I am so very glad that you have posted here today to reach out and let us know how you are feeling and that you are going through this pain and sadness today. I am so sorry you are feeling like this and I am sure the feeling of love and care for your wife and your child makes the it harder, and confusing and just more painful.
While I am no expert and I have no qualifications I care and I am here for you to talk to and to help you get some of these feelings out and off your chest. You can share as much of your story as you feel comfortable to here and will be met with care and support.
I have no idea what it is like to have the want to vanish from the face of the Earth and I am so very grateful for that, I do however have the experience of grief that comes from the other side, when a person does vanish from the face of the Earth. Please do not give up on the search for help and the need to get some help. Just like we dont get along with every person on the planet, we don't always make the connection we need with professionals to be able to help at these times, but when you do find the person who you connect with it really is like a ..well ..light at the end of the tunnel....and it is not a train. It is hope and it is feeling like there is happiness.
One thing I have learnt here is that there can be a life that is full of happiness and free from pain after mental illness and that it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling life. This has been a lot of your life but it does not have to be your life sentence. Your family love and need you and I am so hoping you can continue your search for the right medical person to help you through this time. I hear you when you say you have been on this rock for 50 years, that is so very bloody long and I have no idea how much pain that equates to you but my heartfelt strength goes to you and your family.
We are here and I will chat to you.