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Topic: fearing love/ past heartbreak

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. helpmeplease01
    helpmeplease01 avatar
    1 posts
    12 January 2020

    One of my biggest fears is falling in love because I worry that guys won't be able to commit to a relationship with me. I dated a guy one year ago which caused these insecurities to arise. Even though I'm not interested in the guy or seeing him anymore, he's still impacted the way I see dating. I opened up to this guy about the past. I now worry that guys wont like how I used to be in high school (years ago) and I worry they wont want to commit to something long-term because they'll find someone prettier and smarter or just better than me. I opened up to him and ended up getting hurt.

    So should I keep avoiding dating and try and "work on myself" ( which I wouldn't specifically know how to do so") or should I just get back out there and hope for the best?

  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    3392 posts
    12 January 2020 in reply to helpmeplease01

    Your comment is a really sad one, simply because love should be one of the most beautiful parts of our life, where we should be able to share and help the person we are in love with and if we are unable to do so, then provide assistance, but there can also be a fear of falling in love, which you have described.
    Committing yourself in a a relationship requires hard work, but there are benefits resulting from this, good and bad and just because this previous chap has left you doesn't take anything away from your personality and how you are.
    Any fear you have or confidence you're lost can be re-built by a counsellor/psychologist, and for a relationship to end after a year, only means that the two of you could not develop together, it's certainly no plight on the personality you're formed.
    Someone else will fall into your arms, the one lesson you've learnt is how to now approach a new relationship.

    Love to hear back from you.

    Geoff.

  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    3392 posts
    12 January 2020 in reply to helpmeplease01

    Hello, once again, I'm very sorry that I didn't mention Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 who are trained and help those between the age of 5 to 25 years old and dress casually who you could ring Headspace 1800 650 890, Reachout online or ring BB 1300 22 4636.

    Geoff.

  4. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    899 posts
    12 January 2020 in reply to helpmeplease01

    Dear Helpmeplease

    Welcome to the forum.

    I have to agree with Geoff, you are not different because you and someone else find they cannot make a life together. Why do you think this man rejected you because of whatever happened in high school? If after a year together he has not decided to he wants to stay with you I would suggest it is more a matter of incompatibility rather than being shocked by your past. After a year he should know what sort of person you are, trustworthy, loving, caring, happy etc.

    The reality is we all have skeletons of every sort in our various past lives. These do not automatically make us less worthy of love. It is simply your past life. I also wonder why you felt the need to to tell this man your history. Did he tell you what he was like growing up? Although you have not told us what happened in high school, and there is absolutely no need to do so, it's probably no different or worse than the activities of others.

    I suggest you go out into the world and meet other men. Be picky with who you choose and perhaps keep the details of your past to yourself. There is no requirement to reveal all. It's your business not that of anyone else.

    I'm not sure what you mean by "work on myself". What sort of difficulty do you have or do you mean you need to improve yourself in some way? As we grow up we are constantly changing what and how we manage. It is the maturing process and I think it continues all through our lives. As long as you are aware of yourself and the impact of what you say and do, plus the desire to change or alter your behaviour if it hurts others, then welcome to the human race. We are all flawed people.

    Please carry on your life and learn from any mistakes you make in order to do better in the future. Do avoid self blame. None of us are perfect. What makes us attractive to others is the willingness to improve ourselves.

    Mary

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