Since Kindergarten, I have seemingly derived pleasure out of other's physical pain. I had a female friend then, and she always seemed to get hurt. I remember feeling some guilt in these instances, which makes me wonder if I was inflicting the pain covertly; my memorys are hazy.
When we were to draw ourselves in the career of our choice, I strangely drew my self as a creepy doctor with a circular saw standing over a busty woman on a surgery table. I was not abused as a child, and my parents/teachers didn't seem to notice. I would go on my slap my older brother across the face with a plastic frog and laugh hysterically for no reason shortly thereafter.
From anecdotes relayed to me in my teens, I was adored by my older sister's female friends ad nauseum; I was the envy of mothers--a cute kid. But wouldn't this just make me a narcissist?
Nowadays, at 19, I have seemingly dropped the intense sadism I have felt towards teenage girls when I was ages 16-18, but occasional and breif episodes will occur when I am intensly attracted to a particilar female. I hope that I will cease to experience intense surges of aggression when coming into contact with teenage females.
However, I am bewhildered as to how I became a sadist in the first place. Are my genetics to blame? Does being adored by females in childhood constitute an environment condusive to the development of sadism?