you are now maybe a good option and wonder whether you are able to separate your bank accounts.

My wife left me several times, when I was the manager and part owner of a family hotel, my wife's side, then manager of a large hotel, simply because I didn't spend enough time with her and the kids, but it goes deeper than that and much more to the story, but was also in denial, now I don't drink at all and haven't for just over a year.

I just want to post this to connect with you, although I am about to log off, but will wait for you to reply when you can.

I had half typed a reply but had to go out, my apologies.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks Geoff.

He is very financial to support his alcohol habit and we have both joint and separate accounts.
We have a joint business but he has not turned up.

My biggest concern is that me not being there too support him will be something that get brought up later.
The reason lm staying away is he said "his done" with me
I trying to give him space. We have had no contact the last 7 days.

Though lm not sure it's the right thing.

He has had counselling before but lied so even bringing that up is not an option.

Right now he just ignores me or is down right rude.

Any suggestions

Hello SalC, thanks for getting back and it does put you in an awkward position, having a joint business, decisions will need to be made which you are going to make and because he's not talking with you, then he may disagree with you on principle.

Can I ask you a delight question and I'm sorry for doing so, but is there any love in this relationship or hope it will improve at least by him, and only answer if you want to, there is no commitment what so ever.

Just because he's said he doesn't want to talk with you, is certainly no interaction that he doesn't love you because the alcohol has replaced his thoughts with negative ones, and I say this because it was beyond me to say that I loved my wife like I did before the depression, I was confused about everything, the self employed business I created and work months in advance that I was unable to do, the clients let down, but depression smoothed these thoughts and replaced by alcohol.

There is much more to this.

Geoff.

Hi SalC

It does sound like you are in a difficult situation. It is difficult when you are concerned for someone, they say they are done and are not in contact with you.

You mentioned you have a joint business and he has not shown up, are you saying that he is not attending work at present?

Do you know anyone who is in contact with him to let you know if he is okay or not?

I am wondering if you have a financial advisor who may be able to offer suggestions regarding the business and what happens if he doesn't show up for work.

An organisation like Relationships Australia may be able to help you with suggestions as well on how to be or not be in contact with him.

Depression can be a horrible illness for those suffering from it and from those who love and care for them.

How do you think he would react to a text from you just letting him know you are thinking of him?

Hope you are able to work through this.

Regards from Dools

Hi, we have a holiday accommodation business which is in addition to our other jobs.
He would normally do the mowing but didn't turn up to do it as l expected. Luckily l was able to get someone to do it for me.
In the past his ignored me previously but this seems different this time.

Im going to check on him this week, though l expect l will be ignored or told to leave.

I feel like l should stand me ground as its my home too and stay. Not leave.


I feel he is being disrespectful to me and our marriage.

For the first time in 14yrs l have not tried to contact him so l can gather my thoughts and give him space. Going on 10 days.

His been checking his socials so l at least know his getting up.

My biggest concern is what reaction l will get by him. I don't want to fight and l know emotions will be high.

Hi SalC,

Just wanted to reach out to you and see how you got on with your husband.

I can see how difficult your situation is. And it's hard for us wives to stand by our husbands when they are pushing us away. I hope you managed to talk to him and let him know that you are there to support him.

Take care.

Hi,

I hope you're doing well. Hang in there. Everything will be all right. Give him space for a while then make him see that you're there no matter what. Hugs!