Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: I'm new here and wondering if I belong?

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    28 April 2022
    Hi. This feels like a big step for me but an important one. I'm here because feel adrift and emotionally exhausted. Maybe it is time to reach out and find out how other people cope? This isn't easy for an introvert like me but maybe it will help to know I am not as alone as I feel; maybe there are other people in the same boat as me? The thing is, I've been getting messages from the people around me that I am my own worst enemy, or I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But am I? I truly feel as if everyone relies on me, but no one actually asks 'How are you coping??'
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Mark Z.
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Mark Z. avatar
    195 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi BelleG,

    Welcome to the forum!

    You're brave and it's definitely a right decision to come here and share your story.

    People here are caring, willing to listen, give advice or share their lived experience.

    Trust me you're not alone, there are other people in the same boat.

    If you feel comfortable, please share more details of your story.

    Mark

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    144 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi BelleG,

    Welcome! You are certainly not alone. I am in the same boat for sure. I'm an introvert too.

    Talking to my loved ones only makes things worse. They don't seem to be compassionate at all.

    At the end of the day, we ourselves need to try out various coping strategies and see what works. Definitely not a simple process. Also I don't think there's real fix. It's all about ongoing management.

    I'm listening if you would like to talk more. Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Doog
    Doog avatar
    25 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi BelleG,

    Welcome! You are not alone. I come here for comfort every so often and am always overwhelmed by the support and the friendly advice which is helpful. I am currently in a program for my drinking problem which came out of nowhere (as it seemed) as I was already fighting the demons of anxiety. I am also an introvert, have no friends and live alone. I have adult children who are social and successful so they lovingly just make fun of me.

    I know how it feels when family don't actually "get you" and they think you are still that person who runs around and solves everything, without realising you are struggling internally. After a senior death in the family my siblings thought they were "busier" than me and expected me to do all the paperwork and organising.

    My drinking and going into recluse mode just got worse, so all I can suggest is reaching out to a suitable organisation that meets your needs. I certainly feel like I finally have a "buddy" in my personal program, where we can discuss my meds versus the drinking and how to overcome that.

    I always thought I was educated enough to methodically work through everything. I realised when your brain chemistry is altered, you no longer have the full control you thought you did. You must get help to assess what strategies you need to disconnect from whatever has changed your situation to "uncomfortable'.

    It may be as simple as no longer being a "yes" person, standing up and saying, (what my siblings told me LOl)

    "hey we have got a lot going on down here, very busy right now"......

    Take a step back and don't be used for what others seem too busy for. You are busy too remember, looking after your own affairs, having rest time, quiet time.

    Hope this helps

    Make you number one for now if you are struggling

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2125 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi BelleG,

    Well come to our forums.

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

    We are all a very caring supportive community and we are here to listen to you.

    Please tell us more when you are ready.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2818 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi Belle

    I feel for you so much. You sound so triggered and exhausted and understandably so. Some of the triggers that tend to set me off include ones you mention: When someone says 'You're your own worst enemy' and 'You're just feeling sorry for your self', grrrr! Let's throw in a 'You're too sensitive' just to boot. Being a gal who's easily triggered at times, I can really feel those ones. Do you find it questionable that no one follows up with these observations in a constructive way? Constructive would sound like 'You're your own worst enemy but I going to raise you in ways where you'll grow to fully love yourself while feeling like your own best friend'. How about instead of 'You're just feeling sorry for yourself' you heard 'Do you know why you're feeling such sorrow for your self and which part of your self you're feeling sorrow for?'. Far more caring. Being the rasier of others, like your are, people should be working to raise you.

    While I might sound like an intolerant easily triggered ranter, this aspect of who I am was developed beyond my years in depression. While in depression I did feel great sorrow, I did feel like my own worst enemy and I definitely felt completely lost amongst it all. Beyond depression, I began to analyse things more objectively. I came to question 'What in hell (and it was hell on earth) were the people around me doing to raise me out of that place?'. Some folk tried a little to make a difference but, in general, it felt like the majority were kinda keeping their fingers crossed that I wouldn't be so moody or that I would somehow miraculously 'snap out of it'. I think only those who feel or have felt depression can relate to the hellish nature of it and how hard you gotta work to manage it as well as managing all the ways you make an effort to try and come out of it.

