I regret the time it has taken for you to receive a reply, it is the system not working as we wish, not you, or the subject of your post. Quite the opposite, your need is great and all that time without contact would have been at the very least discouraging.
Then again I regret the eight or so years you have been coping with
the illness. You are like me it with PTSD plus bouts of depression and
I have the feeling that the usual words one says will have already have been said by you to others, and you already know the forms PTSD (and physical recovery too) takes. Plus of course people's reactions, both so far off track as to be painful, and those who really do understand.
Time for the me too's, except my causes were different, my occupation being the problem.
"im watching someone else living my life sort of like a dream cant wake from"
Exactly. For me like a pane of glass between me and myself on the other side wiht the world. Watching with little understanding of my self, why I did what I did, unable to fathom if I could love, or most things realy. Plenty of self-hate, guilt, hopelessness. No I did not like me either.
Depression and anxiety had isolated me, and narrowed down my thoughts, cutting out the bigger world, to a few hopeless and unfix-able thngs, seemingly all my fault. Familiar?
That ended with me in hospital, suicidal and not even caring I was there. Unpleasant but did me a lot of good-which surprised me at the time. Being away from the world, isolated and without pressure helped. As did a kindness in there.
The therapy ended up after a very long time as talk therapy, and suits me. Gives me comfort and perspective.
I guess you feel you do not want hospital and cannot tell your doc as a result. Can you tell anyone else, anyone close? Talking to a real person, particularly if the care - they do not even have to understand - can be a help.
How to cope? Well all are different, mine featured fortnightly visits to my psychiatrist, they continue. Medication, tried so many felt like a guinea pig, but finally landed on one that works quite qwell, the last few years I've not dreaded going to bed.
I studied after a long period of hanging round , a source of negativity and ire. My wife strongly suggested study. I found something I liked by pure chance, did slowly but well. Ended up teaching.
Completely unexpected. I thought my life over.
Won't fit in one post. You could talk more next time if you liked