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Topic: So where do I fit

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    15 April 2019
    For the second time in my life I feel I am losing control. Right now I have almost every symptom of depression, I struggle to remember things, and wonder if that's just age? I can't concentrate at work and have a poor attention span. I have no confidence, and doubt everything I do. Dreams and reality sometimes blend, and I struggle to get any quality sleep. On the outside I am happy , and socialise well. Unlike the last time though, I recognize the black dog this time, and am moving with this first post to head it off. I just don't seem to fit the classic depression. I hope to help others and help myself by at least joining in on the BB forums.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9021 posts
    15 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi, welcome

    We that have depression dont slot into definable categories, our depressive symptoms vary.

    The standard procedure is to visit your GP. He/she will deal with it or refer.

    A good move to join here as we are here 24/7/365 so you can post when you need.

    Use google

    Beyondblue Topic the timing of motivation

    Beyondblue Topic depression, a ship on the high seas

    Beyondblue Topic medication is a whirlpool

    Beyondblue Topic is acceptance our biggest challenge?

    Regards

    TonyWK

  3. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to white knight
    True Tony, I guess the question was a bit rhetorical given everyone is different. What I think unusual is that I don't feel sad, and generally have a happy disposition, almost like there are two distinct me's. Happy me and the tearing itself apart me that no one really gets to see. Although those close to me think I am lazy, indecisive and forget things no one seems to have noticed I am not OK. I wonder if anxiety is the culprit. Anyway thank you for the resources, and I feel relief already that I have at least posted here.
  4. Raider
    Raider avatar
    3 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi,

    i can sort of relate to your story of two sides. A couple of weeks ago, i was in one of my more depressed days, but still working. Just took the day off that was really bad. However, during a conversation with colleagues, I mentioned that i was completely stressed. The reply i got was that i was always the "cool, calm and collected" one. It was the first time I realised it's not visible, or i am very good at hiding it. However, it kept me busy for days. Over the last months i have actually, on advise of my psychologist, reduced my involvement at work. Something i found very hard to do but it has turned out to be better for me. I might look a bit lazy to others maybe, but i do it for me.

    I also find it very hard to start doing things at home because if i worry it is too much, my Stress Anxciety kicks in and i risk losing it. My wife sometimes pulls me down to earth and then let's me be. I used to have hours or days like this, but since i have had help, they are much shorter periods.

    I hope this helps.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9021 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi MT

    Thanks for replying.

    The odd thing about depression is that it doesnt have sadness as a symptom. Depression is difficult to describe but low mood, no energy, tiredness, suppressive feeling, a need to be alone and other symptoms.

    Sadness can be linked to dysthymia and bipolar as moids change.

    Whatever your problem actually is it is justified to pursue diagnosis. Until then it is a guessing game where invariably we non professionals get wrong.

    Regards

    TonyWK

  6. Max-Jayne
    Max-Jayne avatar
    3 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Don’t worry, I feel you. I’m the same. My memory is probably only a couple minutes and my depression and anxiety is overboard. This is hard for me cause I’m still at high school so I have to be able to remember things from the day before or the previous week.

    i also have barely any sleep. Recently I’ve been staying up all night feeling like I’m gonna cry, but that’s normal for me now.

    My parents used to think “oh hey, she’s fine, even tho her sister is ADHD, autism and anxiety, she can’t have any of those... She’s all good”.

    they see me now and all they can think is god she has so much wrong with her

    dint worry dude... your not alone

    1 person found this helpful
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11123 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi Major Tom

    Great to have you as part of the forum family!