    These days I've come to rely heavily on my feelings as a compass. I can feel people bringing me down and/or exhausting me, leading me to 'head south'. Hope the following inspires. If I say to someone 'I can feel you bringing me down' and they respond with 'No I'm not', I challenge with 'No, you're definitely bringing me down because I can definitely feel you doing it'. Belle, I can also feel 'a raiser'. Such people have such a light feel to them. They're not heavy and there's a brightness to them that radiates a warmth. You have that warmth Belle.

    How do you feel about making demands when it comes to how others need to start serving you better?

    1 person found this helpful
  7. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2022
    Oh my Gosh! I got so involved with trying to stay ... sane ... that it was only yesterday when I remembered this Forum. Well, in a way, that might have been a good things because then I was blessed by all these astonishing replies. THANK YOU everyone. I am so glad I logged on and I won't forget to log on again tomorrow! (Or even later today...)
    1 person found this helpful
  8. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to Mark Z.

    My Story. It seems, I seem, so foolish. I'm a Baby Boomer, first person in my family to get a tertiary education, but also married early and had three kids between September 1977 and September 1980, so my 20s and 30s were busy. I returned to work in 1982, part time, and then changed jobs, but not my profession, I just worked in different sectors.I was never really happy or satisfied with my work of family life. My husband was (is) a good man but he is 7 years older than and we sometimes seemed a generation apart. I always wanted to be a writer and I 'dabbled', doing some classes and workshops ... and I love learning. I have an insatiable desire to work out the world by trying to use my brain. I went back to Uni in 2004 (creative writing my dream) and went to PhD level but

    while working on that I left my 32 year marriage (my kids were devastated). For two years lived alone and, apart from the grieving process I was in my element. Then I met a man, also creative, and very talented and we ended up going to the theatre together, moving in together, buying a house together and going to Europe in 2017. But when we returned I discovered he'd was having an 'emotional affair' with a woman 40 years his junior. The saga of her (obvious) rejection of him, his breakdown when she blocked him on social media, and the threat to his considerable reputation meant I became his designated 'carer', effectively caring for someone grieving the loss of a very dodgy 'relationship' He's gaslighted me, manipulated me emotionally, and I wish I could simply walk away but I don't want to lose 'our' house (I paid for half of it upfront), I am frightened of being homeless and just really angry and depressed by the unfairness of it all. I've been so down for the last 3 years I've lost friends of 40 and 50 years and feel really flat a lot of the time. Thank you all, again, for sharing your stories. I am sorry I can't reply to all of you ....

    1 person found this helpful
  9. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to therising

    Hi There. No one has said I have warmth to me before, it is a strange but nice notion. I guess I started caring for others when I was very young. my mother suffered from depression, but refused to seek help.I was either walking on eggshells around her or looking after her when she was, as she called it, 'upset'. So looking after people is ingrained. And so, making demands of others feels out of character, dangerous (my mother often blamed me for causing her 'upsets') and asking for trouble. Given the reason, as described in my story, why I am depressed means my 'demanding' my partner stop seeing this 'friend' for coffee and not texting her all the time resulted in me feeling as if (as he told me time and again) that I was the problem. I wasn't the problem, I am not the problem. I need to say that to myself until it sinks in ...

    Thank you.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Mark Z.
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Mark Z. avatar
    195 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi BelleG,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I'm so sorry for your experience. It must be very hard for you. But I believe that you're right, you were not the problem, you are not the problem. You're just a very kind person, this shouldn't be a problem anyway.

    You mentioned that you couldn't leave your partner, because you're worried about being homeless. Are you still with him now? What's your current status?

    You used to be very brave in chasing your dream, which is to become a writer. What I want to say is, it's never too late to do so. We always need some light in our lives, getting back to our initial dreams may be the best way.

    Mark

  11. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Mark Z.

    Hi Mark. Thanks for your reply .... Yes, we are still together and he wants to 'start again.' My problem is we have started again several ties and I am weary, and wary, of things getting better and then going downhill again.

    It feels as if, in this last week I am just not functioning and I don't know how to get myself back on track.

