I would also like to welcome you to bb and let you know that I am very sorry to hear of the pain you are in, both physically and emotionally. Hugs to you.
I have suffered pain in my life too; the worst time was when I broke my back. Recovery was slow and painful, but it really helped to have something to work towards--walking again. I acutely remember how being in constant pain affected my mood, I reckon I was irritable most of the time and sad as I was confined to hospital and then home for a prolonged period of time.
I'm gathering that you are in a different situation and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, is that right? Or is there hope for a treatment to relieve your current pain? I'm wondering if you have seen a pain management specialist, as I heard on radio recently about some new developments in this area. Perhaps you could speak with your GP about this?
My daughter lives with a chronic mental health condition (OCD) and it is painful at times . My "words of wisdom" for you are the same as they are to her: you can let this illness destroy you or you can fight to live your best life.
My daughter has a full life but she does things her way. For example, she attends university part time and she ensures she gets plenty of exercise and good sleep. Strict limits on alcohol. No party drugs. Not necessarily the norm for a 21 year old, but she's happy. The experience of battling OCD has lead to her developing a deep empathy for others and unbelievable strength. She is the bravest person I know.
Not everything in life can be "fixed", there are unfortunately things in life that we have to carry. It's not fair and it's rotten but I suspect that everybody carries something. How we carry our burdens matter. It's about doing your best and finding your silver lining, despite the cards that you've been dealt.
Kind thoughts to you