    TonyWK (above) is wise when he mentioned seeing your GP.....Your doctor does have the training to provide you with the peace of mind you are seeking by means of a simple visit...Making a double appointment is also a good move as your GP can provide you with more effective help

    I have attached the 'copy & paste' link for the K10 Depression/anxiety check list......Its private and only for you Major Tom!

    www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

    It will provide you with an assessment re your own situation :-)

    The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post Major Tom. Your privacy and well being are paramount to us

    my kind thoughts.......also....any questions are welcome too! (if you wish to ask that is)

    Paul

  8. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to blondguy
    Thanks Paul, my score is high, I knew it would be. At least this time I know my enemy. The first time, I had no idea what was wrong with me and after seeing five different doctors and specialists, who could find no cause, one GP directed me to the BB website, and when I did a similar test, I cried with relief that I had found a diagnosis. I guess it's my age or having fought through it before but I am reluctant to tell friends and family ,chosing to fight it under my own strength with my GP as a back up. I still have the CBT notes from the psychologist and am reviewing those. Meanwhile everyone thinks I am the happy MT
  9. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Max-Jayne
    Thanks MJ, Raider and WK, it's good to know I am not alone. Perhaps calling it depression is really the wrong word, as it does conjuring thoughts of unhappiness and sadness. Perhaps internal anguish syndrome would be more accurate. Thanks for everyone's input.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Robyn56
    Robyn56 avatar
    5 posts
    22 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom
    Welcome Major Tom. You are taking the right step here. Your story is just like mine except mine is just pure loneliness causing my deoression. Happy on the outside to others but at home alone and a mess. Trying all thinks to get me through and hope talking on forums helps fill that void. Stay well. You are doing the right steps. Robyn.
    1 person found this helpful
  11. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    14683 posts
    23 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi Major Tom, thanks for posting your comment and there have been many good points that have been made.

    Our own type of depression can be very similar, but different in ways we can relate to, and it's easy for some of us to keep busy before the final crunch, because all we are doing is flooding and over-loading ourselves trying to avoid what is about to happen.

    It's about how you feel, who would know any better than yourself, but you're struggling with different thoughts, am I, maybe not, influenced by what others say or often feel unhappy without any rhyme or reason, all these questions indicate something could be wrong.

    All of this uncertainty creates a concern 'where do I fit', don't hide it, if you do, then it's going to take you longer to get better, you need to know who is supporting you and who isn't.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  12. Storme
    Storme avatar
    1 posts
    23 April 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi everyone

    I've just joined the forum and what a relief it is to be able to be honest about living with depression and bipolar. I have felt so isolated with no one to talk to - how do you cope when no one seems to understand what it is like to live with depression / bipolar?

    Some days I need to have a 'bubble day' in the garden with my beloved dog, Layla and not see anyone. I've been honest about my condition to my new partner and he says, 'yeah, I understand ' but when I can't follow through with a plan he gets disappointed (which I get) but also petulant and moody. I find myself apologising which makes me feel worse.

    So I end up inventing a reason.

    How is it for others dealing with a partner?

    Storme

  13. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Major Tom
    OK, my attempt to deal with this myself this time round, has fail. As soon as I stopped consciously trying, I plummeted. It was my wife who recommended I go to the doctors. She, and my daughter, are recognising the changes I thought I hid well. Anyway I will get the drugs and see how I go. Thank God I know it's depression and am acting now. Last time, when I didn't know, I wrote my kids a farewell note. Never going there again.
  14. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    15 September 2019 in reply to Major Tom
    Somehow I don't think the medication is working this time. I seem to be in an out of two worlds reality and dream like. I do things then can't believe I even thought it was a good idea. Some days every thing falls into place and the next I can't do simple tasks at work without them being a chore. Overwhelming anxiety seems forever close. Does this make sense to anyone?
  15. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9021 posts
    22 September 2019 in reply to Major Tom

    Hi Tom, how are you feeling?

    Another thread you might find interesting is

    Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

    Cheers

    Tony

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    26 December 2019 in reply to white knight
    Such a constant battle, off the meds, on top of things crash and repeat. I don't want to fall in those holes as they now look so deep. I feel so embarrassed that I flinch when my wife might catch me on this site. I know... I should talk to her about it, but just doesn't come out. I fake normal very well.
  17. Major Tom
    Major Tom  avatar
    15 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Major Tom
    I'm find myself back again. And I just read my post of 15/4/19 and am gobsmacked. It is word for word what I would write now. Except it's the third time and the hole feels a little deeper. I need to break this cycle. I will utilise Beyond Blues services this time, going it alone has failed.

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