    Belle

  12. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2818 posts
    13 May 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi Belle

    You're a beautiful and brilliant combination, I must say. A creative writer, a carer of others, a 'feeler' (sensitive in so many powerful ways), an occasional risk taker/life changer, a mum, a philosopher and so much more.

    As a 51yo gal, I find the older I get the more some things can become a little fearful. I figure it's because the parts of me that are destined to come to life are the parts of me I'm either not entirely aware yet of or I simply haven't learned to fully channel. I believe we have a whole stack of facets to us. If you can imagine an old style wagon wheel, at the core there is the hub or the core sense of self. All the spokes are the different aspects or offshoots of who we are. It's a matter of 'pick your spoke' when it comes to which part of us we need to bring to life at any given time. Whether it's the creative aspect, the fearless one, the analyst, the demanding and self respecting aspect, the feeler, the sage or some other part, they're all there.

    Perhaps it is 'the cartographer' you're looking to channel, a part that is able to map the way forward. If so, I can relate. Personally, I can't stay in the place I'm in for much longer. That place is a depressing marriage. With my husband being a basically nice guy, we've just grown apart to the point where we see and feel life so differently. He's more inclined to shut down communication that leads him to feel uncomfortable, rather than open it up in ways that help the relationship evolve. Basically, I have to suppress parts of myself so as not to rock the boat too much. As you would know Belle, being a people pleaser has its down side. It can get depressing. Having escaped 15 or so years of depression some time back, I vowed never to go there again and I'd do whatever it took not to. What does my map look like? Not sure. I never really thought about channeling 'the cartographer' in me until now. I have you to thank for that. Chatting with you has triggered me to greater consciousness and it's much appreciated.

    Belle, I've found one of the key strengths of a gaslighter to be...the can easily mess with our imagination. How dare they. The imagination is a beautiful and incredibly powerful thing yet, when manipulated, can create a kind of hell on earth at times. It's unfair what your mum and partner have led you to imagine over the years. Imagine you're not the problem. Imagine yourself as actually having been the solution, when it comes to other people's evolution.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. FightingForSanity
    FightingForSanity avatar
    3 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi Belle,

    I’m a newbie here as well, unsure how I fit in and whether this is the right place for me. I just wanted to address what you said about people not understanding and saying you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. Before I was diagnosed with depression, I had similar thoughts. I used to look at people with depression or other issues and think “ok so you feel sad, just get over it and move on”. It wasn’t that I was trying to be hurtful or vindictive, it was just that I had never walked in their shoes and couldn’t place myself in their position and understand what they were experiencing. Never feel like you have to justify how you’re feeling, to you or to anyone else. If you’re experiencing it then it is real to you, and it doesn’t matter whether anyone else thinks it’s reasonable or makes sense or anything else. I don’t know if you will find what you’re needing here, or whether I will either, but I wish you nothing but the best in your journey and am always up for a chat anytime.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. BelleG
    BelleG avatar
    6 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to FightingForSanity

    Thank you. I'm not here often but every time I log on I tell myself I should be more proactive and make more use of the forums. It's sometimes a struggle to find the time (probably because I'm still looking after others rather than myself). I hope the sanity you're fighting for is yours soon ... take care ... and if you're still part of this forum I'd love to chat.

    Belle

  15. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2818 posts
    14 June 2022 in reply to BelleG

    Hi Belle

    Just checking in to see how things are going. Any new revelations that have come to mind?

    I love positively mind altering revelations Belle. There's something energising about them. It's like you can look back over time at years of a certain behaviour of your own or someone else's when suddenly it hits, 'That's the reason. I never realised 'til now. It all makes perfect sense. How did I miss that?!'. Might sound strange but I always know when I'm on the verge of a mind altering life changing revelation because what always precedes it is me becoming incredibly down. I suppose you could say the process is kind of like me becoming down through something that's naturally depressing and then facing the job of raising myself through that (typically with a lot of questioning) in order to finally reach the revelation. Can be hard work at times, rising up through and beyond the dark part of the process. Especially tough when you can feel the nature of the challenge (one that's saddening/sorrowful, angering, confusing, frustrating etc).

    I believe incredible revelations hold the power to reform us, reshape us, reinvent us :)

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up