Topic: Life is to hard

Hi,

for over 5 years I wanted to leave my husband due to narcissism and accusations he wouldn’t constantly make if he thought I would be cheating on him. I stayed with him as we have kids together, as my oldest daughter was badly bullied, and the other excelled I was so exhausted, I continued to build career, keep study and managed to support myself. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression as my husband is demanding, it’s my youngest last year of school and I thought things were going to be ok, but my oldest attempted last week.This has shattered all of us. I’m trying to be strong for everyone, yet have no support as my dad had quadruple bypass and I am unable to tell him as his too weak.
I just don’t know what todo anymore?

how do we stay strong. How do I do this?

Hi Lila15

Welcome to the bb forum.

I can hear that you are worn down by all the issues in your life and I’m so very sorry. But I also feel your inner strength and strong love and commitment to your children coming through in your post. You’re a good mum and person.

Sometimes in life it feels as though the universe is against us and it’s so unfair. But you are not alone and you can get through this.

I understand how shattered you must be feeling about your eldest daughter’s attempt, as I’ve been there with my daughter. Please remember that while people unfortunately fall unwell, they also get better.

This simple truth, and hope for better days ahead, kept me going. There were also a few practical things I did that really helped.

I leaned on the shoulders of my friends and family. I sought professional counselling support for myself. I took at least half an hour a day to myself to do something I enjoyed. I called the beyondblue support line when I needed advice on navigating the mental health system to help my daughter or when I needed support.

You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help your daughter and support the rest of your family.

And I took life one day at a time. This is most important. You can’t deal with everything at once. You can’t fix everything on day one. You just deal with whatever is in front of you that day and plough on as best you can.

Please post any time. This community will walk with you, offering support as best we can.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi Lila15,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you have been through so much.

I understand you would feel shattered after your eldest attempted it really must feel heart breaking, as Mums we only want to protect our children.

It must be hard to watch one of your children go through mental illness and to see the pain there in and not know what to do to help them.

Can I ask if your eldest is receiving professional help?

You really are trying to be so strong for everyone else but remember that you too need support... we are all here for you, please reach out to us anytime.

Anxiety and depression can be hard to deal with and I understand that you are also dealing with this.

Have you ever received professional help for your anxiety and depression?

How do we stay strong?

I look at my Mum and I just think to myself how did my Mum stay so strong….. my Mum supported me through a mental health condition and she was there for me when I ever I needed support…… My Mum would say she stayed strong because she knew she had to be….. amazing really just an inner strength one of a kind….. I understand that it must have been tough for her but she just kept going.

Im sorry for what your Dads going through aswell.

Please remember your not alone and we are here as a community to support you.

Hello Lila, thank you for providing us with such a massive comment, and understand that it's been such an awful struggle to stay afloat with a husband who has not treated you or your kids with the respect that you all deserve, and this it's not something we expect when we decide to get married and it must be heartbreaking for you.

I am so sorry about your eldest but sometimes when this happens, it can draw you even closer together, which is the support you both need and appreciate that you want this yourself to comfort your eldest.

All of us want to help as much as we can and really hope you can get back to us whenever you're available.

My best.

Geoff. x

Hi,

It hurts so much, my husband and I tried so hard for my oldest daughter and she still yells at us, says hurtful things, ignores us, the lot. No matter what we did, it wasn’t good enough. Paying her rent, the car, all her living expenses and trying to help her mentally has been difficult. So tonight we said she could move back into her rental but will need to pay it herself. Was I bad to say that? Financially I can not pay for her living expenses and rent, she needs to work, if she needs time off she has no money and needs to live with us, but when she does live/ stay with us she argues, lazy, lies, you name it.

Maybe…Your right, I need my oxygen mask… I can’t keep doing this, I’m going to work mentally and physically exhausted and still need to pay and support my daughter.

I just find it so hurtful that we tried so hard, and she walked out like we were nothing to her

Hi Lila15

I can understand why you are hurt by your daughter’s actions. I’m not going to make excuses for your daughter but it might help to remember two things.

One, she is unwell. Sometimes when people are experiencing a MH condition their behaviour can be concerning, confronting or even confusing at times due to their symptoms.

My daughter has OCD and anxiety and, while it has taken some time, I can now clearly tell the difference between behaviour caused by her illnesses and the “real” her. MH knowledge and compassion can help you to better understand, and respond to, your daughter’s behaviour.

Two, she is young. It could be that your daughter is still maturing and yet to learn some important lessons to in life. They all make mistakes and so do we as parents. Time and love can help get you through.

I don’t think it was unreasonable for you to put limits on the financial support you provide to fund your daughter’s accommodation. We all try to do the best we can for our kids within our means. There is always a limit and you matter too.

Has your daughter decided to come back home? How are you coping? No pressure to answer but I am here with you.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi,

She stayed with us a little while and now back at unit, we helped clean room, car, washed all clothing to help. She has good days and bad days. I get so anxious when it’s a bad day and understand it’s a mental condition, I read so much about it, but it still hurts. Thank you for your reply. I just feel like I’m on tension all the time and on 24hours.

Hi Lila15

Sounds like you have done an amazing job to support your daughter with her transition back to her unit. Well done.

I’d like to gently ask if your daughter has a safety plan in place? This could be a really useful tool for her right now. Bb has an app called Beyond Now which you may want to consider.

I understand what you mean by the constant tension and need to be on call 24/7. It’s exhausting. But please know that it can improve.

People unfortunately fall ill, but they also get better.

I understand that you’re hurt by your daughter’s behaviour. I have been hurt too and I get it. But when our children are hurting they often take things out on the people they love.

I don’t think a lot of people understand how painful MH conditions can be and how they impact families and carers along with the person who is unwell.

I’m hoping that your dad is recovering well and that your husband is supportive of you. How is your youngest child getting on?

Please try to care for yourself. Eat well, try to get adequate rest, slip in some exercise and do what you can to “shut off”. Perhaps listen to music, watch a movie or just enjoy a warm bath—whatever you would enjoy. It helps to balance out the pain.

Remember, your oxygen mask first.

You’ve got a lot on your plate right now and it would be lovely if the universe would just give you a break. I wish there was more I could do or say to help.

Kind thoughts to you